Most people go on vacations to relax, have some fun, and enjoying living life with their friends and their family. I don't take vacations. I take adventures. For the past couple of years I've sought out and conquered the tallest, most dangerous, hardest to climb mountains in the world. It doesn't matter to me how much it costs, or how much time it will take me, if I see or hear about an infamous mountain, I will seek to conquer it.
Such is the case with my latest goal: Scaling Scott's Mountain 3. Scott's Mountain 3 has been deemed by Crazy Climber Magazine, "The most technically difficult mountain to climb in the southern hemisphere." In the forty years since the Dolorian government opened Scott's Mountain 3 to tourists, nineteen people have died trying to scale this mountain, including three people named Scott.
Once I caught wind of this natural taunt to the sport of climbing, I knew I what I had to do. I had to show this affront from God just who the real man was and flip this thing off as I was doing so. So I began training. I boned up on my fingertip climbing technique, my high altitude endurance, and my ability to turn snow into clean water that I can make ramen noodles out of in preparation for my feat.
Finally, the day came. The day when I would begin my planned eight day ascent, not only of the mountain, but also into the parthenon where the greatest men who ever existed dwells. I would conquer this mountain with only my pack, my iPod, and my handy guide Apa Sherpa by my side. The first couple of days on the mountain were relatively easy. There were very few real challenges, aside from some turtles and some persistant bumble bees. The challenge began to pick up on the fourth day. Nothing that I, as a supremely skilled climber, couldn't handle, but I could see that Apa was beginning to struggle. This is when I decided to give Apa a rest. By that I mean I forced him to drink several dozen Red Bulls.
The fifth day brought the first real challenge that I sincerely thought I could not handle. That is when I remembered something my father told me. He said, "No challenge is too big, unless you are a giant pussy." With those words I soldered on.
The sixth day was easy compared to the two days before that, however this day seemed really arduous to me. Perhaps it was because that was the first day Apa and I were forced to scavenge for food. Perhaps it was because that was the first day that I had to resort to drinking purified urine. I believe the reason that the sixth day was to difficult was that the day before Apa had broken his foot, but I insisted that he continue on in my conquest. I remember the inspirational words that drove him and I forward. "Look, Apa, just because I broke your foot last night while I was drunk is not a reason to turn back! Now, stick that bone back inside your body, and mush!"
The seventh day was kind of easy, although I don't really remember it. This is mostly due to the mushrooms I found that day. How am I supposed to know what mushrooms are for eating and which mushrooms are for getting high? That what I have Apa for, and he told me, "Sure, eat those mushrooms. There's no way those mushrooms can get you high, honest."
At the end of the eighth day, the summit was in sight. For the first time in several days, I was happy for a reason that was not connected to being in an intoxicated state. Slowly we reached the summit. Inch by inch, yard by yard, foot by broken foot, untill finally I reached the top. Apa reached the top as well, but who gives a fuck about him, I had reached the summit.
Whenever I reach the summit of a mountain, I close my eyes, to mentally prepare myself for looking back at the subject of my conquest. I take in all the sounds, smells, and feelings that I can experience before I see the beauty and majesty that I have just made my bitch. I followed the same routine upon reaching the summit of Scott's Mountain 3. After drinking in the subject of my conquest, opened my eyes and spun around on the summit. As I did so, I saw something that truly amazed me. I saw something that I had never seen before in all of my years of mountain climbing. Wanting to know more about this sight, I made an inquiry to my guide, Apa.
"Apa."
He didn't respond at first.
"Apa."
Again, no response. This is when I aroused Apa attention the only way I knew how, by hitting him.
"Apa!"
"What?"
Apa was noticeably annoyed. His indigence will later be reflected in his reduced salary.
"Apa, what the hell is that?"
I gestured toward the amazing sight with the hand I had used to strike Apa.
"What do you mean, Sir?"
"What do I mean? What the fuck do you think I mean?"
"Can we go down now? I think my foot is getting infected."
"I thought this was the summit."
"It is the summit."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Then what the hell is that!"
I walked over in the direction of the amazing sight, thinking that Apa was unsure as to what I was referring to. Apa gave me this look like he didn't understand what I meant. I responded to this by picking up a piece of the amazing sight and throwing it at Apa's face.
"Sir, please don't throw dirt in my face again."
"What did I just throw at you?"
"Dirt, sir."
"Dirt from what?"
"Dirt from the mountain."
"What part of the mountain did I get the dirt from?"
"The part of the mountain that's connected to the ground?"
I didn't take Apa's attempt at comedy well.
"Apa, I took the dirt that I just threw at you from a part of the mountain that rises above where you told me the summit is."
"Yes."
The matter of fact way Apa said this aggravated me.
"What the fuck!"
"Sir, language."
"We've been working eight days to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3, now we're on it, and now I find out we have more mountain to climb to get to the summit."
"You're on the summit."
I was not pleased with Apa's response, so I threw more of the mountain at him.
"What the fuck don't you understand about I'm not at the top of the mountain."
"Right, you're on the summit."
"The summit is on top of the mountain!"
"Not necessarily. The summit of the mountain can be any place on the mountain, although it is most commonly at the top. Summits of mountains can be placed at the point that is hardest to get to, not commonly reached, or is the most beautiful."
Standing there listening to Apa give this thorough explanation of the definition of "summit" made me all the more want to throw something at him.
"Apa, I want to reach the top of this mountain."
"Why, sir?"
"Don't ask me why, there is no good reason why I climb mountains."
That's not exactly true, but admitting to the true reason why I climb mountains would lead to me admitting to things that might arouse police attention.
"Apa, how much longer do we have to climb to get to the top of Scott's Mountain 3?"
"Eight days."
"So we're only half-way up the mountain?"
"Yes."
"Why is the summit placed half-way up the mountain?"
"I asked that of one of the villagers at the bottom of the mountain. He told me that the summit is placed where it is because it is a challenge but a challenge that even the weakest of infants can attain."
I didn't say anything no Apa in response to what he said. With a chill in my eyes and no expression on my face, I calmly walked toward Apa, placed my hand on his chest, and pushed him. Apa tried fervently to stop what I had done to him, but clearly my will was stronger than his. As the crunching and screaming joined with the natural sounds of the mountain, I could only look and smile.
Turning back to the amazing sight that was the rest of Scott's Mountain 3, I felt an almost instinctual urge bubble up from inside me. Conquering this mountain was not just something my mind wanted to do, it was something my body felt a drive within itself to do.
It's been six days since I shoved Apa down Scott's Mountain 3. I can see the top of the mountain, the true summit. I can also see the great immediate challenges that lie in front of me. There is a part of me that wants to go back and check on my former guide. However, there is another part of me that remembers that if Apa truly has expired that I am not obligated to pay him.
Super Marion 3D Land: B+
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