Showing posts with label Harry Reed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Harry Reed. Show all posts

July 7 Now Declared 1337 Day

With the start this week of the lame duck session of congress, there has been talk of the people who represent us really getting down to some good substantive work. However on Wednesday that was proven to be false. Signed into law on Friday was US Federal Act 801-359-9696 making July 7th 1337 Day, or Leet Day.

Leet Day is a day set aside to celebrate all things geek. These things include video games, computers, live action role playing, and really hot anime women. Leet Day came to be in much the same way Valentines Day, Love Day, and Halliburton is Awesome Day did, lots of corporate money. This legislation's sponsors, Harry Reed, Orrin Hatch, and Jim Matheson, all recieved huge contributions from such companies as Microsoft, Electronic Arts, and Activision Blizzard. Gamecock did try to contribute to political campaigns, but were rejected because their name contains the word "cock".

As with anything else involving video games, the Christian Right has reacted to this in a rage. Somehow relevant evangelist Pat Robertson said, "First the liberals execute a hostile takeover of Washington, D.C., then they sign this uproarious legislation, what's next? World Satanist Day sponsored by the UN? Complete civil right for Atheists? Agnowledgement that gays exist!?!"


Family Video Game Advisory Corporation spokesman Ned Flanders said, "The Satanist have taken over. I'm going home to protect my family from the upcoming mandatory liberal sponsored child sex bus. Why has God forsaken us?"


And, of course, Jack Thompson had something to say. However, the only people around to take down what he said was his fifteen cats, his long suffering wife, and the one guy left who totally believes everything he says.

Leet Day coming July 7th to be celebrated at the 15,796,784 Gamestop locations across the country, including the nine within driving distance of your parent's basement.

A Message From Mr. Johnson


On Thursday, international news channel Al Jazeera aired another Al Qaeda propaganda tape. This tape featured an up to that point unknown Al Qaeda lieutenant. The State Department has identified this man as Aijavahuj Johnson, a former US citizen who moved to Afghanistan after his conversion to Islam in 1995.

Aijavahuj Johnson attended the prestigious Wang Institute and was well on his way to earning a Bachelor's Degree in Customer Service before his conversion. His father, Richard Johnson, gave a statement to the press saying, "It's just such a disappointment. He's supposed to be big and strong by now, but look. I swear it's never happened to me before." Aijavahuj's mother Flacyd Johnson said, "I'm thinking about trading him in for another younger one. For a long time, I've felt the urge to welcome a new Johnson into my life."


The State Department estimates Aijavahuj Johnson's video was made in early 2008 and was filmed near Tora Bora. Tora Bora is known as a Taliban hotspot, a crucial part of the Opium Trade, and the center of the growing Afghan porn industry. The video is entirely in Arabic, so the translation is patchy at best. What is clear is that in the video, Aijavahuj Johnson criticizes America and their eager consumption of bananas, sausages, and submarine sandwiches.


Thanks to clues hidden in the video and other intelligence obtained, Aijavahuj Johnson is expected to be captured in the coming days. A high level Pentagon official said that the intelligence for Mr. Johnson's capture was obtained "using methods that are not torturous and are totally legal... in Myanmar." The entire Bush administration is said to be elated with this development.

Still President Bush has been heard repeatedly saying "Aijavahuj Johnson" and chuckling lightly.

Dick Cheney was heard to say, "Soon the framework will be in place, and I will take my rightful place as ruler of this empire. Now, if only I could eliminate that young kid. The force is strong in those big ears."

Condoleezza Rice said "Aijavahuj Johnson? That's sounds vaguely dirty to me for some reason."

This reporter reached out to the Democrats for a comment on this story, however a message left at the office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed remains unanswered.

Pronouncing Key: Aijavahuj : Ai-jav-a-huj