For a long time, people have been wondering why conservative author Ann Coulter continue to say and write things that are racists, sexists, bigoted, and other kinds of hurtful. People have wondered where she gets her ideas from, why she continues to get published, why, why, dear god why? People have also wondered why I was perfectly all right with putting my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, online for free. You may not think these things have anything to do with each other, but they do. They remarkably do.
I'm getting out in front of this story before some celebrity gossip rag picks it up. This is going to be big and, if not handled properly, could destroy us both. First of all, I am a satirist. I write tongue in cheek articles about things that interest me. This includes video games, politics, romantic endeavors, and fly fishing. Like many artists, I strive to be romantically involved with someone hwo is also an artist. Specifically someone who specializes in satire. Whose better at satire than one that practices the satirical arts twenty-four hours a day?
Second, Ann Coulter has an estimated net worth of $45 Million, including $5 Million in the past year. It could be said that any man who is dating Miss Coulter would be a made man who doesn't need to earn an income, right?
Now, I'm about to admit something that might be absolutely unbelievable, but it's true. I, Hunter Red, am dating Ann Coulter. I know, when I think about it, I don't believe it either. Not because of the character she portrays, but because of how truly wonderful my honeybear is. Every time I hear her speak, I just fall deeper and deeper in love with her.
Don't believe me? Here, look at this totally not photoshopped picture of Ann and I and see the truth for yourself.
IOCWMD?
This week, Conservative marionette Glenn Beck made one of his many claims about Iraq and the War on Terror. Unlike all of his other claims, this one appears to have some merit. This week Glenn Beck presented proof that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.
Mr. Beck presented as proof the receipt of a transaction betweem the Iraqi Olympic Committee and a company known only as Easton. The receipt shows Easton sold eighty-seven items of their product to Isam Maliki, an employee of the IOC. According to Beck, all eighty-seven of these items have the distinct possibility to be used as weapons of mass destruction. Mr. Beck presented this as proof that the US was right to invade Iraq an that "no one should ever question President Bush, ever."
Isam Maliki, who currently resides in exile in West Valley City, Utah, was contacted by this reporter for this story. When shown a copy of the receipt, Mr. Maliki said, "This is a receipt for an order of baseball bats." Until just before the invasion, Isam Maliki was the coach of the Iraqi Olympic National Baseball Team and was preparing for the 2004 Olympic Games. Maliki is also known as the best second baseman to come out of Basra.
When informed of this, Glenn Beck said, "That proves it, Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Can you deny that baseball bats can be used as WMD? Chock one up for the good guys, namely the Republicans!" When informed that Dick Cheney roams around with the Imperial March as his theme music, Mr. Beck used the power given to him by Joseph Smith to curse me to hell. I'm so scared.
The current whereabouts of these baseball bats is unknown. Last reports have them in the possession of R.C.O.A. President Seifer Kinneas and process server Dale Denton.
GWB+PT=<3
This week, during a speech in Canada, thankfully former President Bush revealed that he was going to be writing a book. President Bush said he was going to be writing about the twelve hardest decisions he made as president from a first person perspective. Through my contacts, as well as theft, I was able to obtain a preview of this book. This passage is from August 6th, 2001, the day Pres. Bush recieved the "Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US" memo.
As I sit here, meeting with my cabinet, going over matters of national and international importance, I can't help but think "I really like Pop Tarts." I just really like Pop Tarts. From the outside edge made of graham cracker or something, to the sugar laden frosting in the middle of the pastry, to the filling which is made of fruit, I think.
I have Pop Tarts nearly every morning. It's part of my morning routine: Pray, shower, Pop Tarts. I wish I could do that all day, but my job kinda fouls that up. Whose bright idea was it for me to be president anyway, I could be playing football right now.
Sometimes Laura says that she'd like to wake me in the morning with a Pop Tart warmed between her breasts. I have no idea what would make her think that was a good idea. I've been in between Laura's breasts and that space is simply for warm enough to cook a Pop Tart sufficiently. I love Laura, but some of her ideas just don't make sense. Like the idea she had of me reading every memo given to me in it's entirety. I can't do that, I got Pop Tarts to eat and Spongebob to watch. I mean look at this one, "Bin Laden Determined To Attack in US", why should I read that completely?
More passages like this are expected in George W. Bush's book, "Like 12 Decisions That I Like Totally Made, Totally."
Metal Gear Solid: Touch Review
When I was a kid, my parents never let me play with guns. call them crazy, but they had a problem with making gun violence appealing to children. I know weird. They didn't even let me play with toy guns. The closest thing to a gun that my parents let me play with were these massive supersoakers that make the needlers in Halo look realistic.
The only way I could imitate gun violence as a kid was to make a gun with my fingers. My friends would be playing with berettas and glock nines and I'd be toting a revolver with infinite rounds. If it wasn't for my ability to be absolutely silent as I stealthy hunted my friends down in the neighborhoods, I'd never have made it past the first shot. However, because of my inherit stealthiness, I was able to fingerbang my friends with ease.
Many years later, I bought Metal Gear Solid: Touch for my iPod Touch. This game brought back many childhood memories as I was once again given the ability to fingerbang people people out of existence. This game isn't much good beyond that. Truthfully, I'd rather have a port of or a new Metal Gear AC!D game than the ability to fingerbang people on my iPod Touch.
Playing this game is a source of joy to me as I remember all the good times I has with my friends in the carefree days of yore. It also apparently gives great joy to my girlfriend, as she has laughed every time I've written out the word fingerbang. I hope someday to understand why.
Metal Gear Solid: Touch: B-
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