R.C.O.A.: The Four Stars Blog

Urine Soaked Parental Search

2012-01-22T12:03:00.002-07:00

In my search for the elusive President of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, I first thought of going to the place that Rodger Red calls home. After getting the address from the General Executive Secretary, Liz, I found Rodger's home. It was a modest home, which was shocking given how rich the patriarch of the Red family is said to be. The grass in front of the home looked as if it hadn't been attended to in months. The garden, much longer. The closer I got to the entrance of the home, the more concerned I became. This home looked like the kind of thing you see in a horror film, or so I've been told as I've never partaken in that particular genre of cinema.

The door of the home of Rodger Red was simple. No ornate design or even a window to see to the outside, just a simple door with a simple knock and a simple sign that reads "No Solicitors". I knocked on the door three times, each time I felt the grime that covered every inch of this simple door. I waited for someone to respond. No one did. Then I knocked again, trying to hit the same point as to not collect any more of the door's grime on my knuckles. No response. Then I called out to the occupants of the home.

"Rodger. Rodger! Are you there Rodger?"

I waited a moment for a response. None came. Persisting, I knocked on the door again, this time harder. This time I did get a response but not from the occupants of the home. When I struck the door, it moved. The door opened a tiny crack, small enough for me to peer into but not large enough for me to enter.

I peered into the home of Rodger Red and saw nothing particularly out of the ordinary. It looked like the kind of home that my grandparents kept. The only thing I thought was odd was how little light there was in the home. The drapes on the windows were tightly drawn and none of the electric lights in the home were on. Odd. I called out to the occupants of the home again.

"Rodger! Rodger, are you okay? Can you hear me, Rodger?"

I could not hear a response, and was concerned by this fact. No one had seen Rodger Red for a couple of days and I was concerned that he was at home, unable to move or respond, on the verge of death. I made the decision right there and then to push into the home. If the cops had any problem with it, I would just tell them that I was concerned about an elderly person I knew and was checking up on them. Also, I don't look like a thief.

I pushed on the door, I heard a sound. A cat meowing in surprise at being disturbed. The more I pushed forward, the more cats I heard. Finally, once I has opened the door just enough to squeeze into the home, I saw the dominant lifeform in this house. The entire house had been taken over by cats, and there were a great many of them. I could not take a step without stepping on, over, or in other ways disturbing a cat. As I ventured further into the house, the smell of the feline infestation became overwhelming. Every kind of cat smell I could think of, and some I honestly had never thought of, was present in the house. The house looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a great amount of time, more time than any reasonable person could stand.

I stood in the kitchen, or what resembled a kitchen, and pulled out my cellphone to use as a light. Instantly, a thousand cats went scrambling, like cockroaches, away from the light. That is when I called out for the occupants again.

"Rodger? Can you hear me?"

The cats reacted to my voice, no human did. Searching around with the small amount of light provided by my cellphone, I found a set of stairs heading upward. I slowly climbed these stairs, clearing cats away on every tread. Reaching the top of the stairs, I found a number of doors. Most of them looked like they hadn't been touched by human hands in a long, long time. One did. The doorknob to one door stood as a stark contrast to the rest of the house. It was clean. Making my way to the door, I felt the need to announce myself before intruding more than I already had.

"Rodger? I'm going to open this door now. I'm sorry if I disturb you, Rodger. I'm really concerned about you, Rodger. Please forgive me."

The response I received was the same as before. Remembering my experience from the front door, I grabbed onto the doorknob, twisted, and shoved the door forward as hard as I could. There was no resistance behind the door, causing the door to fly open, shocking the person inside.

"Aaaah! Who are you what are you doing in my house? Aaaah!!!"

This was not Rodger. I know Rodger, not as well as his family might know him, but I know Rodger enough to know that Rodger Red is not a woman. I tried to apologize for my intrusion.

"I'm sorry miss, I just-"

"Who are you? You're one of those home invasion people the news told me about."

"No, I'm just looking for someone."

"You're just looking for a fix! Well, I'll fix you."

The woman grabbed one of the any cats that were present in her room and threw it at me. I took this as a sign that I should leave, and leave now. Speed was my primary concern as I left this house, not how many cats I stepped on or how many things I knocked over to do so.

I made it out to my car and took a deep breath, grateful that I was out of that house and into a place with clean air. Once I caught my breath, I called the one person in the Red family I knew, Rodger's grandson and my co-worker Hunter. It took three rings for Hunter to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hunter?"

"Yes?"

"This is Julia."

"I know that, I have your number in my phone."

"Listen, I was looking for Rodger, and I went by his home."

"Okay."

"And when I went inside I found all these cats, and there was a woman inside, and the house was just disgusting."

There was a short pause in the conversation before Hunter responded.

"Do you have the address right?"

I didn't know what Hunter meant by that, so it took me a second to respond.

"I, I think I have the address right."

"What address do you have?"

I found the piece of paper with the address Liz gave me and recited it to Hunter.

"1230 South Rockview Boulevard."

"And what house are you sitting in front of?"

I searched the front of the house for a number.

"I can't see a number on the front of the house, but this should be 1230, right?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. The house you went into is the crazy cat lady that lives next door to Rodger."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, she's lived there for years. In fact, when it rains, and the rain hits the north side of that house, the odor of cat piss causes Rodger to have an asthma attack."

I did not need to know that.

"Gee thanks, Hunter."

"No problem."

"So I should go next door and look for Rodger?"

"Actually he's on the news right now."

"What?"

"Yeah, Rodger is on the news right now telling people how he really needs more advertising revenue to keep Redertainment afloat."

The feeling of impotence is something I had never been familiar with untill that moment.

"So, Rodger is okay?"

"He is, now. Once I get a hold of him, it's another tale."

"Okay. I'm coming back to the office."

"Allright. See you soon."

I hung up the phone and started my car. As a pulled away from the home I made a mental note to myself. That note: Thoroughly clean my house, and get rid of my cat, Mr. Fuzzytail.

The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards

2012-01-15T11:55:00.006-07:00

A Statement About SOPA

Before we present to you The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards, we present to you a statement from the President of The Redertainment Corporation Of American, Rodger Red.

Greetings. I am Rodger Red, President of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. Over the past couple of weeks, my office has been asked about our stance on SOPA. After consulting with our legal department, as well as several different knowledgable individuals about this topic, I have crafted a stance that reflects the viewpoints of not just myself but the entirety of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to say that we support SOPA. It the belief of The Redertainment Corporation Of America that SOPA is something that everybody should use in their everyday life. We have come to this conclusion because we have seen what happens when individuals do not use SOPA. We have seen many individuals devolve into behavior that is destructive for themselves and the communities that they live in when they do not use SOPA on a regular basis.

It is the belief of The Redertainment Corporation Of America that the lives of every human being can be greatly enhances through the implementation and all encompassing application of SOPA. While The Redertainment Corporation Of America does have reservations about the federal government mandating the use of SOPA, we feel that an aggressive public service campaign can make the use of SOPA not only overwhelmingly appealing but almost compulsory.

At The Redertainment Corporation Of America, all of our employees use SOPA everyday. I use Safeguard brand SOPA, Julia Diana Bobbi uses Dove brand SOPA, while our secretary Liz uses Ivory brand SOPA. Our star employee Hunter Red currently uses a Old Spice brand body wash that my daughter, Allison, got him for Christmas.

The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards

This year we opened up the voting for The Four Star Awards to a wider and more available audience. The Redertainment Corporation Of America made voting available on Facebook, making voting open to everybody that is currently on the largest social media platform in the world. However, much like years in the past, there was very few votes cast in this year's awards.

Three. Just three people voted in this year's awards. Only Hunter Red, Jim Jenkins, and Krystian Skomra took advantage of this opportunity to vote on this year's The Four Star Awards.

Regardless, the awards will move on. This year, all ties in voting will be decided by a coin flip. The winner of The Four Star Award will be decided by die roll. So now, here are The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards.

TV

Nominees:

American Horror Story
Breaking Bad
The Chicago Code
The Onion News Network/SportsDome
Tosh.0

Only one nominee received votes in this category, so, your winner of The Four Star Award in the TV category is:

American Horror Story

Movie

Nominees:

Attack The Block
Drive
Red State
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Super 8

Only two nominees in this category received votes, Attack The Block and Drive. Now the winner, by coin flip:

Drive

Album

Nominees:

Cage The Elephant- Thank You Happy Birthday
Childish Gambino- Camp
Lupe Fiasco- Lasers
The Nightwatchmen- World Wide Rebel Songs
The Strokes- Angles

The only nominees in this category to receive votes was Thank You Happy Birthday and Lasers. Now, the winner by coin flip:

Cage The Elephant- Thank You Happy Birthday

Video Games

Nominees:

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
L.A. Noire
Portal 2
Saints Row The Third
Super Mario 3D Land

The winner, with two votes:

Skyrim

Personality Of The Year

Nominees:

CM Punk
GLaDOS
Keith Olbermann
Lady Gaga
Rebecca Black

Only CM Punk and GlaDOS received votes in this category. The winner, via coin flip:

CM Punk

Disappointment Of The Year

On April 20th, 2011, Sony's Playstation Network went down. Initially no reason was given for this outage, leading to a lot of speculation and worry about the nature of the outage, the integrity of the service itself, and whether user's personal information was compromised. Eventually, Sony disclosed that the outage was due to an "outside intrusion" and that user's personal information has in fact been compromised.

The way that Sony handled this crisis, including leaving many users in the dark about what was going on for several days, is generally seen as a giant mistake. In fact, throughout most of this year, the Sony Playstation Network hacking and the way Sony handled it was the frontrunner for this award. However, in August that started to change.

In August, users of Microsoft's Xbox Live started reporting illegitimate charges being made to their credit card accounts. When they dug further, these users found that these charges were tied to content being bought for several Electronic Arts's sports properties, most notably FIFA 12. Despite this issue being widespread and many users, some with prominent video game blogs and podcasts, openly saying that they believed this was an issue with Xbox Live, Microsoft continued to publicly say that the problem was not on their end. Microsoft continued to stress that the problem was on the user's side and that their online architecture was secure. This scandal is continuing to be played out, but another move by Microsoft, as well as by Sony, may impede user's ability to get recourse in matters of this nature.

In November 2011, Microsoft updated the End User License Agreement for Xbox Live. Among other changes made to this agreement, language was inserted pertaining to the kinds of legal action users that agree to the EULA can take against Microsoft. This language prevents users who agree to the EULA from filing class action lawsuits against Microsoft. This move follows a similar move made by Sony in relation to the Playstation Network. In addition, there is also the long standing issue of not being able to erase your credit card information off of Xbox Live, and the complete inability to completely erase your profile and profile information off of the Playstation Network.

These moves and the openly hostile stance that both Sony and Microsoft toward it's users in any issue, whether the issue is small and trivial or large and critical, makes one thing abundantly clear: Sony Computer Entertainment of America and the gaming division of Microsoft have a lackadaisical attitude toward protecting the information that their users freely give to them and see those same users, all of them no matter their history or standing as a customer, as a dire and malicious threat to their online architecture and their company as a whole. For this reason, The Four Star Award for Disappointment Of The Year goes to both Sony and Microsoft.

Sony And Microsoft

The Four Star Award

Nominees:

American Horror Story
Cage The Elephant- Thank You Happy Birthday
CM Punk
Drive
Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Sony and Microsoft

Each of the numbers were given to each of the six winners in the categories that came before. The numbers were given out by alphabetical order. The dice roll came up:

Therefore, the winner via dice roll:

Sony and Microsoft

Why Apple Is Frustrating And Awesome

2012-01-08T16:08:00.002-07:00

Why Apple Is Frustrating And Awesome

On December 31st, 2011, I tried buying American Horror Story season one through iTunes. I also tried to buy Pan Am Season One the next day. In attempting to download each of the TV series, I encountered the same problem. I received an error message telling me that part of the file was corrupted. After exhaustive attempts to solve the problem on my end, because I sincerely thought the problem was on my end, I contacted Apple Customer Service to try to resolve this issue.

The following is a series of emails sent between myself and Apple Customer Service between January 1st, 2012 and January 5th, 2012. Certain details have been changed or omitted, such as names and other specific personal information. This was done to protect my identity and the anonymity of myself and the person I was messaging with.

January 1st, 2012

First Name : Hunter
Last Name : Red
Email : (My personal email address)
Apple ID (Optional) : Redertainment
Lang_Country : en_US
Product : iTunes Store
Support Subject : Purchases, Billing & Redemption
Sub Issue : Problems downloading TV shows bought through iTunes.
See additional info below
What device did you use to connect to the store? Windows computer (PC)
Which operating system is installed? Windows 7
What version of iTunes is installed on your computer? iTunes 10.5
Choose the iTunes Store or App Store for your country: United States
Item title: American Horror Story- Season 1 Episode 10- Smoldering Children Pan Am- Season 1 Episode 9- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Details:
I've researched this problem online, tried several different problems to solve this problem on my end with no luck. I'd really like to watch American Horror Story in it's entirety. Is there a different method to solve this problem than the one's I've found online?

January 2nd, 2012

Date: Mon, 2 Jan 2012 02:49:23 -0800
From: (Email for Apple Customer Service)
To: (My Personal Email)
Subject: Re: Purchases, Billing & Redemption; Follow-up: 184580048

Dear Hunter,

Greetings from iTunes Store Customer Support. My name is Vishal and I will assist you today.

I'm sorry to hear that the series "American Horror History" and "Pan-Am" didn't download properly.I apologies for the inconvenience caused by this.I will do my best to get the issue resolved at the earliest.

Hunter, I have posted the series to your account. Please follow these steps to download the items:

Before that, I have also reviewed your account and found some download error's

There are a few things that I would like you to try.

First, make sure you're using the latest version of iTunes. It can be downloaded free of charge from the iTunes website:

http://www.itunes.com/download

Certain types of software can cause conflicts and prevent purchases from downloading properly, even if the software appears to be configured to allow full access to the iTunes Store. This can include firewall, virus-protection, and web-acceleration software. You should be able to determine if you have a software program that is causing the difficulty by using the MSCONFIG utility on your computer. For detailed instructions, please refer to the following article:

Using MSCONFIG to troubleshoot conflicts in Windows Vista and Windows 7
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT2292

After making sure you're using the latest version of iTunes, and after temporarily disabling any security software you may be using, try choosing Check for Available Downloads from the Store menu three times in a row. You may be asked to enter your login information each time. Checking for available downloads multiple times can help to force the downloads to start.

If you still can't download the items in your download queue after choosing Check for Available Downloads three times, please follow the suggestions in this article:

Unable to download purchased videos
http://support.apple.com/kb/TS1566

If the suggestions above don't help you to download your purchased items, I suggest testing to see if this issue occurs while you are signed in to a new user account on your computer. To learn how to create a new user account in your version of Windows, please read this article:

Windows 7: Create a user account
http://windows.microsoft.com/en-us/Windows7/Create-a-user-account

Once you are signed in to this new user account, open iTunes and start the download. If the download progresses without error, you will know that the original issue is with the particular user account that you were using. You may want to consider adopting this new account as your user account and transferring your files from the old account to your new one.

If signing in to a new user account does not resolve the issue, I suggest that you sign back in to your original user account and use Microsoft's MSCONFIG utility as described above to temporarily disable additional startup programs.

Alternatively, if the issue persists, you might consider downloading the item from another computer or location and transferring the file back to your original computer.

If you are still unable to download the items after following these suggestions, please reply to let me know.

Hunter, after trouble shooting, please follow these steps to download the series.

1) Make sure you're using the latest version of iTunes. It can be downloaded free of charge from the iTunes website:

http://www.itunes.com/download

Note: Installing the latest version of iTunes will not affect your library or any items in your account that you haven't downloaded.

2) Open iTunes. From the Store menu at the top, choose Check for Available Downloads. You can also click this link to do the same thing:

https://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZFinance.woa/wa/checkForPurchases

3) Enter your account name and password, then click the Check button.

The serieses should begin downloading and appear in your Purchased playlist. If you receive an error message while downloading, try again after turning off any firewall or web-accelerator software that you may have installed. If the download process is interrupted for any reason, it should resume once you reopen iTunes.

This article provides information about resuming interrupted downloads:
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT1725

If you don't see the items in your iTunes Library, please include this information in your response to this email:

- The name of your Internet service provider (ISP)
- The type of Internet connection (such as dial-up, cable modem, or DSL)
- Any troubleshooting steps you may have taken
- Any error messages you may have received

I appreciate you valuable time and patience in this.

Please reply to this email if you have any other concerns or issue.I will be more than glad to assist you.

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.

January 2nd, 2012
This message was sent by me.

I just tried what was suggested in this email. None of them worked, just like they didn't work before I sent the email. Like I said, I tried several techniques that I found online with no luck. Do you have any other suggestions, suggestions other than the ones I find online or are contained in this email? Thank you.

January 3rd, 2012

Date: Tue, 3 Jan 2012 08:17:31 -0800
From: (Email For Apple Customer Service)
To: (My Personal Email Address)
Subject: RE: Purchases, Billing & Redemption; Follow-up: 184580048

Dear Hunter,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the frustration this downloads has caused.

Please follow the steps in this article for error-50

Information about error -50 and downloading videos
http://support.apple.com/kb/TS1583

Certain types of software can affect the way a computer sends and receives information from the Internet. Here are a few examples of these types of software:

* Firewalls
* Web accelerators
* Ad filters
* Virus protection software

If you have any of this software, and if you cannot access the iTunes Store, you will need to configure these applications to allow iTunes to connect to the internet.

Please refer to the documentation that came with that software, and if necessary contact the software's manufacturer. You'll need to configure the software to allow these domains to send and receive data from the Internet:

itunes.apple.com
ax.itunes.apple.com

If a web accelerator appears to be causing the issue, please contact your Internet service provider (ISP) or the maker of the software.

Hunter, If you aren't using a firewall or any of the types of software listed above that might restrict your connection to the iTunes Store, please respond to this email with the following:

- the type of Internet connection you use (such as dial-up, cable modem, DSL, or corporate network)
- the name of your ISP

And at least one of the following:

- the order number of one of your purchases
- the last four digits of the credit card used for your iTunes Store account
- the answer to one of your security questions

And two items from this list:

- your birth date
- the billing address listed on the account
- the phone number on the account

Upon receiving your response, Apple will verify your billing address, reset your password, and send you an email with your new password.

I appreciate you valuable time and patience in this.

Please reply to this email if you have any other concerns or issue.

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.

January 3rd, 2012
This message was sent by me.

I just tried doing what is described in the link you sent me, again. It didn't work and my problem is not resolved, again. Like I said before, I have tried a number of different methods to solve this problem. To this point, I have exhausted all the options I have found online, including the ones you have sent me.

I believe the problem may be on Apple's end. I don't say this because I am some arrogant tech nerd who thinks he knows everything about everything. I say this because I tried downloading American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 10 on my iPad. The download would be nearly complete, stop, and start again from the beginning. No matter how close the download came to being complete, this happened on every attempt I made to download the episode in question on my iPad. Unless you are going to tell me that there is a persistent problem with both my laptop and my iPad, a problem that I cannot seem to solve despite exhaustive efforts to do so, the problem must be on Apple's end.

I have since obtained American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 10, as well as the other episodes from that season, through other means. This means that I no longer have use for the purchase I made. The only reason I bring this up is that this purchase, in addition to Pan Am Season 1, continues to be automatically added to my download cue every time I open iTunes. I cannot seem to find a method to clear these purchases off my download cue outside of completing the download, which is not possible for the two episodes (AHS: Smoldering Children and Pan Am: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) that are apparently corrupted on your end. I addition, I do not wish to waste my valuable disk space on something I will just delete anyway.

Is there anything you can do on your end to prevent this automatic downloading from happening? I am not asking for a refund, I am asking for the downloads that keep on appearing in my download cue to stop automatically appearing in my download cue.

Stay Care
Hunter Red

(After the message, I included my internet connection, ISP, birth date, and billing address.)

January 4th, 2012

On Jan 4, 2012, at 10:48 AM, (Email For Apple Customer Support) wrote:

Dear Hunter,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the frustration this download has caused. I took the liberty of removing the file(s) causing the issue from your download queue, and refunded your purchase of $34.18 USD plus any applicable sales tax. The credit will be posted to your credit card used to purchase within three to five business days.

Please wait at least one week before repurchasing this title. This will give us time to investigate the issue and make any corrections that may be necessary.

I have added 3 video credits to your account. Please note, however, that the video credits can only be used to purchase TV episodes or music videos. It cannot be used to purchase or rent full-length movies or episodes of a TV Show that are listed as Season Only.

I have also added 2 movie rental credits to your account. You can use these to rent any 2 movies that are rentable on the iTunes Store priced 4.99 USD or lower.

When you sign in to the iTunes Store with this account, the credit(s) will appear by your account name in the upper-right corner of the window. The next time you buy a videos or movie rentals from the iTunes Store, your credit(s) will be used as payment.

If you don't see the credit(s), refresh your account information by signing out and back in to the iTunes Store. The Sign Out and Sign In options are available from the pull-down Store menu in iTunes. If you don't see this menu, you should download the latest version of iTunes from our website for free:

http://www.apple.com/itunes/download/

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.

January 4th, 2012
This message was sent by me.

I thank you for your assistance in this matter, but I am still experiencing one slight problem. The episodes of Pan Am, which I have also had almost the same problems downloading as I did with American Horror Story, still automatically appear in my download cue. Is there anything that you can do about this? Thanks again for your great help.

Sent from my iPad

January 5th, 2012

On Jan 5, 2012, at 9:04 AM, (Email For Apple Customer Service) wrote:

Dear Hunter,

Can you please mail us the order number for Pan Am series or the names of the episodes of the same. So that I can submit it investigation. because there are lot pending downloads in the queue, I couldn't make out which one.

Thank You.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.

January 5th, 2012
This message was sent by me.

I don't have an order number for the episodes of Pan Am that I wanted to download. It was a free download, which is the only reason I wanted to download it. The episode I've been having problems downloading is named "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang", which is the ninth episode in the first season of that show.

Thank You
Hunter Red

Sent from my iPad

January 5th, 2012

Dear Hunter,

At your request, I have removed the items from your download queue. The next time you sign in to the iTunes Store, it will no longer be waiting to download.

If you have any other questions, or if you need help with any other downloads, please let me know.

Thank you for being a loyal iTunes Customer. Apple appreciates your business. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.

So that is where the series of emails ended. I have not used the credits that were sent to me, but that is because on Friday, January 6th, 2012, I bought another product that I needed to expend time and effort to make sure was setup and working the way that I thought it was. What is this product?

I bought a Mac Mini which I am using as a Media PC. I do not plan to buy American Horror Story again through the iTunes store as I can now watch it through Hulu and play it on my TV. As far as Pan Am, I only bought it at the time that I bought it because it was free.

Review Of The Four Star Awards Nomination Special Q34T98U89I

2012-01-01T18:32:00.004-07:00

Review: N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I

There are many products that are especially crafted to assist disabled people in their everyday lives. However, there are few products that can assist disabled people in their everyday gaming. More and more of these products are hitting the market, including the N-Control The Avenger.

The N-Control The Avenger is a controller that is already available and is specially designed to help people with limited hand mobility perform the quick, frequent movements that is necessary when playing many of today's modern video games.

Not wanting to rest on their laurels, N-Control is quickly developing many other products that can help disabled games in their everyday gaming pursuits. Among those products is the N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I.

This products has many more apparatuses than the regular the N-Control The Avenger model. These apparatuses assist those disable gamers with limited hand mobility in performing many intricate button presses at the same time. The sheer number of apparatuses available to disables gamers with limited hand mobility far outpaces any other products on the market today.

This is a pic of the N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I in action. In this test, we used the video entertainment product Assassin's Creed: Revelations. Through our many exhaustive hours of testing, we were able to slaughter a great number of guards, civilians, and sharks prowling the water areas of this game with relative ease. This was due to the N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I's patented thirty-nine point relay system that allows any person, whether you are a disabled person with limited hand mobility or a person without disabilities of any perceivable kind, to perform several button presses at once with just the slightest of manual appendage movement

However, our testing period was not without it's flaws. There were many times where the hand of our testers, both disabled persons and persons without disabilities of any perceivable kind, got their hands caught within the apparatuses of the N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I. This matter was quickly resolved after several emails with a representative who was very helpful. This helpfulness was proceeded and followed up with several messages where the representatives questioned our sexual prowess and the validity of our births.

There are two distinct and different models of the N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I for both the Microsoft Corporation Xbox 360 computer console entertainment platform...

...and for the Sony Kabushiki Gaisha Playstation 3 computer console entertainment platform. We here at R.C.O.A.: The Four Stars Blog wholeheartedly give this product our highest of honors:

N-Control The Avenger Q34T98U89I: That's Awesome!

Now is the time. The time for the voting to begin. The voting. The voting. Voting for what?

The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards

The Four Star Awards have changed from years past. No longer will The Four Star Awards honor or dishonor only video games. This year The Four Star Awards honors or dishonors video games, music, movie, television, and personalities.

Also for The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards, voting has been made incredibly simple. Just go to this link. Yes, this link. What is this link? Not porn. Rather, this link is to the Facebook page for The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards. There, at this link, you can vote for four of the six awards that will be awarded on January 15th. Voting is open NOW, at this link.

The nominees for the five categories that you can vote for, at this link, are listed below. The other two categories are The Four Star Award, and Disappointment Of The Year. The Four Star Award is an overall best of the year award, and the nominees for this award will consist of the five winners of the categories that you can vote for, at this link. The Disappointment Of The Year will be handled by the lead writer of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Hunter Red.

The Fourth Annual Four Star Awards

Album Of The Year
Cage The Elephant- Thank You Happy Birthday
Childish Gambino- Camp
Lupe Fiasco- Lasers
The Nightwatchmen- World Wide Rebel Songs
The Strokes- Angles

Movie Of The Year
Attack The Block
Drive
Red State
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Super 8

Video Game Of The Year
Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
L.A. Noire
Portal 2
Saint's Row: The Third
Super Mario Land 3D

TV Show Of The Year
American Horror Story
Breaking Bad
The Chicago Code
The Onion News Network/SportsDome
Tosh.0

Personality Of The Year
This award is for the best personality is movies, video games, television, or music in this year.
CM Punk
Glados
Keith Olbermann
Lady Gaga
Rebecca Black

Go to this link, yes this link, the link that is linked here and vote for The Fourth Annual The Four Star Awards, which is available at this link.

Sorry Thirteen Friends, Twelve Don't Matter To The Great Leader Of Trees

2011-12-25T16:41:00.003-07:00

Friends Don't Matter

On August 5th, 2011, I made a goal to go from one thousand friends to two thousand friends on Facebook within a year. On December 20th, 2011, I accomplished this goal. One thousand friends in one hundred thirty-seven days, an average of 7.2 friends per day. Now, onward to three thousand.

Thirteen, Sorry, Twelve

This is one of those days that I'd love to bathe in digital goodness. I'd love to climb into my big soft chair and relax as I watch the wrestling I downloaded last night. I'd like to sit outside and drink coffee while I read manga I downloaded onto my iPad. I'd like to sit on a pillow, close my eyes, breate deeply, and listen to the various Amanda Palmer albums I've downloaded to my iPod.

Unfortunately, that can not be. I have to work. Work so that I can afford the digital things that I want to bathe in. Work isn't that bad. After all, through work i can afford the things that make my life so pleasurable.

Still, as I sit here with my earbuds in my ears, my iPad in front of me, typing this on my Droid, I wish I could stay like this. I wish I didn't know this had to end in thirteen minutes. Sorry, twelve

The Dear Leader Of The Great Empire

With the death of Kim Jong-Il, many have speculated about who the next leader of North Korea will be. Reports from the state media service of North Korea have stated that Kim Jong-Un will take over. However, like most things from this outlet, this report has been dismissed as propaganda meant to hide the identity of the true successor. This dismissal was given credence following the leaf of a US State Department cable on Tuesday. According to secret sources imbedded inside the North Korean government, much of the hierarchy in that government is quickly being replaced with officials from The Great Empire Of Activision.

At first news of this move was quickly discredited. However, a discovery on Wednesday lead to these reports being taken seriously. On Wednesday, an office building in Pohang that once held the South Korean Customer Service for Starcraft, a product of The Great Empire Of Activision, was found to be vacated. Among the few things left in the building were several flyers that read, "All Hail The New Great Leader BK". After looking into Burger King and British Knights, investigators started looking into possible connections to President of The Great Empire Of Activision Bobby Kotick.

A huge break in this matter came with the defection of Solanin Sakoshi. Mr. Sakoshi was found late Thursday night seeking asylum at the American Embassy in Seoul. Unlike most defectors who seek refuge from governments, Solanin Sakoshi was seeking asylum from "Activision Ui Widaehan Jegug" which roughly translates to "The Great Empire Of Activision". Among the possessions found among Mr. Sakoshi's belongings was a 422 page document detailing the planning and execution of a scheme to install Bobby Kotick as the President and Much Exhaulted And Great Leader Of The Beyond Super-Awesome Empire Of Koreavision.

When reached for comment, Mr. Kotick released the following statement:
"The reports that have been circulating about myself in recent days are beyond comical in nature. Not only am I not actively seeking the Presidency of the great communist haven that is The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, such putrid lies are clearly creations of an American government seeking to paint The Great Empire Of Activision, a true economic power as well as a true cultural power, in a negative light. The American government's attempts to defame The Great Empire Of Activison serve only to add legitimacy to a presidency seen by many in the international community, as well as an increasing amount of people domestically, as a weak, spineless, illegitimate joke. To believe the stories circulating about The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea and The Great Empire Of Activision is to buy into a quickly diminishing farce. We here at The Great Empire Of Activision have great respect for The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea, and look forward to working hand in hand with them in the future. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Inquiries to the US State Department for reactions to this statement has so far gone unanswered. This publications is also currently working to get a statement in this matter from the North Korean government. However, our inside source in the international black market is currently celebrating the Christmas holiday. We hope to provide updates sometime after the holiday period, which should be around March.

Happy Sunday Keifer Sutherland

That Power That Comes With Reviewing And Interviewing

2011-12-18T21:03:00.004-07:00

Red Review: Sims Social

Hunter Red is sitting in his house. Things of all kinds are piled up everywhere. There is very little room to move inside Hunter's house. Hunter is sitting in his big, comfy, oversized chair looking at the utter clutter.

Hunter Red- Man, my place is crammed. There's hardly any room to breathe in here, much less room. How am I supposed to attract a woman with a place this cluttered? I need more space.

Hunter Red pulls out his iPad and starts fiddling around with it.

Hunter Red- Hmmm. A ten by ten living space for twenty-four thousand simoleons. Kind of expensive, but I think I can just about afford it.

Hunter Red presses an icon on his iPad.

Hunter Red- Maneuver it over to this side, flip it add a door, and I'm done.

Hunter Red sets down his iPad. Suddenly, on one of the walls, a door appears. Hunter looks at the door and says-

Hunter Red- Kind of a simplistic design, but it'll do.

Hunter Red steps through the door and find a new, clean, clear, perfectly white room attached to his house. Hunter looks around the room and says-

Hunter Red- Great! Now to fill it with things.

Hunter Red picks up his iPad and starts fiddling with it again. Suddenly things start flying into Hunter's new room from all directions. There's a new TV, piano, drawing easel, sandwich press, hottub, king size bed, ice sculpture, all sorts of other things. So many things fly into Hunter's now formerly clean and clear room that now the new room is just as cluttered as the old room. Hunter looks around this newly cluttered room and says-

Hunter Red- Looks like I need more space, but I don't have the cash to do it.

Hunter Red look at his laptop and says-

Hunter Red- Looks like it's time to get to work. Too bad. I meant to woo-hoo this random girl from France today.

Hunter Red sits down at his laptop and starts Writing Blog Posts for one simoleon a piece untill the scene ends.

Sim Social: A-

The Red Interview- Hideo Kojima

It is just before the show is to begin and Julia Diana Bobbi look absolutely frantic.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Liz is backstage and comes over to talk to Julia.

Liz- Julia, what's going on?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Liz, I don't- I mean- Oh Christ!
Liz- Julia, calm down. Take a deep breath and tell me what's going on.

Julia takes several deep breaths and begins to calm down.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Sorry. I'm a bit frazzled.
Liz- What's going on?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'm not prepared for this interview I'm about to do.
Liz- The Red Interview with Hideo Kojima?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Yes. I've been going around town preparing for Christmas, and it just slipped my mind.
Liz- Okay. Can we call it off?
Julia Diana Bobbi- No. There's a full crowd, Mr. Kojima is here, I can't call it off.
Liz- Relax.

Liz starts to look around the backstage area. She sees something on a table that causes her eyes to light up. It is the latest edition of Rolling Stone.

Liz picks it up and flips through it finds an interview with Bob Seger. Liz hand the interview to Julia.

Liz- Here, use this.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What, this interview?
Liz- Yes. Repurpose the questions from this interview for the interview tonight.
Julia Diana Bobbi- But what if the questions don't fit?
Liz- A good interviewer can make anything look. Now, go!

Liz pushes Julia out onto the stage. The crowd in the theater erupts in applause at the sight of her. Julia takes a seat on an elevated platform and begins the show.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. Tonight, we have an iconic force in entertainment. Please welcome Hideo Kojima.

Hideo Kojima walks out on the stage and joins Julia on the elevated platform.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Mr. Kojima, it is so nice to have you here.
Hideo Kojima- The pleasure is all mine.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You've been in the country for some time promoting your latest work. What are your best memories from this tour so far?
Hideo Kojima- Well, a clear highlight for me is my appearance on the Spike Video Game Awards. That appearance didn't go quite as smoothly as I would have liked, but it was great to interact with the fans and see their reaction to my latest project.

Julia starts fumbling around with the magazine in her hands.

Julia Diana Bobbi- What amazes you about Springsteen?
Hideo Kojima- Excuse me?
Julia Diana Bobbi- You know, Bruce Springsteen?
Hideo Kojima- The Boss.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Yes.
Hideo Kojima- One of the things that amazes me the most about Bruce Springsteen is his longevity in music business. It is one of my sincere hopes to have the longtime impact that an artist like The Boss has had in my particular line of work.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Um, in addition to TV shows and online, your work is also talked about on the radio. When was the first time you heard your work talked about on the radio?
Hideo Kojima- Radio? They still have that?

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Do you remember where you were when you first heard "Night Moves"?
Hideo Kojima- Night Moves? Is that a real thing?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I believe so.
Hideo Kojima- I thought that was just a thing from Children's Hospital.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I once heard John Fogerty say that he wrote songs while staring at a blank wall. Do you have any secret techniques?
Hideo Kojima- Not really. I do like reading in depth history books and drawing inspiration from the political intrigues of the past, but any people do that. I could say that I write my video games high, but I don't do that and many people do that anyway.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- When will we get to see you again?
Hideo Kojima- I can't really talk about that, but let's just say I am formulating plans for E3.

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- You look like you've lost weight recently.
Hideo Kojima- I do?

Julia against starts fumbling around with the magazine.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So when will you pass out tonight?
Hideo Kojima- I don't pass out much anymore. I used to back when I was first programming games. That resulted in a lot of good work coming out but also resulted in me becoming really unhealthy. In recent years, I've gotten better about time management. Some would argue that has resulted in my work not living up to my previous standard, but those people can blow me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay, well that is all for The Red Interview for tonight. I'd like to thank my guest, Hideo Kojima, as well as the studio audience and you the viewer for watching. Goodnight.

The stage goes dark as Julia hurriedly rushes off, leaving Hideo Kojima to sit on the raised platform in complete darkness.

END SCENE

Animation Avoidance

2011-12-11T19:01:00.003-07:00

VGA Haterade

On the night of Saturday, December 10th, 2011, the Spike Video Game Awards were held. I was one of the fortunate people to have a totally valid and indisputable excuse for not watching the VGAs live. I was at work. This gave me the opportunity to see the reaction of many of my fellow gamers to this award show via Twitter. Based on the what I gathered from the people I follow on Twitter, the general reaction was, to put it simply...

The general reaction of the video game playing public was negative. This was not unexpected. Every year the general reaction to the VGAs is negative. One could attribute this reaction to the general sense of displeasure felt by the video game playing public to everything at every time at every place, however assuming that would be too simplistic and doesn't speak to the real problem with the VGAs. In my humble opinion, the problem with the Spike Video Game Awards is not exclusive to just that award show. It has been my experience that all award shows that air on any cable network owned by Viacom sucks. Here are some examples.

What do you remember happening at the MTV Music awards over the past couple of years? You probably answered Lady Gaga's meat dress, Beyonce's faux baby bump, and Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift. You don't know who won, who was nominated, or who performed, you just remember meat dresses, baby bumps, and Kanye.

What do you remember happening at the MTV Movie Awards outside of "Twilight eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Your answer was, in all likelihood, nothing.

Do any of you recognize the logos above? Did any of you watch the award shows attributed to those logos? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Outside of the hosts at Spooky Hour Horror Hour, has anyone ever watched the Spike Scream Awards?

The problem with the Spike Video Game Awards is a systemic one. All of the award shows on any Viacom owned cable network is seen as lame, unwatchable, and devoid of value by most of the general public, as well as the people who are the most ardent fans of whatever media platform is receiving awards at that particular award show. Also, why the fuck did Zachary Levi host the VGAs?

Vacant Tires Of Avoidance

When I was a kid my family moves a lot. It was the nature of being in the military, frequent moves to whichever strange new place my dad happened to be stationed at the time. When I was eleven this process ended, but the ending of that process involved one final move. This move was to a place that I had heard was home but was not very familiar with. Utah.

Sure, I had family in Utah that greeted me warmly, but outside of my family, very few people wanted much to do with us. This was especially pronounced at school. The kids at school either wanted nothing to do with me, or were openly hostile to me for reasons I still do not understand. Perhaps part of the reason I don't understand it now is at the time I didn't want to deal with the situation. I just wanted to go away. I just wanted to hide.

On the playground at the first elementary school I went to in Utah was a pile of tires. A pile of tires organized and constructed in a way so that kids could climb and jump and play on them. This was not a particularly popular piece of playground equipment because it was a pile of tires. During most recess periods, the pile of tires would sit vacant. This vacancy is what made these tires appealing to me.

Some days, when the kids were being especially hostile to me and the weather was not hostile, I would hide in the pile of tires. I would find a place on the inside part of one of the tires where no one could see me but I could still hear the recess bell. There were days where this strategy would work and I could successfully hide. However there were also days where this strategy would not work. This wouldn't work, not because the kids would find me, because the adults would find me. The adults would find me, not ask me why I was hiding in the pile of tires, and shove me back into a situation that was making me miserable. This situation continued to make me miserable untill the day when I was, at long last, rid of those kids.

Now, in the days when I am an adult but the kids that once surrounded me are still kids, I undertake a similar strategy of avoidance. The main difference between then and now is my choice of tire.

I'm going to put this on my blog because I can't find any way else to do it online. If any of you know a Tyson Lowe who lives in Utah, tell him to contact me. I'm tired of dealing with the situation that Tyson has gotten me into anymore.

Red Review: Super Mario 3D Land

2011-12-04T19:59:00.002-07:00

Red Review: Super Mario 3D Land

Most people go on vacations to relax, have some fun, and enjoying living life with their friends and their family. I don't take vacations. I take adventures. For the past couple of years I've sought out and conquered the tallest, most dangerous, hardest to climb mountains in the world. It doesn't matter to me how much it costs, or how much time it will take me, if I see or hear about an infamous mountain, I will seek to conquer it.

Such is the case with my latest goal: Scaling Scott's Mountain 3. Scott's Mountain 3 has been deemed by Crazy Climber Magazine, "The most technically difficult mountain to climb in the southern hemisphere." In the forty years since the Dolorian government opened Scott's Mountain 3 to tourists, nineteen people have died trying to scale this mountain, including three people named Scott.

Once I caught wind of this natural taunt to the sport of climbing, I knew I what I had to do. I had to show this affront from God just who the real man was and flip this thing off as I was doing so. So I began training. I boned up on my fingertip climbing technique, my high altitude endurance, and my ability to turn snow into clean water that I can make ramen noodles out of in preparation for my feat.

Finally, the day came. The day when I would begin my planned eight day ascent, not only of the mountain, but also into the parthenon where the greatest men who ever existed dwells. I would conquer this mountain with only my pack, my iPod, and my handy guide Apa Sherpa by my side. The first couple of days on the mountain were relatively easy. There were very few real challenges, aside from some turtles and some persistant bumble bees. The challenge began to pick up on the fourth day. Nothing that I, as a supremely skilled climber, couldn't handle, but I could see that Apa was beginning to struggle. This is when I decided to give Apa a rest. By that I mean I forced him to drink several dozen Red Bulls.

The fifth day brought the first real challenge that I sincerely thought I could not handle. That is when I remembered something my father told me. He said, "No challenge is too big, unless you are a giant pussy." With those words I soldered on.

The sixth day was easy compared to the two days before that, however this day seemed really arduous to me. Perhaps it was because that was the first day Apa and I were forced to scavenge for food. Perhaps it was because that was the first day that I had to resort to drinking purified urine. I believe the reason that the sixth day was to difficult was that the day before Apa had broken his foot, but I insisted that he continue on in my conquest. I remember the inspirational words that drove him and I forward. "Look, Apa, just because I broke your foot last night while I was drunk is not a reason to turn back! Now, stick that bone back inside your body, and mush!"

The seventh day was kind of easy, although I don't really remember it. This is mostly due to the mushrooms I found that day. How am I supposed to know what mushrooms are for eating and which mushrooms are for getting high? That what I have Apa for, and he told me, "Sure, eat those mushrooms. There's no way those mushrooms can get you high, honest."

At the end of the eighth day, the summit was in sight. For the first time in several days, I was happy for a reason that was not connected to being in an intoxicated state. Slowly we reached the summit. Inch by inch, yard by yard, foot by broken foot, untill finally I reached the top. Apa reached the top as well, but who gives a fuck about him, I had reached the summit.

Whenever I reach the summit of a mountain, I close my eyes, to mentally prepare myself for looking back at the subject of my conquest. I take in all the sounds, smells, and feelings that I can experience before I see the beauty and majesty that I have just made my bitch. I followed the same routine upon reaching the summit of Scott's Mountain 3. After drinking in the subject of my conquest, opened my eyes and spun around on the summit. As I did so, I saw something that truly amazed me. I saw something that I had never seen before in all of my years of mountain climbing. Wanting to know more about this sight, I made an inquiry to my guide, Apa.

"Apa."

He didn't respond at first.

"Apa."

Again, no response. This is when I aroused Apa attention the only way I knew how, by hitting him.

"Apa!"

"What?"

Apa was noticeably annoyed. His indigence will later be reflected in his reduced salary.

"Apa, what the hell is that?"

I gestured toward the amazing sight with the hand I had used to strike Apa.

"What do you mean, Sir?"

"What do I mean? What the fuck do you think I mean?"

"Can we go down now? I think my foot is getting infected."

"I thought this was the summit."

"It is the summit."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then what the hell is that!"

I walked over in the direction of the amazing sight, thinking that Apa was unsure as to what I was referring to. Apa gave me this look like he didn't understand what I meant. I responded to this by picking up a piece of the amazing sight and throwing it at Apa's face.

"Sir, please don't throw dirt in my face again."

"What did I just throw at you?"

"Dirt, sir."

"Dirt from what?"

"Dirt from the mountain."

"What part of the mountain did I get the dirt from?"

"The part of the mountain that's connected to the ground?"

I didn't take Apa's attempt at comedy well.

"Apa, I took the dirt that I just threw at you from a part of the mountain that rises above where you told me the summit is."

"Yes."

The matter of fact way Apa said this aggravated me.

"What the fuck!"

"Sir, language."

"We've been working eight days to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3, now we're on it, and now I find out we have more mountain to climb to get to the summit."

"You're on the summit."

I was not pleased with Apa's response, so I threw more of the mountain at him.

"What the fuck don't you understand about I'm not at the top of the mountain."

"Right, you're on the summit."

"The summit is on top of the mountain!"

"Not necessarily. The summit of the mountain can be any place on the mountain, although it is most commonly at the top. Summits of mountains can be placed at the point that is hardest to get to, not commonly reached, or is the most beautiful."

Standing there listening to Apa give this thorough explanation of the definition of "summit" made me all the more want to throw something at him.

"Apa, I want to reach the top of this mountain."

"Why, sir?"

"Don't ask me why, there is no good reason why I climb mountains."

That's not exactly true, but admitting to the true reason why I climb mountains would lead to me admitting to things that might arouse police attention.

"Apa, how much longer do we have to climb to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3?"

"Eight days."

"So we're only half-way up the mountain?"

"Yes."

"Why is the summit placed half-way up the mountain?"

"I asked that of one of the villagers at the bottom of the mountain. He told me that the summit is placed where it is because it is a challenge but a challenge that even the weakest of infants can attain."

I didn't say anything no Apa in response to what he said. With a chill in my eyes and no expression on my face, I calmly walked toward Apa, placed my hand on his chest, and pushed him. Apa tried fervently to stop what I had done to him, but clearly my will was stronger than his. As the crunching and screaming joined with the natural sounds of the mountain, I could only look and smile.

Turning back to the amazing sight that was the rest of Scott's Mountain 3, I felt an almost instinctual urge bubble up from inside me. Conquering this mountain was not just something my mind wanted to do, it was something my body felt a drive within itself to do.

It's been six days since I shoved Apa down Scott's Mountain 3. I can see the top of the mountain, the true summit. I can also see the great immediate challenges that lie in front of me. There is a part of me that wants to go back and check on my former guide. However, there is another part of me that remembers that if Apa truly has expired that I am not obligated to pay him.

Super Marion 3D Land: B+

Unnecessary Senseless Pounding, Seriously

2011-11-27T18:48:00.002-07:00

Unnecessary Senseless Pounding, Seriously

Julia Diana Bobbi is sitting in her office typing on her computer. Liz comes in to talk to Julia. Throughout this scene, Hunter Red is pounding away on the office door of his boss, Rodger Red, and yelling "Rodger!" Hunter Red's fruitless yelling and pounding is especially pronounced during the lulls in the conversation.

Liz- Hey.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Hey.
Liz- What are you working on?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Nothing in particular. I'm actually doing some research.
Liz- About what?
Julia Diana Bobbi- The financial situation that Redertainment is currently in.
Liz- The one that has Hunter so aggravated right now?

Lull in the conversation.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Yeah. I figures, rather than just pounding on the door and yelling, I'd do something productive.
Liz- Yeah. I mean, while pounding and yelling can give you a good aerobic workout, it not really doing anything to get answers about what's going on.

Julia's printer begins to spit out paper.

Liz- What are you printing there?
Julia Diana Bobbi- R.C.O.A. financial reports.

Julia picks up the paper from her printer and reads it over. She them begins to mark it up as she talks to Liz.

Julia Diana Bobbi- It looks like if we eliminated The Dating Show, Human Zoo, and whatever this "Project Journal" is, we can save a lot of money.
Liz- Yeah. Given that the host of The Dating Show is in jail, where he belongs, and Human Zoo has been out of production for yeas now, those can be easily done away with.

Julia then flips over to the second page of the financial reports and promptly gets a shocked look on her face.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Frick!
Liz- What?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Look at how much this company is spending on pension and retirement packages.

Julia shows the page to Liz, who then gets a shocked look on her face.

Liz- Holy fuck!
Julia Diana Bobbi- Exactly.
Liz- Why the fuck is this company spending that much money on retirement? And who is that money going to?

More paper starts to spit out of Julia's printer, which she takes out of the printer and reads.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Apparently, the money is just going to a fund that is not being used by anyone. According to this report by Anthony Severe, the reason so much is being contributed to the retirement fund is that one of the former bosses here, Seifer Kinneas, set up a system to pre-fund the R.C.O.A. retirement fund seventy-five years in advance.
Liz- What kind of moron does that?
Julia Diana Bobbi- The kind of moron who makes decisions while he is drunk.

Lull in the conversation.

Liz- So, how do we reverse this decision?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I don't know, but I guess Rodger could do it.
Liz- So why hasn't he made that decision? And where is he, anyway?

Lull in the conversation.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I don't know, but it might be time to find out.

Julia gets up from her desk and leaves her office. Liz sits down on Julia's desk. Then Liz sneaks a look on Julia's computer.

Liz- Anthony Severe, why do I remember that name? Oh yeah, he used to work here. He filled in for Hunter while he was off in rehab. Why is he popping up again?

Liz gets up and leaves Julia's office as the scene ends.

END SCENE

Interviewing Record

2011-11-20T19:39:00.004-07:00

A Statement For The Record

In the many frantic attempts to dispute this story and condemn the people involved with the spreading of this story, the Herman Cain campaign, when commenting on Mr. Cain's recent sexual harassment allegations, stated that one of the accusers was the mother of a writer for Politico. This was based solely on both an accuser and a former writer for Politico having the same name. Despite Herman Cain's campaign manager stating that he has verified this assertion, the rumored link between the accuser and the writer was found to be false.

In an attempt to squash any connection that may be made in the future about any issue that may or may not come to light, I, Hunter F. Red, would like to state, for the record, that I am not related to the following people:

Torii Hunter, Rielle Hunter, Howard W. Hunter, Hunter S. Thompson, Red Auerbach, Kuilix, Red Skelton, Amazing Red, Redd Foxx, Red Green, Erik the Red, etc., etc., etc.

The Red Interview- Debbie Wasserman Schultz

On a lighted platform on a stage in front of an audience at The Official Office of The Redertainment Corporation Of America in Salt Lake City, UT, two chairs sit with no people sitting in them. Spurned on by a sign telling them to do so, the audience begins to applaud as Hunter Red, serving as an announcer, begins to speak.

Hunter Red(Off Stage, Not Seen)- Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody else, please welcome to The Redertainment Stage, Chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, Representative from Florida, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz walks out on the stage and takes a seat to light applause from the audience.

Hunter Red(Off Stage, Not Seen)- And now, please welcome, your host for The Red Interview, Julia Diana Bobbi.

Julia Diana Bobbi walks out to the stage and takes a seat next to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to thunderous applause from the audience. She is accompanied by the man pictured above, who stands slightly behind Julia and is not identified to this point.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Representative Wasserman Schultz, thank you for joining us today.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- Thank you for having me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Representative, you are sitting in a stage in Utah.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- Yes, it is great to be here in this beautiful state.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How aware are you of the current political climate in the state of Utah?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- Well, I am more concerned with affairs on the national level, but I am aware of the overwhelming conservative influence in Utah.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Can you tell me of the plans that the Democratic National Committee has for the upcoming elections in 2012?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- Well, I don't want to go into much detail, but we do have some definite plans in place to make progress for liberals in the state of Utah.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Representative, do you know who you are going to coordinate with in the state of Utah in relations to the elections in 2012?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- I know Jim Matheson will have plans for the elections next year-
Julia Diana Bobbi- I mean on the local level. Do you know who the chairman of the Utah Democratic Party is?

Debbie Wasserman Schultz thinks for a moment.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz- I don't know his name off the top of my head, but I have met him before and have a good working relationship with the chairman of the Utah Democratic Party, and look forward to working with him in the future.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You don't know the name of the chairman of the Utah Democratic Party?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- I'm sorry, but I don't.
Julia Diana Bobbi- But if you met him, if he was standing in the room with you, you would know who he is?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- Yes, without a doubt.

Julia Diana Bobbi motions to the man who accompanied her on stage and says-

Julia Diana Bobbi- Do you know who this is?

Debbie Wasserman Schultz thinks for a moment.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz- No, I can't say as I do.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You don't recognize him?
Debbie Wasserman Schultz- No, I do not.

Julia Diana Bobbi gets up from her chair turns to the man, Jim, who accompanied her and says-

Julia Diana Bobbi- Jim, do you want to introduce yourself to the Congresswoman?
Jim- Sure.

Jim takes Julia Diana Bobbi's seat as she walks off stage. Jim extends a hand to Debbie Wasserman Schultz to shake her hand and says-

Jim- Representative Schultz, my name is Jim Debakus, Chairman of the Utah Democratic Party.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz has an embarrassed look on her face as she shakes Jim Debakus's hand.

END SCENE

The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Hunter Red

Job Title:
Writer, Satirist, and Potential Lunch Winner for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Dynasty

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I live in a cultural black hole. Therefore, no one interesting ever comes here.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

Kylie Minogue's latest album, Aphrodite. What's with that look? DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

Where do you wish to retire?

The Galactic Leyline

What is your favorite novel or author?

It is entirely too arrogant to say that I am my favorite author. That is why I am going to say HUNTER FUCKING RED IS MY FAVORITE AUTHOR.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Your Mom.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Bonfire

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I might be out of a job come winter. Oh joy. (Sarcasm Emoticon)

Smoking Spam And Perry Como

2011-11-13T19:37:00.003-07:00

The Creative Process At Happy Madison

At a meeting in an office in Culver City, California, higher executives at Happy Madison Productions meet for another meeting to brainstorm ideas for their next project. These people are Adam Sandler, Barry Bernardi, Allan Covert and Tim Herlihy. They meet around a large table with a certain object in the center, pictured below.

The star of Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler, sits at the head of the table and begins the meeting.

Adam Sandler- Okay fellas, we've had a lot of success lately, made a ton of dough, but now the time has come to come up with another blockbuster idea.

The other people around the table nod and make noises affirming what Mr. Sandler just said. Adam pushes a button on the intercom sitting in front of him and says-

Adam Sandler- Steven, would you bring in the happy lettuce?

An intern, Steven, enters the room carrying a large bag filled with what appears to be oregano. However, what is in the bag is not oregano. Steven begins loading the "oregano" into the object at the center of the table and lights it. The intern leaves the room as three of the executives, all but Sandler, begin to breathe deeply from the object at the center of the table.

Adam Sandler- Okay guys, let's brainstorm.

Barry Bernardi takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Barry Bernardi- What if we do a movie where you are talking care of a kid, but it's not your kid, it's John Stewart's kid.

Adam looks at Barry and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that already, it's called Big Daddy.

Allan Covert takes a drag rom the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Allan Covert- What if we do a movie where you inherit a fuckton of money and bang Wynona Rider.

Adam looks at Barry and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that already, it's called Mr. Deeds.

Tim Herlihy takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Tim Herlihy- What if you play a hockey player who plays golf!

Adam looks at Tim and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that movie, in fact YOU WROTE IT.

Barry takes another drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Barry Bernardi- What if you marry Kevin James.

Adam looks at Barry with hate in his eyes and yells-

Adam Sandler- We did that movie already and nobody saw it!
Barry Bernardi- No, I mean just doing it. It's legal now in New York, Conan just got married there.
Adam Sandler- No, he just performed a marriage there. Come on guys, we've got to come up with a good idea.
Tim Herlihy- Why?
Adam Sandler- Why? Why! I'm tired of being a laughing stock!
Allan Covert- Why?
Adam Sandler- Because I want to be a respected actor.
Barry Bernardi- Why?
Adam Sandler- Are you people too high to ask any other questions?

There is a short pause.

Tim Herlihy- I'm not.
Adam Sandler- Then contribute to this discussion beyond just asking why.
Tim Herlihy- Okay, but first-

Tim takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano", then speaks.

Tim Herlihy- Man, that's good. Anyway, why do you want to make respectable films? All of the movies that Happy Madison has produced have been panned by critics, but that hasn't stopped them from making money. Every project we've greenlight has made money hand over fist. Why stop now?
Adam Sandler- Should we not be more concerned about making good quality films rather than making money?
Tim Herlihy- Rather than making money?
Adam Sandler- Yes.
Allan Covert- Dude, aren't you a registered Republican?

Adam takes a second before he answers.

Adam Sandler- Yes.
Barry Bernardi- Dude, that's sick!
Tim Herlihy- Adam, what is the driving force of the Republican Party?

Adam takes a second before he answers.

Adam Sandler- Money.
Tim Herlihy- Yes, making fat stacks of sweaty cash, even if that comes at the great loss of quality.
Adam Sandler- So?
Barry Bernardi- Don't you want to be a good Republican?

Adam thinks for a moment. Then he takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Adam Sandler- I guess you're right. Okay, how about this, there's a movie about a brother and sister who fight a lot, except I play both the brother and the sister. And we cast Al Pachino and make a lot of inside Hollywood jokes!

All the people around the table shout "Brilliant" as they begin to go through the process of producing Adam's new Hollywood movie idea, as well as smoking the rest of their "oregano".

END SCENE

The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Rodger Red

Job Title:
Owner, President, and Chief Executive Officer of The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

We didn't have TV when I was a kid. We barely had radio.

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met President Harding when I was just out of college. I said hello to him and he screamed at me to get him a goddamn drink.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

Is there a best of the Perry Como Show CD?

Where do you wish to retire?

I'll retire when I'm dead. Even then, I'll probably still be working.

What is your favorite novel or author?

I remember reading C.S. Lewis's Narnia series when it was released. Tolkien is nothing compared to Lewis.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

I'd like to visit Monaco again. The place has never been the same since Princess Grace died.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I already have a million dollars.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I ALREADY HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Hello Stranger, Hunter Red

You remember or not, but Hunter Red is here

I am only 28 years old
If you still remember, we met in a mall a week ago
That was quite offensive, but I got book for you from my naughty sale
You can download it from Amazon, you will like the girls there!
Priest science blue
Liquid care gate knot correspondent

If you want, we can repeat it anytime. Bye!

Review Of An Infamous Film

2011-11-06T20:12:00.002-07:00

Review: A Serbian Film

Just before Valentine's Day of this year, I watched I Spit On Your Grave, the review of which turned into a fitting blog post for how I was feeling at the time. Shortly thereafter, I made plans in my mind to do a similar thing with a film that had the reputation of being more grotesque than I Spit On Your Grave the following Valentine's Day. This was a film that, I thought, would require me to scour bittorrent sties to find a good, clean download of this film in a format I could readily play on my laptop.

On October 29th, 2011 that changed. While watching a clip from Attack Of The Show on Hulu, I learned that this film is available, legally and legitimately. After a search on Amazon, I found that this film was available on one day delivery in a price range that fit into my budget. This is why I bought and watched A Serbian Film. Don't believe me?

For the first part of the film, I didn't see anything of a nature that I hadn't seen in film before. Sure this film was about porn stars filming a pornographic movie, so some lines were crossed, but nothing that I wasn't prepared for or had not seen before. Then, at about forty-five minutes, I saw something I hadn't seen in a legitimate piece of cinema before. A man orgasming on a woman's face. This is something I had seen in pornography many times throughout the years, never once had I seen it in a cinematic film. After that, the film seemed to go downhill, something which was not unexpected. Let me explain.

I had an discussion once with a fellow writer in a writing class I took in college where I studied writing. In this discussion, it was my viewpoint that in order for a low point to have more effect you needed to start in a high point, or at least ramp up to a high before you hit the low. This makes the low point that you achieve have more of an impact, much like a rollercoaster. However, the fellow writer I was having a discussion with disagreed with me. He felt it was important to start low and to go lower, thereby reflecting the world as he saw it. Watching A Serbian Film reminded me of this discussion.

There was a great opportunity in this film to build up to a high point before hitting the low, and then hitting the other low, and then hitting the low below the low that you just hit. However, the makers of A Serbian Film failed to capitalize on this opportunity to make their low have more of an impact, due in part to the music that is played throughout this film.

The Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile is known for being littered with tracks that, in the years since it's release, have been used in trailers for movies such as 300, Terminator: Salvation, and The Avengers. The Fragile is also known for something else: Being really uncomfortable to listen to. The music in The Fragile sounds like something out of a dreary, grotesque, depressing, uncomfortable to watch horror film. The music in The Fragile reminds me of the music that fills A Serbian Film, except taken to a further step. The music in A Serbian Film sets the mood of a dark, dank, disgusting location where hope goes to die. The problem is that if you are trying to convey characters that have some sort of optimism in their lives you don't want to use music like that. Of course if the filmmakers had tried to convey such a optimistic viewpoint, audiences may have walked away form this film with the impression that the filmmakers were trying to fuck with them. This is due to all of the things that happen in A Serbian Film after the forty-five minute point.

There was some time after I played Silent Hill 3 that I refused to lend that game to anyone. This was due to the horrific images that I saw in that game, images that changed the way that I consume survival horror games. A Serbian Film may take that place in my library of movies. I may not even acknowledge that I own it after this. After the forty-five minute point, there are many scenes involving sex, murder, rape, and blood that will shock the normal viewer. This is where A Serbian Film earns it's reputation in spades. There are many scenes that I dare not describe, but there is one climatic scene that I can vaguely describe.

Have you ever heard the infamous and legendary joke The Aristocrats? Have you ever heard anyone tell that joke in a way that just revels in the disgusting nature of that joke? Well, there is a scene in A Serbian Film that resembles that joke, but this scene is not played for jokes. Not at all. This scene also incorporates blood, murder, and eye fucking. Yes, I'm not kidding, eye fucking. This scene, the scene that involves eye fucking, is not the most obscene scene in the film, but it is one of the more explicit ones.

I don't know how to accurately sum up A Serbian Film. While I can say that I did not enjoy watching this film, the film does contain a certain draw to me after having seen it. There is a part of me that, as a writer, wants to know the depths of human depravity so that I can reproduce it and convey it to readers of my work. However, if you do not have such a drive inside you, I can not suggest A Serbian Film to you. If you do watch A Serbian Film, let me give you this bit of advice: Watch it sober, while not eating anything, and, if you can, watch it alone. Much like any good pornographic movie out there, I would feel uncomfortable watching A Serbian Film with another person in the room.

Spotlight On The Sale Of Occupy Valve

2011-10-30T20:37:00.005-06:00

Are You Just Making Up Stuff?

At a TechNW panel, Gabe Newell has explained the string of pricing experiments that resulted in the recognition of something Mr. Newell calls "time-shifting revenue". Newell explained that these experiments were conducted by Steam first lowering prices on certain games without telling people about it. Then, Steam lowered prices on certain games, told people about it, then saw better results. In summation, Steam lowered prices without telling people about it, then lowered prices while telling people about it, and claim that the resulting increased results is due to "time-shifting revenue".

I beg to differ. What Gabe Newell just demonstrated is the power of advertising. If you don't tell people that a price is lower, a low amount of people are going to know the price is lower, thereby stunting how many people will take advantage of the lower price. However, if you lower prices then tell people about it, more people are going to know about it, enabling more people to take advantage of the lower price. The difference in the two situations is that YOU TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT IT. YOU ENGAGED IN ADVERTISING!!!

As Judge Judith Sheindlin says, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." Valve, don't make up impressive sounding terms to try to make yourself sound better than you actually are. Doing so just insults the public that you are trying to sell games to, and people do not like being insulted. Also, get to work on Half-Life 3. If I release Project Journal before a real teaser trailer for Half-Life 3 is released, I call on gamers to #OccupyValve.

The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Liz

Job Title:
General Executive Secretary for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

The Monkees

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met Bono in Ireland before he was famous. At least I think it was Bono. At the very least, I met an pompous Irish asshole in a pub while I was on vacation.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The audio version of How To Craft A Boat To Get Yourself Off A Desert Island.

Where do you wish to retire?

Somewhere where I could be with my grandkids.

What is your favorite novel or author?

I tend to read a lot of romance novels. I base my purchase on the hunkiness of the guy on the cover and not person who wrote it.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Where my grandkids are right now.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Retire and spend my days sleeping and playing with my grandchildren and sleeping.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have a tattoo that only my husband has seen.

SALE SALE SALE SALE!!!

In recognition of the birth of television icon Kelly Osbourne, we here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to announce our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale! Yes, come celebrate the birthday of fashion opinionist and rumored lap-band surgery recipient Kelly Osbourne and take advantage of deals on all the products offered for sale by The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Were you contemplating buying Hunter Red's The Black Robin Christmas Carol on Kindle, but were too much of a cheapskate to buy it when it was only $3? Well, now you can stop being such a damn cheapskate, because The Black Robin Christmas Carole on Kindle is now only $1. That's right, one dollar, in the only currency that matters, American currency.

In fact, all of Hunter Red's book currently available on Kindle, and the way lesser known and highly irrelevant Nook, have been reduced to $1. You can get The Hawk, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, and The Black Robin Christmas Carol now for only a dollar a piece. That's 66% off the previous price!

Now, what if you are an old fart that insists on sticking to physical media. Well, fear not you old, old, old, OLD person. You too can get in on the savings!

The physical versions of Hunter Red's works currently up for sale on Amazon.com have been reduced from $7 to only $5.40. That just over 22% off the already low prices!

So buy all of the products currently available from The Redertainment Corporation Of America during our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale. These deals won't last long, unless Mr. Red doesn't bother to raise the prices back to the previous level. And remember, if you don't take advantage of these deals, Kelly Osbourne will hate you.

Spotlight On The Fact That I'm Awesome

2011-10-23T19:44:00.002-06:00

Kids, Google Andy Rooney

On October 2, 2011, commentator Andy Rooney delivered his final commentary at the end of 60 Minutes, capping a thirty-three career in television. In his final commentary, Mr. Rooney stated that he does not plan to retire, for writers never really retire. Instead, Mr. Rooney will continue to write commentaries on everyday life. What follows is the first commentary Mr. Rooney wrote in his post-60 Minutes career.

Over the past couple of months, in preparation for my exit from 60 Minutes, I've been thinking over my career and the many things I have done. A certain sense of awe sets in when I think of all the people, in all the parts of the word, that have heard my words. Not many writers can claim to have had such influence over people for such a long period of time. Whether they agree or disagree with me, they at least heard me, and they heard me for a long time.

If I allow myself to set aside any sense of humility, when I think of the broad scope of my career, I can only come to one conclusion. I, Andy Rooney, am awesome. I am one of the most awesome writers living today. I'm pretty sure that, even if I never write another word again, my intense awesomeness is something not many people can top.

I'm certainly more awesome than most of the young writers of today. Most of those writers are too concerned with commercial success or the "artistic pursuit" to even come close to my grand awesomeness. Many of the young writers are too concerned with peppering their work with swear words to be concerned with being awesome, like I clearly am. I worked for years without swearing, making my awesomeness even larger. There are writers out there who's work is awash in swearing and explicit content. One such author that stick out in my mind is Nicholson Baker, prick.

As I age, some would argue that my awesomeness has diminished, but I don't feel that to be so. The fact is that my awesomeness is just as large and prevalent as it has ever been, and will continue to be so. However, with my departure from 60 Minutes, my awesomeness is transitioning to another form. Perhaps my awesomeness will become even larger as a gain a presence online. That is, if I ever figure out how to turn my computer on.

The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Julia Diana Bobbi

Job Title:
Host/Interviewer for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers and Winnie the Pooh

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met President Thomas S. Monson once. He was nice.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The Sounds. I just love all their stuff. It's bouncy and happy and filled with fun!

Where do you wish to retire?

The only plans I have for retirement is to serve a mission with my future husband.

What is your favorite novel or author?

Chris Heimerdinger. Either him or Nephi.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

The Temple. I can see it from my office everyday and want desperately to stroll around inside it.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I'd launch my own Mormon themed podcast. Sure there are a ton of those out there, but there's always room for more.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have read the Book Of Mormon once a year, every year, since I was nine.

Dan Wheldon: June 22 1978 – October 16 2011

2011-10-16T20:02:00.002-06:00

Dan Wheldon dies following crash

Red Review: Hotel Dusk

2011-10-09T20:03:00.003-06:00

Red Review: Hotel Dusk

In a bar in Salt Lake City, just down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Hunter Red is trying to chat up a girl at a bar, named Bridgette Pan.

Hunter Red- ...but the pacing in that film was so cool, especially in the first sequence.
Bridgette Pan- Which part was that?
Hunter Red- The first part where Ryan Gossling's character is the getaway driver trying to get away from the cops. In most car movies recently, that sequence would have been all action, all adrenaline, all fast fast fast fast.
Bridgette Pan- Yeah.
Hunter Red- But in Drive, that scene is paced in a way that result in this thick, rich tension being developed over time, and I truly enjoy that.
Bridgette Pan- I see.

Bridgette Pan is clearly not impressed by Hunter Red, but Hunter Red doesn't realize it.

Hunter Red- So, can I call you sometime? Perhaps get some coffee?
Bridgette Pan- Well, I don't drink coffee, but yeah, I'll give you my number.

Bridgette Pan gets out a piece of paper, writes down a number, and gives it to Hunter Red.

Bridgette Pan- There you go.
Hunter Red- Allright, I'll call you.
Bridgette Pan- Yeah, sure.

Bridgette Pan gets up off her barstool and walks away. As Hunter Red watches her leave, a guy sits down next to Hunter Red.

Unknown Guy- Crash and burn.

Hunter Red turns to talk to this guy.

Hunter Red- Excuse me?
Unknown Guy- You just blew your chance. That girl is never going to talk to you again.
Hunter Red- What makes you think you know anything about-
Unknown Guy- Call the number she just gave you.
Hunter Red- Won't calling her so soon make me seem-
Unknown Guy- Just call it.

Hunter Red takes out his cellphone and calls the number Bridgette Pan gave him. After a few moments, Hunter Red hangs up his phone and has a dejected look on his face.

Unknown Guy- Was it the girl you were just chatting up?
Hunter Red- No.
Unknown Guy- Who was it?
Hunter Red- The Department Of Sewage Treatment.
Unknown Guy- Ouch! That is a major slam.

Hunter Red gets a really dejected look on his face.

Unknown Guy- Hey, cheer up guy. I can help you out.
Hunter Red- Who are you?
Unknown Guy- Martin Summer. You might have heard of me.
Hunter Red- No, I can't say I have.
Martin Summer- Really? You must not read much. I'm kind of a big deal in the writing world.
Hunter Red- What do you, run a publishing house or something?

Martin Summer gets this offended look on his face.

Martin Summer- No, I'm a writer.
Hunter Red- Really? So am I.
Martin Summer- Pfft. I doubt it. If you were a writer, I'd have heard of you.
Hunter Red- I haven't heard of you. Also, I don't want myself to be famous, I want my work to be famous.
Martin Summer- Pfft. That's child's play. All good writers want to be a famous big deal, like I am.
Hunter Red- Sure you are.
Martin Summer- You don't believe me?
Hunter Red- No, I do not believe you.
Martin Summer- Check this out.

Martin Summer turns to a woman sitting on the barstool next to him, heretofore referred to as Nicole.

Martin Summer- Hello miss.
Nicole- Hi.
Martin Summer- I'm Martin Summer. Perhaps you've heard of me?
Nicole- Oh yeah.

Clearly, Nicole has not heard of Martin Summer nor is really listening to him. Not recognizing this, Martin Summer persists.

Martin Summer- So, perhaps we can meet up later. I can talk to you about writing theory, the creative process, and general deep philosophical concepts.
Nicole- Oh yeah, sure. (To someone away from the bar.) Hey, Angela!

Nicole gets up and walks away from the bar. Hunter Red takes note of this.

Hunter Red- That seemed to work well.

Martin Summer takes out his smartphone and points it at Nicole. After a couple of moments, he says-

Martin Summer- Yep, lesbian. I had no shot, my phone confirms that.
Hunter Red- Sure it does.
Martin Summer- Yeah, lines like that work all the time if the girl in question is receptive to it.

Hunter Red finishes his drink then speaks to Martin Summer again.

Hunter Red- Sure. Hey, I'm going to go over there, but I'll be right back to learn your technique.
Martin Summer- I'm looking forward to teaching you the technique that removed the panties off ladies nationwide.
Hunter Red-(Sarcastically) Sure it did.

Hunter Red walks away from the bar, wholly intending not to return. Martin Summer gets the attention of the bartender.

Martin Summer- Bartender, get me the manliest drink you have, which is, of course, a Stella Artois. The beer so manly Adrien Body does ads for it.

END SCENE

Written on my iPad while listening to my iPod Touch while drinking my iSoda. Thank you Mr. Jobs.

Romantically Mining Screaming Politicians

2011-10-02T19:52:00.002-06:00

Politician
By Hunter Red

I see the two of you sitting across the way.
I see you
Taking, laughing, connecting,
Generally being engrossed with eachother,
Loving eachother,
Reveling in the closeless you two share.

I see the two of you,
I watch you,
I am jealous of you,
I am envious of you,
I see that you have what I do not,
What the world has denied me,
I see you and I hate you

I decide as I am sitting there,
As I am watching you,
You,
And I make a decision.
I will use my influence,
I will use my position,
I will use my power,
And I will make you miserable,
As miserable as I am.
No.
More.

I will bring a mighty weight down upon you,
A weight that, even thought you will surely try,
Is inescapable.
A weight that is weilded by me, people like me,
And, most importantly, not you,
You unworthy scum.

I will use this weight to prevent you from having
What I want,
But has been denied to me.
You will be cast aside,
Cast down,
Through the actions of many,
And in the mind of you
Because of what I do
To you

You will not have what I desire
Because of me,
Because of my hatred for you.
And even if you try to attain
What I fervently wish I had,
Because of me,
Because of me!
You will not enjoy it.

Overlooked Ruby

If you venture into a mine, long since abandoned by it's owner, you can often find little gems in the less traveled sections of the mine. Often these are gems that have been overlooked by those who were digging the mine. Sometimes these gems are ones that were discarded, either because the gem was not what the mine owner was looking for, or the gem was not of an attractive market value. If you venture into these abandoned mines and find these abandoned gems, they can often sparkle in your eyes and, in a soft subtle way, speak to the holder. The holder can hear the gem say things to them that they find to be sweet, alluring, and just what they needed to hear at the moment. Sometimes, on a very rare occasion, that gem can say to the holder, "Hello. My name is Hunter."

We Want Answers!

Hunter Red is sitting in his office reading, shockingly enough, the newspaper. Specifically, Hunter is reading the Salt Lake Tribune. While Hunter is reading the newspaper, he comes across a story that, while reading it, causes his face to contort in distressing ways. Eventually Hunter angrily throws down his newspaper, storms out of his office, and begins to pound on the office door of his boss, Rodger Red.

Hunter Red- Rodger! RODGER! I just read something in the newspaper. Rodger! (Pound Pound Pound) RODGER! There's a news story that says that The Redertainment Corporation Of America might run out of money come winter. Rodger! (Pound Pound Pound Pound Pound) RODGER! Are you going to say anything about this? Are you going to refute this? Is this story false? Were you going to tell Julia, Liz, 5toz, or me about this? Rodger! RODGER! (More Vigorous Pound Pound Pound) Damn it, I know you're in there! Get out here and answer these questions. Rodger RODGER! RODGER!!! (Continued Pounding Untill The Scene Fades To Black)

END SCENE

Jargon To English: Sony Website TOS Version

2011-09-25T19:51:00.004-06:00

Terms Of Servicing You

Earlier this year, I, along with my personal kick-ass attorney Ed Brass, did a section by section legal jargon to English translation of the iTunes Terms Of Service Agreement. Recently I encountered the Terms Of Service Agreement for the Playstation Network. This TOS confounded me in a way that usually only communicating with drunk people does. Therefore I teamed up with Ed Brass again to translate the Playstation Network Terms Of Service from legal jargon into English that is understandable by humans.

The first thing I am going to tackle is the Terms Of Service that you have to agree to when you make an account and sign into one of Sony's websites. That is not the PlayStation Network Terms Of Service agreements, just the agreement you, apparently, agree to when you use one of Sony's websites. The Sony website TOS agreement is six pages long, the Sony PSN TOS is much longer. No, seriously. I will tackle the Sony PlayStation Network Terms Of Service agreement once I and Ed Brass has a free month and a half.

Link to Terms Of Service Agreement

Here are the Terms of Service we expect you to follow:
1. ABILITY TO ACCEPT TERMS OF SERVICE
This section says that this Terms Of Service agreement is a legally binding contract between you and Sony. It also says that by using Sony's websites you affirm that you are able to enter into legally binding contracts.

2. ACCOUNT AND NON-ACCOUNT USERS
This section says that you do not need to create a Playstation Network (PSN) account to view Sony's sites, but if you do create an account, you will have access to more of the features of Sony's websites, as well as Sony's online community, which allows you access to games, additional content for games, movies, television shows, and original programming. This section also informs you of how you can create your own PlayStation Network account, but also informs you that creating such an account will result in you having to agree to another Terms Of Service agreement, as well as a Privacy Policy that governs PSN. These agreements also apply to you when you sign into your PSN account on Sony's websites. Also, creating a PSN account is free.

3. USE OF YOUR INFORMATION
This section states that Sony respects your information and privacy and will not disclose your personal information to any third party, other than parties states in their Privacy Policy. It also states that by using Sony's sites, you affirm that Sony is not responsible for the personal information that you disclose on it's sites. This section also warns you about disclosing personal identification on it's sites.

This paragraph discloses that you may be provided with information about products and services from companies not affiliated with Sony, and that Sony is not responsible for information given to you by any outside party.

4. OWNERSHIP OF CONTENT ON SITES
This section deals with the ownership of content on Sony's websites. This section makes it abundantly clear that content that appears on Sony's sites are owned by the people who created that content, not you. This section also states that you CAN NOT create content based on content on Son'y sites without express permission of the content owner. It also says that you can not tell content that is available on Sony's sites.

This paragraph explicitly states what you, the user, can do with the content that is made available on Sony's sites. This paragraph states that you can:
1. Surf and view sites that have Sony's content on it in a manner consistent with normal web browsing activity
2. Use the content available on Sony's sites for personal, non-commercial use. It also makes it abundantly clear that you, the user, can not make money by distributing the content available on Sony's sites for any profit making venture. This includes many ideas that Sony does not go into great detail about because they do not want to make an exhaustive list of such ideas. (It actually says that they do not want to create an exhaustive list)

This paragraph states that, even if Sony does give you permission to use the content on Sony's sites, they still own that content. Also, if they include any information conveying any ownership information on the content, you should not alter that information.

5. USER GENERATED CONTENT
This section deals with User Generated Content, hence the section title. This section informs you that some of Sony's sites allow you to communicate with other users and create, upload, share, and distribute content in connection with those sites. Content governed by this section does not include blog posts and message board postings. If you post your viewpoints on your blog site or message boards, you have no right to restrict or allow access to that content.

A. YOUR USE OF USER GENERATED CONTENT
This section tells you that, while it is great for you to share and upload content, that certain kinds of content are not authorized to be uploaded to Sony's sites. This section then tells you what kinds of content are not authorized for use on Sony's sites. There are as follows:
1. Copyrighted material, unless you have permission from the copyright holder.
2. Content that contains false statements or misrepresentations that could damage Sony or any third party.
3. Contents that contain messages that make fun of Sony or any third party.
4. Contents that can be deemed offensive in any reasonable context, or encourages people to break the law.
5. Content that serves as an ad for any commercial activity.
6. Impersonates a person that is not yourself.
7. Content that acts as SPAM for a product or service.
8. Content that violated the Code Of Conduct, to be described later, the Terms Of Service, or any other agreement referenced in this Terms Of Service.

B. LICENSE FOR USER GENERATED CONTENT
This section pertains to licensing of User Generated Content. If you post content to Sony's sites, assuming you have to right to use that content, you are giving Sony the right to use that content. Sony's does not have to gain permission to use any content you upload to Sony's sites, as this agreement serves as your consent. Nor do they have to pay you for said content.

By loading content onto Sony's sites, you give Sony an unconditional, perpetual, and boundless license to use that content in any way they deem fit. They can use your content in any way, in any media form, in any country, and do not have to compensate you for doing so. Sony can also create derivative works based on content that you upload onto their sites. Sony can also license the content that you upload to any Sony site to any third party that they see fit without having to obtain permission from the creator.

Also, if you upload content based on any copyright you hold or have right to, you give Sony the right to distribute that content consistent with the paragraph seen above. You have no right to dispute Sony's use of said content. It is also your responsibility to resolve any dispute that arises if you lose the right to any copyrighted property that you create content for that you upload to any of Sony's sites. Your responsibility, not Sony's.

C. SCREENING AND REMOVAL OF USER GENERATED CONTENT
This section states that Sony has the right, but not the obligation, to screen, move, edit, or remove any content uploaded to Sony's sites for any reason.

D. RISK FROM USER GENERATED CONTENT
This section makes it clear that Sony is not responsible for content that they do not create. Sony advises that you should enjoy this content at your own risk.

The following paragraph affirms that the content that appears on Sony's sites is the responsibility of the person who created the content, not Sony.

6. YOUR COPYRIGHTED WORK
This section deals with copyrighted work. Sony Computer Entertainment America, Inc. ("SCEA") respects the copyrights of others, and has adopted the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (17 U.S.C. 512 et seq.).

SCEA, once they are altered about an infringement of copyright law, may remove or block access to the disputed content, and can deny users access to Sony's sites if the repeatedly engage in this behavior. If SCEA does take action in relation to a copyright dispute, they will take reasonable steps to inform impacted parties of their actions.

Procedure for Reporting Copyright Infringement:

This paragraph tell you that if you believe that content uploaded to one of Sony's sites infringes on your copyright, the Designated Agent for such disputes is:

Riley Russell
Legal & Business Affairs Department
Sony Computer Entertainment America Inc.
919 East Hillside Blvd., 2nd Floor
Foster City, CA 94404
By phone: 650-655-8000
By email: infringement@playstation.sony.com

The following paragraphs and bullet points tell you what information must be included when you make a claim of copyright infringement. If you legitimately feel that something uploaded to one of Sony's sites infringes on your copyright, might I suggest contacting a powerful attorney about this manner, such as Brass Cordova.

Supplying a Counter-Notice Regarding Alleged Copyright Infringement
The following paragraphs and bullet points deals the process you must undertake if you feel that a wrongful claim of copyright infringement has been made against you. Again, if you feel this is the case, contact a powerful attorney, such as Brass Cordova.

7. CODE OF CONDUCT
This section lays out the Code Of Conduct, governing permissible and impermissible conduct on Sony's online community, PlayStation Network. This section stipulates that if you sign into PSN, you must adhere to Sony's Code Of Conduct.

This paragraph stated that you are not allowed to give any legitimate and legal information that can identify you, your family, or your business directly on one of Sony's sites.

Under Sony's Code Of Conduct policy, you are also prohibited from doing the following:
a. Anything deceptive or misleading
b. Any abusive, intimidating, harassing, or stalking behavior
c. Making any content available on one of Sony's sites that can be seen as offensive in any way. This includes content that is racist, ethnically offensive, bigoted, sexist, libelous, defaming, threatening, bullying, or stalking
d. Organizing hate groups
e. Spreading viruses, worms, spyware, time bombs, or other programs that can damage, interfere, or disrupt Sony's sites, computers, or users
f. Doing anything that causes a disruption to one of Sony's sites, hardware, software, or network
g. Engaging in hacking or reverse engineering while utilizing one of Sony's services
h. Making a false report of user abuse
i. Violating the law
j. Taking action that disrupts the normal flow of things on one of Sony's sites, including posting junk letters, unauthorized material, SPAM, excessive mails, or chain letters
k. Using one of Sony's sites to distribute commercial content
l. Posting content that you are aware infringes on the rights of any third party, as well as breaks the law, regulation, contract, or fiduciary obligations
m. Impersonating any person on one of Sony's sites
n. Using information taken from one of Sony's sites to develop your own hardware or software, whether that hardware or software is authorized or unauthorized.

8. REPORTING ABUSE
This section details the process you must undertake when you want to report abuse on one of Sony's sites. To report violations, call SCEA Consumer Services at 1-800-345-7669, or use the moderation tools on the website that you are using.

9. HOTSPOT AND INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDERS
This section informs you that Sony is not an Internet Service Provider, and that they are not responsible for problems, charges, or information collecting that comes with utilizing a Internet Service Provider, which Sony is not.

10. LINKING POLICY
This section tells you the rules for linking to something on one of Sony's sites from a site not owned by Sony. The link in question must not disparage Sony, the site linking to Sony's site must not claim to be a connected to Sony, the website doing the linking must not alter the way that Sony's site appears, and the website doing the linking must not display any of Sony's logos to create the link that they are using to deliver users to one of Sony's websites.

This paragraph states that you may use Sony's sites to link to a third party site. It also says that Sony does not screen such links and are not responsible for the content that such links take you to. By using Sony's sites, you agree that Sony does in fact hold no responsibility. Enjoy!

11. SWEEPSTAKES, CONTESTS AND PROMOTIONS
This section deals with contests that are made available on Sony's sites, and makes it clear that there are different rules for every contest and that the rules for those contests must be read in full before you participate in those contests.

12. WARRANTY DISCLAIMER
This sections conveys that Sony hopes that you enjoy the sites that Sony owns and hopes that they function properly, but is not responsible for any damages that occur when utilizing Sony's sites. There is no warranty of any kind implied or administered when utilizing Sony's sites whatsoever.

13.LIMITATION OF LIABILITY
This section limits the liability that Sony can occur when users utilize their sites. In summation, Sony, it's employees, executives, shareholders, representatives, agents, or anybody else associated with Sony assumes no liability of any kind for anything.

14. INDEMNITY
This sections states that upon agreeing to this Terms Of Service agreement, you, the person agreeing to this agreement, agrees to hold Sony, or anybody affiliated directly with Sony, blameless from any and all damages that can arise from you posting User Generated Content on Sony's sites. Sony also refuses to defend you if any third part makes any claims against you for the posting of such content on Sony's sites.

15. MODIFICATION
This section states that Sony can make changes to this Terms Of Service agreements at any time. This section also states that by using one of Sony's sites, you agree to follow the current Terms Of Service agreement. To print out a copy of this document, go to http://www.us.playstation.com/termsofuse.

16. INDEPENDENT PARTIES
This sections makes it clear that you are not Sony, are not affiliated with Sony, do not have a working agreement with Sony, and are not allowed to represent yourself as being Sony, being affiliated with Sony, or having a working agreement with Sony.

17. TERMINATION
This sections asserts that Sony can terminate your access to Sony's sites at any time, but if Sony terminates your sections sections 3-9, 12, 13, 15 – 19, 21 and 22 of the Terms of Service will still apply to you.

18. STATUTE OF LIMITATION
This section states that, regardless of any law or statute to the contrary, that all grievances that you have in relation to this Terms Of Service will not result in legal action after one (1) year.

19. GOVERNING LAW AND JURISDICTION.
This section states that the Sony's Terms Of Service is governed by San Mateo County in the State Of California, and that, upon agreeing to this Terms Of Service agreement, all legal disputes must be made through those jurisdictions.

THIS PARAGRAPH IS IN ALL CAPS AND LOUDLY THANKS YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS TERMS OF SERVICE AGREEMENT!

The paragraph that informs you of all of the trademarks that Sony hold that you commonly run across in use of Sony's sites.

The Terms Of Service is copyrighted by Sony Computer Entertainment America LLC. in 2011.

Destroying Your Chance To Translate The Welcoming Riot

2011-09-18T19:50:00.003-06:00

Welcome Back... Are You Okay?

It's Thursday morning at The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. Rodger Red, Julia Diana Bobbi, and Liz are busily working away when Hunter Red strolls into the offices. No one reacts to his presence, except for Julia.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter! You're back in one piece.

Hunter is visibly disgusted by this statement by Julia, even as Julia is giving Hunter a hearty hug.

Hunter Red- Liz, what did you tell her?

Liz- That you were off the wagon.

Hunter Red- Yes, what else?

Julia Diana Bobbi- They tried to convince me that you were a lost cause.

Hunter Red- Fuck!

Hunter leaves the general office area and goes into his office. Julia follows him.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, how was your trip?

Hunter Red- Great. I got a lot of work done in between going to shows and stuff.

Julia Diana Bobbi- You worked on your vacation?

Hunter Red- Sure. Why do you think Rodger isn't all over my ass about content?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Because you wrote that five part piece that we've been slowly rolling out on the website.

Hunter Red- The Reunion? Oh. Damn, I forgot about that.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, are you okay?

Hunter Red- Yeah. I got a little sunburnt walking to a strip club, but I get sunburnt anytime I walk outside.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk.

Julia Diana Bobbi- No, I mean, are you okay?

Hunter Red- Yeah. Why do you ask?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Because I'm concerned about you and your battle with alcoholism.

Hunter sighs audibly.

Hunter Red- Julia, I thank you for your concern. (Louder so that Liz and Rodger can hear)The God I don't believe in knows that no one else in this office does.

Liz- I just take the phone calls.

Rodger Red- Remember, your deadline is coming up.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk, to the point where she takes a seat on the corner of it.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter-

Hunter Red- You're getting awfully close, Julia.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh, I'm sorry.

Hunter Red- I'm not. I don't know if I've told you this before, but you have a delectable butt.

Julia takes this compliment oddly.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Thanks. Anyway, Hunter, I'm concerned about you because I'm aware of the severe effects that alcohol can have on the-

Hunter Red- Do you know when I got back into town?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Yesterday?

Hunter Red- No, Tuesday. Do you know what I did with my extra day?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Cleared out your TiVo and drank?

Hunter Red- I visited my therapist.

Julia doesn't know how to react to this statement.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay.

Hunter Red- You see, I can't go to traditional AA, because of the heavy spiritual influence. Instead, the addiction therapist I went to for recovery advised that I go to a clinical psychologist on a regular basis and whenever I slip up.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So you and your therapist talked it out and your back on the road to recovery?

Hunter Red- Yep.

Julia is made jubilant by this affirmation.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Excellent!

Julia hops off Hunter's desk and gives him a hug. Hunter doesn't know what to make of this, but enjoys it regardless.

Julia Diana Bobbi- It's good to see you are dedicated to your recovery.

Hunter Red- It's good to see your butt from this angle.

Julia breaks the hug and makes her way to Hunter's office door.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter, if you ever need to talk about anything, my office is right over there.

Hunter Red- Okay. Thank you.

Hunter is sincere when he thanks Julia. As Julia makes her way toward her office, Hunter says-

Hunter Red- You know, I wasn't kidding about what I said about your butt.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I know, but you, nor anybody else for that manner, will get their hands on my butt untill the night I get married.

Julia continues on her travel to her office and goes out of sight of Hunter's gaze. When she does so, Hunter digs around in his desk, pulls out an old bottle of Grey Goose, opens it and says-

Hunter Red- To that lucky, lucky, lucky man. It won't be me, but I hope that guy knows the kind of woman he's managed to snag.

Hunter takes a swig from his Grey Goose bottle then puts it back in it's drawer.

END SCENE

YOU DESTROYED MY CHANCE

London Rioting

Not being in London during the riots, nor trusting of media reports about them, I can only image what they are like. I imagine they are like this.

Lessons In Language And Communications And Talking To People

Hello. We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to bring you these lessons in how to communicate with people in foreign lands that are not America. The following is a series of common Italian phrases that are useful if you go to Italy or other places where the Italian language is prevalent, such as Italy.

Hello.

Ciao.

How are you?

Come stai?

I am well, thank you for asking.

Sto bene, vi ringrazio per avermelo chiesto.

Excuse me, can I have some beer, please?

Mi scusi, posso avere qualche birra, per favore?

Do you have any locally brewed varieties of beer?

Avete qualche varietà di birra prodotta a livello locale?

My, that is large glass.

Il mio, che è il vetro di grandi dimensioni.

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Would you, perchance, know where I could pick up a prostitute?

Volete, forse, sapere dove potrei prendere una prostituta?

No, I was not saying your sister is a prostitute.

No, non stavo dicendo a tua sorella è una prostituta.

Boy, that is a shiny knife you have.

Ragazzo, che è un coltello lucido che avete.

Ouch!

Ohi!

No, that is not tomato sauce.

No, non è salsa di pomodoro.

Ouch!

Ohi!

Would you mind not stabbing me again?

Ti dispiacerebbe non mi accoltellamento di nuovo?

Ouch!

Ohi!

Yes, I would like to go to the hospital.

Sì, vorrei andare in ospedale.

What do you mean I have to settle my bill first?

Cosa vuol dire che devo saldare il conto prima?

Why is it suddenly getting dark?

Perché è improvvisamente buio?

Oh no.

Ah no.

Thud.

Tonfo.

Join us for our next Lessons In Language And Communications And Talking To People when we will be featuring Japanese. Here is a sample:

Look, vending machines!

Jidō hanbai-ki, mite!

Ew, vending machines.

EW, jidō hanbai-ki.

Red Review: Catherine

2011-09-12T09:44:00.004-06:00

Red Review: Catherine

We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to present our first ever dating show. Cleverly, we have chosen to call this show "The Dating Show". And now, The Dating Show.

It's time for The Dating Show, where viewers and audience members seek dating advice from our host, Warren Steed Jeffs. And now, the host of the show, Warren Jeffs.

Warren enters the set and stands to deliver a message to the audience.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my followers. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I am the Lord's only emissary on the Earth.

Warren takes a seat on one of the chairs on the set.

Warren Steed Jeffs- My first guest is Vincent. Vincent Brooks is a 32 year old office worker. He joins us from his home via Skype.

Vincent appears on a video screen opposite Warren.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my son.
Vincent Brooks- Hi.
Warren Steed Jeffs- What troubles you, my son.
Vincent Brooks- I'm having trouble with my girlfriend, Katherine. You see, my girlfriend has been dropping hints about wanting to get married.
Warren Steed Jeffs- That is understandable. The desire to become bound to another man in holy marriage is something deeply ingrained in God approved culture.
Vincent Brooks- Right, but there's another woman, also named Catherine.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Another Catherine. Intriguing. Go on.
Vincent Brooks- Anyway, I met Catherine, the younger one, in a bar over drinks.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Lemonade, I presume?
Vincent Brooks- Something I bit stronger than lemonade, Warren. Anyway, we started taking and getting closer to one another, and I'm waking up with her next to me in bed.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I've seen situations like this before. When one engages in the consumption of alcoholic beverages, the lose touch with the Holy Spirit. When one loses touch with the Holy Spirit, one can engage in many acts that the Lord has told us is impure and against his teachings.
Vincent Brooks- Well, now I have a problem.
Warren Steed Jeffs- As well you should, heathen.
Vincent Brooks- Now I'm stuck in a love triangle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Love triangle? What is that?
Vincent Brooks- It's where you are juggling two girls at the same time.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I see no problem. I personally am in a love heptagon.
Vincent Brooks- Well, neither of the girls know of one another.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Ah, that is a problem.
Vincent Brooks- Also, I've been having these weird dreams where I have to climb to the top of a very difficult block puzzle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Is this block puzzle any more difficult than evading the police while being one of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Criminals?
Vincent Brooks- No, but I'm concerned about the puzzle itself. I'm concerned that if I don't reach the top of the puzzle, or die along the way, I'm concerned that I'll die in the dream, and thereby die in real life.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Such concerns are rife among the heathens.
Vincent Brooks- Now I don't know what to do. I need some help.

Warren thinks for a moment, folds his hands in front of his face, then begins to speak.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Vincent, my son, let me ask you this question.
Vincent Brooks- What is it?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on how they should maintain themselves so that they can sexually please you?

There is a short pause as this question is very odd to Vincent.

Vincent Brooks- Excuse me?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on-
Vincent Brooks- No, I heard you, I just don't quite understand what you mean.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Let me explain. Even among the heathen class that Vincent and his girlfriends belong to, sexual gratification is integral to any relationship. Such gratification is the obligation of the woman. If the woman or women does not sexually gratify her husband, how is the relationship supposed to endure? However, it is not only the woman or women who must play a role in the maintenance of gratification, the man must also play a role. Men must teach his woman or women how to please him in a sexual context, that way sexual gratification can be constantly maintained. The man must teach his woman or women how to groom themselves. How, where, and how often to shave body hair, in particular which patterns the man wishes to see in the body hair of his woman for women. Also, what kinds of clothes the woman or women should wear under the spiritual attire that women are prescribed to wear in public. There are many other aspects of of a woman or women's life that a man, as her spiritual companion and overlord, must impress upon her. Do you understand now, Vincent.

Vincent is visibly disgusted by what Warren has just said.

Vincent Brooks- You are a sick man, Warren.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Please, call me prophet.
Vincent Brooks- What you have just said undermines the very independence that every woman should have.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Where in the Lord's teachings does it say that a woman should be independent?
Vincent Brooks- Would you argue otherwise?
Warren Steed Jeffs- I do not, the Lord does. And as the Lord's one and only emissary on Earth, I know what teachings the Lord wished to be known to the world.
Vincent Brooks- I think you are a sick pervert, who is obsessed with controlling women for the purposes of having unlimited sexual encounters with them.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Many heathens think that way about me and my collection of child brides.
Vincent Brooks- What- child brides? God, why did I come on this show.

The video feed abruptly cuts off.

Warren Steed Jeffs- It appears that the video feed from Vincent has been cut off. Just as well, this heathen was beginning to infect the audience with his satanic message. Well, that's all for the show today. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator for the world, reminding you that the one thing you never do is stop praying and obeying. You never stop keeping sweet. See you next time on The Dating Show.

The lights begin to dim on the stage as Warren stands up from his chair as walks off stage.

END SCENE

Catherine: B+

Backward Learning With Skyler Banned

2011-09-04T20:14:00.004-06:00

Skyler

For many of us, there's a person that exists in our mind, and only our mind. This is a person who is the product of our deepest desires. This is a person, for many of us, who we may never meet and feel a loss for having never done so. I know who this person is in my mind. I see her everyday. I see her perfectly sculpted legs, her long luxurious hair, her breathtaking smile, I see her. Not only do I see her, I hear her. I hear her sweet golden voice, a voice that mesmerizes me like a Siren.

For many us, this person exists only in our minds, never in reality. Never in the reality of our cold, dark, infinitely depressing world. However, for some fortunate people, this person enters reality, our reality. For the fortunate, this person comes into our lives, and our lives are forever lifted because of it. Such is the case for me.

I went to a place I have gone to before. Usually when I come to this place, I stay there for a period of time and leave rather unsatisfied. This was not to be one of those times. I went to this place and did not spend long there, for I did not have to. Mere minutes after entering this place, I ran straight into a person. The person. The person that only exists in my mind.

We talked for a little bit. Actually, she first engaged in conversation with me. There are no words to describe how much of an impact that had with me. We talked about work, where I crafted a bit on a non-truth about my actual employment, music, where I feigned interest in Chris Cornell, and dress, namely her stunning, stunning top.

Then she said something. Words. The words. The words that forever altered the relationship between myself and the woman who personified my deepest desires.

"So, lapdances are $20, that is for one song, but you can pay for more. There's also the private room. That lasts for a half hour and costs $145. Are you interested?"

Do We Never Learn?

Last year I read a book by David Cullen entitled "Columbine". This book has been described by many as the most definitive report on the Columbine Massacre that has been compiled. As the events that happened in Columbine, Colorado serve as the event with the most impact on my life and my country before I graduated High School, I read this book wanting to learn.

In "Columbine", Mr. Cullen gives a detailed account of the misinformation that was spread around in the days, weeks, and years after the Columbine Massacre. Mr. Cullen talks of news commentators, politicians, musicians, clergy, and ordinary people and what those people learned, said, and did. Mr. Cullen also details how that misinformation affected and still effects the reactions to that massacre.

As I am seeing coverage from the various news outlets that I get my information from, I'm seeing a similar thing happening in relation to the events in Norway on Sunday. Do we never learn?

Backward Outrage

One night I was driving home and I saw something that disturbed me. I pulled up to a light, at the time time someone else pulled into the light in the left turn lane. As I looked around while waiting for the light to change, which I usually do at lights because I am bored, I noticed that the guy in the left turn lane was rolling backward. This concerned me, as it would most people, for I thought that the guy driving the car might be having car trouble. However, the person driving the car didn't seem concerned. Then I realized what he was doing.

The intersection I was sitting at was one fitted with sensors to monitor traffic flow. If there is a lot of cars waiting at one direction of the intersection and not a lot waiting in the other direction of the intersection, the sensors will sense this situation and adjust the traffic lights accordingly. At this intersection there are sensors on the lights and under the asphalt at the intersection. If there are two or more cars at this intersection, or if there is a car on the part of the asphalt where the sensor is, the sensor will go off and adjust the light.

The guy in the left turn lane was rolling backward so that he would set off the sensor embedded in the asphalt in the intersection, ensuring that when the light changed he would get a protected left turn signal. If this isn't illegal it should be.

I'm A Stupid Cat

Happy Birthday!!!... Where Are You

Julia Diana Bobbi walks into the offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America with a box in her hands. She sees Hunter Red's secretary Liz and starts talking to her.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good morning Liz.
Liz- Good morning Julia. What's that you got there?
Julia Diana Bobbi- It's a box.

Liz is not amused by this.

Liz- What is in the box?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, you know how Hunter's been down lately?
Liz- Hunter hasn't been down lately, that's how he normally is.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I thought I'd lift his spirits.
Liz- How?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Today's his birthday, right?
Liz- Yes.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Don't you think Hunter would like a piece of birthday cake on his birthday?
Liz- Assuming it's cheesecake, sure. There's just one problem.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What's that?
Liz- Hunter isn't here today.
Julia Diana Bobbi- He's not?
Liz- No.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Where is he?

This is when Rodger Red pokes his head out of his office and into the general office area.

Rodger Red- He's in Vegas.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What?
Rodger Red- Hunter is in Las Vegas. He goes down every year on his birthday to get blackout drunk and have random sluts grind on junk.

Julia is puzzled by this.

Julia Diana Bobbi- But he can do that here, why did Hunter go to Vegas to have that done?
Liz- He can't bet on the Red Sox here.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh, I see.

There is a short pause.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, what am I going to do with this cake?
Rodger Red- Might I suggest eating it?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Sure, we could do that, but wouldn't Hunter be offended that we didn't make a big deal of his birthday.
Liz- He'd probably prefer we not acknowledge that he's getting older.
Rodger Red- Besides, if he's anything like his father and if Hunter is back drinking again, he'll probably be unable to remember anything that goes on.
Julia Diana Bobbi- So, what are we going to do about it?

Liz and Rodger look befuddled.

Liz- Do? Honey, we can't do anything to help him.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Don't tell me you two have given up on him?
Rodger Red- Julia, your optimism is cute but your naivety is annoying.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Is it so wrong to think that anyone can be redeemed?
Rodger Red- Yes. Some people can't be helped untill they decide to help themselves.
Julia Diana Bobbi- But, can't there be people along the way showing those people the way, showing them that there are people who, at the very least, care?
Liz- Julia, why don't you just go back to work. I'm sure there's another episode of The Red Question that needs to be planned.

Julia, with evident hesitation, takes the cake box and goes into her office and closes the door. Once inside, she sits in her office chair, faces the window, and begins speaking.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I don't understand them sometimes. I don't. The world is not as negative as they make it out to be. Hunter can be redeemed, there just has to be effort. It can't be one sided, others have to be willing to help. I know I am. (Heavy sigh) I wonder where Hunter is now.

END SCENE

List Of Banned Words

In the interest of keeping everything clean, the following words have been banned for use in the comments section of any blog composed by any employee of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

AARDVARK AARDWOLF AARON ABA ABA ABA ABACUS ABALONE ABARKA ABATEMENT WORKER ABAYA ABBESS ABBEY ABBOT ABDOMEN ABETTOR ABIABA ABI ABODE A-BOMB SHELTER ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN ABOMINATION ABOYNE SKIRT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ABSCISSIN ABSCONDER ABSOLUTIST ABTEN ABUTMENT ABYSS ABYSSINIA ABYSSINIAN CA ABYSSINIAN PI AC ACACIA ACACIA SEED ACACIA TREE ACADEMIC ACADEMICAL DRESS ACADEMICALS ACADEMIC CAP ACADEMIC DRESS ACADEMIC GOWN ACADEMIC REGALIA ACADEMY ACAI ACAI BERRY ACAI PALM ACAPNOTIC ACARICID AC CABLE ACCENSOR ACCENTOR ACCENT PILLOW
ACCESS CHAMBER ACCESSORY ACCOMMODATION ACCOMPLICE ACCORDION ACCORDION BUS ACCOUNTANT ACCUSER ACE ACEDIAST ACEPHALIST ACEPROMAZINE ACEROLA ACERSECOMIC ACETABULU ACETALDEHYDE ACETAMIDE ACETAMINOPHEN ACETIC ANHYDRIDE ACETOMETER ACETONE ACETONE PEROXIDE ACETYLENE ACHAR ACHEE ACHELOUSAURUS ACHENE ACHERI ACHILLES TENDON ACHOCHA ACHOKCHA ACHOR ACHRONITE ACICULA ACID ACID DESCALE ACIPENSE ACKEE ACOG SCOPE ACOLYTE ACONITE ACONITUM ACORN ACORN JELLY ACORN SQUASH ACORN TREE ACOUMETER ACOUSTIC BASS GUITAR ACOUSTIC GUITAR ACRAEIN ACREAGE ACROBAT ACROCANTHOSAURUS ACROGEN ACROLEIN ACROLITH ACRONY ACROPODIUM ACROPOLIS ACROSPIRE ACRYLAMIDE ACRYLIC ACRYLONITRILE ACTAEA ACTAME ACTINIDE ACTINIUM ACTINOGRAPH ACTINOMETE ACTION FIGURE ACTIVIST ACTOR ACTRESS ACTUARY ACUPUNCTURIST ADAM ADAM ADAMANTIUM ADAM'S APPLE ADAPTER ADDER ADDRESS BOOK ADEMONIST ADENOMA ADEQUAN ADESPOTON ADHERENT ADHESIVE ADIABOLIST ADIT ADJUNCT ADJUTAN ADJUVANT ADMINICLE ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT

More words to be revealed over the next weeks and months.

The Reunion: Part 5

2011-08-28T14:08:00.002-06:00

Part 5

The turkey bacon club that I ordered came about halfway through Jed's story. Usually, I just dive right into sandwiches like this because I adore the combination of flightless birds and flightless gargantuan mammals. I didn't do that this time. I was listening intently to every word that Jed said. Not because it was seducing me, but because it made me nervous. When Jed finished his story, he looked at me as if he wanted my approval. All I could say was, "Okay." That's all I had. It would have been totally romantic if I would have had a totally positive and life affirming reaction to this story, but I didn't. The only thing going through my mind at that moment was memories of Starlin.

What I told Jed of my relationship with Starlin wasn't the complete story. I did meet Starlin while I was going to UCONN. He was a philosophy major and I was a photography major who had a thing for philosophy majors. We dated for a long time, then we got married, because we can do that in Connecticut, in front of family, some friends from college, and the 4563 people watching on UStream. Not everybody approved of this union. In fact, Starlin's grandparents were told that their sweet grandson was marrying his longtime girlfriend that he had accidentally knocked up. There was no mass of cells growing inside of me, but there was a mass growing inside Starlin.

We went off for a honeymoon/working vacation in Puerto Rico. In between dining out, getting drunk, and touring the Captain Morgan plant as a “business trip”, Starlin started complaining about a stomach bug. He and I joked about him picking up a parasite at the Captain Morgan plant, but the doctor we saw was not in a jovial mood. Starlin had cancer, a cancer that had started in his stomach and spread to his liver, lymph nodes, and brain. With as far along as the cancer had progressed, there were no effective treatment options. Starlin, the man who epitomized my grandest fantasies, was going to die.

His final words were, "Holland, I wish I could have spent more time with you. The thought of me putting you through this experience pains me more than the disease does. I love you." Then he closed his eyes and took his final breaths. 2:01 P.M., May 11th, 2011.

After that I didn't want to do anything. My bosses at The Ridgefield Press were a great source of support, but they couldn't give me what I truly wanted. What I wanted was Starlin. I wanted the pain of losing him to go away. Not for me to forget him, but for it not to hurt anymore. Then the invitation arrived in the mail. Somehow, the class historian had found me and invited me to my High School reunion. This seemed like a good opportunity to feel something good.

Then Jed told his story to me. No. Not again. Not this soon. Not with the wounds so fresh in my romantic soul. No. No. No.

The look on Jed's face prevented me from just running away, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't lay all the things I had recently gone through on Jed, but I also couldn't crush him. Giving someone an ounce of the pain I was going through at that time would have been just too cruel.

"Jed, I didn't know you felt that way about me. I wish I had."

"Well, I didn't know how to tell you Holland. When you left for College, I still didn't. I'm only getting my head around this now."

"Jed, I want to try. I really do. But, I can't just leave my job, my life in Ridgefield."

Jed got his rejected look on his face. "Oh. Okay."

"But we should keep in touch. Who knows. Maybe, over the course of several late night Skype conversations, you can convince me to come home."

I took Jed's hand, look deep into his eyes, and kissed him. The look on Jed's face was one of optimism, a face I don't remember seeing the whole time we were friends in school. I had let him down, softly. For now, I had prevented Jed from experiencing the romantic pain I was still trying to deal with myself.

Perhaps something can develop between Jed and I. The cards hold such funny things for us. Who was I to know that I would fall in love with a man like Starlin. It's not something that I'm going to pursue though. For now, I need to get back to my life. I need to start developing a new normal for myself.

THE END

The Reunion: Part 4

2011-08-21T19:17:00.003-06:00

Part 4

In the time before I came to realize the truth behind the delusion, I went to church. I went to Sunday Services, Sunday School, Youth Activities, and outdoor camping retreats to help strengthen the young people's connection to God and to each other and to God. One of the many Youth Activities I went to were Date Night. This was a specially designated night where young couples would be treated to good wholesome activities in order to ensure that the young people were engaging in good, healthy relationships and were not having mindless sex.

The Date Night activities were the activities I dreaded the most, because I could not participate in them. Throughout my Junior High School and High School experience, I did not go out on one date. Not one. No dates, no dances, no football games, no secret getaways to a secluded parking lot in order to discuss scripture, nothing. It wasn't untill College that I started dating, and those experiences were not good in even the most lurid of contexts.

The problem with not participating in the church sponsored Date Night was that all of the friends I had at the time went to the same church I did. In fact, most everyone at school went to the same church I did. And, despite clear direction from elder officials that doing to was destructive to the soul, gossip would spread fast of my non-participation. The rumors of why I did not participate in these Date Night activities were as speculative as they were wrong. None of the people spreading the rumors bothered to ask me if they were true or false or indifferent. Not only that, none of the people who even heard the rumors asked me about their validity. That is, untill these rumors got back to The Bishop.

The Bishop was, and still is, a nice guy. He is concerned about the wellbeing of the people in his Ward in a way that is genuine as substantive. Need help with the yard, call The Bishop. Need help hanging a TV, call The Bishop. Need someone to help you with the troubles you're having at work, call The Bishop. Need someone to help you pack up your house when you've just been foreclosed on, call The Bishop. However, I had never sought the help of The Bishop because I had never seen myself as in a time of need, but there were a lot of times The Bishop called me to help with someone who needed help. So, when The Bishop called me into his office, I thought that we were going to go to work helping someone in the neighborhood. That is not why he called me in.

The Bishop showed let me into his office and told me to take a seat. The Bishop then closed the door. This was unusual because The Bishop usually only closed his door either when he was not in his office or when he was having a serious discussion with someone. The Bishop started the discussion with an inviting tone in his voice.

"Josiah, I think there is something we need to discuss."

"Okay. What's up?" Yes, my real first name is Josiah. Let's not get hung up on that and move on.

"I overheard Ben and a couple of his friends talking." Ben is one of The Bishop's sons.

"You were snooping around?"

"No, I was doing yardwork while they were talking on the deck. The sounds seems to carry far back there."

At this point I was thinking to myself "Why do I need to know this?", so I just responded with a, "Hmm."

"They were talking about the Date Night activity coming up and who they were bringing to it. They talked about several of the people who were currently an item, then they talked about you, Josiah."

"Okay." I was not okay with the turn in this conversation.

"So you know Ben's friend James?"

"No."

"Well, James made a comment about you that the whole group found rather amusing."

"Okay, what was it?"

"James said that you'd probably be spending the night of our church sponsored Date Night cruising in parking lots for anonymous sex."

This shocked me. Not just because someone was saying that about me, but because I didn't know at the time that you could cruise certain parking lots for anonymous sex. My reaction was heated. "What!"

"Calm down, Josiah." I did calm down, at least I was intending to calm down long enough untill I saw Ben again. The Bishop continued. "Now, I know that you don't do those sorts of things, nor do I know why anyone would say that kind of thing about you. I thought and I prayed for a reason, and this morning one came to me."

"What is it?"

"Josiah, you've never participated in the Date Night activities, have you?"

"No, no I haven't."

"Why is that?"

"I've never had a date to take to these activities."

"Why is that?"

I didn't understand what The Bishop meant by that question. "I don't understand what you mean?"

"Why is it that you've never had a date to take to these activities?"
It felt like took me a long time to come up with an answer to that question. I knew that I had to come up with a deep response, not a comical one or something of shallow significance. As I pondered this question, the question grew larger in my mind. The question became this: Why is it that I've never had a date at all? Finally, I felt had to give some sort of response.

"I don't know. I guess I've never really thought of it before."

The Bishop looked disappointed but continued to press forward. "What do you mean?"

"I've never really thought of who I would want to date. What kind of person I find attractive. What kind of woman I want to make a future with. I've never really thought of that."

The disappointed look on The Bishop's face left him as, I believe, he got at least part of the answer he wanted. "Josiah, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself."

"How so?"

"I believe that you're thinking that the girl, the first girl you date, should be the woman you marry. While some couples have that kind of experience, most don't. There were several fine, upstanding women I dated in High School and College before I met my wife. Even then, we didn't have to relationship we have now. A loving relationship is something you have to built upon and cultivate every day. However, Josiah,"

"Yes."

"You can't begin to cultivate that relationship untill you get it started. So Josiah, I want you to make a goal for yourself."

"What is that?"

"Bring someone to the Date Night activity. Anyone. I want you to make an attempt to at least get something started. Is that okay, Josiah?"

I was still a little bit down from the big question The Bishop had asked me earlier, but his message was beginning to sink in. "Okay."

"Good. Now, go have a nice rest of the night."

I left The Bishop's office and began to walk home. However, instead of taking my usual route, I began to walk around the neighborhood, in order to give myself a chance to think. To think over what kind of person I wanted to cultivate a romantic relationship with. There were many things I thought about. Personality, age, religion, body type, hair style, voice, many many things, but all brought me no closer to a solution. Then, as I was walking, I stopped, thinking that walking was preventing me from thinking. I closed my eyes, trying to clear my head. It's rather hard for me to clear my head with tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I wiped the tears out of my eyes, then looked at the house I had stopped in front of. At that moment, I got the answer to my question. I knew the kind of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was standing in front of the house of Holland Wheatear.

END PART 4

The Reunion: Part 3

2011-08-14T13:57:00.002-06:00

Part 3

It's lunchtime at Televisionia and the lunch crowd has settled in. Jed Harbor, pictured above on the left, and Holland Wheatear, pictured above on the right, enter the diner and are shown a table outside in the clean Summer air. Most people would be uplifted by an environment such as this. However, Jed and Holland are not like most people. It's a quality that they both enjoy.

Holland Wheatear- Is it always this busy.
Jed Harbor- It tends to be. A nice day like this tends to bring out the yuppies who value ambience over quality. Luckily, this diner has both in droves.
Holland Wheatear- Huh. Is that why you come here?
Jed Harbor- Well, the food is quite good, and they deliver to my shop, which is a plus.
Holland Wheatear- Ah yes, delivery is a luxury for the lazy.
Jed Harbor- So, I looked up some of your work for The Ridgefield Press.
Holland Wheatear- How stalkerish of you.
Jed Harbor- I know. Anyway, I saw some of the pictures you've taken. I hope it's not strange for me to say this, but you seem to have a knack for capturing the family of murder victims in a way that is tragic but not exploitative.
Holland Wheatear- It's a gift. Also, I just shoot a shitload of photos and pick out the most useable ones later.
Jed Harbor- Really? What do you do with the excess photos?
Holland Wheatear- They sit on a hard drive that I've come to call "The Holding Place Of Misery".

There is a short pause in the conversation.

Holland Wheatear- So, what have you been up to. There's got to be someone in your life. Men who run book stores have a certain unknown allure to them.
Jed Harbor- They do? Anyway, I did have someone in my life. Her name is Robin, and up untill last year, I thought this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Holland is intrigued by this.
Holland Wheatear- Really? You have a picture of this Robin?
Jed Harbor- No. Unfortunately Robin was not real. She was a alcohol fueled delusion, one that I quite enjoyed but eventually had to deal with in a healthy manner.
Holland Wheatear- How did you do that?
Jed Harbor- I went to rehab, started going to AA meetings, and eventually got dried out.
Holland Wheatear- Well, it's good to see you healthy again.
Jed Harbor- Yeah. So, what personal drama did you endure in the ten years since High School?

Jed meant this to be playful but Holland reacts mournfully to this question.

Holland Wheatear- I got into a relationship with a journalist for the Boston Herald. Really, that's the only reason I stayed in Connecticut after graduation.
Jed Harbor- You went to UCONN, right?
Holland Wheatear- Right, that's where I met Starlin.
Jed Harbor- Starlin?
Holland Wheatear- Yes. That's his actual name.
Jed Harbor- Hey, I don't mean any ill will, it's just I've never come across a person named Starlin.
Holland Wheatear- Neither had I, which is what first intrigued me about him. Anyway, we dated for a while, moved in together, then we got married once our state finally wised up and started treating people like people. We had a civil ceremony in a large park with us, our friends, and the wedding planner next door.
Jed Harbor- That sounds romantic.
Holland Wheatear- Shut up.
Jed Harbor- No, I'm serious. It sounds more romantic than my story of falling for an alcohol fueled hallucination.
Holland Wheatear- True. Unfortunately, our relationship didn't last much longer after that.
Jed Harbor- Care if I ask why?
Holland Wheatear- I won't go into much detail. I'll just say, if I ever see Rosie again, I just might cut a bitch.

Holland makes this threat just as a waiter comes to take orders. After this, the two continue to talk.

Jed Harbor- So, why did you go to the reunion?
Holland Wheatear- Is it so unusual that I'd want to be around people?
Jed Harbor- No. Those people, yes. I mean, you barely wanted to be around those people when you were in the same school as them.
Holland Wheatear- I could say the same about you.
Jed Harbor- Yeah, but I didn't move across the country to get away from them.
Holland Wheatear- I didn't go to UCONN to get away from them. My parents couldn't pay for college, UCONN offered me a partial scholarship, so I went. It's not like I had a rich grandfather to bankroll my education.
Jed Harbor- The only reason Rodger paid for my college is so that I wouldn't end up a drunken failure like my dad. Now I'm just a formerly drunken semi-failure.
Holland Wheatear- Semi-failure? How so?
Jed Harbor- I have no idea how the store makes money. I sincerely think Rodger's just making up the numbers as he goes along.
Holland Wheatear- So, why did you go to the reunion. The way you interacted with Cambra and her husband, it was like you had some kind of personal grudge against them.
Jed Harbor- What about you? You did the same thing.
Holland Wheatear- Yeah, but we're talking about you. Why did you go to the reunion?
Jed takes a second to get his words right.
Jed Harbor- Initially I was against going to the reunion. Then I saw that you were going and...
Holland Wheatear- And?
Jed Harbor- I wanted to see if I could reconnect with you.

Holland seems perplexed by this.

Holland Wheatear- Why? Why would you endure that just to talk to me?
Jed Harbor- Let me explain.

END PART 3

The Reunion: Part 2

2011-08-06T10:50:00.002-06:00

Part 2

There are times when I dread doing things because I know it will be difficult. There are times I dread doing things because I know it will cost me a great deal. There are times I dread doing things because of irrational hangups. This was not one of those times. I dreaded going to my High School reunion because I could just sense that I was not going to enjoy this experience at all.

The reunion was held at the Little America hotel, which is a place I had never been to before. I've heard about this place from people. I've heard that people have quite enjoyed some of the things they've done here. However, I had never been there before that night. For that reason, I felt ill prepared for that environment. That is the reason why I dressed what I call "rebellious formal". Rebellious formal consists of a white dress shirt, no tie, black leather jacket, knee high black leather boots, and a kilt. Specifically a belted plaid, the significance of which probably went over the heads of my other classmates.

When I entered the grand ballroom at the Little America, I encountered a woman sitting at a card table filled with nametags. She greeted me warmly. "Hello."

There is something in me that always perceives women sitting at card tables with nametags in front of them as a threat. For this reason, I approached this woman hesitantly. "Hi."

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No."

"Are you a part of the class of Hunter High 2001?"

"Yes."

"Okay, what is your name?"

"Jed. Jed Harbor."

The woman's face light up upon hearing my name. "Jed! God, I didn't recognize you. Do you remember me?"

At times like this, you would prefer to say yes, that you do remember the person who seems to remember you. For this reason I responded with, "No."

"I'm Cambra. Don't you recognize me?"

I remembered the name but not the face, which is opposite from the way I usually remember people. I still can't tell you the name of the cashier at the overpriced coffee place down the road, despite the fact that I've seen him daily for almost a decade. "No, but I do remember you. How are things going?"

"Great. Are you here with somebody?"

"No, I'm not. Are you?"

"Yes. My husband is standing over by the bar talking with Anthony and Jeremy. You remember them, don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I'm sure they'd love to catch up. Here's your nametag." Cambra handed me a nametag that was just perfect to put on my nice shirt. I put this nametag on the sleeve of my leather jacket.

I made my way over to where Cambra has pointed when she told me Anthony and Jeremy were at the reunion. I remember Anthony and Jeremy, but not the person Cambra said was her husband. Even as I write this, I can't remember his name. So, for these purposes, I'm going to call him Husbandguy. Husbandguy had just told a funny joke when I walked into the group. I stood there listening to the conversation and occasionally nodding without actually adding to the conversation. After a while, Husbandguy left to rejoin his wife at the card table. This is when Anthony noticed that I was standing there.

"Hey, you're- um- I know this-" Anthony was trying to read my nametag, a task that was made considerably harder given where I placed it.

Finally, I stepped in to help. "Brent. Brent Allgood, Chief Executive Officer of Allgood Industries, where everything is always all good."

Jeremy actually did recognize me. "No, you're Jed."

This caused my identity to click in to Anthony. "Yes! Jed." Anthony then gave me a hearty one sided hug. One sided because I never have any idea how exactly to react when someone does this to me. "How are you doing, man."

I adjusted my leather jacket and said, "Good. I am good. You?"

"Great. Jeremy and I were just talking about doing a project together."

Jeremy jumped in to show off his expertise. "Yeah. We're thinking of developing a way to incorporate some of the photography that my company does into the television broadcasts that Anthony is involved in."

I was interested. "Hmm. Interesting. The only concern might be incorporating those photographs in a way that doesn't obstruct with the television broadcast."

Anthony was really jazzed about this project. So much so that my attempt to dump water on it didn't affect him at all. "Yeah, that might be a concern, but still, this should be a really cool thing to do."

I attempted to delicately make my exit from this conversation. "Well, I'm going to let you get back to your grand scheme."

Anthony said, "All right man." Then he gave me another hug, which I again didn't know how to react to. "See you around man."

Jeremy, thankfully, didn't hug me as I left. "Yeah, see ya."

I walked away from this conversation not knowing anything more about the people I was conversing with than I did at the start. This happens often with me, but I usually don't see it as a problem. I wandered over to one of the empty tables. Other people around me were laughing and talking and generally having a good time, while I was sitting alone checking my Twitter feed. I was just getting to UltimateGreenWarrior's daily rage filled tweet blast when someone came up and took a seat next to me.

"You know, if they really wanted to pump up this crowd, they'd start pumping in some KMFDM. Although that might offend people to the point where they'd leave, which wouldn't be bad." He had settled into the seat next to me and started cutting down our fellow classmates. It was like Holland and I had never parted.

I took our place in our old routine, slightly updated of course. "Yeah. Opeth or Rammstein might be more effective. I repulsed our Student Body Historian with Pussy off Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da the other day." Holland got a quick laugh out of that. Then we looked at each other. Holland looked like he hadn't changed much, dressed in a pair of Levi's, tight black t-shirt, and a hooded jacket. About the only substantive difference was the addition of a cigarette and better punk rock nail polish. "Hey Holland."

"Hey Jed. How ya been?"

"Can't complain. Working at the family store."

"That book store? You work in the old media that is slowly drying up and going away?"

"Yep. You?"

"The same. I do photography work for The Ridgefield Press."

"The Ridgefield Press? Never heard of them."

"I know. The only noteworthy thing that's happened to that newspaper is they were the front for a fake movie critic."

"Oh. That must be fun."

Holland's face light up in that limited way that his face used to light up. "It is. I get to take really gruesome pictures of the worst events of people's life, and get paid for it."

My face light up in that limited way that mine always does. "Huh. That must be cool to capture those moments then hope that never happens to you."

As if on cue to interrupt our conversation, Cambra and Husbandguy sat down at our table and attempted to interact with us. Cambra first tried to talk to Holland. "Isn't this just a blast."
Holland responded in the understated way I had loved to hear from him in high school. "Not really. I mean I haven't even triggered the C4 yet."

Husbandguy tried to talk to me. "Doesn't this place just bring back memories."

I responded in a way that may or may not have gone over Husbandguy's head. "No, Cobb failed to implant that memory before the dream collapsed."

Husbandguy didn't get it. "Don't you remember this place?"

I didn't get what Husbandguy was getting at. "No."

Cambra tried to jog our memories. "This was where our Senior Prom was held."

So that is where I heard good things about this place from. Cambra failed to jog Holland's memory, and he let her know why. "Really? I didn't go to that particular dance, or any for that matter. Tell me, what was it like?"

Cambra seemed perplexed by this. "You didn't go to the prom? Why not?"

Usually in situations like this, I come back with something that will totally offend the person who just asked me the uncomfortable question that I in no way want to deal with. "Hey, you two are a good upstanding Mormon couple, aren't you?"

Cambra and Husbandguy seemed delighted by this question. "Yes, we are."

I took this and ran with it. "So tell me, since you remember the Senior Prom so well, tell me, when the event wound down, and you two finally got some alone time, which brand of condoms did you use?"

Cambra and Husbandguy's look of delight was replaced with a slight look of disgust.

Husbandguy responded with a tinge of hostility. "Excuse me?"

Holland decided to try and make the pair sitting in front of us even more uncomfortable. "Please Jed, these are good upstanding Mormon people."

The look of delight returned. "Thank you."

Holland took this opportunity to hammer it home. "They probably spent more time trying to figure out a name for their now nearly ten year old kid."

This offended the formerly happy couple to the point that they left the table we were sitting at, which was our intention. As they were leaving, I decided to pour a little salt into the wound. "Great to see you. Let's friend each other on Facebook." Holland and I laughed a little at the hurt we had caused someone else.

Knowing how quickly word circulated through people in this digital age, I decided that right then was a perfect time to go. As I got up to go, Holland said to me, "Wait, you're not leaving me to deal with these people alone, are you?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sorry Holland, but I can't stand these people normally, yet alone in this situation. Also, this kilt is starting to get rather uncomfortable."

Holland got a little laugh out of this. "Is it that you don't have the legs for it, or you're not wearing underwear?"

"Yes and yes. How my ancestors put up with this is beyond me." At this point I could have just left, severing a reconnection before it got a chance to really start. Instead I did this: "Are you doing anything tomorrow?"

Holland seemed bewildered by this. "Not really. I'm catching the redeye back home, but that's not untill late tomorrow."

"Wanna get some lunch? There's a great place just down the street from my shop that is getting quite a bit of buzz."

Holland contemplated this for a moment, then said, "Okay. Should I just show up at the old store at about eleven?"

I nodded and said, "Eleven is good."

"Okay, see you then."

I turned and started walking away, through the group of former classmates, most of whom I had no idea who was and who in turn had no idea who I was. I'm okay with that. After all, I didn't go to my High School reunion to get to know people I could honestly give a rat's ass about. I went there to reconnect with my old friend, Holland. I think I accomplished that.

END PART 2

The Reunion: Part 1

2011-07-31T19:49:00.002-06:00

The Reunion

Cast-
Jed Harbor- 27 year old manager at Harbor Books And Etc.. Currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Holland Wheatear- 28 year old photographer for The Ridgefield Press. Currently resides in Ridgefield, Connecticut.
Matt Bowen- 28 year old former Hunter High School class Historian, organizer of the Hunter High School Class of 2001 Reunion, classmate of Jed and Holland.
Liz- Employee of Harbor Books
Cambra- Housewife, classmate of Jed and Holland.
Husbandguy- Married to Cambra
Anthony- Classmate of Jed and Holland.
Jeremy- Classmate of Jed and Holland.
The Bishop- Jed's former Bishop

Part 1

Jed Harbor, pictured above on the left, is sitting in his office working on advertising for his store, Harbor Books And Etc., located in Sugarhouse, UT, when his employee, Liz, yells at him from the front of the store.
Liz- Jed.
Jed Harbor- Yes?
Liz- There's a man here to see you. He says his name is Matt Bowen.
Jed Harbor- I don't recognize that name.
Liz- He says that he was your class historian the year you graduated from High School.
Jed Harbor- Okay. That may or may not be true, but I still don't know who that guy is.
Liz- What should I tell him?
Jed Harbor- Tell him I'm not here.

What Jed doesn't realize, or doesn't care about, is that his office door is open and Matt Bowen, pictured above on the right, is standing in a place where he can see and hear Jed talk to Liz.

Liz- Jed, he can see you.

Jed looks up and sees that the man who came to see him can see him.

Jed Harbor- Oh. Tell him I'm not here anyway.
Liz- I'll send him in.
Jed Harbor- What?

Matt Bowen enters Jed Harbor's office and extends him hand to him.

Matt Bowen- Hello Jed. It's great to see you again.

Jed looks at Matt's hand as if he's just extended a fish toward him.

Jed Harbor- Great. Now, who are you again?
Matt Bowen- I'm Matt Bowen.
Jed Harbor- That doesn't help me.
Matt Bowen- I graduated from the same class as you. I was the class historian.
Jed Harbor- That doesn't help me.
Matt Bowen- I took Advanced Physics with you. You helped me with my final project.
Jed Harbor- Are you going to say something that will help me remember who the fuck you are?
Matt Bowen- Would you mind not swearing in front of me, you friggin' scruffy hippy.
Jed Harbor- Oh, now I remember you. You were the only person who called me a hippy that is not somewhere between old and fucking old.
Matt Bowen- Yes.
Jed Harbor- Good. Now, get the fuck out of my office.
Matt Bowen- No, I need to talk to you about something.

Jed Harbor starts moving his computer mouse around.

Matt Bowen- Our ten year High School reunion is coming up, next Saturday in fact.

Jed Harbor clicks on something with his mouse.

Matt Bowen- And I was wonder if you would-

Just then, Jed's computer starts playing an abrasive East German Orchestral Death Metal song. Matt begins to try to talk over the music.

Matt Bowen- Would you mind-

Jed makes no effort to speak over the music.

Jed Harbor- What?
Matt Bowen- Would you turn that-
Jed Harbor- Up? Okay.

Jed turns his loud, abrasive, East German orchestral death metal music up louder. Matt tries to block his ears, which prompts Jed to turn the loud, abrasive, German orchestral death metal up even louder. After a couple of moments of the loud music being loud, Liz comes into Jed's office. She reaches toward the wall, pulls out the surge protector providing energy for Jed's computer, shows it to him, drops it, then leaves. Matt turns to Liz and says-

Matt Bowen- Thank you.
Jed Harbor- I really need to get a battery power supply for this thing.
Matt Bowen- Now, as I was saying-
Jed Harbor- You're still here?
Matt Bowen- Yes. I wanted to know, if you were-
Jed Harbor- If I was single? Yes, but not interested.
Matt Bowen- No. I wanted to know-
Jed Harbor- The meaning of life? It's a movie from the Monty Python crew that, while not as good as Holy Grail or Life of Brian, still is quite good.
Matt Bowen- No. Are you-
Jed Harbor- High?
Matt Bowen- -going to-
Jed Harbor- Hell?
Matt Bowen- -our high school reunion?

Jed is struck by this question. Matt perceived this as a positive.

Matt Bowen- Are you thinking it over?

Jed doesn't respond.

Matt Bowen- Is that a maybe?

Jed doesn't respond.

Matt Bowen- Is that a yes.

Jed Harbor finally responds.

Jed Harbor- Mark-
Matt Bowen- Matt.
Jed Harbor- Okay, Mark, my silence was not me thinking over whether I wanted to go to my high school reunion or not. My silence was me trying to come up with a new and inventive way of saying "Fuck No" to you. The best I can come up with is "Sexual Intercourse Negatory".

Matt takes this news negatively.

Matt Bowen- Ugh. Okay. Well, if you change your mind, here's an invitation.

Matt takes out an invitation and places it on Jed's desk.

Matt Bowen- If you change your mind-
Jed Harbor- Which I doubt.
Matt Bowen- -I'd love to see you there.
Jed Harbor- Which you wont.

Matt leaves Jed's office and makes his way out of Harbor Books And Etc.. Jed pulls out his Droid X and starts fiddling around with it. He pulls up the Facebook App, searches around for a while, and finds the Facebook page for the Hunter High School Class of 2001 Ten Year High School Reunion Page, which is the high school reunion Matt Bowen just talked to him about. Jed looks around the page for a bit, specifically at who is already said that they will attend the reunion.

Jed Harbor- Hmmm. Anthony's going, Devin's going, Cambra's going, Jeremy's going,-

Then Jed stops when he sees one of the names of the people who are going.

Jed Harbor- Holland? Holland Wheatear?

Jed clicks on his name and his Facebook page pops up.

Jed Harbor- Yeah, that's him, Holland. Hmmm.

Jed backs out to the reunion Facebook page. He then clicks on the RSVP button and confirms that he will be attending the reunion.

Jed Harbor- You know, it might be nice to see Holland again. I'd have to spend the night avoiding Matt, either that or come up with another way to say "Fuck No", but it might just be worth it.

END PART 1

Friends: The Best Eviscerators

2011-07-24T10:08:00.001-06:00

} When I Heard at the Close of the Day

By Walt Whitman

When I heard at the close of the day how my name had been receiv'd

with plaudits in the capitol, still it was not a happy night for

me that follow'd,

And else when I carous'd, or when my plans were accomplish'd, still

I was not happy,

But the day when I rose at dawn from the bed of perfect health,

refresh'd, singing, inhaling the ripe breath of autumn,

When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and disappear in the

morning light,

When I wander'd alone over the beach, and undressing bathed,

laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,

And when I thought how my dear friend my lover was on his way

coming, O then I was happy,

O then each breath tasted sweeter, and all that day my food

nourish'd me more, and the beautiful day pass'd well,

And the next came with equal joy, and with the next at evening came

my friend,

And that night while all was still I heard the waters roll slowly

continually up the shores,

I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands as directed to me

whispering to congratulate me,

For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in

the cool night,

In the stillness in the autumn moonbeams his face was inclined toward me,

And his arm lay lightly around my breast--and that night I was happy.

Friends: The Best Eviscerators

Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office looking at his computer. He's reading the comments are being made online to The Reunion, a series of blog posts that he just posted. Hunter is reading these comments to himself. No one knows why.

Hunter Red- "OMG. This is so funny." "This is so true and factual and real and, like, stuff." "First." "I have a reunion coming up. Maybe I should buy a kilt." "Non-Counterfeit Nike Products, CLICK HERE!!!" "Holland sounds so yummy! I just want to eat him up." "Jed is such a tragic character. Kudos to you for creating him." "Four Stars" "I just tweeted about this. AWESOME!"

Hunter Red sighs out of frustration and stares up at the ceiling of his office. When he does this, a sound is heard on Hunter's computer screen. It is a notification from Skype. Someone named "54r4|-|", pictured above, wants to talk to him. Hunter clicks on the notification to start the conversation.

54r4|-|: Hello Hunter.
Hunter Red: Hello.

Hunter's frustration is evident in his voice.

54r4|-|: What's wrong?
Hunter Red: I'm reading the comments to my latest blog post.
54r4|-|: Spammers?
Hunter Red: No. Well, not as much as normal, but that's not the problem.
54r4|-|: Flame war?
Hunter Red: No. If there was a flame war going on, I'd be having fun dicking around with these nerds.
54r4|-|: What is it then?

Hunter looks back down at his desk then looks at his computer screen.

Hunter Red: I don't know. I mean I like praise, I practically feed off it, but this just seems kind of hollow somehow.
54r4|-|: I have no idea what you mean.

Hunter groans, ends the Skype call, then gets up from his desk. Hunter Red is clearly frustrated. Hunter pulls out his phone, sends out a text, then leaves his office. Hunter goes down to Caloric, a small open air diner down the street from Hunter's office. Hunter is seated, orders a Heineken and a club sandwich. Hunter gets his beer and begins drinking it while he waits for his food. After finishing one beer, Hunter starts looking around at the nice scenery around the diner while he waits for another. He notices the breeze flowing through the trees, the leaves falling slowly toward Earth, and people outside enjoying the day. Then Hunter sees someone he recognizes.

Paul Jewetti, pictured above, an old, trusted friend of his. Hunter sees Paul and calls to him. Paul responds positively, goes over to the table Hunter's sitting at and takes a seat.

Paul Jewetti: Hey Hunter. Thanks for giving me a reason to get out of work.
Hunter Red: Does work suck?
Paul Jewetti: Is work ever good?
Hunter Red: Mine is, but I don't have to deal with people.
Paul Jewetti: Indeed. So, how are things?
Hunter Red: Things are good. You?
Paul Jewetti: Just splendid. Somebody got sick in the office, right on my desk. Just splendid.

The two continue talking and catching up like two old friends do. Then Hunter gets serious for a second.

Hunter Red: So, I wrote something a while back that I put up on my blog.
Paul Jewetti: The Reunion?
Hunter Red: Yes.
Paul Jewetti: I read it.
Hunter Red: You read all of it.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, all five parts of it. How much work did you put into it?
Hunter Red: I don't consider writing work.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, that's right.
Hunter Red: So, what did you think of it?

Paul hesitates for a moment. Hunter notices this hesitation.

Hunter Red: What?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was good?

More hesitation.

Hunter Red: Did you think it was bad?

Paul's face starts to turn sour.

Hunter Red: Well, tell me.

Paul takes a deep breath, then begins.

Paul Jewetti: First of all, Jed Harbor, the main character of The Reunion, is that you?
Hunter Red: What do you mean?
Paul Jewetti: Come on.
Hunter Red: Is it that obvious?
Paul Jewetti: Hunter, every character you write is a version of yourself. That, or an amplified version of someone who tormented you in school.
Hunter Red: Okay.
Paul Jewetti: Also, Holland Wheatear, what kind of a name is that?
Hunter Red: What do you-
Paul Jewetti: Don't ask me that again. Where did you pull that name "Wheatear" out of. Also, HOLLAND IS NOT A MAN'S NAME.
Hunter Red: Holland is the name of the man who sold me my cell phone. Wheatear is a kind of bird, just like how Hato, from Volume 11, is dove in Japanese, and Sparrow, from Exhibition At Alexandria, is a fucking sparrow.
Paul Jewetti: Oh, but still, the name is very weird.
Hunter Red: I named a guy "Harbor". How is that not weird?
Paul Jewetti: I'm asking the questions here. Third, are the people in The Reunion supposed to be gay or just nerds?
Hunter Red: You mean Jed and Holland?
Paul Jewetti: Yes, because I certainly don't mean Cambra and Husbandguy. By the way, Husbandguy? Really?
Hunter Red: What? It was funny.
Paul Jewetti: Yes, it was funny, but you can't make the name of your character a joke.
Hunter Red: He's a minor character, his name isn't really essential, and why not?
Paul Jewetti: We're getting away from the point. Jed and Holland, gay or nerds?

Hunter thinks for a moment.

Hunter Red: They are nerds who happen to be gay. Besides, I'm trying to portray characters as they actually are, let people actually be, one of the things that Judith Butler tries to get people to do.
Paul Jewetti: Don't drop names like you actually know what the fuck they are talking about.

Hunter is visibly jarred by this criticism.

Hunter Red: Okay. Anyway, the point of The Reunion isn't that these charters are gay, it's that these characters are trying to reconnect. One just does it on a level the other wasn't expecting.

Paul has this disbelieving look on his face.

Paul Jewetti: Bullshit. I think you are just venting about things that are going on, or have gone on, in your life. You probably have a class reunion coming up, right?
Hunter Red: Yep.
Paul Jewetti: That you are anxious about going to, right?
Hunter Red: I'm not going to my high school reunion. I'm going to Vegas that weekend.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet you could go to your high school reunion if you gave a damn, right?
Hunter Red: Right.
Paul Jewetti: And that part where you have that chat with The Bishop about your romantic life, that actually happened, right?
Hunter Red: Not exactly in that way.
Paul Jewetti: But I bet it happened in some sort of way like that. Not only that, you are probably thinking about expanding that one, little section of The Reunion into another whole series of bits that you plan to put up the next time you go off to Vegas, right?
Hunter Red: I have a trip planned out next year to see Conan in LA. What you described is what I was planning on doing.
Paul Jewetti: I knew it! You are so damn predictable, Hunter. So god damn predictable.

Paul gets up and leaves. Hunter, with this mournful look in his eyes, watches him as he walks down the street untill he is out of sight. The waitress at Caloric brings Hunter another beer and his order. As Hunter starts to drink his second beer, he says to himself-

Hunter Red: Paul didn't even touch upon Jed seeking a romantic relationship with his old friend from high school, and the obvious connection between Holland and himself.

THE END

Rumor Mongering Trolls From French Guiana

2011-07-17T20:15:00.005-06:00

Are subterranean trolls responsible for the near collapse of the American banking system? More on this story after this.

Rumor Mongering

Recently, a number of outlandish rumors have been circulating about the PS4. These rumors range from release dates, control schemes, manufacturers, and possible specifications. However, a rumor floated on a recent episode of Orange Lounge Radio may be the most outlandish.

On the 419th episode of Orange Lounge Radio, a tweet from a high level media figure was read. This tweet stated that the Playstation 4 will incorporate "Body Movin' the hit song by the Beastie Boys." Further research on this rumor finds that this is entirely fake, and may be a misdirection done by a Sony employee to fool the public. That, or, it was the work of some jackass on the internet. Either way, the Beastie Boys/PS4 rumor has been found to be false. The rumor about the PS4 being a combination video game console/panini machine are still being researched.

Are subterranean trolls responsible for the near collapse of the American banking system?

No.

Experimentation

I'm going to be trying something this week. I will be experimenting with putting my blog post on Google+. I want to try this because there appears to be no limit on the amount of characters you can put into a Google+ update. There won't be any pictures or links, unless I learn how to do that, and if I don't like the way it looks it may be a one off. Again, I have a Google+ account. Jealous?

Are we at risk from a takeover by the country of French Guiana? More after this.

Are we at risk from a takeover by the country of French Guiana?
No.

Spaghetti With Thomas Sauce

2011-07-10T19:32:00.004-06:00

Spaghetti With Sellout Sauce

Hello, I am Hunter Red. Many years ago, my mother taught me how to make a fine plate of spaghetti with meat sauce. Several years after that, my father taught me how to make the same meal but take a hell of a lot longer to do so. It is from studious learning of both of these cooking styles that I have crafted my own recipe for making spaghetti with meat sauce. I will now share that recipe with you.

First, you will need meat. I prefer a ground turkey/hamburger mixture from the fine people at Paolantonio Farms. Paolantonio Farms, when you need a good meal for your family, you can't go wrong with something from Paolantonio Farms. Paolantonio Farms, meat.

You should brown the meat in a medium size sauce pan. For this demonstration, I'll be using one of the fine saucepans that you can find at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Bed, Bath, and Beyond, if you need something for your kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, family room, or something you saw on TV, you can't go wrong with Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Bed, Bath, and Beyond, stuff.

You should brown your meat in the saucepan over medium heat. To heat the pan, I will be using propane I purchased from TrueValue. TrueValue, you've tried false value, now try the truth. TrueValue, tools.

After the meat is cooked thoroughly, you should add tomato sauce. I use Hunt's brand Tomato sauce. Hunt's brand Tomato sauce, it's red because that the colour tomatoes are. Hunt's brand Tomato sauce, sauce.

As you stir in the can of tomato sauce, you can add, if you wish, a small can of diced mushrooms. I would recommend Hope brand diced mushrooms. Hope brand diced mushrooms, when you want mushrooms that don't get you high, choose Hope. Hope brand diced mushrooms, cans.

Before you add in the can of tomato sauce and the small can of mushrooms, you need to open both of those cans, preferably using a can opener. The only brand of can opener that has ever been in my kitchen is a Black & Decker brand electric can opener. Black & Decker, when you want quality home appliances and to ask "What is Decker", choose Black & Decker. Black & Decker, appliances.

In order to use my electric can opener, I need electricity to power it. Today, I will be using Huey Lewis brand electricity. Huey Lewis, you've heard of their power of love, now try their power of electricity. Huey Lewis, Sports.

After you've cooked your meat and added in the tomato sauce and diced mushrooms, you should let that simmer on low heat, but not too low as so the sauce cools down. Now that the sauce is complete, now is the time to prepare the water for the cooking of the noodles. There are many kinds of water that you can use for boiling water, but when I'm preparing something special, I use Aquafina. Aquafina, nothing is fina' than when it's Aquafina. Aquafina, water.

Put about four quarts of water in a large pot and place the pot on your stove. For this demonstration, I will be using an Amana brand stove. Amana, it's like Amanda but not. Amana, stoves.

Many people add salt to their water when they are boiling it so that it'll boil faster. I don't because I feel the salt affects the taste of the noodles. However, if I did use salt, I would use Morton brand salt. Morton, when you want salt and a small picture of a woman with a umbrella that you don't have to explain to your wife, use Morton. Morton, salt.

Once the water is up to a full boil, add in the noodles and stir them untill they are soft. No brand of noodles makes me feel better about myself than Manning brand spaghetti noodles. Manning brand, won't you help a pornstar stay off the pipe? Manning brand, noodles.

Once the noodles are fully cooked, the sauce should be ready. Drain and rise the noodles in a colander, then place the noodles on a plate. Afterward, place as much meat sauce as you think you can eat on the noodles, and then enjoy your meal at your dinner table. When choosing a dinner table for my home, I made the safe and frugal choice of buying Team 3D Tables. Team 3D, these are tables we didn't choose to drive people through, because we thought people would buy them. Team 3D, hardcore.

Well, there is my recipe for spaghetti with meat sauce. I hope all of you enjoy it with your family, or at least enjoy it with your Real Doll. By the way, promotional consideration for this recipe was provided by the following:

Lunch With Thomas

This week, I interviewed Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Before I conducted the interview, I took Justice Thomas out to lunch at Televisionia. What happened at this lunch was more interesting than anything that came out of the subsequent interview. Here it is.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Justice Thomas, a pleasure to talk to you sir.
Clarence Thomas- Yes. I hope that this meal isn't too filling, my wife has been on me about me figure.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How is Ginny, by the way.
Clarence Thomas- She is well. She's currently working with her political organization, organizing efforts for the upcoming elections.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I'd love to talk to her about what it's like to be a woman of influence in politics.
Clarence Thomas- I'm sure she'd enjoy that.

This is when we received our menus.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Huh. You know, I've never actually eaten here before. One of my co-workers just raves about this place, but I think that's because they deliver to the office and employ attractive brunette women to do so.
Clarence Thomas- I hear that.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What do you think looks good?

Justice Thomas took a moment to think over this question.

Clarence Thomas- Well, when searching for an interpretation for documents of any sort, you must first think of the intent of the person who wrote the document.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Excuse me?
Clarence Thomas- Intent, the intent of the writer of the document at the time that the document was written. What was the writer's approach, viewpoints, and mindset at the time of the writing.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How is that relevant to the reading of a menu?
Clarence Thomas- It is of paramount importance to any document, from the Constitution of the United States, to the menu for this restaurant here.
Julia Diana Bobbi- That's certainly an odd approach to things.
Clarence Thomas- Most people think that way, but any true scholar of any decent credibility must factor the intent of the writer into the analysis of any document.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Even a restaurant menu?
Clarence Thomas- Even a restaurant menu.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I wonder how I can get an answer to that question.
Clarence Thomas- Perhaps this fine maiden can assist us.

Justice Thomas is referring to the waitress that had just arrived at the table.

Waitress- Hi, are you two ready to order?
Clarence Thomas- Just a moment, young girl, I have a question for you.
Waitress- Yes?
Clarence Thomas- Who wrote this menu?
Waitress- The menu that you're holding.
Clarence Thomas- Yes, this menu.
Waitress- I did.
Clarence Thomas- You wrote this menu?
Waitress- Yes. Are you ready to order?
Clarence Thomas- Just a moment, young dear, can I ask you why you wrote this menu?
Waitress- Why I wrote this menu?
Clarence Thomas- Yes.
Waitress- My boss ordered me to.
Clarence Thomas- For what purpose?
Waitress (To Julia)- Is this guy for real?
Julia Diana Bobbi- He's a Supreme Court Justice. So yes, he is for real.
Waitress- Oh. Well, I suppose a menu lets the customers know what meals are available for customers to order.
Clarence Thomas- And what was in your mind as you wrote this menu?
Waitress- I think I was thinking that I need to finish this up before South Park starts.
Clarence Thomas- Now, what is South Park?
Waitress- Are you two going to order, or what?

The dinner went forward in a normal fashion after that. I got a Minestrone soup, while Justice Thomas got a Denver Omelet, for a reason that makes no sense to me. The interview followed shortly after that lunch, the printing of which will probably come once what Justice Thomas said in that interview becomes relevant to humans.

THE END

Dad's Phallic Deterrent And Book Recommendations

2011-07-03T19:11:00.005-06:00

For a while now I've been thinking of doing a blog post about the best graphic novels I've ever read. This is that blog post. Also included in this post, some fucked up comedy from The Whitest Kids U'Know. Enjoy!

Footnotes In Gaza is a 2009 release by Joe Sacco. There are very few histories of the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians that I've come across that are as in depth as this book is. Rarer is one told from the Palestinian's perspective. Joe Sacco takes interviews, government reports, vocal histories, and first hand account, and crafts a tale that truly changed my way of thinking about this conflict. The events that are detailed in this book are shocking. Not just that it happened, but also that the Israelis could do this to other people.
Link to Amazon

Blankets is a 2003 release by Craig Thompson. Blankets is one of those rare things that I like. It's not that it's a coming of age tale, nor that it's a love story peppered with occasional sex. Blankets is a graphic novel with a lot of religious aspects to it, and I still like it. Usually when I encounter religion in literature, I usually shy away because it either bashes religion or tries to convert me. Blankets does not do that. Blankets deals with religion as most people do. Religion is a part of the protagonist's life, and because of that it affects the way he approaches a burgeoning relationship. Blankets is sweet, romantic, funny, and touching in a deep way.
Link to Amazon

Logicomix: An Epic Search is a 2009 release Apostolos Doxiadis and Christos Papadimitriou. Character design and artwork are by Alecos Papadatos and color is by Annie Di Donna. Logicomix is a biography of the theoretical mathematician Bertram Russell. Wait! Don't go yet! This is actually interesting, which I know is shocking given the high amount of math contained in this book. Russell approaches math the same way that philosophers like Derrida, and Butler approach language. Russell attacks the very foundations of math in a way that is driven purely by logic. Russell even attacks the very elemental and basic concept of 1+1=2. Is it this approach to logic that causes Russell to give a speech about his views about World War I, which has allusions to the Iraq War.
Link to Amazon

Gay Mexican Reality Show Producers

2011-06-26T19:24:00.004-06:00

The Red Identity

There are times that I am really grateful to have access to Twitter and Facebook. Everyday that I log into these social media platforms I receive a reaffirmation of my identity. Everyday that I log into these social media platforms I know again that I am Hunter F. Red. There is a reason that I need this reaffirmation.

Ever since I got my new cellphone, the awesome Droid X which is awesome, I keep on getting these calls from people looking for a man named "Tyler". Over and over again, people will call me and ask for "Tyler". Old people, church going people, rednecks, people calling from jail, women who sound attractive, all sorts of people looking for "Tyler". At first I believed that these people were calling the wrong number, but despite the passing of time these calls persisted. It's gotten to the point where I now get more calls looking for "Tyler" than looking for "Hunter". There is a reason I put "Hunter" in quotation marks. Once I realized that people were looking more for "Tyler" than for "Hunter", I began to question things. What if these people are actually looking for me? What if these people are looking for me and asking for who they think I am? What if I actually am Tyler?

These pervasive and persistent question rack my brain day and night. I am beginning to question my very identity. I am beginning to question the very foundation of who I am. It's at times like this that I turn to Twitter and Facebook and other places where I established my identity, my identity as Hunter Red. I even look at more concrete places. I reach into my pocket, pull out my wallet, open it up, and look at my driver's license, and the name on it that read-

Wait. What? Are you- No. Who the- How come- Huh? Who is this Parker?

The Producer's Cookbook

Pierce Tapp is a thirty-eight year old white male. He has long had problems with the control exerted by the federal government, rising immigration rates, and more and more control being taken by people he deems as "impure". Pierce has long thought of taking action to rectify the problem he sees. Now he is doing it. Pierce is in his garage putting together the pieces of his long held dream.

"Okay, I've gone through the long exhaustive process of getting all of the right elements together in just the right amounts. Now, to put them together. First, I need fertilizer. I am not the first to use fertilizer in this fashion, but it seems to have worked out beautifully for people in the past. To act as an explosive agent, gasoline. Not too much gasoline, you don't want to drown out the mixture. Just enough to add the necessary spice. Providing the spark, this blasting cap. Finding blasting caps of a sufficient quality for this project was hard, but it will certainly be worth it. Now, for a container. I guess I'll have to go with this barrel I found out by the oil refinery. I'd like to use an old panel van, but people might be able to find out about the container, connect it to the people who produce it, then the whole thing will be shot to hell. Add in some ball bearing and sharp nails to add some really destructive elements to the mix. Well, there you have it. Once what I have expertly crafted is exposed to the public, the result will be spectacular."

Katrina Clemmons is a thirty-five year old female television executive. She has long watched the reality programming on other cable channels. She's seen shows like The Real World, The Bachelor, and I Love Money, and has seen the great success these shows have brought these networks. Now she wants to do it. Now she wants to create a reality show of her own. Katrina is in her office putting together the pieces of her long held dream.

"Okay, I've gone through the long exhaustive process of getting all of the right elements together in just the right amounts. Now, to put them together. First, I need some college students. I am not the first to use college students in this fashion, but it seems to have worked out beautifully for people in the past. To act as an explosive agent, different races. Not too much diversity, you wouldn't want to drown out the mixture of whites, blacks, latinos, and other combustable minorities. Providing the spark, gays. Finding gays of a sufficient flamboyant nature for this project was hard, but it will certainly be worth it. Now, for a place for these people to live. I guess I'll have to go with that loft we found off the 405. I'd like to use that complex in Queens, but people might be able to find out about the complex, connect it to the people who will be producing the show, then the whole thing will be shot to hell. Add in large amounts of alcohol to add some really destructive elements to the mix. Well, there you have it. Once what I have expertly crafted is exposed to the public, the result will be spectacular."

Rainbow Thoughts

On Friday night, the New York State Legislature voted to legalize gay marriage in New York state. Many are lauding this as a major breakthrough in gay rights. I, however, am skeptical. As much as I think gay marriage is a great thing and support it being the law of the land, the political junkie in me is raising red flags about this move. The political junkie in me believes that this is just a move done by politicians to give them more material to run on. By that I don't mean giving Democratic politicians more material to run on, I mean giving more material to Republicans. The New York State Legislature is controlled by Republicans, and they, just like every other politician in America, will be running for reelection. It is my honest belief that New York Republicans, as well as other Republicans, will be making gay marriage a central issue in their campaigns. Gay marriage will, once again, become the issue of importance in an election year where we elect a President. The Republicans will attempt to leverage the gay marriage issue to try and gain majorities in the House, Senate, and retake the Presidency. Mark my words.

Disappointing Downpouring Vibrator Chiefs

2011-06-19T19:41:00.004-06:00

Silent Hill+KoRn Thoughts

Buried among the news that came out during E3 was this story:

Silent Hill Downpour: now with three dimensions and one Korn song

According to this story, KoRn will be crafting a song for the upcoming game Silent Hill Downpour. This story has caused much consternation, particularly among people who think KoRn is way beyond it's prime and should just stop. I have a different perspective on this story.

KoRn is one of my favorite bands, depending on my mood the number one on my list. There are very few bands that I can listen to and enter a state of bliss that one usually only achieves with the use of drugs. KoRn is one of those bands for me. I will continue to defend KoRn untill the day I die. However, I don't think KoRn is a good fit for the Silent Hill series.

Silent Hill is one of those game series that can evoke the kind of chill in the gaming public that is usually only found in people who watch horror films. Silent Hill is more about what isn't there and what may be around the corner than shocking you with a monster jumping out in your face. Silent Hill is atmosphere in video game form. The music in Silent Hill adds to the atmosphere in these games. The music in the Silent Hill series is slow, creeping, and resonate. The work of Akira Yamaoka is held in high acclaim within the ardent fans of the Silent Hill franchise. Many have tried and failed to replicate the work of Akira Yamaoka. KoRn will be among them.

There was a time when KoRn could produce horror movie quality music. KoRn's 2002 album Untouchables is an example of that. Listen to this:

Those three songs are examples of KoRn's ability to make songs that are slow, creeping, and resonate. However, after the departure of guitarist Brian Welch, KoRn lost that ability. Listen to this:

KoRn tracks after the departure of Brian Welch just seem to lack a certain kind of atmosphere. It's not they're bad, they are just lacking somehow. It's that lacking quality that makes KoRn not the ideal choice for contributing music to the Silent Hill franchise.

There's also this:

Let's just all try and forget about that game.

How To Scam Someone Using Mad Lib Technology

I was browsing on Access Hollywood's news site last sunday and read on this make money at home job where anyone with a vibrator can bring home $5431+ a week! I really didn't believe it but still I had to give it a shot and I actually made $711.33 my second day. Ive already been paid by monkey butler its the greatest thing that's happened to me, honestly.

Heres the site: http://www.Treefuckers.com/

Everybody can do the Charleston so im informing all my sexual partners to join and make some cash your self and at the same time you should send this grappling hook to every one you know so that we can all eliminate the brown people. If I can do it, you can too. It's super horny. Do it now because they are writing about charging big ass batteries for new members as close as this Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday.

** NOTICE OF FACIAL WARTS **
This communication may contain teddy bears that is confidential, legally privileged or exempt from fully nude strip searches and is not intended for children beyond the intended recipient without the sender's credit card information. If you have received this email in a giant pile of ape shit or are not the intended dope fiend, please note that any dissemination or copying of this bullshit is strictly encouraged. Anyone who receives this communication in pet hair should immediately notify the H. Jon Benjamin, delete the anal fissures and destroy any giant shimmering dilldos. Thank you for your penis.

the metropolis of the whole kingdom below, upon the firm earth. him nervous. He begins to doubt himself. I try to cheer him up,

know at once that in my opinion there is not any functional prostate vibrators.

Duke Nukem Forever Thoughts

On June 14th, 2011, Duke Nukem Forever finally came out. Upon it's release, the game was met with a resounding "meh". Most of the reviews of Duke Nukem Forever are negative, which is something that doesn't shock me.

When the Guns N Roses album Chinese Democracy was finally released, it was met with a resounding "meh". This despite this album being kind of good.

When Gran Turismo 5 was finally released, it was met with a resounding "meh". This despite many racing game aficionados crediting the game as one of the best in it's genre.

Finally, when Stephen Ridge came out of the closet after long and fervent speculation about his sexuality, Stephen was met with a resounding "meh". This despite Stephen being not so fugly.

My point is this: No matter how good Duke Nukem Forever is, it was going to be met with "meh" because of how long people had been anticipating it. There was no way the game was going to match the anticipation, just like how Stephen was never going to be met with the same kind of attention among the gay community as he would had when he was twenty.

Red Review- Project L.A. Noire Journal

2011-06-12T21:46:00.011-06:00

Project L.A. Noire Journal

Wednesday, May 18th, 12:34 A.M.

I started playing LA Noire today. Well, yesterday, but what the fuck does it matter. Most people don't consider one day to cross over to the next untill something like 4AM, so getting really technical about this shit is really quite bitchy.

I'm four cases into LA Noire. The first four cases serve as a kind of tutorial, so they don't have to be interesting, but they really should be. I hope to see more character development coming up. I'd like to see if the detective I'm playing as has a wife or kids or a yappy little mutt that will set off my cynophobia. Also, is it a bad thing that I don't know this guy's name or is that a result of my general inability to remember people's names untill I've known them for a long time. I bet Niko Bellic would be pissed if I didn't know his name.

I plan to spend tomorrow trying to hack game saves on my 360. I won't use my primary HDD, I'll use the one I bought today. Or yesterday if you want to get bitchy. I'm going to attempt to hack the save file of MLB 2K10 so that my career mode character will have 1,000,000 experience points. If this works, I may be able to use the same technique to finally beat Final Fantasy XIII. Also, a guy named Hunter Red would finally excel in something nominally sports related.

Later.

Sunday, May 22nd, 11:52 P.M.

For a while now I've been claiming that I weigh one hundred eighty pounds. On my driver's license, 180. Work records, 180. Online chat rooms, 180. Secret underground sex dungeons, 180. So it was a shock to me when I weighed myself recently. I usually don't weigh myself, as I feel it can lead to succumbing to vanity, but it was there so I stepped on it. I now know that I weight two hundred pounds.

It's odd how a difference of twenty pounds affects the way that you perceive yourself. I used to think I was just your stereotypical pudgy nerd. Now, I feel fat and sort of ashamed about my body. I haven't even admitted publicly that I weigh two hundred pounds untill just now. So I decided to take action.

Today, I bought a bicycle. It is my intent to use my bicycle for exercise. Hopefully, over the next couple of months, I will be spending every free morning tooling around my neighborhood, hoping to leave little parts of myself behind with every drop of sweat. I don't have a set amount of weight I want to lose, I just want to be able to take this big hill by my house without having to take a break. That might take a while to accomplish but it will feel really good to be able to do so.

Oh, and I played some more L.A. Noire today. Maybe later on in the game I'll be able to run over people in my car without a little dialog box telling me not to popping up. Who knows, I might even unlock a machine gun.

Later.

Monday, May 23rd, 8:47 P.M.

There was a time in my life where I wore a hat everyday. Every single day. For about two years in high school and then for about five years thereafter, a baseball cap was a part of my regular attire.

For the two years in high school, I wore the same cap everyday, which, upon reflection, was a mistake. The dirt and sweat that Atlanta Braves cap accumulated made that thing give off an odor that repulsed people more than my freckles and glasses ever did. When I realized this, I didn't stop wearing hats. No, I wore multiple hats. Boston Red Sox, Ohio State Buckeyes, Rutgers football, Ukrainian Olympic Hockey, I wore any and every kind of baseball cap that was a shade of red. Well, except for the Cincinnati Reds, for they suck.

I now know the reason that I wore a hat everyday. It wasn't because I was an ardent fan of the Atlanta Braves, Boston Red Sox, Ohio State Buckeyes, Rutgers football, or Ukrainian Olympic Hockey. I wasn't an ardent fan of any sports, outside of women's college gymnastics. The reason I wore a hat everyday was because I had no idea what to do with my hair. My hair was a mystery to me, a mystery that I had not yet solved. Rather than putting my efforts to figuring out what to do with my hair, I covered it up, I hid it, I tried my best to make my hair go away, outside of actually making it to away. I still don't know what good things to do with my hair, I just wear it long so that I emulate The Undertaker.

I'm guessing that the men in L.A. Noire also have no idea what to do with their hair. All of the men in L.A. Noire wears hats. All of them. Most of the caps worn by these men are the kind of stylish fedoras that I can't seem to find in my size, despite the fact that I see people wearing them occasionally. The men in L.A. Noire must be really ashamed of their hair, which is understandable considering the hairstyles worn by the absurdly attractive women in this game. I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say that. God damn these women look marvelous.

Later.

Monday, May 24th, 1:25 P.M.

The sight of nudity tends to disturb some people. Their nudity, others nudity, the nudity of the Naked Cowboy, the sight of large amounts of uncovered flesh tends to make some people feel uneasy. The circumstances by which people view large amounts of naked flesh also tends to disturb people. When people see nudity in the gym, the strip club, or that bath house down the street you don't tell your wife about, people don't bat an eye. However, when people see a nude body at a crime scene, one can not help but have savage things go through your mind.

Such is the case with me while playing L.A. Noire. Many of the cases that Cole Phelps is sent to investigate involve a dead naked body, usually a woman's dead naked body. Viewing these bodies in this state seems to have an unnerving effect on me. It's odd to think of all the glamorous, well made ladies in this game, and then the way most of the women look at these crime scenes.

It surprises me that the usual suspects who complain about everything Rockstar Games puts out hasn't yet openly complained about this game. Remember the crap given to Rockstar over the full frontal nudity in The Lost and The Damned expansion pack to Grand Theft Auto IV? Or the lapdances that you can get in the regular edition of Grand Theft Auto IV? Why haven't these people jumped all over Rockstar Games for combining full frontal nudity AND naked women? My only guess if that they've moved on to something they feel is more important. Like if Barack Obama is a secret Kenyan muslim terrorist who's a sleeper agent for the KGB sent to sew the seeds of communism in the United States! That, or the recession has compelled them to get real jobs.

Later.

Sunday, May 29th, 12:04 P.M.

There's a point in L.A. Noire where one of the murderers taunts the police to catch him by leaving notes with clues in them throughout Los Angeles, leading investigators to various landmarks in the city. I understand that there are killers who are this arrogant and have taunted the police in this manner, but that doesn't make me enjoy situations like this any more. Just because something is realistic doesn't mean it's entertaining. For example:

Look at that picture of that dead animal. Is it realistic? Yes. Do you enjoy looking at it? No! Well, hopefully not.

Look at that picture of John F. Kennedy just after he was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Is it realistic? Yes. Do you enjoy looking at it? No. Especially not the colour versions of that photo that I've seen.

Finally, look at this picture. Look at it. Is it realistic? Well, it is a thing that exists in this world, but I hesitate to call it realistic. Do you enjoy looking at it? I would hope your answer is no. Wait, not no, HELL NO!

Later.

Tuesday, May 31st, 2:01 P.M.

Yesterday, Memorial Day, I spent the day going to a family reunion. Most people my age actively avoid family reunions and see no value in going to them. Even less people my age choose to go to family reunions, and travel to go to them. I do. Every year I ensure that I have no plans for Memorial Day so that I can go to my family reunion. The reason for this is simple. My family reunion takes place in a location that is, depending on traffic, about a two hour drive away from my home. Rather than dreading this drive, I look forward to it. This is because I grasp on any excuse to take a long drive. Whether it's seeking out the only Segway dealership in Utah, looking for the nearest Borders bookstore to me that is not closing, or finding a Quizno's in Weber County, I love driving long distances. That love of driving is why I go to my family reunion each and every year.

Driving is also one of the things I enjoy doing in video games. Now, by driving I don't mean racing. Racing is something I do not find pleasurable, for I suck at it. However, going from point to point in a car in a video game setting just strikes a cord with me. My favorite game for the original Playstation is The Italian Job, which is a game where you just drive from point to point in various kids of British automobiles. If a game came out where you played as a long-haul truck driver, I would not only buy that game, I would pre-order it. I liked the portions in Mass Effect where you drove around in that much maligned dune buggy because I WAS DRIVING AROUND IN A DUNE BUGGY WITH A CANNON ON IT!

Maybe soon I'll be able to explain just why I enjoy driving as much as I do. But, for now, here's a kitty.

Later.

Friday, June 6th, 1:58 P.M.

With my big head of red hair, it is very hard for me to not be noticed in public. I tend to stand out in a crowd, a classroom, or a workplace breakroom. This is by design. I did not grow my hair out like this to conform with any kind of style. I grew out my hair like this so that people will notice and remember me. They may not remember my name or anything about me, but they remember my hair and, by proxy, me. The result of this is that it is very hard for me to be in a place and remain incognito.

It is also very hard to remain incognito in L.A. Noire. There's a mission in this game where you have to trail a suspect, and while doing so you have to, at times, go incognito in order to prevent him from spotting you. The problem with that is knowing when to go incognito and when to remain incognito is very difficult. The game mechanic of going incognito is itself difficult to master. There were times in playing this particular part of the game where I just wanted to go up and punch the suspect in the face.

I hope this is the last time in this game where I have to trail a suspect on foot, because that is by far the most frustrating part of this game to me. More frustrating than the perpetually looping music that I've heard 47593275328 times, which I can't turn off because, if I do, I no longer know if I've picked up all of the clues that I can acquire. I wish that I could just turn on the music that I have on the iPod that I have plugged into my Xbox 360, and have that music be incorporated into the game. I think Cole Phelps solving a murder case to the music of Marilyn Manson might be funny.

Later.

Sunday, June 5th, 6:26 P.M.

So now we meet Cole's wife. We find he has two daughters. We do not see them, but we know they exist. We find that Cole does, in fact, have a wife and that Cole's references to them are not just a poorly supported lie. We meet Cole Phelps's family, but it's not under the best of circumstances. That German broad had better be worth it.

Later.

Sunday, June 5th, 11:07 P.M.

Hey! It looks like the German broad is worth it. Not in the way that I was meaning, but she does figure into the game in a critical way. Still, I'd like to see more action. Mot gunplay, car chases, or foot pursuits. I mean ACTION. Oh yeah!

Later.

Thursday, June 9th, 1:24 P.M.

One of my favorite movies last year was Black Swan. When I first heard of this movie, I didn't intend to see it, but I got a free pass and I went to go see it. Black Swan is fascinating to me, specifically because of the character development in this movie. The way that the character of Nina moves between the personality types of the white swan and the back swan. It is riveting to me the way that Nina steps closer to the black swan personality, is on the cusp of crossing over, retreats back into the white swan personality, then crosses over and embraces the black swan entirely. The deep rich personalities and the way those personalities change is what makes Black Swan such a great movie.

L.A. Noire has nothing close to the qualities that make me love Black Swan. Never in the course of this game do we delve into the person that Cole Phelps is. We never really get to know his family life, his past before the war, or anything about what he thinks about what is going on. Rockstar Games had such a great opportunity here, to introduce the gaming public to the kind of deep rich personality that is rarely seen in this media.

That's not to say L.A. Noire is bad, in fact it is a very good game. L.A. Noire just could have been better. It's rare to complain about shallow characters in games, but in this case it is warranted because this game is screaming for more as far as character development. Perhaps Rockstar can improve on this aspect in the next world that they create.

L.A. Noire: A-

Economic Theory Of Olden Times

2011-06-05T19:43:00.004-06:00

The Red Question- Dominique Strauss-Kahn

On an raised stage, two chairs it with two people sitting in them as the lights turn up revealing them.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question. I am your host Julia Diana Bobbi. Before I introduce the contestant, we have a word from our sponsor.

Exxon Mobile is proud to bring you the prize for the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question. Exxon Mobile, we have that much money. Exxon Mobile, gasoline, bitches!

Julia Diana Bobbi- Welcome back. Our contestant tonight on the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question is Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Mr. Strauss-Kahn is a french citizen currently in New York for a reason he does not wish to discuss. Doominque, it's great to have you here.
DSK- It's great to be hear. You have very attractive breasts.

Julia is creeped out by this comment.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay thanks. Are you ready to play the game?
DSK- You have very shapely legs.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'll take that as a yes. Dominique, I will give you three questions.
DSK- I'd like to give you something.

Julia starts rummaging around in her purse.

DSK- Do you have protection in there, because I'm not into that.

Julia pulls a canister of mace out of her purse.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Sir, if you don't stop making passes at me, I will use this mace on you.

Dominique looks at Julia and her mace spray in the way that gives off a kind of Bond villain vibe.

DSK- How did you know I was into that fetish?

Julia looks at Dominique sternly then puts her mace canister away, then attempts to press on.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, I'm going to give you three questions. If you answer all three of these questions correctly, you will win the 10.10 Billion Dollar prize. Do you have a plan for this money?
DSK- Can I buy your underwear?
Julia Diana Bobbi- You are a very gross person. Are you ready to play the game?
DSK- I am always ready.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Lets play the game.

An over blow light display is triggered, ending with Julia and Dominique still sitting on the same raised platform as before.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, what is Marginalism?
DSK- Marginalism refers to the use of marginal concepts in economic theory.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Correct. What is The Four Asian Tigers?
DSK- The Four Asian Tigers or Asian Dragons is a term used in reference to the highly developed economies of Hong Kong, Singapore, South Korea and Taiwan after 1970.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Correct. Only one question left before you win the big prize.
DSK- Which is you?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Dominique, what is no?

Dominique gets a strange look on his face.

DSK- Excuse me?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What is no?
DSK- No?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What is no?

Dominique thinks for a second, then says-

DSK- I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with that concept.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What?
DSK- I am not familiar with the concept of no.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Really?
DSK- Yes, can you tell me what no is?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I'm not going to do that. Perhaps you can learn the concept of no in jail.
DSK- I can teach you many things. For instance, do you know what a Savoie Handstand is?
Julia Diana Bobbi- I am going away now. If you follow me, there are very large people with very large guns who will stop you.
DSK- No one can stop me, for I am rich.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Rich people still get shot. Well, that's all for the 10.10 Billion Dollar Question, I am Julia Diana Bobbi. I'm going to leave now before this creepy French man get any closer to me. Goodnight.

The lights start to dim on the raised platform. As the do so, Julia gets out of her chair and sprints off stage. Dominique starts after her, but can't go very quickly as he is old.

END SCENE

Insensitive Drunken Joking

2011-05-29T20:35:00.007-06:00

Joking About The Joker And Joplin

On Sunday, May 22rd, a tornado touched down in the city of Joplin, Missouri. There was tremendous damage done to this community by this weather event, including the deaths of 116 people, as of this writing.

One of the places believed to be hit hard by this tornado was the St, John's Regional Medical Center, pictured above. However, investigators now believe that the tornado was not to blame for the destruction done to this medical center. Police are now looking for this man:

This man operates under several aliases, and his background varies depending on when you ask him and the circumstances he finds himself in. Police consider this man to be armed and dangerous. He is believed to not be carrying a gun, but can make deadly use of a knife, explosives, and a pencil. If you know the whereabouts of this man, contact your local police department.

Sony's Playstation E3 Press Conference Drinking Game

On Monday, June 6th, Sony will hold it's annual E3 Press Conference. Little is known or confirmed about this event, but Sony has informed attendees that the event will last five hours. Like many events, people have created drinking games to go along with Sony's Playstation E3 Press Conference. I am one of them. Here are the rules of my game.

First of all, five hours? You could get drunk, sober up, and get drunk again in that time. What could Sony have planned to do with this huge amount of time?

The drink of choice for this drinking game is Jack Daniels. Other forms of alcohol will suffice, but a real man drinks Jack. Also, if you play this drinking game with root beer, I will find you and I will hurt you.

Take a drink whenever any of the following games are mentioned:

Uncharted 3

Little Big Planet 2

Infamous 2

The Last Guardian

Resistance 3

Mass Effect 3.

Take a drink whenever the following words are spoken:
Apologize, Sorry, Regret, Mistakes, Failures, Consequences, and Amends

Take five drinks if the following paragraph or something resembling the following paragraph is said:
"We at Sony Computer Entertainment recognize that they way we handled the breach of personal information at the Playstation Network was wrong. While we were not responsible for what happened, the way we handled the situation was highly regrettable. We offer our most sincerest of apologies."

Finally, if anybody from Sony blames the hacker group Anonymous for ANYTHING, throw the bottle at the screen.

Play this game in good health or don't. Enjoy!

Grim And Disturbing Whirring Females

2011-05-22T19:58:00.004-06:00

Hunter Red Is Not Nice

Hunter Red is on a flight headed from Salt Lake International Airport to Las Vegas, NV. The flight has yet to take off and Hunter is in his seat listening to the new Lupe Fiasco album. An older woman, Charity Harvey, takes the seat next to Hunter. She is fidgeting with her jewelry, looking around sharply, and doing other things people to when they are nervous. Then she begins to speak.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. Oh god no. It's going to happen. I know it. It is.

Hunter is actively trying to ignore Charity as she continues.

Charity Harvey- I saw them. Those men with the beards and the- the- what do they call those things?

Hunter is still ignoring Charity but can hear her babbling.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. I knew I should have taken a bus. I can't take a train, thank you very much Amtrak, but I should have taken a bus. I just know. I just know.

Finally, Hunter stops ignoring Charity.

Hunter Red- What do you know?
Charity Harvey- Don't tell me you don't know.
Hunter Red- Know what?
Charity Harvey- Don't you have that seep feeling in your bosom.
Hunter Red- I don't have a bosom.
Charity Harvey- We're going down.

Hunter gets an odd look on his face.

Hunter Red- On eachother?
Charity Harvey- No. God, I knew this was the day. I knew this was the day those darn Muslims were going to get me.
Hunter Red- Wait, do you think terrorist are going to hijack this plane and drive it into something?
Charity Harvey- SHHHHH! They're going to hear you!

Hunter gets a devilish grim on his face.

Hunter Red- Miss, what is your name?
Charity Harvey- Charity.
Hunter Red- Charity, my name is Hunter.
Charity Harvey- Hi.
Hunter Red- Charity, I can assure you, this plane is not going to be hijacked.
Charity Harvey- Are you sure?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Charity Harvey- How can you say that?
Hunter Red- Charity, if any terrorist was going to use a plane from Salt Lake to commit a terrorist act, they wouldn't take off from the International Airport. They'd take off from Airport #2.

Charity is not comforted by Hunter saying this. The look on her face reflects that.

Hunter Red- Any good terrorist would get one of those Cessna aircrafts, construct a fertilizer bomb like the one Timothy McVey used in Oklahoma City, take off from Airport #2, and fly their plane bomb right over the Oquirrih Mountains, and right into the Tooele Army Depot. That way they not only can bomb a military instillation, but they can cause a massive release of the chemical and biological weapons that are stored there. That release would waft over the Oquirrih Mountains, right into the major population center that is the Salt Lake Valley.

Charity has turned bone white. When Hunter finishes his morbid tale, Charity reacts like this:

Charity Harvey- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charity launches into a full blown panic. She continues to scream and babble incoherently at a high volume of speech. The only way that Hunter reacts to this is to pull out the Skymall Catalogue, leaf through it, and say:

Hunter Red- Oh look, automated orange peelers. Neat.

END SCENE

The UAE Strikes Again

From a Facebook post on the website of major video game retailer Geekay Games, it is believed that the recently released Rockstar Games sensation L.A. Noire has been banned in the United Arab Emirates. No formal reaction has been given by Rockstar Games, but, through our contacts in the Saudi royal family, this publication has been able to get a statement on the ban from the UAE's National Media Council, the governmental agency responsible for the ban.

"The reason that this agency chose to ban Rockstar Games's L.A. Noire is the very same reason why we chose to ban Quantic Dreams's Heavy Rain last year(Link to blog post). L.A. Noire features women, depicted in ways that makes them appear to be very much human, with fully formed human brains and human intellects. This kind of flagrantly realistic depiction of the obviously weaker sex runs in conflict with our interpretations of the teaching of the Quran. This ban is not permanent. Rockstar Games does have the right to alter it's game in a way that conforms to our standards. That, or they can bribe me."

Inquiries to Rockstar Games for a statement for this article have gone unanswered as of press time.

Walking In A Network With Words

2011-05-15T20:09:00.003-06:00

This Is A Good Day

There's a flower box just outside of my apartment building that I always treasure walking by. I always enjoy the sweet smell and vibrant colour of plants in full bloom. Any kind of plant seems beautiful to me. Marigolds growing in the part, daffodils poking out of the sidewalk, even grass has a unique beauty to me. The world coming into life seems to invigorate me and make me feel even more full as a woman.

On nice morning, like the ones we've been having lately, I will choose to leave my car in it's drab oil stained holding place, and take a leisurely stroll to work, passing by all the best things this city has to offer. People pleasantly greeting the day, kids running along in packs to fun places of their own design, the sounds of a city just on the verge of waking up. Even the breeze blowing through the tall building has a special place in my heart. The feeling as the air passing against, into, and through me brings me into contact with my body in a way that is more spiritual than sexual. The blissful feeling that I have walking through this city is one I wish I could hold onto for the entire day. Sadly, that can not be.

As I get to work, I enter another drab oil stained holding place. This time the holding place is stained with the oil that is drizzled on salads people are deceived into thinking is healthy for them. It's not that I don't like salads, it's that anything that big that contains that much cheese, bacon, and toxins is surely not healthy for you. Sadly, the putrid smell that emanates from those salads seems to diffuse into the surrounding area. I swear, everything around the offices I work in seems dead. The grass is not naturally green, unless you count the natural dyes in paint as being from nature. The trees are nothing more than oddly cut lumber that does more to provide bike messengers a place to park than to positively add to the ambience of this place. Even the concrete, which is already dead, is made to feel even more dead. The way the sidewalk is cracked and crumbling prevents people from taking a walk without having to worry about tripping on it.

The people who work with me are somewhat better than the surrounding here. Well, most of them are. The security guy is a big teddy bear with a effervescent smile that greets anyone he encounters, whether or not he gets a smile in return. My boss, while still infected with the evil that comes with being a part of the corporate world, is a pleasant man to be around. He's more pleasant if he's holding a snifter of brandy. There is one guy who's mood seems to match the ambience here. He's the bright star, the young player, the one who this company's future is built upon. It's too bad that he carries negativity with him, like the Earth of the back of Atlas. It's also too bad that his negativity infects me nearly everyday. It always seems to happen when we ride the elevator together. I try to say something to the guy like,

"Isn't it a beautiful day?"

He always seems to reply with a grumble as he drinks his brown bubbly beverage.

"Doesn't everything seem so alive and new?"

Again, grumble into beverage.

"How can you not be enlightened by surroundings like this?"

It's usually at this point that the guy's response rises above a grumble.

"I know you have a generally optimistic outlook toward life, but I can't stand crap like that."

Ouch. That response, or ones like that, usually make me feel down for a second or two. This response, however, was different. You see, the guy I was talking to usually says shit. This time he said crap. This response showed progress in the outlook of my company's bright star. This is a good day.

GIVE ME BACK MY NETWORK!!!

Recently, speculation has been rampant as so how Sony will address the PlayStation Network outages at the upcoming Electronic Entertainment Expo. However, recently some credible information has come forth. In a conversation in a internet relay chat room, a user identified as J4y50|\|13731r has posted online the full text of a planned speech to be delivered by Sony's Executive Deputy President Kaz Hirai. Here is the speech:

The whole world now knows my network, PSN, was hacked for no discernible reason in April. This is a recent photograph of my network. PSN, if you're watching, we love you. And the large amount of American money sitting in front of me, well this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like all you stupid hackers want.

But this is as close as you hackers ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my network. Not one dime. Not one penny.

Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So, congratulations hackers. You've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket, except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So, wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time.

And to insure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page add in every major newspaper, television show, magazine, blog, internet forum, and IRC channel, every Sunday for as long as it takes. But -- and this is your last chance -- you return my network, alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck, you can simply disappear. Understand? You will never see this money. Not one dollar.

So, you hackers still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this earth will be.

Legalese To English

2011-05-08T19:20:00.004-06:00

Legalese To English

In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.

LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.

a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.

b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.

c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.

d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.

If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.

In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.

You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.

Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.

e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.

f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.

g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.

h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.

i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.

Televisionia

2011-05-01T18:50:00.002-06:00

Televisionia

Down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America is a diner. This diner serves good, healthy dinners and fine sandwiches for the lunch rush. This diner also offers delivery, which is how I usually gave this diner business while I was working on my writing. This diner is called Televisionia. Recently, the delivery service was temporarily suspended, meaning if I wanted to continue eating from this diner I had to go down to the diner and get the food myself. On Wednesday, I did this. I went down to the diner, ordered their signature "The Chicago Code" and took a seat as I waited for my order. As I waited, a middle aged man came up from the back part of the diner and talked to me.

"Hello," the man said to me.

"Hi," I replied.

"It's good to see you in here."

"Okay." I didn't know what to make of this conversation.

"I'm sorry if I'm weirding you out. It's just with the closure of one of the streets in front of my diner, the Peabody Strauss Netherway, business has been down a bit."

"So, you're the owner of this diner."

"Yes." The man then extended his hand to me. "I am Hulu Televisionia, and I own this place."

I shook Hulu's hand, and said, "Good to meet you. By the way, have the people working on the road told you when they'll be done?"

"No. The people working on the road, South Orange North Yolk didn't even tell me that they were going to be working on the road before the just started tearing it up."

"Really? That's fucked up."

"Yes. I wouldn't use that strong of language, but yes, it is. Anyway, I wanted to offer you this." Hulu then dug into the pocket on the front of his shirt and handed me a piece of paper. This paper was a coupon for a free meal from Televisionia.

"Ah thank you. But, why are you doing this? I mean it's not your fault that the road was torn up."

"Yes, but I want my customers to know that I appreciate their continued business. Also, this serves as a good PR boost for me, something South Orange North Yolk seems not to be interested in."

I put the coupon in my pocket and said, "Well, thanks. I'll have to use this the next time I come in."

"Great. Enjoy your meal." Hulu said this to me as me order was delivered to me. I stepped outside, intending to make my way back to my office, when I looked and saw something that caught my attention. Hulu saw that something had caught my attention. "You aren't thinking of using the coupon now, are you?"

"No, I just saw that." I pointed toward another road crew working on a road that serves as a alternate to the Peabody Strauss Netherway. "What is that?"

"Oh, that is the Liveway. It's a road that been rumored for a while, but the people making the road just recently got finished."

I was shocked by this. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Can people use this road as an alternative to get to your diner?"

"Yes." Hulu started smiling.

"So, will your delivery service be back up and running soon."

"Yes, on Friday in fact." Hulu was now smiling ear to ear.

"That's cool. You must be very happy."

"Yes, I am."

"By the way, who's doing that road work?"

"Microsoft."

I was shocked by this. "Really? They make roads?"

"Yes, Microsoft kind of does everything. They're like Walmart, except not the kind of evil that Walmart is."

"Hmmm. Well, I look forward to giving you more business." I walked away from Televisionia, with my order in hand, intending to go back to that diner again and again and again, thanks to the fine road work done by Microsoft.

THE END

Legal Sparkles!

2011-04-27T01:14:00.005-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Hunter Ortiz El Red Samaritano

On Saturday, April 23rd, 2011, I sent the following email to the address of Orange Lounge Radio, a podcast that airs live on the internet Sunday nights on allgames.com.

Dear Peoples,

Like you, I have been following the recent PSN outages since they started popping up on Wednesday night. When I first discovered these outages I was frustrated, raged out, and cursed so loud my neighbors thought I was killing someone. Not kidding.

Anyway, in the process of following this story, I found this story that I'm sure you covered earlier on in the show:
http://www.zdnet.com/blog/hardware/sonys-playstation-network-hit-by-external-intrusion/12483
Once I read this story I became considerable less angry as I can understand Sony taking actions like this in response to this threat, to a point. However, there is one part of story that really concerns me.
"In order to “verify the smooth and secure operation” of the services Sony pulled the plug on both services April 20th."
This sentence gives me the impression that this isn't a simple hacking job. Given Sony's recent movements in relation to piracy, I believe that may be the nature of Sony taking down PSN. I believe someone figured out how to pirate games distributed digitally via PSN. Please feel free to tell me if any of these conclusions are wrong.

Also, why do I have to go through PSN or Live to access Hulu Plus or Netflix? I mean when I want to watch Hulu on my laptop all I have to do is fire up my browser, go through my ISP, and get to what I want to watch. I don't have to go through my laptop manufacture's exclusive network to access things, so why do I have to do it on home consoles?

Stay Black
Redertainment

This message has been brought to you by the successor to Anonmyous, who is actually responsible for PSN being shut down and is totally unknown to the public. Nya nya! :P

Sent from my iPad :P

This email was read live on the air on the 410th episode of Orange Lounge Radio, available via podcast right now. On Monday, this story broke:

Rumor: 'Rebug' custom firmware enabled 'free' PSN downloads, forced Sony's network shutdown
by Randy Nelson on Apr 25th 2011 6:05PM

According to PSX-Scene former moderator, "chesh," the now six-day-long PlayStation Network outage is the result of a particularly exploitative custom firmware (CFW) modification for PS3. In a post on Reddit, chesh claims that a CFW known as "Codename: Rebug" had given its users the ability to log into PSN as if they were doing so from a developer console (or "debug unit").

As a result, chesh contends, this same exploit allowed its users to add funds from "dummy" credit card accounts into their PSN wallets, ostensibly giving them the ability to "unlock" (read: steal) certain PlayStation Store content. Joystiq's research into the purported exploit has turned up multiple tutorials detailing the process, which appears alarmingly easy to execute on consoles running the Rebug CFW.

The hack does not allow its users to access the credit card or other personal information of PSN users, chesh adds. Nevertheless, as we reported earlier today, Sony is working to rule out information theft as part of its investigation during the maintenance outage in which the company is also implementing new security measures.

Sony has not yet responded to our request for comment on this story.

This sequence of events confirms one thing: I am a psychic!!! When I see things in my mind, they motherfucking happen! Since I am a psychic, and the things that I see happen, I am prepared to make a bold pronouncement that all of you should take to heart like the words of a prophet.

This is a leaked picture of what is supposed to be Nintendo's next console.

This is a leaked picture of what is supposed to be the controller for Nintendo's next console. I, the newly christened Hunter Ortiz El Red Samaritano, am here to tell you the truth of what lies in the future. These pictures are not real. These pictures are red herrings meant to lead the online public in a false direction. The rumors about the new controller are false, laughably so. Ha ha ha ha.

When Nintendo announces their new console, sometime in mid-May, it will be more powerful than the PS3 but will utilize DVDs, not those expensive Blu-Rays that benefit one of Nintendo's direct rivals. The design of the controller for Nintendo's next console will resemble the Gamecube controller. However, in a move that will not be as successful as Nintendo wants it to be, the Nintendo 3DS will be able to be used as a controller for Nintendo's next console. This capability will mainly be used for first party titles and will last for only three years.

Finally, Nintendo's next console will come into the market at the price of $400, in order to compete directly with the PS3, which, due to the clusterfuck that is the PSN outages, will drop in popularity never to recover.

As far as a name...
...
...
I got nothing. Try Miss Cleo. She might know the name of Nintendo's next console, as well as when your next hookup will be. Sparkles!

So, Just To Be Clear...

According to this, Sony Computer Entertainment of America first identified that there was a security breach and that user data might have been compromised on April 19th. From personal experience, I know PSN was shut down on the night of April 20. Finally, Sony confirmed that this security breach had happened, after being completely tight lipped about why they shut down PSN, on April 26th, a full week after the security breach happened. So...
WHAT THE FUCK TOOK THEM SO LONG TO TELL US THAT OUR, OUR, PERSONAL INFORMATION HAD BEEN COMPROMISED?
Do we not have the right to know exactly what someone is doing with our personal information? Do we not have a obligation to ensure that our personal information is being protected by those that we trust it to? And, if that trust is broken, how can we trust those people with our personal information again?

In short, I do not trust Sony with my personal information. When PSN goes back up, I will be deleting my account, completely. Not merely taking my credit card off my account, or filling the account with junk info, I will have the account deleted. I find that any other Sony division has my personal information, I will move to have that information removed from their possession as well. Furthermore, if SCEA continues to possess my personal information, no matter what that personal information is, for any reason, I will pursue legal action to have my personal information removed from their possession. Don't think I'm serious? These are my lawyers:

This is Ed Brass.

Look him up and learn why you don't fuck with Ed Brass.