****- The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards

The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards

Welcome to The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. This year we are proud to say that we have doubled the amount of judges determining the awards compared to last year. We have increased the judge count from two to four. (Hold for applause.) We at the Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to have as our judges Shiroen8, courtesy of the Dead Pixel Live forums, Hydroponic, courtesy of 1UP, Tommy Ingallinera, courtesy of Bitmob, and Hunter Red, courtesy of Completedumbass.com.

Without further ado, let the awards commence.



Downloadable Game Of The Year
Nominees- Battlefield 1943, Fallout 3 DLC, Fat Princess, Grand Theft Auto IV DLC, Revenge Of The Ball, Shadow Complex, Trials HD, Zen Pinball

In a year filled with substantial console downloadable content and fully integrated multiplayer experiences, our winner managed to do something that people openly dismissed. Chair Entertainment managed to create a current generation high definition Metroid-style two dimensional side scrolling shooter. Shadow Complex reaches back into legendary past and brings it into the realm of now.

The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Downloadable Game Of The Year is Shadow Complex.



PS3 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Demon’s Souls, Infamous, Modern Warfare 2, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

The Playstation 3 seems to have gained a lot of momentum this year. Between the price cut, the PS3 Slim, and the increased adoption of Blu-Ray, Sony has greatly decreased the distance between its console and Microsoft’s Xbox 360. However what makes and breaks any console is its games and the Playstation 3 had plenty of stellar releases this year. While choosing one may discount the others, one must be chosen to receive this award.

The first Uncharted title was a stellar early title in the history of the Playstation 3. Uncharted 2 is a must own. The graphics are top notch, the story seems ripped form an adventure movie, and the voice talent actually conveys that they have talent. But the gameplay is what sets this game apart from the rest. Combat elements that are usually reserved for first person shooters, enemies that actually have brains instead of just hollow cavities for bullets to pass through, and levels that are designed to be as beautiful as they are challenging.

The winner of The Four Star Gaming Awards for PS3 Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.



Wii Game Of The Year
Nominees- Dead Space: Extraction, The Demon Blade, Madworld, President Cat, Tiger Woods PGA 10, Wii Sex(Not an actual game but a video on Youtube)

There are people who wonder aloud if a mature themed game can be successful on the Wii. These people include many game developers. Fortunately some developers have taken this risk, it’s just unfortunate that these developers aren’t rewarded more.

Madworld from Sega is a game that feels like the plot of The Running Man set in the world of Escape From New York, all done in black and white. Madworld is a game that doesn’t shy away from its brutality. In fact, it seems to revel in it. Creativity is clearly rewarded in this game, namely really creatively slaughtering people.

The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Wii Game Of The Year is Madworld.



Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Borderlands, Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony, Halo Wars, Prototype

Batman as a video game franchise is one that was hurt by games that are described as abysmal, horrendous, terrible, and other synonyms for extremely bad. Because of this, when Rocksteady announced they were working on a Batman game skepticism was high. Skepticism was also high because, until this year, Rocksteady was not a well known company. Boy did this company deliver.

Batman: Arkham Asylum is a game that has received praise from nearly everybody that has played it. Even Marvel Comics fans have to give props to this DC triumph. There is a reason why when the Batman: Arkham Asylum 2 trailer played at the VGAs it got the reaction it did, because Rocksteady created a game that left the gaming public yearning for more.

The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Xbox 360 Game Of The Year is Batman: Arkham Asylum.



Disappointment Of The Year
Nominees- Bionic Commando, Cross Edge, King Of Fighters XII, the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2, Resident Evil 5, Scribblenauts

As good as many of the games of 2009 were, some were just plain disappointing. Whether it was not living up to the precedent set before, not living up to the legend of the original, not living up to the hype generated at an event, or just plain kicking fans in the nuts, game companies are finding new and revolutionary ways to disappoint the gaming public. This award is presented in order to point out and bring an end to gaming disappointments. That will never happen but we can try.

Resident Evil is one of those game franchises that people just adore. It is said of the survival horror genre that you are either a Silent Hill fan or a Resident Evil fan. Resident Evil 5 was a game that received a lot of hype but failed to deliver in a way that was so disappointing.

Sheva sucks. Period. She has no redeeming qualities, no true positive aspects, and is as dumb as a barren rock. You basically have to play this game in co-op because to endure Sheva is to truly know what suffering is in a video game setting.

The narrative is RE5 is downright insulting. It appears as if they just created a bunch of levels and threw together a story to vaguely connect them, Given the widely variant levels in RE5 this was a near impossible job. How they connected an ancient labyrinthine tomb to a modern state of the art scientific laboratory is something I still have not figured out.

Resident Evil 5 is a game that was treated as a Triple A title but failed to live up to that level of excellence. That is why Resident Evil 5 is receiving The Four Star Gaming Award for Disappointment Of The Year.



Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award
Now we come to the least serious award of the night, and, unfortunately, several of our judges approached it in just that way. Nominees for this award included Taco Bell, for barely being food, The Situation from Jersey Shore, for the abs he has dubbed “The Situation”, and Crossing The Rubicon by The Sounds, for Swedish Rock never rocked me so good before in my life. We did receive some serious nominations, and from among those a winner has been chosen. Here it is.

Quentin Tarantino is an American filmmaker whose work one must watch in order to truly know what American films are. Mr. Tarantino has brought us many iconic characters. The Bride from Kill Bill, Stuntman Mike from Death Proof, and Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction are just some of these characters. In 2009 Quentin gave us another iconic character, however in order for a character to be great it must be played by an actor who can make full use of the opportunity for greatness. Christoph Waltz did exactly that.

The first scene of Inglorious Basterds sets up Col. Hans Lander, the Jew Hunter, perfectly. Charismatic, well spoken, and evil. These characteristics are further shown in the crepe scene in the restaurant with Shosanna, and the confrontation of the conspirator Bridget von Hammersmark. Christoph Waltz pulls off this character brilliantly. Never once is the illusion broken with the Jew Hunter, like it unfortunately is with Brad Pitt’s Aldo Raine. Hans Lander is the kind of evil presence you love to see at work but wince when you actually see his work.

For his portrayal of The Jew Hunter in Inglorious Basterds, The Four Star Gaming Award in the category of Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award goes to Christoph Waltz.

Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Demon’s Souls, Madworld, Prototype, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

This year there were many stellar games over all of the current generation consoles. In an environment like this, you’d think it would be hard to chose one game above all others. However, one game managed to stand tall among the others in ways that in impossible to ignore. Not much can be said this game that hasn’t already been said, except for this.

The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.



So there you have it, the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. We’d like to thank our judges Shiroen8, Hydroponic, Tommy Ingallinera, and Hunter Red for contributing to this year’s awards. Next year should be another great year for the video game industry, giving much inspiration for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. Hope to see you then.

****- Lying For Chloe Frazer

Too Low For Zero- Track #2

Hunter Red is working in his office when his secretary, Liz, pokes her head in through the office door.
Liz- Hunter.
Hunter- Yes?
Liz- Your ex-girlfriend is on the phone, should I put her through?
An overwhelming feeling of dread comes over Hunter at that moment. Hunter can barely articulate what he says next.
Hunter- Yes, put it through. I knew this was going to happen eventually and the longer I put it off the worst it gets.
Hunter picks up the phone expecting his most recent ex-girlfriend, Gwen Scarlet, to be on the other end.
Hunter- Hello?
Voice On Phone- Hi Hunter, it’s been so long, how are you?
The voice on the phone is not Gwen, it’s another one of Hunter’s exes, Carrie Prejean.

Hunter- Carrie? Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again. How are you?
Carrie- Great. I did the whole pageant thing, I met Donald Trump-
H- How many times did he hit on you?
C- 57. Anyway, I kind of need a favor from you.
H- Okay, what kind of favor do you need from me?
C- Well, I’ve got this book coming out-
H- Which you’ve named after an Elton John song.
There is a short pause.
C- Really?
H- Yep, a rather famous Elton John song.
C- Aw damn it! Anyway, I need to promote this book and I need something more than just interviews.
H- Okay?
C- Do you remember that vacation we went on together?
There is a short pause.
H- Yeah. The one where we had lots of ungodly sex and took lots of pictures and videos of each other nude or semi-nude?
C- Exactly.
H- What about it?
C- I want to release one of those videos online.
There is a short pause.
H- Why?
C- To spark a mini-scandal that will get my name in the news and increase sales of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
H- You mean I’m Still Standing.
C- Oh yeah, that’s right.
H- Well, I’m okay with that. I’ve been looking for a way to get my big red penis on the internet.
C- Actually, the video I want to release doesn’t have you in it.
H- It doesn’t.
C- No.
H- Well then which one do you mean?
C- The video of just me masturbating.
There is a short pause.
H- Ah yes, I remember it well.
C- I figured you would.
H- So why do you need my permission to release it? You shot the video with your camera on your film in a room you paid for. Why do I need to be involved?
C- I’m not looking for your permission, I need you to lie for me.
H- Do you mean lying in the biblical sense or lying like Dick Cheney does constantly?
C- The second one, although I do disagree with you about that.
H- Oh course. So, what do you need me to lie about?
C- I need you to lie about how old I was when I made that video.
There is a short pause.
C- Hello.
There is a short pause.
H- How old do you need me to say you were?
C- Seventeen.
H- Seventeen? Why seventeen?
C- So that websites that are weary of child pornography laws will either not host the video or quickly take it down.
H- But doesn’t that defeat the purpose of releasing the video?
C- No. The very existence of that video will generate the controversy that I need. Whether anyone really see it or not is irrelevant. Besides, if people actually see the video they might dismiss it as a waste of film, just like the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
H- Okay, I can see your point.
C- So will you lie for me pookie?
H- Not a chance schnookums.
C- Why not? I thought an amoral atheist like you would enjoy deceiving people?
H- But if I tried to deceive people like this, I would fail.
C- Why?
H- do you know how much of a dork I was when I was seventeen? No one would believe I could pull a girl as hot as you back then.
C- No one would believe you could pull a girl like me now.
H- True, but it’s more unbelievable back when I was seventeen.
C- So you won’t lie for me?
H- Nope.
C- What if I agree to lie with you once again?
H- Sorry, I already have a significantly hotter woman who I already lie with on a regular basis.
C- You engage in pre-marital sex?
H- You betcha.
C- Heathen!
Carrie hangs up the phone, ending the call. Hunter takes the phone away from his ear, looks at it and says-
H- Hypocrite.
Hunter hangs up the phone and goes back to work.

END SCENE



Uncharted 2 Review

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I suffer from Cynophobia. Cynophobia is the psychological term for fear of dogs. I have a crippling paralyzing fear of dogs, ALL dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, dogs that climb- wait, I’ve done that joke recently.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Nothing I have don’t to address this problem has seemed to work. Traditional clinical therapy, anti-anxiety medication, experimental therapeutic strategies, discredited approaches, none of it has come close to working. I find it incredibly frustrating that I have yet to find an effective strategy to deal with my cynophobia, especially since many of my neighbors own creatures that bring me much fear.

Look out, it’s going to eat you!

The only solace I can find in the admission by others of their own crippling psychological fears. An example of this came at the end of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. In the final scene of this completely beautiful game experience, Nathan Drake admits to being absolutely afraid of clowns. Drake admits that on a scale of one to ten, four being Elena dying and eight being the nearly invincible horned creatures that stalk Drake though the ending passages of the game, clowns rank as a ten in terms of scariness. Oh shit, is that a spoiler? Damnit!

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves: A

****- The Mesmerizing And Totally Gay Snowmobile Chase

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony Review

As an America, I like to eat many things, often in large quantities. Giant pizzas, long pieces of celery, big bags of lard, anything and everything that will not cause me to fall into an immediate critical state. Falling into a critical state several years after consumption of that giant bag of lard sure, but not immediately. However there is one food product that I absolutely refuse to eat. This is not a man made food product like spam or cauliflower but one that is naturally grown in the natural ground and picked by natural people who naturally have obscenely low salaries. I speak, of course, of onions.

I hate onions. Absolutely and completely, I HATE onions. I have a legitimate reason why I hate onions, not like why I hate Alan Alda. Whenever I eat something with onions in it all I can taste is the onions. Whether it’s a big slice of onion or a tiny wedge mixed into my eggs, I will only taste the onions. I could be eating foie gras on top of a thick porterhouse steak with a glass of Merlo to drink and if there is the one speck of onion serves with that meal, all I will taste is the onions. It’s not that I hate the taste of onions it’s that the flavor of the onions overwhelms the meal for me. The way that onions ruin a meal for me is much like the helicopter controls in the new downloadable episode for Grand Theft Auto IV.

The helicopters in GTAIV handled poorly from the start. Trying to land on a specific location was a long and arduous chore, attacking specific targets was nearly impossible unless you just fired indiscriminately, and the general style of the helicopters? I’ve seen better paint jobs come out of my niece’s kindergarten class.

You think that, given how many mission utilize helicopters, Rockstar would have addressed helicopter handling like they did with the motorcycle controls for The Lost and Damned, but no. The helicopters handle just as horribly in the Ballad of Gay Tony as they do in the original Grand Theft Auto IV and the expansion suffers for it. It’s not an awful game, as my grade will reflect, but the Ballad of Gay Tony would have been greatly improved if Rockstar had done something, anything, to make the experience of flying a helicopter in any way better.

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony: B-



Modern Warfare 2 Review

Remember Halo 3? How there was big hype about that game before it was released, then it was released and people loved it? Then the honeymoon ended and Halo 3 became the token reference for overhyping and underperforming? It wasn’t that Halo 3 was bad, it just wasn’t the Holy Grail. Well on November 10th, 2009 Modern Warfare 2 was released, and guess what? The honeymoon is over.

5:32:56. It took me exactly five hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. Come on. It took me eight hours to beat Halo 3. 5:32:56? That’s about how long you should cook a roast for, not finish a current generation video game.

And I hammered Resident Evil 5 for having a series of really good action packed levels half-assedly patched together with a horrid story. Guess what? Modern Warfare 2 has that as well! They have a level in the game with a bitching snowmobile chase topped off with a bad ass jump. Yes it was a great level but what did it have to do with anything? There was even a level where you have to make your way through an active battle where you are the enemy of both sides of the fight. This level was nice, but it was better when Metal Gear Solid 4 did it.

Halo 3 is one of those games that has a less than adequate single player experience but kicks ass in multiplayer. Since its release, Halo 3 has managed to remain among the most actively played games over Live and has grown and evolved to suit gamers’ preferences. Modern Warfare 2 has a less than adequate single player experience but appears to kick ass in multiplayer. Perhaps Modern Warfare 2 will have the same kind of enduring impact that Halo 3 did but that won’t save it from inheriting the token reference Halo 3 once held.

Modern Warfare 2: B+



Uncharted 2 First Impressions

I’m finding this Chloe woman to be very attractive. Yes she’s in 720p and would probably look better in 1080p but at least she’s not in standard definition where she might look like this.


What I especially like about Chloe is her eyes. Yes she has a nice ass and a personality to die for, but Chloe’s eyes just take my breath away. Chloe has the kind of eyes that are no mesmerizing that if you looked at them she could get you to willingly say, “Yes, I will stick my hand in a wood chipper.”

By the way, I lost my job recently. I didn’t lose my job because of the economic downturn or because of absenteeism. I just can’t currently reach the same level of productivity that I had reached previously. I just simply can’t type as quickly as before only using my left hand.

By the way, The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming January 3rd, 2010.