****- Plugging Timothy Geithner

Quiz Show

The scene begins with a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a platform. As the stage lights go up two men are revealed to be sitting on a platform. The setting is very much inspired by a 70’s era game show. This is even further established by one of the men wearing a leisure suit. The two men are Hunter Red, he is the one in the leisure suit, and US Treasure Secretary Timothy Gheitner, he is dressed in a dull gray suit. As the host of the show, Hunter Red takes the lead.

Hunter- Hello and welcome to the 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question, brought to you by the Redertainment Corporation Of America and by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, we don’t have more money than God, we are God. Our contestant tonight is Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner is the current Treasure Secretary for the United States and his hobbies include rearranging his sock drawer and watching paint dry. Timothy, nice to have you here.

Timothy- I too find it pleasurable to be in this location currently.

Hunter- All right then. Now, I’m going to go over the rules of the game before we begin. I am going to give you a series of five questions. You only have to answer one of them to win the prize. Do you understand Mr. Geithner?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- And now here is Robin Anderson with our prize. Robin.

Robin- (Off camera in a fake female announcer’s voice) Our prize tonight is a onetime payout totaling 357.5 Trillion Dollars. This prize is brought to you tonight by British Petroleum. British Petroleum, Using gas from Chevron? You suck!

Hunter- Thank you Miss Anderson. Mr. Geithner, you know the rules, you know the prize, you know the game, are you ready to play?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- No, I said, ARE YOU READY!

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

An overblown light display is triggered, eventually ending in a bright spotlight being shown on the platform with Hunter and Timothy sitting on it.

Hunter- Okay, Question One: What is something interesting to do on a Saturday night.

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Sitting down upon a chair made of leathered bovine skin and reading a book about the evolution of the double-entry accounting practice.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No, Timothy, that is wrong. There are many answers that would have been correct, however the answer you have is not among them. But don’t worry, you still have four questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for the next question?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered again, ending in the game spotlight as before.

Hunter- Question Two: It’s Friday night and you want to see a movie. What is the most interesting movie to see?

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Swamp Women

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. The question was not “What movie should you turn on to induce sleep”, it was “What is the most interesting movie to see?” Is that understood?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Well, don’t worry, you still have three questions left to win the prize. Are you ready for question three?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered again, ending the same way as before.

Hunter- Question Three: You are wanting to go out and see an interesting musical concert. You can choose any musical act in the world. Which musical act do you choose to see an interesting concert?

Timothy doesn’t hesitate and says-

Timothy- Creed.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. There are many right answers to that question. U2, Nine Inch Nails, Amanda Palmer, The Sounds, these are just some of them. Creed is definitely not among them.

Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.

Hunter- Don’t be depressed, you still have two questions left to win the prize. Are you ready?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Let’s play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered, AGAIN.

Hunter- Question Four: You and your friends want to go see a sporting event. You want to go see a sport that is INTERESTING. What do you choose to see?

Timothy thinks for a second then says-

Timothy- A playoff game for my local Major League Soccer franchise.

A buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- No. No, Timothy, no! Do you even know what the word “interesting” means?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- I doubt it. Well, Timothy, you have one question left or else you will fail to win the prize. Are you ready?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- No, I said ARE YOU READY!

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Lets play the game!

The overblown light display is triggered for what is thankfully the last time.

Hunter- Question Five: Timothy, name something interesting.

Timothy thinks for a second and says-

Timothy- Sand.

A bell signifying a correct answer sounds. The audience watching begins to cheer, until-

Hunter- Wait, wait, wait a minute. Sand.

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- Sand?

Timothy- Affirmative.

Hunter- What kind of sand?

Timothy- Dry sand.

Hunter- Dry sand doing what?

Timothy- Nothing of particular noteworthiness. I just derive pleasure from viewing indeterminate collections of dry sand.

Hunter and Timothy stare at each other for a second. Then a buzzer signifying a wrong answer sounds.

Hunter- Nope, wrong answer Mr. Gheitner. Sand, in that context, is in no way interesting. It pains me to say this, but you have lost out on the prize.

Timothy- Utterance expressing depression.

Hunter- Yes, losing 357.5 Trillion Dollars is truly depressing. Well, that’s all the time we have here on The 357.5 Trillion Dollar Question. I’m Hunter Red reminding you to show that you care about the one you truly care about. Spay or neuter your reality television stars. Goodnight America.

The lights fade to black on the stage as the end credits begin to roll.

THE END



Have I Annoyed You Yet?

Did you know the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming on January 3rd, 2010? You can participate in this award show by submitting your nominations to me by December 15th. Also, I released two books this year. The Hawk and The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust are both available for free at Redetainment.com. Plug, plug, plug.

****- Red Interviews Donkey

PSNFU!

I had full intentions of writing a review of Resident Evil 5 for this week's post. However, I was unable to finish the game in time and am unable to review it. I am prepared to review something else, inspired by the fact that I own RE5 on PS3.



I knew this guy in junior high named Ronald. Ronald was bizarre. Let me be clear, I am weird, and there is nothing wrong with that. Ronald was bizarre, meaning that he was beyond weird to the point where there was something wrong with him. Ronald owned a donkey. This is not why Ronald was weird, it was just his pet.



Ronald lived down the street from an elementary school. Every time a ball rolled down the street and settled in his yard, rather than giving it back, Ronald gave the ball to his donkey to play with. Over the years, Ronald's donkey collected a number of balls. Baseballs, basketballs, footballs, four square balls, all sorts of balls for all sorts of activities.



Like most bizarre people, Ronald had a bizarre friend, named Nancy. What made Nancy bizarre? She liked to suck on things, lots of things. Her fingers, pencils, remote controls, dry wall, all sorts of things. One of the things Nancy liked to suck on was Ronald's donkey's toy balls. It could be very easily said that Nancy liked to suck donkey balls.



Apparently PSN also likes to suck donkey balls. What does PSN do well? Nothing!
Auto Sign In: Doesn't work
Friends List: Unimaginative and boring
Playstation Store: Redertainment.com has a better, easy to navigate interface, and I paid shit for it!
Downloading things: If I didn't have to babysit the thing as it downloads, I might download more, but NO! I either have to sit and watch it or trigger it to download, have it remain on, and hope nothing breaks. I have a fucking job, I don't need to be worrying about my console while I'm listening to people bitch about how theirs broke!
Home: Home can be described as most resembling the intake valve of an industrial size air compressor. You can't blame it for doing what it does. It sucks, and seems fucking designed to do only that!


Now I know what you're going to say. "But Hunter, PSN is free, you have to pay $50 a year for Live." True, and I pay for Live. In fact, I willingly for for Live as I see it as a good use of my money. I would never willingly pay for the shit that is PSN. If I wanted to pay for shit, I've got an uncle who's a horse farmer who could get me high quality shit for a cheap fucking price! Why would I give my fucking money for low quality shit?

PSN: F


The Red Interview- Timothy Geithner



Hello, this is The Red Interview and I am your host Hunter Red.
(Applause begins)
Stop it!
(Applause stops)
My guest tonight is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Mr. Geithner, welcome.

G- Let me just say thank you for having me.
R- Thank you for being here. We're here today to discuss the current economic crisis and it's effect on the video game industry. Mr. Geithner-
G- Let me just say yes.
R- A number of different video game companies have hit hard times. Among these are the prominent sale and later bankruptcy of Midway. To date, none of these companies have even been rumored to receive any substantive assistance from the federal government. Do you expect these companies to have a bright future, and if so, how?
G- Let me just say that with the moves the Treasury has made in recent weeks, we expect many companies to have a substantive increase in profits, and video game companies are among them. Let me just say that the video game industry has been driven by consumer spending, and as consumers take home income increases, the amount they can spend on many things, including video games, will increase.
R- But the consumer may not necessarily spend that increased take home salary. One of the driving forces in this economic downturn was an excess of credit and a lack of savings. What's to stop consumers from retracting their non-budgeted salary from the marketplace, and instead put it away for the next rainy day?
G- Let me just say-
R- (Hunter motions off camera) No, no, no, stop, stop tape. Mister Geithner, I saw your interview on Face The Nation on Sunday, April 5th-
G- Let me just say I'm glad to hear that. Let me just say for a person your age to be-
R- There! Right there! That is why I stopped tape. Throughout your interview on Face The Nation, and in the early part of this interview, you kept on repeating the phrase "Let me just say."
G- Let me just say what is wrong with that?
R- It's a vocal crutch. People use vocal crutches like "You Know" and "Like" when they are unsre as to what they are saying.
G- Let me just say that I have full confidence in what I am saying.
R- Then why don't you stop saying "Let me just say"?
G- Let me just say that I don't feel particularity motivated to.
Hunter reaches under the table and pulls out a gun which he places on the table.
G- Let me just say what is that?
R- It's a pellet gun. It hurts like hell but does no real damage. Mr. Geithner, if you say "Let me just say" one more time, I am going to shoot you in the face with a pellet gun.
Mr. Geithner dramatically looks at the gun, then Hunter, then the gun, then Hunter, then a baby seal, then the gun.
G- Let me just say-
Hunter shoots Mr. Geithner in the face with a pellet gun.
G- Let me just say ow! Let me just say ow! Let me just say you mother fucking son of a bitch!
R- Hey tax cheat!
Hunter trains the pellet gun on Mr. Geithner.
R- Is this proper motivation for you to not say "Let me just say"?
Mr. Geithner again dramatically looks at Hunter. He looks at him for a long time, then says-
G- Let me just say yes.
Hunter shoots Mr. Geithner in the face with a pellet gun, again.
G- Let me just say ow!
R- Yeah! You didn't think I'd do it again, did ya!
G- Let me just say fuck this! Let me just say I am fucking out of here.
Mr. Geithner gets up and storms out.
R- It's better than the treatment you'd get at Fox News!

Well, that's all for this edition of The Red Interview. I'd like to thank Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and our sponsor Little Jimmy Pellet Guns. Remember, if it's says Little Jimmy, it's gonna hurt like hell. I'm Hunter Red, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your dog or cat donated to that satanic cult. Night y'all!