****- Glenn Beck Stole Muhammad's iPad!!!

Playing With My New iPad

Writing up my blog post should be interesting given the fact that I'm so used to typing things up on a regular keyboard. It's not that I don't like the touch keyboard on the iPad, hell, I like the keyboard on the iPod Touch. I just wish I could type by way of feeling the keyboard, like I do at work. I don't think I've taken my eyes off the keyboard once while I am typing out this thought. At least the speaker on the iPad is really nice. Listening to Amanda Palmer's Ampersand makes me feel oddly at ease while typing out my thoughts.



The Red Interview: Beck

Hunter Red is sitting alone on a dimly lit raised platform with two chairs on it with an iPad in his hand. An overblown light display is triggered ending with the spotlight being shown on Hunter Red.
Hunter- Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. Without much further ado, let's bring out my guest. Tonight my guest is Beck.

A spotlight is shown on the right side of the stage, and Glenn Beck enters it and walks out to the raised platform and fills the other chair on the stage. Hunter Red has a disgusted look on his face as Glenn Beck makes his entrance.
Glenn Beck- Hello Hunter. Thanks for having me here tonight.
Hunter Red still has a disgusted look on his face.
Hunter- Yeah, I'll be back.
Hunter Red gets out of his chair and walks off stage carrying his iPad. The camera follows him backstage as he walks up to and begins to talk to the show's producer.
Hunter- Chris?
Chris- Yes?
H- What the hell is he doing here?
C- What?
H- Glenn Beck is my guest tonight?
C- Yes, yes he is. Do you have a problem with that?
H- Yes!
C- Why, because he's a conservative and you're a bleeding heart liberal?
H- No.
C- Then what is it?
H- I asked you to book Beck.
C- Yes, and I did that for you.
H- I didn't mean Glenn Beck.
C- Yes you did.
H- No I didn't!
C- You told me, at the start of the new season, I want you to book me Beck. You said that you loved his work and have always wanted to get inside his pants.
H- I said I wanted to get inside his head.
C- Whatever.
H- And by "he" I didn't mean him!
C- I don't follow.
H- I didn't want you to book Glenn Beck as a guest on The Red Interview, I wanted you to book Beck.
C- I DID!
H- Not that Beck, the musician Beck.
C- I don't follow.
Hunter turns on his iPad, finds the embedded video below, and plays it for Chris.

Hunter- This is the Beck I wanted you to book. The musician Beck Hansen.
Chris- I'm unfamiliar with this kind of music? Is this the music you listen to when you're high?
Hunter gets visibly frustrated.
Hunter- Jeff Beck would have been a more fitting choice than Glenn Beck.
Chris- Who?
Hunter turns off his iPad, rears back, and hits Chris with his iPad. The camera follows Hunter as he walks back to the raised platform and sits back in his chair.
Hunter- Well, I'm sorry Mr. Beck, I'm sorry to have wasted your time here today.
Glenn- What do you mean?
H- I didn't want to book you as a guest, I wanted to book the musician Beck as a guest.
G- Jeff Beck? That guy's music is great. I'm looking forward to seeing him on tour with Eric Clapton soon.
H- Yeah, so am I. Wanna play with my iPad?
G- Sure.
Hunter Red hands Glenn Beck his iPad.
Hunter- Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview for tonight. I am Hunter Red telling my producer Chris that his ass is fired.
The overblown light display is triggered. As the overblown light display turn the raised platform from a lighted one to a dimly light one, Glenn Beck is seen darting off the platform with Hunter's iPad in his hand. Hunter runs after Glenn as the scene ends.

END SCENE



Playing With My iPad's Keyboard

So I bought a keyboard for my iPad and am liking this setup much better than using the touch keyboard. I could see myself quickly typing something, like a blog post, up by quickly turning on my iPad, hooking up the keyboard, and typing away. I don't like how I have to take my iPad out of the case I bought when I bought my new toy to use this keyboard, but that can be addressed by buying another, and probably, better case. Yes, I'm spending money like it's falling from the sky, which is apropos because it's raining right now.



John Mayer In Concert

This summer, a modern day guitar marvel is coming to a town near you. This summer, a sultry ladies man is coming to a town near you. This summer John Mayer is coming to a town near you. John Mayer in concert.

John Mayer's 2010 Summer Tour is brought to you by Touche brand douche products. When you want the best douche in the world, think only of Touche.



Pages on iPad

I bought this app on iTunes that I fooled around with in the Apple Store. It's called Pages and it's supposed to be like a real word processor. It works pretty good. I mean it's no Word but it's something. At the very least I can actually see how long my blog post will be now.

I just found out I can add pictures and graphs easily to this document. Now I can share my porn and how much I spend on porn with you! YAY!!!



Consistent Inconsistency

Like many of you, I was offended by Comedy Central's action's regarding South Park's Episode 201. My offense is not driven by me thinking the Muslim prophet Muhammad is worthy of ridicule, my offense is driven by the inconsistent actions of Comedy Central.

If South Park is not allowed to show Muhammad in a less than positive light, why are they allowed to show a Hindu god doing cocaine?

If South Park is not allowed to do things that offend followers of a religion on a basic level, why was South Park allowed to criticize the translation of The Book of Mormon?

If South Park is not allowed to depict situations despite threats from religions of repercussions from depicting those things, why was South Park allowed to depict Stan Marsh as the leader of the Church Of Scientology?

If Comedy Central allows South Park to depict other religions in ways that those religions might find offensive, why draw the line at the Muslim faith? And don't just say it's because they are afraid that Muslims will blow up Comedy Central and South Park Studios. That is petty, stupid, and quite racist. I learned that lesson when I sounded off about Media Molecule altering Little Big Planet just before it was released.

****- Uncompromising And Annoying Mansluts

John Mayer Wants Bono

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone magazine, manslut and alleged rock and roll star John Mayer said that he’s searching for “The Joshua Tree of vaginas.” John also said the following:

“I want to find a vagina where I could run. I want to find a vagina where I could hide. I want to tear down the vaginal walls that hold me inside. I want to take shelter form the poison rain where the vaginas have no name.”




Annoying Man Wanted Dead Or Alive

On Monday, January 25th, in the year of your lord 2010, the 2010 Utah State Legislature got underway. As is customary, at the start of the session, the President of the Utah State Senate addressed his fellow legislators about the various issues they would be facing. This year, for the first time in memory, there was background music accompanying this speech. The choice of background music was curious to say the least.

Utah State Senate President Michael G. Waddoups, pictured above, gave a rousing speech, including an analogy equating the journey of a seashell to the journey taken when deciding on a statewide governmental budget. You would think that a speech of this nature would be accompanied by a nautical theme, say Christopher Cross’s Sailing or Sea of Time from The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” album, but that was not the case. The song playing behind Waddoups’s annual legislative address was John Williams’s The Imperial March, composed for the 1979 science fiction film “Star Wars”.

When asked about the choice of music for his speech, Mr. Waddoups said, “I didn’t choose the music for my speech, this goofy looking red headed kid who interns for me did. It sounds good though, what is it?” When informed what the song was and the connotations that come with it, Mr. Waddoups punched the reporter asking the question in the face and called him, “An insolent knave.”

Salt Lake City Police are currently searching for this man, seen here about to engage in oral sex on a Utah Transit Authority TRAX train. He is charged with disruption of legislative business, general mischief, and atheism with intent to distribute. There is currently a $4.7 Million bounty on this person’s head. He is wanted dead or alive, preferable dead.



Demon’s Souls Review

When I was a young kid, in the times before I knew the world sucked, I wanted to play on this jungle gym at my elementary school. This piece of equipment looked like such a blast. There were monkey bars, slides, a captain’s wheel, all the things that hold endless fun for kids. There was just one catch. In order to play on this jungle gym, I had to get past Travis.

Travis was a bully. More specifically he was my bully. At times I felt that the only pleasure Travis got out of life was to rob my of any pleasure I might have. Travis patrolled the jungle gym area just waiting for the opportunity to prevent me from playing on that piece of equipment. Travis was really successful at doing this. No matter what direction I came from, how fast I approached, what tactics I used in my attempts, Travis repelled me each and every time. Well, not quite every time.

One day I decided to emulate my favorite cartoon at the time and try my hand at being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I didn’t have any weapons but I did know how to kick and punch, at least I thought I did. Travis easily repelled my attempt to enter the jungle gym by merely standing there and shoving me away. In my time of desperation, I did something I have never thought of before. I kicked Travis in the balls.

This action worked surprisingly well. Travis was instantly on the ground crying and I was sprinting toward the jungle gym. Awash in the feeling of complete triumph, I began to climb the rope ladder I had long before dreamed of scaling. This is when I first met Travis’s brother Thomas.

Thomas threw me off the jungle gym so fast I know I broke the sound barrier. This memory came back to me often as I played Demon’s Souls. I swear while I was playing this game I said, “Damn you Travis! Damn you Thomas! I just want to play on the mother fucking monkey bars!”

Demon’s Souls: C-



Flame Retardant Onions

Candles are a great way to create a sense of mood and atmosphere. However they really suck as a light source. I fear that if my girlfriend doesn’t come to our split-level cookie cutter love nest soon that she’ll be welcomed by utter darkness, save this overpriced, overly pungent cylinder of wax and wax byproducts. I was planning on the light from the bay window providing sufficient light for our romantic encounter. It’s too bad that the sun eventually sets over the horizon. Also that the window in question faces east.

Maybe the lasagna I made can be of some help here. I already burnt the damn thing to a crisp. Perhaps if I leave it in the oven and jacked up the temperature I’ll have a non-stick baking pan full of fire. I don’t know where I went wrong with it. I followed the directions exactly, except for the onions. I don’t like onions. I just don’t. Whatever I eat that has onions in it tastes only of onions to me. Maybe onions are a natural flame retardant. Maybe onions would have prevented me from overcooking the lasagna. That or I could have paid more attention to my cooking instead of spending the evening playing Mario while the focus of my romantic dinner slowly turned to inedible blackness. Either way, I messed up.

As I wait for my love, looking at the various things my girlfriend uses to decorate our cookie cutter love nest, I’m more and more regretting buying this banner that’s hanging over my head. I thought I’d be clever and convey the message in complete leet speek, but even I don’t know what it says at this point, and I wrote the damn thing. “|-|4PPY \/413|\|TI|\|35 I)4Y!!1!” What? Not only is the banner impossible to read to ninety-nine percent of the population, the darker it gets the more incomprehensible those letters, numbers, and symbols get.

I hear that annoying as hell cuckoo clock begin to chime. “Cock-a-doodle-do! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Twelve times it chimes. I know that isn’t right. I know the clock is running fast. I know I should get it fixed, but I haven’t the faintest idea where I could take that damn clock to get that done. It’s one of the many perils of buying things online. That and accidentally buying a cuckoo clock that sounds like Danny DeVito. Here’s a helpful hint: Do not buy anything from a seller named “xXALWAYSSUNNYFAN420Xx”.

Here’s Robin now. Hello sugarlumps. Yes, I waited up for you and attempted to make a romantic dinner for you. I failed but at least we have wine, Ritz crackers, and more wine. That’s romantic right?

What? Yes I did burn the lasagna. There’s something else burning? Oh. Oh damn. I thought it was bright in here. I guess those candles you bought at my mother’s candle party aren’t completely worthless. They set that failtastic romantic banner on fire. Perhaps next time I’ll slather it with onions. Those are flame retardant, right?

What’s that? Oh. I love you too Robin. Happy Valentine’s Day. How would you kindly use that fire extinguisher to put out my hair?



I Am Not Kidding About This

There are very few Republican ideals that I agree with. One of those few ideals is the concept of limited government. That government should have a limited role in our everyday lives, and that while vigilant oversight is needed in many aspects of modern life, we don’t need the government watching over our shoulder ensuring that we do what is right. Utah is a heavily Republican state, but apparently Utah politicians do not believe in the concept of limited government. An argument can be made that this is manifest on Utah’s Amendment 3, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman, however a stronger argument can be made about a proclamation proposed in the current session of the Utah State Legislature by state senator, Wayne Niederhauser

New "Declaration of the Family Resolution" surfaces on Utah's capitol Hill

Quoting from the story linked above:
“Niederhause told ABC 4, "I think its good to periodically remind the public that the family is an important institution in the fabric of society."

And Niederhausder's resolution does so using very emphatic language.

Here some excerpts:

"...the sovereignty...of Utah is built upon the family unit."

"…the family is the source of all that is of benefit to humankind."

and "…the family encompasses the workmanship of the Creator..."”