Friday, October 21st, 9:50 P.M.
I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I pray to God I can get to sleep
tonight. Staying up last night stressing
about the relationship between Rinoa and I was barely tolerable. I don't know how I'll be able to stand it. If I stay up tonight with the thought of the
horrible trainwreck I made that relationship into in my mind.
There are two things that happened after Rinoa and I
got back to Gin's house that makes me feel like complete shit. The first happened right after we got
back. Rinoa took the envelope we had
gotten from Udendors, forcefully slapped it on my chest, and said to me,
"I'm going upstairs to clean up. Do
not follow me." She then proceeded
to do what she had sternly told me she was going to do. In the past I would have taken this
opportunity to take in the sight that was slowly leaving me. Now taking advantage of that opportunity would
have only served to remind me of what I had done wrong. Very, very much wrong. So, I didn't.
Instead, I took the envelope to Gin right away. When I entered his office, Gin was doing his
usual businessman thing, and Sam was doing his newly normal to me drunken
sleepyman thing. I handed the envelope
to Gin, which he then tore open and counted the contents. "Five, ten, fifteen, sixteen hundred,
twenty, forty, sixty, seventy, five, six, seven, sixteen hundred seventy seven
on the dot." After he was done
rearranging his money into a neat pile, Gin looked at me and saw the dower look
on my face. "What's up, kid?"
"Oh, nothing much."
"Liar."
Recognizing how bad I was at the lie I had just
tried to tell, I took a deep sigh and said, "Today's been a bad day."
As if to try to have the same effect on me, Gin put
a large smile on his face and said, "Well, cheer up kid. This money you've just brought me has put us
over the top. I have enough cash on hand
to bribe the officials to get the jet fuel to take us to Amcan. We'll leave for the airport at noon. Make sure you're ready by then."
"Okay," I replied with no more optimism in
my voice than was there before. This was
something Gin picked up on again.
"Hato, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. You are going to be fine. I'm sure that when we get to Amcan, you, and
possibly that angle upstairs, will lead a happy peaceful life. Who knows, you might just lead that life
together."
I know Gin meant well, and under normal
circumstances what he said would be incredibly uplifting. However today, with what had happened, with
what I did, that statement just poured salt into my open wound. I carried that depressive weight with me as I
made my way up to the mini-apartment where I've been sleeping since arriving in
Trebyer. Once I arrived there I heard
some rustling coming from the bedroom.
When I went to investigate the noise, I found Rinoa. A woman who I adored was in my bedroom. It's interesting how something that you once
held as your highest desire when actualized can fill you with dread and
sadness.
Seeing me, Rinoa launched into me. "You know this nice luxurious bed you've
been sleeping in? I'm taking it. I'm taking it, and maybe after a good night's
rest my damn neck won't hurt so bad."
The only response I could muster up was,
"Okay."
"And don't take this as an invitation for you
to hop into bed with me, because it's not."
I could have defended myself at that moment, but I
didn't have the will to do so.
"Okay. Can I have a pillow
for when I sleep on the couch out here?"
Rinoa swiftly closed the distance between her and
the door with a look on her face that was the opposite of pleased. With evident scorn, she answered my request
for a pillow. "No." Rinoa then slammed the door in my face.
It's probably a good thing that Gin and I are
leaving for Amcan in the morning. Flying
away from Trebyer serves as a great way to get away from this mess. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could fix it. I really, really wish I could fix it. I wish I knew how to make things at least decent
between Rinoa and I. I can't. I just can't.
All I can do is leave. Leave
before I fuck things up even more.
Goodbye.
Hato Shurtleff
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