****- Uncompromising And Annoying Mansluts

John Mayer Wants Bono

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone magazine, manslut and alleged rock and roll star John Mayer said that he’s searching for “The Joshua Tree of vaginas.” John also said the following:

“I want to find a vagina where I could run. I want to find a vagina where I could hide. I want to tear down the vaginal walls that hold me inside. I want to take shelter form the poison rain where the vaginas have no name.”




Annoying Man Wanted Dead Or Alive

On Monday, January 25th, in the year of your lord 2010, the 2010 Utah State Legislature got underway. As is customary, at the start of the session, the President of the Utah State Senate addressed his fellow legislators about the various issues they would be facing. This year, for the first time in memory, there was background music accompanying this speech. The choice of background music was curious to say the least.

Utah State Senate President Michael G. Waddoups, pictured above, gave a rousing speech, including an analogy equating the journey of a seashell to the journey taken when deciding on a statewide governmental budget. You would think that a speech of this nature would be accompanied by a nautical theme, say Christopher Cross’s Sailing or Sea of Time from The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” album, but that was not the case. The song playing behind Waddoups’s annual legislative address was John Williams’s The Imperial March, composed for the 1979 science fiction film “Star Wars”.

When asked about the choice of music for his speech, Mr. Waddoups said, “I didn’t choose the music for my speech, this goofy looking red headed kid who interns for me did. It sounds good though, what is it?” When informed what the song was and the connotations that come with it, Mr. Waddoups punched the reporter asking the question in the face and called him, “An insolent knave.”

Salt Lake City Police are currently searching for this man, seen here about to engage in oral sex on a Utah Transit Authority TRAX train. He is charged with disruption of legislative business, general mischief, and atheism with intent to distribute. There is currently a $4.7 Million bounty on this person’s head. He is wanted dead or alive, preferable dead.



Demon’s Souls Review

When I was a young kid, in the times before I knew the world sucked, I wanted to play on this jungle gym at my elementary school. This piece of equipment looked like such a blast. There were monkey bars, slides, a captain’s wheel, all the things that hold endless fun for kids. There was just one catch. In order to play on this jungle gym, I had to get past Travis.

Travis was a bully. More specifically he was my bully. At times I felt that the only pleasure Travis got out of life was to rob my of any pleasure I might have. Travis patrolled the jungle gym area just waiting for the opportunity to prevent me from playing on that piece of equipment. Travis was really successful at doing this. No matter what direction I came from, how fast I approached, what tactics I used in my attempts, Travis repelled me each and every time. Well, not quite every time.

One day I decided to emulate my favorite cartoon at the time and try my hand at being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I didn’t have any weapons but I did know how to kick and punch, at least I thought I did. Travis easily repelled my attempt to enter the jungle gym by merely standing there and shoving me away. In my time of desperation, I did something I have never thought of before. I kicked Travis in the balls.

This action worked surprisingly well. Travis was instantly on the ground crying and I was sprinting toward the jungle gym. Awash in the feeling of complete triumph, I began to climb the rope ladder I had long before dreamed of scaling. This is when I first met Travis’s brother Thomas.

Thomas threw me off the jungle gym so fast I know I broke the sound barrier. This memory came back to me often as I played Demon’s Souls. I swear while I was playing this game I said, “Damn you Travis! Damn you Thomas! I just want to play on the mother fucking monkey bars!”

Demon’s Souls: C-



Flame Retardant Onions

Candles are a great way to create a sense of mood and atmosphere. However they really suck as a light source. I fear that if my girlfriend doesn’t come to our split-level cookie cutter love nest soon that she’ll be welcomed by utter darkness, save this overpriced, overly pungent cylinder of wax and wax byproducts. I was planning on the light from the bay window providing sufficient light for our romantic encounter. It’s too bad that the sun eventually sets over the horizon. Also that the window in question faces east.

Maybe the lasagna I made can be of some help here. I already burnt the damn thing to a crisp. Perhaps if I leave it in the oven and jacked up the temperature I’ll have a non-stick baking pan full of fire. I don’t know where I went wrong with it. I followed the directions exactly, except for the onions. I don’t like onions. I just don’t. Whatever I eat that has onions in it tastes only of onions to me. Maybe onions are a natural flame retardant. Maybe onions would have prevented me from overcooking the lasagna. That or I could have paid more attention to my cooking instead of spending the evening playing Mario while the focus of my romantic dinner slowly turned to inedible blackness. Either way, I messed up.

As I wait for my love, looking at the various things my girlfriend uses to decorate our cookie cutter love nest, I’m more and more regretting buying this banner that’s hanging over my head. I thought I’d be clever and convey the message in complete leet speek, but even I don’t know what it says at this point, and I wrote the damn thing. “|-|4PPY \/413|\|TI|\|35 I)4Y!!1!” What? Not only is the banner impossible to read to ninety-nine percent of the population, the darker it gets the more incomprehensible those letters, numbers, and symbols get.

I hear that annoying as hell cuckoo clock begin to chime. “Cock-a-doodle-do! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Twelve times it chimes. I know that isn’t right. I know the clock is running fast. I know I should get it fixed, but I haven’t the faintest idea where I could take that damn clock to get that done. It’s one of the many perils of buying things online. That and accidentally buying a cuckoo clock that sounds like Danny DeVito. Here’s a helpful hint: Do not buy anything from a seller named “xXALWAYSSUNNYFAN420Xx”.

Here’s Robin now. Hello sugarlumps. Yes, I waited up for you and attempted to make a romantic dinner for you. I failed but at least we have wine, Ritz crackers, and more wine. That’s romantic right?

What? Yes I did burn the lasagna. There’s something else burning? Oh. Oh damn. I thought it was bright in here. I guess those candles you bought at my mother’s candle party aren’t completely worthless. They set that failtastic romantic banner on fire. Perhaps next time I’ll slather it with onions. Those are flame retardant, right?

What’s that? Oh. I love you too Robin. Happy Valentine’s Day. How would you kindly use that fire extinguisher to put out my hair?



I Am Not Kidding About This

There are very few Republican ideals that I agree with. One of those few ideals is the concept of limited government. That government should have a limited role in our everyday lives, and that while vigilant oversight is needed in many aspects of modern life, we don’t need the government watching over our shoulder ensuring that we do what is right. Utah is a heavily Republican state, but apparently Utah politicians do not believe in the concept of limited government. An argument can be made that this is manifest on Utah’s Amendment 3, which defined marriage as between a man and a woman, however a stronger argument can be made about a proclamation proposed in the current session of the Utah State Legislature by state senator, Wayne Niederhauser

New "Declaration of the Family Resolution" surfaces on Utah's capitol Hill

Quoting from the story linked above:
“Niederhause told ABC 4, "I think its good to periodically remind the public that the family is an important institution in the fabric of society."

And Niederhausder's resolution does so using very emphatic language.

Here some excerpts:

"...the sovereignty...of Utah is built upon the family unit."

"…the family is the source of all that is of benefit to humankind."

and "…the family encompasses the workmanship of the Creator..."”

****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire

FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor

The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."

So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.



Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.

This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.

In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."

In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.

When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."

The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.



Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.

So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?

Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.




Cotaahcoo

One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.

That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.

Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised

Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!

Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.

****- Lara's Dog Breaks A Window

Lara Croft's Not Available!



At recent events, such as GDC, Treasure Hunter Day at the British Museum, and the annual Redertainment Easter Bash, Alison Carroll, the model who portrays Lara Croft, has been spotted wearing a gold band on her left hand. This is traditionally a sign that someone is married.

When asked about this, Miss Carroll said, "I was tired of people endlessly hitting on me at events. This serves as an outward expression that I'm not available." When it was pointed out to her that most nerds lack social graces, and the romantic advances would probably continue unabated, Miss Carroll was heard to say, "Shit!"


Cynophobia Rears It's Cure Laid Head

One of the things I plan to do this summer is take a long vacation. I plan to go to many places, see many things, and get rejected by a ton of women.

One of the places I was planning to go was the White House. I was going to take the tour, take lots of pics, and generally enjoy myself. Those plans were officially dashed on Tuesday. Why? One word: Bo.



Cute yet frightening. Much like children.


A Day In The Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office, hard at work on the next Four Stars Blog, when his secretary, Liz, enters to give him a message.

Liz- Mr Red.
Hunter Red- Yes.
L- There's a Jack Thompson on the phone for you.
R- Why is he calling me? Is he upset about something I wrote?
L- No, he wants to talk about the situation between himself and Mike Waddoups.
R- What line is he on?
L- Two.
R- Thank you.
Liz leaves as Hunter picks up the phone.
R- Hello.
Thompson- Is this Hunter Red?
R- Speaking.
T- I want to talk to you about the outrageous situation that's developed between myself and Mike Waddoups.
R- Okay, I'm listening.
T- I thought I had this support. He helped me craft the legislation, rallied support for it, even voted for it. But when one thing goes wrong, like that heathen governor vetoing the bill, he bails. Has he always been this flaky?
R- You think maybe you did something to aggravate him?
T- Like what?
R- Mike Waddoups is a Mormon.
T- So?
R- And the Mormon Church frowns on pornography.
T- And?
R- Because Mike Waddoups is a Mormon, and the Mormon Church frowns on pornography, it is reasonable to say that Waddoups frowns on pornography and would therefore not appreciate someone sending it to him over and over and over.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Did you see the pornographic image, because I can send it to you.
R- No, I don't need you to send me anything.
Hunter's computer chimes.
T- You get that thing I sent ya?
Hunter goes over to his computer and opens a message.
R- Yeah, I see it.
T- Does it offend you like it offends me?
R- No, not really.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause I can fax it to ya.
R- Do we even have fax machines in this office?
A machine in Hunter's office begins to hum and wirr. Hunter then hears several more machines start to turn on similarly.
T- I didn't know which fax number was yours, so I sent it to all the numbers in your office.
The machine in Hunter's office spits out a piece of paper. Hunter picks up the paper then says-
R- Oh no.
L- What the hell?
Thomas Anderson- Why am I receiving this? Who sent this through the Matrix?
Seifer Kinneas- Score! Free porn!
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Yeah, several people in my office did.
SK- Finally, something to replace Penthouse.
T- Does it offend you like it does me?
R- No, in fact, I'm offended that you re-sent this to me.
SK- Hey Liz, you wanna try what's in this picture?
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause there's another way I can deliver it to ya.
R- How else are you going to deliver the image to me?
As Hunter finished that sentence, the window in his office broke.
R- What the hell?
Hunter gets up to look at the shattered glass and finds a rock among the glass. Hunter goes to the window and looks out to see Jack standing on top of a panel wan.
R- What the fuck are you doing?
T- Look!
Jack points down at the panel van. On the side of the panel van, in full color and detail, is the picture in question.
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Jack, it might be illegal to send pornographic images repeatedly to a public official. It could be illegal to fax pornographic images to an entire office. However, it IS illegal to have a pornographic image plastered on the side of a panel van parked out in public view.
T- So you agree it's a pornographic image!
R- No, Jack, NO!
T- You said it, you agree with me! Hunter agrees with me, he thinks GTA should be banned.
Jack starts to parade around and repeat his last sentence as Hunter fruitlessly pleads for him to stop. This continues until, all of a sudden, a dart is shot into Jack's neck. Jack falls off the panel van and lands with a thud on the sidewalk. Hunter is puzzled by this event. Looking out the window, he leans forward and looks directly down to see Bill Allred with a dart gun in his hand.
Bill- Hey Hunter.
R- Hey Bill.
B- I was wondering if you could do something for me.
R- Sure, what?
B- Can you work in a plug for Delightful Water Universe into your blog post this week?
R- Sure, I'll try.
B- Thanks.
R- No problem.
Hunter pulls his head from his window and sits back at his desk. Hunter studies the picture Jack sent him for a moment and says-
R- Anyone who'd get their rocks off to that is one pathetic puppy.
Hunter deletes the image and gets back to work.
THE END