A Concrete Solution

Late on Tuesday a story started circulating that has touched many people.  It is the story of a man who died alone and unable to contact anyone after an accident in the Utah desert.  Sadly this story is all to common.  There are many people who have died similar deaths in the Utah desert.  Many of the people could have gotten the help they so desperately needed if they weren't stuck in the bottom of a narrow piece of rock.

We have waited far too long to deal with situations like this.  Too many people have died due to something that can be easily fixed.  The time has come.  We have the technology, the materials, and the manpower to put an end to people dying cold and alone in the narrow rock formations that fill many parts of Utah.  Today, in memory of all that have died in the Utah desert, I am proposing that we fill all of the narrow rock formations in Utah with concrete.

This proposal hold the potential to be an economic boon to depressed areas in Eastern and Southern Utah.  This proposal will provide good, honest work to people who need it.  Public works projects have worked before in kickstarting the American economy, and it can work today.  By filling the narrow rock formations in Utah with concrete, we can not only save lives, we can help people start their lives anew.

There are those who would argue that such rock formations are treasures of nature that should not be changed by the hands of man.  The people who argue such things are liberals who stand in the way of progress and the will of God.  As it is said in Genesis 1:28, "...fill the earth and subdue it...".  We also have inspiration from modern day to go forth with such a project.  As Ronald Reagan once said, "Oh yes, please, fill it up.  Fill it right to the brim.  Thank you."

There are those who would say that the narrow rock formations in Utah should be preserved for future generations.  I say that if we do not fill the narrow rock formations in Utah with concrete those future generations may not materialize.  For the sake of the lives, memories, and futures of the people of this Earth, this work must be done and it must be done now.  Thank you and God bless.

I am Hunter Red and I approve this message.

****- A Farcical Scheme: III

This is part three of A Farcical Scheme. To understand this more fully, please read parts one and two. For those of you that have been following this, there will be a test at the end. Enjoy!

The Scheme

David rose from his chair, more as a dramatic move than anything else, took a deep breath, and said something that at the time was borderline heretical. “The first thing we should do is tank the election.”

This statement was met with open hostility. No better expressed than by Brent. “That’s political suicide.”

“No,” David sternly shot back. “The student body wants a Dove, any Dove. The right Dove, the wrong Dove, the Dove that happens to be around, they want a Dove. To deny the student body their Dove would be political suicide. So we need to tank the election, however we need to appear as if we’re putting up a fight.” David then motioned to Darren. “Darren, I like Jeremy Arizona as a candidate for this plan.”

Darren immediately shook his head. “No, I am not going to use my friend like this.”

David responded, “I know it’s wrong to use him like this, but who else is there? Every other candidate is repulsive to the student body in some way.”

Darren, continuing to defend his friend, said, “Then how are you going to tank the election then?”

David then put a tone in his voice that is used in the movies by the mastermind of a great heist. “We pair him with someone no one could bear to vote for. Someone who seems completely out of place in politics. Someone who could quickly rise up and just as quickly fall back down.”

Darren continued projecting open hostility toward David. “Who do you propose to fill that role?”

David turned to the still spaced out head cheerleader and said, “Heather, I can’t for the life of me remember her name, who’s the spacey brunette on the cheer team?”

Heather broke from her trance and said, “Claire.”

David knew Claire to be blonde. “No, the brunette.”

“Maria,” Heather responded confidently.

David knew Maria had brown hair and said, “No, the brunette”, placing emphasis on the last word.

“Oh, Cherry,” Heather responded in a cute/sexy way.

David knew that Barbara, otherwise known as Cherry, was called Cherry because she had red hair. David became annoyed because of this exchange and chose to express his annoyance. “Do you know what brunette means?”

A look of sad persecution came over Heather as she said, “Yeah, that she has big breasts.”

David laughed a little bit at this, as he usually does when he interacts with people he feels to be substantially dumber than he. “No, that’s not what it means, although the girl I’m referring to does in fact have a good sized pair. Brunette refers to someone who has black hair.”

A look of realization came over Heather as she said, “Oh, you mean Wasilla. Wasilla Patridge.”

David continued, “Yes Wasilla Patridge. We pair up Jeremy Arizona with Wasilla Patridge as his running mate, thereby guaranteeing a totally repulsive ticket from the Reptiles and giving the win to the Doves, no matter who they run against us.”

The Reptiles were skeptical toward David, none more so than Darren. It was he that expressed his skepticism. “Okay, so you’ve proposed using my friend to tank an election by saddling him with someone you clearly have a thing for. Is this the end of your plan or-“

David interjected, “No, it is not, because my plan doesn’t end when the election does, it goes into the next school year.”

The Reptiles were intrigued by this. This was perfectly expressed when Russell said, “I’m intrigued by this.”

Darren, still harboring resentment from the proposal to use his friend, said to David, “Well, it had better be a damn good plan.”

David replied, “It is. Phase Two of my plan will begin on the day the school year starts.” David then motioned to Brent. “Brent, we’re going to need the help of the person you presented with this.”

Brent cautiously replied, “Gary Quagmire?”

David shot back, “Yes, and not just him. We’re also going to need the help of some of his friends on the school newspaper. I’m talking William O’Sullivan, Ronald Limb, Matthew Severe, and Leonard Jobs. These writers, these opinionists, these pundits will represent the majority.”

Diane chimed in, “But they aren’t the majority. They are outnumbered by the likes of Markus Neil Baucus, James Daily, and Stanley Jansen.”

Daniel quickly responded, “But they represent the vocal minority. They are the most obnoxiously boisterous people at the paper and the audience they reach are themselves loud and obnoxious. They’re like Russell but not restricted by the need for sexual gratification.”

Those gathered then looked at Russell, waiting for him to respond, but not being offended by it all Russell said was, “What?”

Brent then turned to address David. “Okay, so Quagmire, Limb, O’Sullivan, Severe, and Jobs are going to pool their efforts, and say what?”

David replied, “Anything. Anything, anyway, anyhow, any any, just as long as it is contrary to the new Dove president. What he does, what he wears, what he thinks, even stuff that is completely made up, criticize the president on absolutely everything.”

Darren, still skeptical of David, said, “But won’t people think we’re insane and just being contrary to the new president because he’s a Dove?”

David replied, “That’s the exact impression we want. We want to keep pushing that we’re insane and just illogically contrary, and once people suspect that we keep on pushing and pushing and pushing until the point that when anyone thinks of the Reptiles they think of rabid illogical insanity.”

Diane then asked a very important question. “Why would we want people to think that of us? Don’t we want people to think positively of us?”

David had a reply for that answer ready. “We will. The Reptiles will have a positive image, eventually. However, before we do that, we need to make people forget about Prescott Fern. We need to create an impression that completely overshadows any lasting impression people still have of Prescott Fern and his connection to the Reptiles.”

David had started to win the gathered Reptiles over but they were still apprehensive. Darren summed up the feeling of those at the table when he said, “So we create an environment where we completely overshadow Prescott Fern by making the Reptiles appear absolutely bat shit crazy. Then what?”

David then adopted a tone that sounded more like a movie trailer announcer and laid out the final part of his scheme. “Then a candidate will appear that is a Reptile but at the same time isn’t.” At this point the table was struck with this look like they had no idea what David meant by what he just said. David continues, “A candidate will appear that is calm, reasonable, and level headed compared to the insane identity that the Reptiles are defined by at that point. This candidate will appeal to students who still like what the Reptiles stand for but are repulsed by the insanity that has infected them. He’ll also appeal to those who are repulsed by the insane identity and hope the candidate will root out that influence among the Reptiles. Finally, in addition to the Reptiles who will vote for any Reptile regardless of identity, this candidate will appeal to a small minority of Doves who are tired of their current Dove president. This will give us a great chance of winning the election that will occur at the end of the next school year.”

The Reptiles that were gathered were stunned by this. David had done something that had failed to do: Present a plan that could possible work. Darren felt the need to comment on this plan. “David, that plan is a marvel, something that you should really be proud of. However, your plan would never work.” Darren also felt the need to crap all over David’s plan.

Deflated, David asked, “Why?”

Darren, whose motives at the time were either the preservation of the organization known as the Reptiles or crushing the plan of someone who had crushed his, answered David’s question of why. “A plan that intricate would require all of the Reptiles to work together as one. This would require an eye simple to the goal, a collective mindset, and other things we simply aren’t capable of.”

Now David was hostile toward Darren. “Why do you think that is? Why do you think the Reptiles can’t come together for the common good?”

Rather than reflect the anger, Darren responded calmly and coolly. “Well, we gathered here are supposed to represent the best of the Reptiles, and what happened? We nearly got into a fight. We can’t even get along for one night, how are we supposed to get along for an entire year?”

What Darren said was true. The plan that David had proposed required one critical element. Unity, and the Reptiles simply didn’t have that. Dejected from his denial, David fell back into his chair in a heap.

All that was left was for Darren to wrap up this failure of a strategy meeting. “So there we have it. Four candidates and one plan presented, and all of it ultimately rejected. This is a pretty depressing failure on our part.”

It was Heather who asked an important question at that moment. “What do we do now?”

Darren, with a deep sense of resignation in his voice, said, “We take a week, brainstorm some new candidates, and meet back here again,” and with that the Reptiles dispersed and the meeting was over.

This ends the account of the meeting that took place among the Reptiles. The person who wrote this account didn’t go to any subsequent meetings involving the Reptiles, and just generally checked out of high school politics in general. The Reptiles ended up losing the election and losing it hard. One would assume the Reptiles would end up losing influence for years to come but history is a largely deemphasized concept at Allred High. It would be interesting to find out what would have happened if the Reptiles had followed the plan that David Meriwether had proposed.

****- A Farcical Scheme: II

This is part two of A Farcical Scheme. To fully understand just what is going on, please read part one. To be completely in the dark while reading this, please read while drunk/high. Thank you.

The Candidates

The meeting took place in the Raine family home. Darren Raine, a prep, with intents to go into the family business of swindling the poor, is hosting the meeting in his parent’s grand dining room. Darren has invited over many high ranking Reptiles to the meeting. Russell Allen, a jock, is quarterback of the Allred High football team with high profile college football prospects. Diane Firestein, a religious person, is representative of the Christian Leadership Council, group that represents the religious views of the student body. Brent Dumas, a straightedger, is leader of the Clean Living Committee, a straightedge group that is rumored to be a front for a gang. Heather Moon is head cheerleader and romantically linked to Russell Allen. Finally David Meriwether who is top student in the junior class, Debate Club captain, and most likely to win Valedictorian when he graduated.

The meeting started with a light dinner and a chance for some conversation. This was different from what they usually do over lunch at school because the food they were eating was actually healthy. After that the real nuts and bolts of the meeting got underway. Whiteboards were brought in, projectors were set up for PowerPoint presentations, and Russell sat up straight and looked to be paying attention.

Darren took his place at the front of the table and addressed those gathered. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this meeting of the Reptiles. It is both an honor and a privilege to be the host for this annual went where the agenda for the real movers and shakers at Allred High is set.”

All of those gathered lightly applauded. During the applause, Russell elbowed Heather and said, “I bet he likes seeing you shake.”

Darren continues, “Reptiles, let’s get down to business. Who are we going to nominate to be next year’s Student Body President?”

Russell was the first to respond. “I nominate Kurt Fern!”

The rest of those gathered began to murmur, critical of this suggestion. Darren stepped in to quiet them. “Now hold on. We’re all here to suggest people who will take the mantle of leadership and we all are going to have an opportunity to suggest someone. Russell, why do you think Kurt would be a good president?”

“Well, his brother was president, so he’s got that going for him. Also, Kurt’s a pretty cool guy. He always invites me when he holds hid beer and sex parties when his parents aren’t home.”

Brent sarcastically commented, “Yeah, that’s just the perfect person to be president.”

Russell got offended and said, “What, you have a problem with people who enjoy a good fuck?”

Brent, responding to Russell’s offence, angrily said, “No, the problem is the beer. I can’t support a person who doesn’t live the kind of clean lifestyle I do.”

Russell stood up and yelled, “Your lifestyle is for pussies!” This lead to a short verbal confrontation. Russell was cursing, making incoherent comments and calling Brent gay. Brent was insulting Russell in a superbly articulate manner without swearing. Diane was trying to calm everyone down by saying Christ would yell like this. Heather was staring at a spot of light on the wall. At the end of the table, David was sitting with his head in his hands thoroughly disgusted at this argument.

Finally Darren stood up and screamed, “Will the two of you sit down and shut the fuck up!” Which they did.

In a last attempt to not look like the idiot he is, Russell said, “Can any of you give me one good reason Kurt Fern would not be a good president?”

David pulled his face from his hands and said, “It’s not so much that he can’t be a good president, it’s that he can’t win.”

Russell gave a good response in a dumb tone of voice. “Why not?”

David said, “You know all of those “Anything But Fern” t-shirts?”

Russell gave a dumb response in a dumb tone of voice. “Yeah, those shirts give me an excuse to look at girl’s boobs.” Heather pulled her attention away from the spot of light long enough to elbow Russell in the ribs.

David took a deep breath and began to explain. “The “Anything But Fern” slogan is so pervasive and so negative that no one named Fern has a realistic chance of winning the presidency. Even if Kurt was in no way related to Prescott and them sharing a last name was a coincidence he still would not win.”

Russell, like a stubborn child, said, “Well I still think he’d make the best president.”

David, annoyed but still making an effort to be civil, said, “It doesn’t matter how good he is, if he can’t get into office he won’t be able to use his abilities. It’s like if a guy was the greatest quarterback ever but never actually played quarterback.”

“What?” Obviously David’s attempt to speak to Russell’s level had gone over his head. Thankfully Heather tried to explain it to him again.

“It’s like if a nerd was really good at sex. Yes, he’s really good at something most people get a lot of pleasure from, but he’s a nerd so he’s never going to use those skills for his benefit.”

Russell understood this. He acknowledged that by saying, “Oh, I get it.”

Darren took back the mantle of control and said, “So that’s one candidate presented and one candidate shot down. Who wants to present their candidate next?”

Brent took this opportunity to present his candidate if only so that Russell would not present another one. “I submit that Gary Quagmire should be the Reptile’s nominee for Student Body President.”

Darren acknowledged Brent by saying, “Okay Mr. Dumas, the floor is yours.”

Brent took a second to compose himself. Russell took this opportunity to exclaim, “Get to it fag.”

Brent shot back, “Shut up you glorified granite sculled imbecile.”Brent took another second to compose himself then began. “Gary Quagmire is an often overlooked elite student at Allred High. He is a phenomenal student, 3.9 GPA since 7^th grade. He is a gifted writer who maintains the influential Straightedge Chronicles in the Allred Times. He is a born leader, Vice President of the Clean Living Committee, a position he’s held since his sophomore year. Finally, Gary is a true Reptile who openly and often insults all Doves in all ways.”

The Reptiles that were gathered took a second to process Brent’s nomination and his reasoning behind it. No one spoke until Russell opened his boisterous idiotic mouth. “All I heard was “Gary is gay, blah blah blah, I want to suck his cock.”

Brent heard this and reacted angrily and uncontrolled. “Fuck you! Fuck you and you’re useless fucking head!”

Diane turned to Darren and asked, “Why did you invite Russell? His homophobia is really disruptive.”

Darren turned to Russell and calmly asked, “Russell, can you cut out they gay shit? It’s not really contributing to the process.”

Russell reacted like he usually does, angrily and obscenely. “Why the fuck should I?” Heather then grabbed by the collar, pulled him near her, and started whispering in his ear. After talking with him for a minute or so, Heather let Russell go. Russell looked totally transformed into a quiet more petulant person. He expressed this by saying, “I’ll be good. I won’t say anything homophobic.”

Diane started looking at Heather scornfully. Diane said, in an accusatory tone, “What did you, threaten to withhold sex from him?”

Russell responded, “Yes.”

Diane yelled, “You fetching slut!”

Heather responded, “Frigid bitch.” This caused the four openly hostile people to launch into another heated verbal exchange. Meanwhile David started to stare at Darren as if he was using telepathy to say, “How the fuck did this devolve into this?”

Darren stood up, angrily pounded his fists on the table, and said, “God damn you people! How the hell are the Reptiles supposed to get and maintain control if you people are constantly bickering like this? You people need to sit down, stop tearing each other down, and start actually contributing to what we’re trying to do!” The four bickering people sat back down, composed themselves, and at least tried to look like they were getting along. Darren then sat back down and said, “Can anyone make a reasoned argument why Gary Quagmire would not make a good president.”

David provided the last voice on this again. “I’m not going to argue that Gary wouldn’t make a good president, I’m going to argue that he can’t win.”

Darren said, “Okay, go on.”

David turned to Brent and said, “Gary was one of the people who were pushing for the Coke machines in the school to be removed, right?”

Brent answered, “Yes.”

David continued, “And one of his main arguments was that the consumption of caffeine doesn’t adhere to the straightedge lifestyle, and that the very presence of caffeinated beverages can lead good people down the wrong path.”

Brent responded, “Yeah, that was his basic reasoning. It’s not the reason why most people who were in favor of removing the Coke machines were in favor of it, but that was his reason.”

David continued, “And how does Gary respond when he sees a bottle of Coke?”

Brent answered, “Rage. Instant heated rage.”

David concluded, “And that is the problem. All a Dove has to do is bring a bottle of Coke to a debate, cause Gary to go into a rage, and win the debate no matter what was or wasn’t said beforehand.”

Diane asked, “Would a Dove really do that?”

David responded, “Absolutely. Doves may not look like it, but they are truly ruthless. They just project themselves as calm and reasonable to draw people in and make the Reptiles look bad.”

Darren capped this nomination, saying, “Okay, two nominees up and two nominees down. Who’s next?”

Diane took this opportunity to present her candidate. “I believe Jimmy Risepoor would make a superb candidate.”

Darren acknowledged this by saying, “Okay Miss Firestein, the floor is yours.”

Diane took a second to compose herself, this time thankfully not interrupted by Russell, and began, “Jimmy Risepoor is the leader of the Christian Leadership Council, a very influential group among the Reptiles. Jimmy’s position as leader of the Christian Leadership Council is one he has held since his first year of Junior High, a testament to his qualifications as a leader and to the strength of his spirit. Finally, Jimmy has an appeal that holds strong among the Reptiles and stretches into the Doves, giving him a broad base of appeal.”

The Reptiles that were gathered stood silent for a moment. Even Russell was quiet, although that could have easily been because of the threat of the withholding of sex. Darren took it upon himself to break the silence. “Well, if no one has any objections-“

“I do,” said David in a sternfull tone.

Darren acknowledged David by saying, “Okay David, what are your objections?”

David continues in his sternfull tone, “I can’t support Jimmy Risepoor because of the comments he made after the 8/28 Report came out.”

“What’s the 8/28 Report?” Russell asked, not knowing because the report had nothing to do with football.

David answered, “The 8/28 Report is the report given about the investigation into the attacks that happened early into President Fern’s term, on 8/28. It details who committed those attacks, how they did it, and why. After the 8/28 Report was made public Jimmy Risepoor released a statement praising the people who carried out the attacks and said it was unfortunate they didn’t actually hit the science lab.”

Everyone at the table turned toward Diane, each of them had an expression of their faces that was a mixture of shock and rage. Diane swallowed hard and said, “Yes, he did actually say that. Everyone was so wrapped up in blaming and persecuting the Goths that no one noticed”

The room remained silent, shocked at what one of their iconic leaders had said, until Darren said, “Okay, Jimmy Risepoor is out. That’s three candidates up and three candidates down. Heather, do you have a candidate in mind?”

Heather looked dumbstruck by this, well more than normal, and asked, “What about David. I’m sure he has a fine candidate to present.”

Darren shot back, “David is a strategy guy. When he is at competitions for the Debate Club he is able to make a convincing argument for any topic whether he believes it or not. He’s not here to present a candidate, he is here to craft a strategy for that candidate. So, Heather, do you have a candidate to present?”

Heather got this look on her face as if she had just fallen ill. “I don’t have a candidate to present. The reason why I accepted the invitation to come here tonight is that we could have sex on Darren’s parent’s king size bed.”

The entire table, except for David, then expressed their outrage at this comment. Brent because he feels his time is valuable, Diane because she objects to anyone unmarried having sex, Russell because this meant he was shut down for the night, and Darren expressed his outrage verbally by saying, “Are you kidding me! My parents don’t even have sex in that bed!” All this time David was trying to stifle a lurid smile that was inspired by the secret fantasies he had about Heather.

The outrage continued until Darren took control of the meeting back by saying, “Okay, let’s all get settled and be civil once again,” which the table promptly did. “I guess since I’m the last one who hasn’t presented, I’ll present my candidate. I nominate Jeremy Arizona to be the Reptile candidate to be Ralph W. Allred High School’s Student Body President. Jeremy is one of those guys who had held political office as far back as I can remember. I remember voting for him to be Vice-President of our third grade class. That was way before I knew what a Reptile was, yet alone that I was one. Arizona is a faithful member of the Catholic faith and, although he’s not perfect, tries to lead as clean of a lifestyle as he can. Jeremy is a baseball player, a high school academic All-American. Also, he’s dating a cheerleader, not the most attractive one but the one who most closely follows the Catholic faith. Jeremy Arizona is a person who had broad appeal among the Reptiles because he identifies with all of them. He is religious, straightedge, jock, and, because of his friendship with me, a prep. I believe Jeremy Arizona to be the best choice among the Reptiles for the nomination for Allred High Student Body President.”

A series of approving comment began to be expressed among the Reptiles gathered after this candidate was presented. It seemed as if Darren had presented a candidate that everyone agreed with, that appealed to everyone, that everyone thought was poised to become the next Student Body President at Ralph W. Allred High School. Everyone that is except that for David. While everyone else was lauding Darren and patting him on the back, David was silent. It was Darren that took note of this silence. “David, what do you think of Jeremy Arizona?”

David looked down at the long table that separated Darren and him for a second, then looked Darren in the eye and said, “I have no problem with Jeremy Arizona. I like you think he would make an excellent candidate and, under the right circumstances, would win the office of Student Body President. However, these aren’t the right circumstances. In fact, I don’t think that any Reptile can win the office of president for the upcoming school term.”

This response did not sit well with Darren. Darren’s expression turned from one of objective optimism to a resentment directed directly at David. “Okay David, why don’t you highly effectively shoot down another candidate?”

Either because he didn’t understand the sarcasm in Darren comment or because he was eager to do what Darren had said, David expediently got to work. “I mentioned earlier the prevalence of the phrase “Anything But Fern”. This had lead to a general repulsion toward anything Prescott Fern is connected with. His younger siblings, the clothes he wears, what he eats, the particular slang terms he uses, and most unfortunately for us the political group he’s affiliated with. When people think of the Reptiles they think of Fern. Fern has damaged the Reptile brand so badly that I don’t think any Reptile could win the presidency until all memory of Prescott Fern dissipates.”

This statement caused the rest of the Reptiles to grumble softly almost inaudibly. This grumbling ended when Russell said, “Well if you’re the one who’s supposed to have so many good ideas, do you have a fucking idea about what we should do then?” It’s a view that the others at the table had but didn’t have the guts to articulate. However, in saying what he had said, Russell had given David the opportunity to lay out his grand scheme.

****- A Farcical Scheme: I

A Farcical Scheme

Before you read this, let me be clear, this is fiction. It contains elements and ideas that are currently in the world but this is fiction. I have no proof that the central idea in this is actually being executed, it’s just an interesting idea I had that I just had to express. Also, this is a three part blog post, being put up on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. When I started writing this in this style I knew it was going to be long. So, rather than cut it short or put it on Skydrive for no one to read, I chose to break it up into pieces. I feel it is better this way even if you don’t. Enjoy!

The Beginning

Ralph W. Allred High School in Shermer, Illinois is a high school like any other. It has your typical mix of jocks, nerds, preps, outcasts, stoners, straightedgers, Goths, religious people, and any other kind of student that you interacted with, blatantly ignored, or were in high school.

Like any other high school, Allred High holds annual democratic elections to determine which students will fill the student leadership positions. The Allred High student leadership is like any other high school student leadership: they think they have power even though they really don’t and revel in their faux power.

One of the former Allred High Student Body Presidents is Prescott Fern. Prescott Fern’s term as president was not at all positive. Some would claim it to be the worst presidency in their memory, even though their memory only goes back a couple of years. However, Prescott Fern’s presidency is remembered more for its failures than its successes.

A couple of weeks into Fern’s term two large trucks crashed into the school. At first it was assumed that the Goths were responsible for this because all Goths want to commit suicide, but after a thorough investigation it was found that the religious people were responsible for the accident. The reason the religious people went through with the accident was because they wanted to destroy the science labs. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your perspective, the science labs were on the opposite side of the building they attacked. After the investigation was complete, Prescott continued to blame the Goths and launched a campaign to rid the school of Goths. All this accomplished was to cause more people to join the Goths and for the Goths to become more entrenched in their faux gothic lifestyle.

Nothing much positive happened in Allred High over the next few months. Sports teams won and lost, musicals were performed to half filled auditoriums, and many academic competitions Allred High participated in against other high schools ended with Allred High finishing third. Mundane, middle of the road, and average became closely associated adjectives to this place where excellence was formerly born and bred. Then something happened that would thrust the presidency of Prescott Fern into the irredeemable negative.

For many years large containers sat on the roof of the Ralph W. Allred High School. These containers collected water used for science experiments, watering Allred High’s well manicured lawn, and drinking from the school’s many purified water fountains. Over the winter break these containers were filled to capacity with the snow that always falls abundantly in the area. Some of the containers overflowed, causing their wooden supports to become wet and weakened.

Just days into the third term at Allred high one of the supports on one of the water collection containers gave way. Moments after in an unfortunate case of coincidence and poor preparation supports on the other seven containers also gave way. This caused the contents of these containers, nearly fifty gallons of water each, to completely spill out, flooding the atrium. The atrium at Allred High is a place where the artists, musicians, stoners, and nerds hang out. In fact, at the time the flood hit, many of those people were in the atrium.

It took several hours for President Fern to respond. When he did he was less than enthusiastic about helping many of the people who have never and may never support him. This lead to a vocal member of the musicians, Eynak East, to say, “Prescott Fern hated nerds.” To this day much of the atrium at Allred High lies in ruin. Some parts have been brought back to a level approaching its former glory. Other parts are worse today than they were when the flood waters retreated.

The remainder of the presidency of Prescott Fern was largely uneventful. This was because Prescott didn’t do much of anything. By the end of year the student body was thoroughly done with Fern and anything he was connected with. The phrase “Anything but Fern” was emblazoned on t-shirts, backpacks, car bumpers, and on the walls of the school in normal and graffiti style lettering.

At long last the time came for the process to elect new leadership to begin. A new year was quickly approaching, optimism was running high, and the sun seemed ready to shine of Ralph W. Allred High School once again. All it would take was the right leader to take advantage of this bright opportunity.

For as far back as one can remember, elections at Allred High have been dominated by two major groups. There are a smattering of other groups of various sizes and influences, but for most everything that happens in Allred High it comes down to these two groups. The Doves mostly consist of nerds, outcasts, stoners, and goths. The Reptiles mostly consists of jocks, preps, straighedgers, and religious people. There are some students who crossover, preps as Doves, nerds as Reptiles, goths as To Hell With Everyone. However most people conform to what has been ascribed as the norm, no matter how much the concept of conformity repulses them. Prescott Fern, and many of the people who worked beside him, were Reptiles.

Every year the Doves and the Reptiles have separate meetings to strategize, collect money, and nominate people for the upcoming election. In the past these meetings were held in secret with no outsiders knowing what happened in these meetings and how the process of nomination took place. In recent years the process has become more open, however the process of strategizing has remained largely secret. Recently an account has been made of a meeting the Reptiles held to establish strategy for the election and to decide who would be nominated to be president after Prescott Fern left office. Here is the account.