****- Lying For Chloe Frazer

Too Low For Zero- Track #2

Hunter Red is working in his office when his secretary, Liz, pokes her head in through the office door.
Liz- Hunter.
Hunter- Yes?
Liz- Your ex-girlfriend is on the phone, should I put her through?
An overwhelming feeling of dread comes over Hunter at that moment. Hunter can barely articulate what he says next.
Hunter- Yes, put it through. I knew this was going to happen eventually and the longer I put it off the worst it gets.
Hunter picks up the phone expecting his most recent ex-girlfriend, Gwen Scarlet, to be on the other end.
Hunter- Hello?
Voice On Phone- Hi Hunter, it’s been so long, how are you?
The voice on the phone is not Gwen, it’s another one of Hunter’s exes, Carrie Prejean.

Hunter- Carrie? Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again. How are you?
Carrie- Great. I did the whole pageant thing, I met Donald Trump-
H- How many times did he hit on you?
C- 57. Anyway, I kind of need a favor from you.
H- Okay, what kind of favor do you need from me?
C- Well, I’ve got this book coming out-
H- Which you’ve named after an Elton John song.
There is a short pause.
C- Really?
H- Yep, a rather famous Elton John song.
C- Aw damn it! Anyway, I need to promote this book and I need something more than just interviews.
H- Okay?
C- Do you remember that vacation we went on together?
There is a short pause.
H- Yeah. The one where we had lots of ungodly sex and took lots of pictures and videos of each other nude or semi-nude?
C- Exactly.
H- What about it?
C- I want to release one of those videos online.
There is a short pause.
H- Why?
C- To spark a mini-scandal that will get my name in the news and increase sales of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
H- You mean I’m Still Standing.
C- Oh yeah, that’s right.
H- Well, I’m okay with that. I’ve been looking for a way to get my big red penis on the internet.
C- Actually, the video I want to release doesn’t have you in it.
H- It doesn’t.
C- No.
H- Well then which one do you mean?
C- The video of just me masturbating.
There is a short pause.
H- Ah yes, I remember it well.
C- I figured you would.
H- So why do you need my permission to release it? You shot the video with your camera on your film in a room you paid for. Why do I need to be involved?
C- I’m not looking for your permission, I need you to lie for me.
H- Do you mean lying in the biblical sense or lying like Dick Cheney does constantly?
C- The second one, although I do disagree with you about that.
H- Oh course. So, what do you need me to lie about?
C- I need you to lie about how old I was when I made that video.
There is a short pause.
C- Hello.
There is a short pause.
H- How old do you need me to say you were?
C- Seventeen.
H- Seventeen? Why seventeen?
C- So that websites that are weary of child pornography laws will either not host the video or quickly take it down.
H- But doesn’t that defeat the purpose of releasing the video?
C- No. The very existence of that video will generate the controversy that I need. Whether anyone really see it or not is irrelevant. Besides, if people actually see the video they might dismiss it as a waste of film, just like the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
H- Okay, I can see your point.
C- So will you lie for me pookie?
H- Not a chance schnookums.
C- Why not? I thought an amoral atheist like you would enjoy deceiving people?
H- But if I tried to deceive people like this, I would fail.
C- Why?
H- do you know how much of a dork I was when I was seventeen? No one would believe I could pull a girl as hot as you back then.
C- No one would believe you could pull a girl like me now.
H- True, but it’s more unbelievable back when I was seventeen.
C- So you won’t lie for me?
H- Nope.
C- What if I agree to lie with you once again?
H- Sorry, I already have a significantly hotter woman who I already lie with on a regular basis.
C- You engage in pre-marital sex?
H- You betcha.
C- Heathen!
Carrie hangs up the phone, ending the call. Hunter takes the phone away from his ear, looks at it and says-
H- Hypocrite.
Hunter hangs up the phone and goes back to work.

END SCENE



Uncharted 2 Review

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but I suffer from Cynophobia. Cynophobia is the psychological term for fear of dogs. I have a crippling paralyzing fear of dogs, ALL dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, dogs that climb- wait, I’ve done that joke recently.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Nothing I have don’t to address this problem has seemed to work. Traditional clinical therapy, anti-anxiety medication, experimental therapeutic strategies, discredited approaches, none of it has come close to working. I find it incredibly frustrating that I have yet to find an effective strategy to deal with my cynophobia, especially since many of my neighbors own creatures that bring me much fear.

Look out, it’s going to eat you!

The only solace I can find in the admission by others of their own crippling psychological fears. An example of this came at the end of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. In the final scene of this completely beautiful game experience, Nathan Drake admits to being absolutely afraid of clowns. Drake admits that on a scale of one to ten, four being Elena dying and eight being the nearly invincible horned creatures that stalk Drake though the ending passages of the game, clowns rank as a ten in terms of scariness. Oh shit, is that a spoiler? Damnit!

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves: A

****- The Mesmerizing And Totally Gay Snowmobile Chase

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony Review

As an America, I like to eat many things, often in large quantities. Giant pizzas, long pieces of celery, big bags of lard, anything and everything that will not cause me to fall into an immediate critical state. Falling into a critical state several years after consumption of that giant bag of lard sure, but not immediately. However there is one food product that I absolutely refuse to eat. This is not a man made food product like spam or cauliflower but one that is naturally grown in the natural ground and picked by natural people who naturally have obscenely low salaries. I speak, of course, of onions.

I hate onions. Absolutely and completely, I HATE onions. I have a legitimate reason why I hate onions, not like why I hate Alan Alda. Whenever I eat something with onions in it all I can taste is the onions. Whether it’s a big slice of onion or a tiny wedge mixed into my eggs, I will only taste the onions. I could be eating foie gras on top of a thick porterhouse steak with a glass of Merlo to drink and if there is the one speck of onion serves with that meal, all I will taste is the onions. It’s not that I hate the taste of onions it’s that the flavor of the onions overwhelms the meal for me. The way that onions ruin a meal for me is much like the helicopter controls in the new downloadable episode for Grand Theft Auto IV.

The helicopters in GTAIV handled poorly from the start. Trying to land on a specific location was a long and arduous chore, attacking specific targets was nearly impossible unless you just fired indiscriminately, and the general style of the helicopters? I’ve seen better paint jobs come out of my niece’s kindergarten class.

You think that, given how many mission utilize helicopters, Rockstar would have addressed helicopter handling like they did with the motorcycle controls for The Lost and Damned, but no. The helicopters handle just as horribly in the Ballad of Gay Tony as they do in the original Grand Theft Auto IV and the expansion suffers for it. It’s not an awful game, as my grade will reflect, but the Ballad of Gay Tony would have been greatly improved if Rockstar had done something, anything, to make the experience of flying a helicopter in any way better.

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony: B-



Modern Warfare 2 Review

Remember Halo 3? How there was big hype about that game before it was released, then it was released and people loved it? Then the honeymoon ended and Halo 3 became the token reference for overhyping and underperforming? It wasn’t that Halo 3 was bad, it just wasn’t the Holy Grail. Well on November 10th, 2009 Modern Warfare 2 was released, and guess what? The honeymoon is over.

5:32:56. It took me exactly five hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. Come on. It took me eight hours to beat Halo 3. 5:32:56? That’s about how long you should cook a roast for, not finish a current generation video game.

And I hammered Resident Evil 5 for having a series of really good action packed levels half-assedly patched together with a horrid story. Guess what? Modern Warfare 2 has that as well! They have a level in the game with a bitching snowmobile chase topped off with a bad ass jump. Yes it was a great level but what did it have to do with anything? There was even a level where you have to make your way through an active battle where you are the enemy of both sides of the fight. This level was nice, but it was better when Metal Gear Solid 4 did it.

Halo 3 is one of those games that has a less than adequate single player experience but kicks ass in multiplayer. Since its release, Halo 3 has managed to remain among the most actively played games over Live and has grown and evolved to suit gamers’ preferences. Modern Warfare 2 has a less than adequate single player experience but appears to kick ass in multiplayer. Perhaps Modern Warfare 2 will have the same kind of enduring impact that Halo 3 did but that won’t save it from inheriting the token reference Halo 3 once held.

Modern Warfare 2: B+



Uncharted 2 First Impressions

I’m finding this Chloe woman to be very attractive. Yes she’s in 720p and would probably look better in 1080p but at least she’s not in standard definition where she might look like this.


What I especially like about Chloe is her eyes. Yes she has a nice ass and a personality to die for, but Chloe’s eyes just take my breath away. Chloe has the kind of eyes that are no mesmerizing that if you looked at them she could get you to willingly say, “Yes, I will stick my hand in a wood chipper.”

By the way, I lost my job recently. I didn’t lose my job because of the economic downturn or because of absenteeism. I just can’t currently reach the same level of productivity that I had reached previously. I just simply can’t type as quickly as before only using my left hand.

By the way, The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are coming January 3rd, 2010.

****- Hot Women Read My Blog? ORLY?

First Paris Hilton, Now Mischa Barton, Who's The Next Worthless Bitch To Encroach On My Hobby!

Recently a new trailer all but confirmed all of the villains that will appear in the hotly anticipated Batman: Arkham Asylum. However, like many other games, some late changes have been made to this game's villain lineup. None of the previously seen villains have been cut, but rather one has been added. This is a villain that has not appeared in any Batman related project to this point, but is a character based on events in the semi-real world.

Recently former relevant person Mischa Barton was checked into the psychiatric ward at Cedar Sinai Medical Center against her will. This had led to rampant and hurtful speculation as to what drove her there. This includes one unapologetic jackass who said she was there because she suffers from the delusion that the OC was a relevant and good television program.

Inspired by this tragic yet funny event, Rocksteady Studios, the developer behind Batman: Arkham Asylum, decided to add a new villain based a certain person who used to contribute positively to society. This new villain, named Vapid Wayste, is a costumed female who in her past was once a threat to all of humanity, especially the smart people. Recently Vapid Wayste has been doing nothing but smoking cigarettes and consuming prescription pills like most kids consume M&M's.

Saul Silver, a designer for Rocksteady Studios, released the following statement about this new villain. "One day we were high and we had an idea we thought was totally fucking awesome at the time. Upon reflection, we were totally fucking wrong about that. We're going to go forward with it anyway. After all, if people didn't go forward with ideas they knew were totally wrong for everyone, the OC would have never existed."

Batman: Arkham Asylum is set for release on August 25th. Mischa Barton is expected to be formally committed as soon as they can remove all the cigarettes from her house. Projected date for this is March 19th 2017.




Commodities. Yay! (Sarcasm Emoticon)

Now is the time when we here at the Redertainment Corporation Of America take a minute to look at the commodities market.

Today the price of a barrel of crude oil set for delivery in September rose $.35 to a six week high of $65.97. This rise is attributed to continuing tensions in the middle east, particularly in Iraq and Iran. This rise was stifled by the recent announcement of increased drilling off the coast of California.

The price of heating oil fell $1.16 to a five year low of $10.16 today. This decline was driven by projections of above average temperatures for the winter months caused by global climate change. This drop was made worse by the weakening of the US dollay against the Euro and the Yen.

Also today the price of natural gas rose by $.15 to a price of $67.24. This is in line with a trend in the price of natural gas, having increased $25.97 since the beginning of fiscal year 2006. The increase in the price of natural gas is attributed by increased consumption by municipal transit systems, particularly in areas where the price of gasoline is relatively high. This trend is expected to continue until automobiles with higher gas mileages become more prevalent in the market.

In a shocking turn of events, the value of Brent Crude rose by $.64 to a value of $66.64. This breaks the deflationary trend in the value of Brent Crude that had persisted unabated since March of 2001. When asked to comment on this sudden change, Mr. Crude said, "This week I put down a pre-order for the Prestige Edition of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Those night vision goggles are so bad ass." This uptick in Brent Crude's value is being attributed to the future possibility that Mr. Crude will have an increased opposite gender desirability quotient, possibly because of his future possession of night vision goggles. This increase in Mr. Crude's opposite gender desirability quotient is expected to be especially strong among females who are intoxicated, have a less than average personal value perception, or are otherwise easier to engage in human sexual intercourse with. The increase in the value of Brent Crude is not expected to last long as Mr. Crude's current domestic residence is his maternal life giver's basement.

That does it for the Redertaiment Corporation Of America's look at the current standings of the commodities market. We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick joke.



ORLY 2.0?

The picture shown above is the one of the many images containing the ORLY Owl. This is a popular internet meme among people who spend too much time online. Recently a new entry in the ORLY universe has surfaced. Ladies, gentleman, and everyone else, I present to you the ORLY Racist Nutbag.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Born Identity
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

2:45 in.



Red Eats Out (Insert Sex Joke Here)

Hunter Red, pictured above, goes out on a Sunday morning to eat at a local restaurant. Hunter is seated, receives his meal, and begins to eat. While Hunter is eating, the restaurant's manager comes over to speak to him.
Manager- Hello sir.
Hunter finishes chewing what he's eating, swallows, then speaks.
Hunter- Hi.
M- Are you enjoying your meal this morning sir?
H- Yes I am.
M- Is everything to your satisfaction?
H- Yes, it is.
M- Very good. Just one final question for you sir, do you have a blog?
Hunter looks at the Manager with this bewildered look on his face.
H- Do I have a blog?
M- That was my question sir.
H- Yes, I do. I dare say everyone and their bog has a blog.
M- Where can I find this blog?
H- Redertainment.com, it's called The Four Stars Blog.
The Manager fishes an iPhone out of his pocket and goes through the process of pulling up Hunter's blog. As the Manager does this, Hunter resumes eating.
M- Ah, yes sir, I've pulled up your blog here sir, and it looks like a very nice blog sir. Can I ask you to do one more thing sir?
Again, Hunter finishes chewing what he's eating, swallows, then speaks.
H- What is it?
M- Can you not post a review of your experience here today until next Monday?
H- What?
M- It's just that I know that blogs are very popular nowadays, and I'm sure your blog is very popular as well-
H- Not really. Redertainment.com only gets about thirteen visitors a week.
M- Well anyway, we value our reputation, and although you wouldn't do anything malicious toward us, we'd appreciate it if you'd hold off on posting a review on us until next Monday.
H- Um, sure. I'm probably not going to write a review about this place, but if I did it would probably be favorable.
M- So you're enjoying your experience here today?
H- Yeah, that's like the first question you asked me.
M- Oh, well then feel free to post a review on your blog as soon as you are able to do so.
H- What?
M- If you're going to post a favorable review of us, then please feel free to ignore our Monday embargo date and post that review as soon as you feel comfortable.
Hunter looks at the Manager again with this look of bewilderment.
H- Okay.
M- In fact, if you want, feel free to work on your review here in our restaurant. you can use all the time that you want. I'd even let you use my iPhone.
H- No thanks, that won't be necessary.
M- Well, you just keep on enjoying your experience here with us, and let me know if you need anything at all. I'll even send one of my waitresses over to keep you company, if you catch my drift.
The Manager walks away from the tale. Hunter still has this weird look on his face as he digs back into his meal. Then a waitress passes by. Hunter takes a good long look at her and says-
H- Oh manager.

****- Death, Flames, and Rubber Gloves

Tiger Woods PGA 10 Wii Review

Hunter Red is at his doctor's office waiting to be examined. Hunter is sitting on the exam table when his doctor, Dr. Whitmore, enters with Hunter's chart in his hand.

Dr. Whitmore- So, Mr. Hunter-
Hunter Red- It's Mr. Red. My name is Hunter Red, Red is my last name.
Dr. Whitmore looks at the chart and says,
W- Sorry, I thought that was a typo. So, Mr. Red, it says here you're experiencing some arm pain.
H- Yes, my right shoulder is sore and some times my bicep will twitch on it's own.
W- Okay, lets have you take off your shirt and hold your arm out to the side.
Hunter does what the doctor asks and Dr. Whitmore starts to examine Hunter's arm.
W- Do you get much exercise Mr. Hunter?
R- Not really.
W- You play sports much?
R- No, I kind of really suck at them.
W- So, what were you doing when you started experiencing this discomfort?
R- I was playing the new Tiger Woods PGA.
W- What is that?
R- It's a video game.
W- You know, if you injure yourself playing a video game, you might be really out of shape.
R- Well I was playing it on the Wii, and on the Wii version of the new Tiger Woods game, you have to actually make the swinging motion.
W- So you actually have to swing to play the game?
R- Yeah.
W- And how well does that work?
R- It's kinda good. I haven't gotten down how to do a eighty or seventy-five percent swing, and putting is a pain in the ass-
W- Putting is a pain in real life.
R- Yeah but I've seen it done better ways in different games. Even the 360 version of this year's Tiger Woods has a better putting mechanic. You play golf Doctor?
W- Yeah, in real life, not in a video game.
R- What's your lowest round?
W- Full 18?
R- Yeah.
W- I shot an even par 72 once. I got really lucky that day. How about you?
R- Oh, I've never been golfing in real life.
W- No, I mean in this video game.
R- Oh, I shot a 57 at St. Andrews.
W- Was this just a one time occurrence like with my 72?
R- No, I've shot it five times. I just have to hit it the ball really close to the pin so I don't have to putt for too long of a distance.
W- Ah. Well, I see no real problems with your arm, it just seems like you don't get much exercise and started swinging your arms a lot.
R- Uh-huh.
W- Just give your arm a few days rest, but after that, stretch properly and get a good amount of exercise.
R- Okay.
Hunter hops down off the table and puts his shirt back on.
R- By the way, how much will this visit cost me?
W- Well, you have insurance, so it shouldn't cost you no more than $150.
R- $150? Why does it cost me so much?
W- Because you have insurance. If you didn't have insurance it would cost you considerably much more. Hope to see you again soon Mr. Hunter.
R- It's Mr. Red.
THE END

Tiger woods PGA Tour Wii: B-



The Truth Behind The Story

This week Eric Lempel, PlayStation Network's SCEA director of operations, said that there are no plans to go forward with offering on demand games in the future. Mr. Lempel blamed this on the substantial size of the games on PS3 thanks to the size capabilities of Blu-ray discs. He then went on to spout more propaganda about the wondrous glory of Sony, PS3, and Blu-ray technology.

Bullshit. First of all, outside of Metal Gear Solid 4, I can't think of any PS3 game that fully utilizes the storage capacity of the Blu-ray disc. Most come way short. Even so, with MGS4 they could download each chapter at the points that they installed the chapters regularly. Sure the downloads would take a long time, but that's due to the incompetent online architecture that is PSN, and therein lies the real problem.

If people were expected to utilize PSN more in their use of the Playstation 3 more people would come across the persistent problems that plague PSN. Inconsistent speeds, problems connecting and staying connected, far too frequent firmware updates, the length of time it takes to download and install things, and so on and so forth. More people using the service would lead to more bitching about the service. This is really why on demand games, Netflix instant streaming, and other bandwidth intensive activities are not possible right now. Sony must know the persistent problems that plague PSN, if they don't they are highly irresponsible. Almost as irresponsible is Sony not dealing with the problems and instead sweeping them under the rug and acting like they don't exist.

I really don't have a good ending for this rant. Hey look, a kittie!




Fallout 3 Point Lookout DLC Review

Like any other metropolitan area, the Salt Lake Valley has several malls. The one closest to where I live is called Valley Fair. I went out there the other day because I needed some shoes.

After weaving my way through the construction zone that is 3500 South, I entered Valley Fair parking lot and found a space quite easily. There were a smattering of cars in the lot, none bigger or better looking than my beloved Rubicon. I entered JC Penny's through the main entrance and immediately noticed how few people there were around. There were employees there, manning the tellers and arranging merchandise, but not much of anyone else. There weren't even any perverts staring at the lingerie clad mannequins.

I got my shoes, quickly I might add, then started back the way I came. That is until I felt some hunger pains and headed for the food court. When I left JC Penny's I saw more of what I had previously seen, a space with no people in it. The sound of my footsteps echoed like I was walking in an abandoned cavern, which I practically was. I saw employees, filling out Sodoku puzzles, playing handheld games, fiddling with their nails, and doing other things one does to kill time.

I got a slice of pepperoni and a Pepsi and sat down to eat it, easily finding a table. As I ate, the overwhelming thought I has was, "This place is dead." This is the same thought I had while I was playing the new Fallout 3 DLC, Point Lookout. Outside of those necessary to drive the quest forward and the one merchant on the boardwalk, there are no people in Point Lookout. Granted the Capital Wasteland wasn't brimming with people, but at least there were NPCs milling around with nothing to do in the bigger cities. The boardwalk in Point Lookout is as devoid of life as Valley Fair mall in West Valley City, neither of which are good signs for the future.

Fallout 3 Point Lookout DLC: B

****- Living On The Mirror's Edge Of A Madworld

Mirror's Edge Review



Have you ever come across this really compelling story. Whether it's a TV show, a movie, a book, or a play, it's just really compelling. The story begins and you are hooked. You meet characters, interact with the setting, get a feel of the environment the protagonist is in, learn about some of the relationships the protagonist has with other characters, and just generally get engrossed with this expertly crafted tale.

Now what if that story just abruptly ends? The characters are developed, the setting is detailed, the plot starts to go forward, then it just stops. Everything seems cut off, almost as if there's supposed to be more to this story, but the powers that be needed a product to sell, gave the writer a deadline, and ended it in a way that even the writer finds unsatisfactory.

Well, I was playing Mirror's edge this week and-

Mirror's edge: B+


The Following Message Is Not Approved By NBC



Recently our country has been dealing with a growing Swine Flu epidemic. Most reasonable people have been advising people to take reasonable measures to prevent exposure to this pathogen. However, there is one measure that I have yet to hear. I present it to you now.

This Swine flu has caught everyone by surprise, and while not much is known about the origins of this virus, one thing is certain. Contractions of and deaths from Swine Flu exploded in Mexico, and Mexico is home to many infamous and depraved sex shows, some including animals. Until this Swine Flu is under control and cases of this deadly disease go down, let me give you this bit of advice: Don't fuck pigs.




DSick



Hunter Red, pictured above, is entering his office to begin his day. Hunter sits down at his desk and turns his DSi on.

R- Hey, my friend Bryan sent me a picture.
Hunter opens the picture and looks at it for a sec.
R- So, Bryan sent me an altered picture of his junk.
Hunter puts the DSi down, fishes his cell phone out of his pocket, and begins to send a text message.
R- Warning: Objects in the pic you sent me may appear substantially larger than they actually are.
Hunter sends the message and puts his phone away. He then picks the DSi back up and says-
R- Why couldn't he send me the up-skirt pics I asked for? I don't care what he says, a kilt is not a skirt.

THE END


Madworld Review



There are many movies that I would propose people watch. Here are two.



The Running Man with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gene Rayburn, based on the book written by Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman.

This movie is an interesting comment on game shows and the increasingly perilous acts the contestants are challenged to do. Many of the elements in The Running Man are seen in the reality competition programs that clog the airwaves today. The Running Man is truly a cerebral yet brutal action film.



Escape From New York, with Kurt Russell, Issac Hayes, directed by John Carpenter.

John Carpenter's Escape From New York takes place in a dystopic future that occurred twelve years ago. Regardless of this not taking place in the future, the movie is still an excellent example of an alternate timeline where the events between the world's present and the movie's present have all curved toward bad. Escape From New York is also an excellent comment on what we think of and how we deal with criminality in America. It also stands as one of the few good Kurt Russell movies.



Both of these movies are great pieces of filmwork and should be watched by anyone who wants to know what good movies are, or you could play Madworld. Madworld is set in the world of Escape From New York with the basic plot of The Running Man, all done in black and white. By black and white I mean white, black, white, red, and white. A bit too much white space in my opinion, but then again I like things dark and dreary. Just look at my current girlfriend.



Madworld: A-

****- Resident Evil 5 Review

Part 1- Sheva

One of the classes I took in college was Fundamentals Of Business. One of the assignments I did for the class was a group project. I did this project with a person named Denis. I say I did this with Denis because when I turned it in, it was credited as being by Hunter and Denis.

Let me be clear, I did the group project. I did the research, the writing, word processing, printing, visual aids, everything. All Denis did was tell jokes and hit on the library assistant. Denis in no way helped with the project, and when I informed the instructor of this, his grade reflected it, as well it should have.

Ever since then I've had a severe problem with anyone I work with who does not pull their weight. Group projects, my job, yard work, podcasting, video games, whatever. This is why I hate Sheva.



How the fuck can this woman not know the difference between an enemy and my shoulder? Why the fuck does she wander off during a level and get herself blown the fuck up? Why does she hold strongly to a weak ass handgun when she's got a fucking boomstick at her disposal? Why the fuck does she waste badly needed health items? Why? Why? Why?

There are times when I was playing this game when I owuld start muttering the lyrics to this song.



If only Sheva had a brain.


Part 2- Story



As has been well documented, one of my favorite games is Metal Gear Solid 4. One of my favorite aspects of that game is the story. The story in MGS4 is smart, compelling and expertly crafted. The story in MGS4 stands as a testament to good narrative in video games.

The different levels in MGS4 help to pull off this narrative. These levels, while being in different locations, are similar in a way that meshes greatly with the story while not being repetitive. The levels in Metal Gear Solid 4 are so great, I would like to play them individually in the future.

The cohesiveness in the levels in Resident Evil 5 are as nearly opposite to the cohesiveness in the levels in MGS4 as they can be. You go from a worn down city to a lake with primitive villages surrounding it to a labyrinthine tomb to an advanced scientific laboratory to a state of the art oil tanker to an active volcano. The absurd variance in the locations of the levels in RE5 can only be tied together by way of an illogical and highly unbelievable story, which is exactly what Capcom has delivered. As a developing writer, the story in Resident Evil 5 has taught me an important lesson: What not to do.

The bottom line is if you want an example of good story telling in video games, look at Metal Gear Solid 4. If you want an example of abysmal story telling, look at Resident Evil 5.


Part 3- Enemies



In August of 2002, I began working for the United States Postal Service. One of the things that every USPS employee receives is free psychological care. This is a perk that I have utilized.

Among the first things we discussed was my long time fear of dogs. After several deep probing discussions, my doctor diagnosed me as suffering from cynophobia, the psychological term for fear of dogs. Despite medication and aversion therapy, I still suffer from this condition.

This fear has altered the way I perceive the enemies in Resident Evil 5. There are gigantic tentacled monsters, men carrying guns the size of a truck, canvas bag wearing psychopaths wielding chainsaws, and even a Kraken. To me, the emotional reaction I had to those enemies is nothing compared to how frightened I was every time I saw a dog in RE5. The following is something I actually said while playing RE5.

"Aaaaah! You god damn mother fucking bitch! Taste my boomstick! Blam! Blam! Blam! Had enough? Blam!"

The biggest waste of ammo I experienced in this game was me burying round after round into already dead canines. I have an appointment with my psychologist to discuss this on Monday.


Part 4- Quick Time Events

I hate quick time events. Press X to continue reading this review.



Now press B to proceed.



Press R1+L1 or I'll kill you!



Now punch this picture of Denis Leary or I'll really kill you!



Too late, you lose!



Just kidding, why would I subject you to that shit? Now press Я to continue.




Part 5- Multiplayer

Oh wait, I can't review multiplayer. This is not because it's good or bad, I simply didn't play it. I didn't even do the co-op main story experience that would have saved me from the empty headedness that is Sheva.

Why can't I review the multiplayer? I played Resident Evil 5 on the PS3, and trying to play games over PSN is like trying to verbally communicate with someone who is nearly deaf. Not impossible, but there are better ways to do it.

Remember when EA had a pissing match with Microsoft over not being able to host their own servers so they pulled out of Live? Publishers should take a similar stance with Sony over PSN. Improve or we walk.


Part 6- The Final Part... Unless I Write Another

Based on everything that proceeded this, you would thing that I would be entirely negative about Resident Evil 5. That is not the case. If this game did not have anything positive about it, I would not have finished it. After all, I'm not getting paid for this shit, I play games for leisure, and I don't want to spend my leisure time doing things I hate.

There are several good things about RE5. In my time playing it, the game never crashed on me. I never got stuck in a level with no means to escape. Also, the game was challenging without being infuriatingly frustrating. It was frustrating at times, but that was until I took a deep breath, calmed down, and figured out that I was stupidly bull rushing into things.

However, this game has clear and evident problems. One of them is Sheva, who's stupidity persists from the first level to the final battle. Sheva is of minuscule help in RE5 and serves mostly as a mobile way of carrying nine extra item slots. I preferred the attache case in Resident Evil 4. Yes, I had to pause every time I switched weapons, but at least I gained a higher capacity as the game went on.

The story in RE5 is weak and poorly delivered. I know that not a lot of games have great stories, but that's not an excuse. Just because no one else is doing the job well is not an excuse to do job poorly. In fact, it serves as an opportunity to do the job excellently.

Overall, Resident Evil 5 isn't bad, it's just not that good. RE5 is about average to fractionally below average. However, this game would be greatly improved if only Sheva had a brain.

Resident Evil 5: C-