OnioNSA

Despite the reputation it has as our shadowy overlord who knows all that we do, the National Security Agency may be dummer than we think.  On Friday, reports started circulating about the NSA attempting to hack Tor, The Onion Router, a service which provides it's users with the ability to hide their online activities.  The NSA is motivated to hack Tor due to Tor's use by dissidents, terrorist, political activists, and people looking to download the latest episode of Homeland.  However, it now appears that the NSA first started to hack Tor in a way that is just plain stupid.

Over the weekend, a source revealed to this publication that when the NSA first attempted to hack Tor, what they were actually attempting to hack was onions.  Yes, onions,  a vegetable that is the most widely cultivated species of the genus Allium.   This source, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that when the NSA learned that "Tor" stood for "The Onion Router", they took that name literally and assumed that Tor derived it's capabilities from an onion's ability to make a grown man cry, which is something that the NSA has failed to do up to this point.

NSA's attempts to literally hack onions may explain the video posted above.  In it Anthony Gucciardi, as well as his two camera operators, attempt to approach the newly build NSA Data Center located near Bluffdale, Utah.  While it appears that this video was tailor made for the online conspiracy theorists out there, a look into Anthony Gucciardi's reveals something else.  Mr. Gucciardi is a contributor to several websites, including MarthaStewart.com.  In fact, Mr. Gucciardi is credited with creating this recipe for Spring Onion Soup.  This publication's anonymous NSA source also revealed to this reporter that, in addition to a large and secretive computer facility, there is a large onion patch on the massive complex staffed by the NSA.  This, our source asserts, is the real reason why Mr. Gucciardi wanted to approach the NSA Data Center, and that Mr. Gucciardi was using conspiracy theories as a cover.

When reached for comment about this story, NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis was only heard to have said, "How the fuck did you get this number?"

****- The Mesmerizing And Totally Gay Snowmobile Chase

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony Review

As an America, I like to eat many things, often in large quantities. Giant pizzas, long pieces of celery, big bags of lard, anything and everything that will not cause me to fall into an immediate critical state. Falling into a critical state several years after consumption of that giant bag of lard sure, but not immediately. However there is one food product that I absolutely refuse to eat. This is not a man made food product like spam or cauliflower but one that is naturally grown in the natural ground and picked by natural people who naturally have obscenely low salaries. I speak, of course, of onions.

I hate onions. Absolutely and completely, I HATE onions. I have a legitimate reason why I hate onions, not like why I hate Alan Alda. Whenever I eat something with onions in it all I can taste is the onions. Whether it’s a big slice of onion or a tiny wedge mixed into my eggs, I will only taste the onions. I could be eating foie gras on top of a thick porterhouse steak with a glass of Merlo to drink and if there is the one speck of onion serves with that meal, all I will taste is the onions. It’s not that I hate the taste of onions it’s that the flavor of the onions overwhelms the meal for me. The way that onions ruin a meal for me is much like the helicopter controls in the new downloadable episode for Grand Theft Auto IV.

The helicopters in GTAIV handled poorly from the start. Trying to land on a specific location was a long and arduous chore, attacking specific targets was nearly impossible unless you just fired indiscriminately, and the general style of the helicopters? I’ve seen better paint jobs come out of my niece’s kindergarten class.

You think that, given how many mission utilize helicopters, Rockstar would have addressed helicopter handling like they did with the motorcycle controls for The Lost and Damned, but no. The helicopters handle just as horribly in the Ballad of Gay Tony as they do in the original Grand Theft Auto IV and the expansion suffers for it. It’s not an awful game, as my grade will reflect, but the Ballad of Gay Tony would have been greatly improved if Rockstar had done something, anything, to make the experience of flying a helicopter in any way better.

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony: B-



Modern Warfare 2 Review

Remember Halo 3? How there was big hype about that game before it was released, then it was released and people loved it? Then the honeymoon ended and Halo 3 became the token reference for overhyping and underperforming? It wasn’t that Halo 3 was bad, it just wasn’t the Holy Grail. Well on November 10th, 2009 Modern Warfare 2 was released, and guess what? The honeymoon is over.

5:32:56. It took me exactly five hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. Come on. It took me eight hours to beat Halo 3. 5:32:56? That’s about how long you should cook a roast for, not finish a current generation video game.

And I hammered Resident Evil 5 for having a series of really good action packed levels half-assedly patched together with a horrid story. Guess what? Modern Warfare 2 has that as well! They have a level in the game with a bitching snowmobile chase topped off with a bad ass jump. Yes it was a great level but what did it have to do with anything? There was even a level where you have to make your way through an active battle where you are the enemy of both sides of the fight. This level was nice, but it was better when Metal Gear Solid 4 did it.

Halo 3 is one of those games that has a less than adequate single player experience but kicks ass in multiplayer. Since its release, Halo 3 has managed to remain among the most actively played games over Live and has grown and evolved to suit gamers’ preferences. Modern Warfare 2 has a less than adequate single player experience but appears to kick ass in multiplayer. Perhaps Modern Warfare 2 will have the same kind of enduring impact that Halo 3 did but that won’t save it from inheriting the token reference Halo 3 once held.

Modern Warfare 2: B+



Uncharted 2 First Impressions

I’m finding this Chloe woman to be very attractive. Yes she’s in 720p and would probably look better in 1080p but at least she’s not in standard definition where she might look like this.


What I especially like about Chloe is her eyes. Yes she has a nice ass and a personality to die for, but Chloe’s eyes just take my breath away. Chloe has the kind of eyes that are no mesmerizing that if you looked at them she could get you to willingly say, “Yes, I will stick my hand in a wood chipper.”

By the way, I lost my job recently. I didn’t lose my job because of the economic downturn or because of absenteeism. I just can’t currently reach the same level of productivity that I had reached previously. I just simply can’t type as quickly as before only using my left hand.

By the way, The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming January 3rd, 2010.