What Do People Hate?

What Do People Hate?

Hunter Red is sitting in his office trying to get blu-ray ripper software to work instead of actually working.  The phone on Hunter Red's desk begins to ring.

Hunter Red-  Oh shit.  Do the feds catch on that quick that I'm ripping off copyright law.

The phone continues to ring.  When Hunter picks it up, he is not met by someone from the feds, it is someone Hunter did some freelance work earlier this year.

Grand Shaw-  Hello, Mr. Red.

It is Grand Shaw, a Republican state legislature representing Utah's 30th Senatorial District.  Hunter served as a speech writer for Senator Shaw during this year's session of the Utah State Legislature.

Hunter Red-  Oh, hello Mr Shaw.  I'm surprised to hear from you.

Grand Shaw-  Why?

Hunter Red-  Because it's no where close to the legislative session, and you hold a general contempt for liberals, such as myself.

Grand Shaw-  Yes, but I like the way that you put the words together in a way that makes me sound smart, which is why I'm calling you today.

Hunter Red-  What do you want?

Grand Shaw-  I'm starting to put together my campaign for the fall.

Hunter Red-  You're only starting now?

Grand Shaw-  Well, I'm facing off against someone from the Democrat party, and you know what a joke that party is.

Hunter Red-  True.  Nationally and locally, the Democratic Party is a fucking joke.

Grand Shaw-  I don't know what you mean by Democratic Party, but I do feel the same way about the Democrat Party.  Anyway, I need a quick statement that can serve as a rallying cry for my supporters.

Hunter Red-  Is this for a web ad, a TV commercial, or-

Grand Shaw-  No, it's for one of those automated phone call recording message things.  I forget what they call it.

Hunter Red-  A robocall?

Grand Shaw-  Yeah, that's it.

Hunter Red takes a to rub his eyes and breathe deeply before speaking.

Hunter Red-  Mr. Shaw, you have a telephone at home, correct?

Grand Shaw-  Yeah.

Hunter Red-  And you've received calls from telemarketers on it, right?

Grand Shaw-  You mean those weasely sons of bitches that just wanna get my hard earned money, yes I have.

Hunter Red-  Have you ever received a call from a telemarketer, but instead of an acutal person on the end of the line, there was a recording.

Grand Shaw-  Yeah.  Gosh darn, that just bugs the living kajigger out of me.

Hunter Red-  Mr. Shaw, most people don't like politicians.  Most people think lower of politicians than they do telemarketers.  Most people don't like it when a telemarketer calls them and all they hear is a recording.  If people don't like it when a telemarketer robocalls them, what makes you think that people will like it when a politician telemarketer calls them.

There is a short pause.

Grand Shaw-  You gotta point there.  So, what do you think I should do?

Hunter Red-  Mr. Shaw, you are a Republican, and I am the type of person who wants to see the Republican Party in it's entirety go down in flames.  So, unless you want to give me money to come up with a good idea, I think you should do the robocalling.

Grand Shaw-  I'll give you $10,000.

Hunter Red is visibly shocked by Grand Shaw saying this.  It takes him a moment, but Hunter finally says-

Hunter Red-  I really like it when a politician personally talks to me.  Whether it's through his office or from himself, a personal touch creates a connection between people that is hard to forget.  I propose that you go out and talk to people.  Not in a formal, structured environment, like a town hall debate or a TV interview, but at a grocery store, as a city festival, or out getting coffee.

Grand Shaw-  I don't drink coffee.

Hunter Red-  Frozen custard then, or whatever, go out and talk to the people face to face.  Actually talking to people will make it more likely that those people will talk to other people about you in a more positive context.

Grand Shaw-  As opposed to a cold, impersonal robocall.

Hunter Red-  Exactly.

There is a short pause.

Grand Shaw-  Okay, where would you propose I do this.

Hunter Red-  How about at the Whole Foods downtown.

Grand Shaw-  Where all those hippies shop?

Hunter Red-  They have gelato.

There is a short pause.

Grand Shaw-  Okay.  I'll be there.  Ten AM, Saturday morning, see you there.

Hunter Red-  See me- What?

Grand Shaw has hung up the phone.  There would be a dial tone, but we live in the digital age where such things have been eliminated.  Hunter Red sits as his desk staring at his phone before hanging it up.  Hunter Red rubs his eyes and breathes deeply again, before saying-

Hunter Red-  His money had better be worth it.

Then a chime is heard coming from Hunter's computer.  The chime tells him that an email has been sent from Grand Shaw, informing him that they amount they agreed on has been sent to Hunter Red's account.

Hunter Red-  Oh look, it is.

THE END

 

There it is.  The relationship I was trying to develop with this person is over.  Done.  Finished.  Finished because of me.  Because of what I did.  Me.  Fuck.

Volume 11 by Hunter Red.