Walking In A Network With Words

This Is A Good Day

There's a flower box just outside of my apartment building that I always treasure walking by. I always enjoy the sweet smell and vibrant colour of plants in full bloom. Any kind of plant seems beautiful to me. Marigolds growing in the part, daffodils poking out of the sidewalk, even grass has a unique beauty to me. The world coming into life seems to invigorate me and make me feel even more full as a woman.

On nice morning, like the ones we've been having lately, I will choose to leave my car in it's drab oil stained holding place, and take a leisurely stroll to work, passing by all the best things this city has to offer. People pleasantly greeting the day, kids running along in packs to fun places of their own design, the sounds of a city just on the verge of waking up. Even the breeze blowing through the tall building has a special place in my heart. The feeling as the air passing against, into, and through me brings me into contact with my body in a way that is more spiritual than sexual. The blissful feeling that I have walking through this city is one I wish I could hold onto for the entire day. Sadly, that can not be.

As I get to work, I enter another drab oil stained holding place. This time the holding place is stained with the oil that is drizzled on salads people are deceived into thinking is healthy for them. It's not that I don't like salads, it's that anything that big that contains that much cheese, bacon, and toxins is surely not healthy for you. Sadly, the putrid smell that emanates from those salads seems to diffuse into the surrounding area. I swear, everything around the offices I work in seems dead. The grass is not naturally green, unless you count the natural dyes in paint as being from nature. The trees are nothing more than oddly cut lumber that does more to provide bike messengers a place to park than to positively add to the ambience of this place. Even the concrete, which is already dead, is made to feel even more dead. The way the sidewalk is cracked and crumbling prevents people from taking a walk without having to worry about tripping on it.

The people who work with me are somewhat better than the surrounding here. Well, most of them are. The security guy is a big teddy bear with a effervescent smile that greets anyone he encounters, whether or not he gets a smile in return. My boss, while still infected with the evil that comes with being a part of the corporate world, is a pleasant man to be around. He's more pleasant if he's holding a snifter of brandy. There is one guy who's mood seems to match the ambience here. He's the bright star, the young player, the one who this company's future is built upon. It's too bad that he carries negativity with him, like the Earth of the back of Atlas. It's also too bad that his negativity infects me nearly everyday. It always seems to happen when we ride the elevator together. I try to say something to the guy like,

"Isn't it a beautiful day?"

He always seems to reply with a grumble as he drinks his brown bubbly beverage.

"Doesn't everything seem so alive and new?"

Again, grumble into beverage.

"How can you not be enlightened by surroundings like this?"

It's usually at this point that the guy's response rises above a grumble.

"I know you have a generally optimistic outlook toward life, but I can't stand crap like that."

Ouch. That response, or ones like that, usually make me feel down for a second or two. This response, however, was different. You see, the guy I was talking to usually says shit. This time he said crap. This response showed progress in the outlook of my company's bright star. This is a good day.







GIVE ME BACK MY NETWORK!!!

Recently, speculation has been rampant as so how Sony will address the PlayStation Network outages at the upcoming Electronic Entertainment Expo. However, recently some credible information has come forth. In a conversation in a internet relay chat room, a user identified as J4y50|\|13731r has posted online the full text of a planned speech to be delivered by Sony's Executive Deputy President Kaz Hirai. Here is the speech:

The whole world now knows my network, PSN, was hacked for no discernible reason in April. This is a recent photograph of my network. PSN, if you're watching, we love you. And the large amount of American money sitting in front of me, well this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like all you stupid hackers want.

But this is as close as you hackers ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my network. Not one dime. Not one penny.

Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So, congratulations hackers. You've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket, except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So, wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time.

And to insure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page add in every major newspaper, television show, magazine, blog, internet forum, and IRC channel, every Sunday for as long as it takes. But -- and this is your last chance -- you return my network, alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck, you can simply disappear. Understand? You will never see this money. Not one dollar.

So, you hackers still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this earth will be.

Legalese To English

Legalese To English

In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.

LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.

a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.

b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.

c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.

d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.

If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.

In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.

You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.

Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.

e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.

f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.

g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.

h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.

i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.

Televisionia

Televisionia

Down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America is a diner. This diner serves good, healthy dinners and fine sandwiches for the lunch rush. This diner also offers delivery, which is how I usually gave this diner business while I was working on my writing. This diner is called Televisionia. Recently, the delivery service was temporarily suspended, meaning if I wanted to continue eating from this diner I had to go down to the diner and get the food myself. On Wednesday, I did this. I went down to the diner, ordered their signature "The Chicago Code" and took a seat as I waited for my order. As I waited, a middle aged man came up from the back part of the diner and talked to me.

"Hello," the man said to me.

"Hi," I replied.

"It's good to see you in here."

"Okay." I didn't know what to make of this conversation.

"I'm sorry if I'm weirding you out. It's just with the closure of one of the streets in front of my diner, the Peabody Strauss Netherway, business has been down a bit."

"So, you're the owner of this diner."

"Yes." The man then extended his hand to me. "I am Hulu Televisionia, and I own this place."

I shook Hulu's hand, and said, "Good to meet you. By the way, have the people working on the road told you when they'll be done?"

"No. The people working on the road, South Orange North Yolk didn't even tell me that they were going to be working on the road before the just started tearing it up."

"Really? That's fucked up."

"Yes. I wouldn't use that strong of language, but yes, it is. Anyway, I wanted to offer you this." Hulu then dug into the pocket on the front of his shirt and handed me a piece of paper. This paper was a coupon for a free meal from Televisionia.

"Ah thank you. But, why are you doing this? I mean it's not your fault that the road was torn up."

"Yes, but I want my customers to know that I appreciate their continued business. Also, this serves as a good PR boost for me, something South Orange North Yolk seems not to be interested in."

I put the coupon in my pocket and said, "Well, thanks. I'll have to use this the next time I come in."

"Great. Enjoy your meal." Hulu said this to me as me order was delivered to me. I stepped outside, intending to make my way back to my office, when I looked and saw something that caught my attention. Hulu saw that something had caught my attention. "You aren't thinking of using the coupon now, are you?"

"No, I just saw that." I pointed toward another road crew working on a road that serves as a alternate to the Peabody Strauss Netherway. "What is that?"

"Oh, that is the Liveway. It's a road that been rumored for a while, but the people making the road just recently got finished."

I was shocked by this. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Can people use this road as an alternative to get to your diner?"

"Yes." Hulu started smiling.

"So, will your delivery service be back up and running soon."

"Yes, on Friday in fact." Hulu was now smiling ear to ear.

"That's cool. You must be very happy."

"Yes, I am."

"By the way, who's doing that road work?"

"Microsoft."

I was shocked by this. "Really? They make roads?"

"Yes, Microsoft kind of does everything. They're like Walmart, except not the kind of evil that Walmart is."

"Hmmm. Well, I look forward to giving you more business." I walked away from Televisionia, with my order in hand, intending to go back to that diner again and again and again, thanks to the fine road work done by Microsoft.


THE END

Legal Sparkles!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Hunter Ortiz El Red Samaritano

On Saturday, April 23rd, 2011, I sent the following email to the address of Orange Lounge Radio, a podcast that airs live on the internet Sunday nights on allgames.com.

Dear Peoples,

Like you, I have been following the recent PSN outages since they started popping up on Wednesday night. When I first discovered these outages I was frustrated, raged out, and cursed so loud my neighbors thought I was killing someone. Not kidding.

Anyway, in the process of following this story, I found this story that I'm sure you covered earlier on in the show:
http://www.zdnet.com/blog/hardware/sonys-playstation-network-hit-by-external-intrusion/12483
Once I read this story I became considerable less angry as I can understand Sony taking actions like this in response to this threat, to a point. However, there is one part of story that really concerns me.
"In order to “verify the smooth and secure operation” of the services Sony pulled the plug on both services April 20th."
This sentence gives me the impression that this isn't a simple hacking job. Given Sony's recent movements in relation to piracy, I believe that may be the nature of Sony taking down PSN. I believe someone figured out how to pirate games distributed digitally via PSN. Please feel free to tell me if any of these conclusions are wrong.

Also, why do I have to go through PSN or Live to access Hulu Plus or Netflix? I mean when I want to watch Hulu on my laptop all I have to do is fire up my browser, go through my ISP, and get to what I want to watch. I don't have to go through my laptop manufacture's exclusive network to access things, so why do I have to do it on home consoles?

Stay Black
Redertainment

This message has been brought to you by the successor to Anonmyous, who is actually responsible for PSN being shut down and is totally unknown to the public. Nya nya! :P

Sent from my iPad :P


This email was read live on the air on the 410th episode of Orange Lounge Radio, available via podcast right now. On Monday, this story broke:

Rumor: 'Rebug' custom firmware enabled 'free' PSN downloads, forced Sony's network shutdown
by Randy Nelson on Apr 25th 2011 6:05PM

According to PSX-Scene former moderator, "chesh," the now six-day-long PlayStation Network outage is the result of a particularly exploitative custom firmware (CFW) modification for PS3. In a post on Reddit, chesh claims that a CFW known as "Codename: Rebug" had given its users the ability to log into PSN as if they were doing so from a developer console (or "debug unit").

As a result, chesh contends, this same exploit allowed its users to add funds from "dummy" credit card accounts into their PSN wallets, ostensibly giving them the ability to "unlock" (read: steal) certain PlayStation Store content. Joystiq's research into the purported exploit has turned up multiple tutorials detailing the process, which appears alarmingly easy to execute on consoles running the Rebug CFW.

The hack does not allow its users to access the credit card or other personal information of PSN users, chesh adds. Nevertheless, as we reported earlier today, Sony is working to rule out information theft as part of its investigation during the maintenance outage in which the company is also implementing new security measures.

Sony has not yet responded to our request for comment on this story.


This sequence of events confirms one thing: I am a psychic!!! When I see things in my mind, they motherfucking happen! Since I am a psychic, and the things that I see happen, I am prepared to make a bold pronouncement that all of you should take to heart like the words of a prophet.

This is a leaked picture of what is supposed to be Nintendo's next console.

This is a leaked picture of what is supposed to be the controller for Nintendo's next console. I, the newly christened Hunter Ortiz El Red Samaritano, am here to tell you the truth of what lies in the future. These pictures are not real. These pictures are red herrings meant to lead the online public in a false direction. The rumors about the new controller are false, laughably so. Ha ha ha ha.

When Nintendo announces their new console, sometime in mid-May, it will be more powerful than the PS3 but will utilize DVDs, not those expensive Blu-Rays that benefit one of Nintendo's direct rivals. The design of the controller for Nintendo's next console will resemble the Gamecube controller. However, in a move that will not be as successful as Nintendo wants it to be, the Nintendo 3DS will be able to be used as a controller for Nintendo's next console. This capability will mainly be used for first party titles and will last for only three years.

Finally, Nintendo's next console will come into the market at the price of $400, in order to compete directly with the PS3, which, due to the clusterfuck that is the PSN outages, will drop in popularity never to recover.

As far as a name...
...
...
I got nothing. Try Miss Cleo. She might know the name of Nintendo's next console, as well as when your next hookup will be. Sparkles!



So, Just To Be Clear...

According to this, Sony Computer Entertainment of America first identified that there was a security breach and that user data might have been compromised on April 19th. From personal experience, I know PSN was shut down on the night of April 20. Finally, Sony confirmed that this security breach had happened, after being completely tight lipped about why they shut down PSN, on April 26th, a full week after the security breach happened. So...
WHAT THE FUCK TOOK THEM SO LONG TO TELL US THAT OUR, OUR, PERSONAL INFORMATION HAD BEEN COMPROMISED?
Do we not have the right to know exactly what someone is doing with our personal information? Do we not have a obligation to ensure that our personal information is being protected by those that we trust it to? And, if that trust is broken, how can we trust those people with our personal information again?

In short, I do not trust Sony with my personal information. When PSN goes back up, I will be deleting my account, completely. Not merely taking my credit card off my account, or filling the account with junk info, I will have the account deleted. I find that any other Sony division has my personal information, I will move to have that information removed from their possession as well. Furthermore, if SCEA continues to possess my personal information, no matter what that personal information is, for any reason, I will pursue legal action to have my personal information removed from their possession. Don't think I'm serious? These are my lawyers:

This is Ed Brass.

Look him up and learn why you don't fuck with Ed Brass.