Moral Dilemma

I'm struck with a moral dilemma over a satirical piece that I want to write.  I'm hesitating writing it because it might be in bad taste.  Normally being in bad taste isn't a deterrent to me, as someone who thinks that The Whitest Kids U'Know is the most goddamn funny sketch comedy group of the last twenty years, but the idea I have crosses a line that I'm not comfortable crossing.

As I have touched on before, Apple has specific language in it's iTunes End User Liscence Agreement forbidding it's users from using it's products for the purpose of terrorism.  It's buried deep in the agreement, just pull it up, press Ctrl+F, and search for "biological weapons".  Really, it's there.  According to reports, the terrorist group ISIS is using iPhones in the production of several of the recent videos that they have released.  These videos are clearly used for the purpose of terrorism, which would run in conflict with the iTunes EULA.  My idea was to say that Apple, using it's vast sum of riches and influence, was using it's power to take down ISIS in ways that the US and other government are unable to.

Here's the problem: In order to write this piece, I'd have to reference the recent videos showing the beheading of journalists Steven Sotloff and James Foley.  I could dance around those videos and not directly reference them, but inevitable someone reading the post would remember the media reports of those beheadings, and make the connection for themselves.  Given the nature of the videos, I do not want to have such a connection to my work be made.  So, I hesitate in writing the piece in question.  Is this what it's like to have a soul?  I haven't had one since I sold mine for money to buy some disappointing sponges.

Damn it!

It's A New iPad Air, Cheryl

On Tuesday, a slew of new Apple products were unveiled, including the iPad Air.  The new device will be 20 per cent thinner, feature a slim outer bezel that's 43 narrower than the previous iPad, a 9.7-inch Retina display, and will weight just one pound.

Shortly after the new product's unveiling, Phil Schiller, Apple's Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing, answered some questions about the new iPad Air.  Specifically, he answered the question of why he felt the new iPad needed to be smaller and lighter.

"There are many reasons why our new products are smaller and lighter.  We want products that appeal to our customer's needs, both their consumer needs and their aesthetic needs.  After many rounds of customer surveys, as well as a poll of people in positions of influence inside our company, it became very clear that our consumers prefer things that are smaller and lighter.  In fact, we've found that people have a preference for smaller and lighter in many different aspects of their lives.  This ranges from their consumer products, food choices, and even their romantic lives.  I know, from personal experience, what my preferences were when I was "in the market", and although my current wife doesn't currently achieve what my preferences are, I know that will change in the future.  Yes, I aspire to have smaller and lighter things in all aspects of my life, Cheryl.  Now, is that thing on?"

Shortly after this interview was conducted, I was delicately asked to leave Apple's October Conference by five very large men in matching black turtlenecks.

Optima Mocking

Earlier this month, the new parent company of Tumblr, something called Yahoo!, changed it's logo to something with a little less flair.  This logo utilizes a font called "Optima", which is not usually available in Microsoft Word.  However, after a little bit of digging, I found a place where I could download Optima for free.  After downloading Optima, I can now mock Yahoo! for it's logo change by offering what other company's logos would look like if they utilized Optima with no flair.

Microsoft

World Wrestling Entertainment

Sony

The Pirate Bay

Apple

Exxon

MSNBC

All Games Radio

Redertainment

Rockstar Games

Heineken

Bluth Company

Scanning For Something That Is Not There

A report released late Monday night by the Wall Street Journal confirmed internet rumors that the upcoming iPhone 5S will have a fingerprint scanner located on the Home button.  The response to this news has been varied, and like all things released on the internet, not all of the responses has been positive.  However a response by an advocacy group may be a more substantive negative response than usual.

Adermatoglyphia is a rare genetic disorder which causes a person to have no fingerprints.  Adermatoglyphia can cause problems when it comes to identifying people suspected of crimes, or when people with adermatoglyphia otherwise have to use their fingerprints to identify themselves.  This can potentially be a problem with users of the upcoming proposed iPhone 5S, a problem that may result in a lawsuit.

The Adermatoglyphia Advocacy Union, an group comprised of lawyers that defend people with adermatoglyphia in legal matters at no charge, is set to file a lawsuit stopping Apple from implementing fingerprint scanning technologies in upcoming Apple products, or to at least limit the capabilities of such technologies.  In a statement, AAU President Eli Sprecher says:

"It is important to remember that the iPhone is an already integral part of many people's lives.  To upgrade such a product in a way that affects how certain people can use it can be crippling to those certain people.  I am confident that Apple will make accomodations for persons without fingerprints in the iPhone 5S, but if not we are prepared to take Apple to court over this matter."

Apple Computers has yet to release a statement about this matter.

Why Apple Is Frustrating And Awesome

Why Apple Is Frustrating And Awesome

On December 31st, 2011, I tried buying American Horror Story season one through iTunes. I also tried to buy Pan Am Season One the next day. In attempting to download each of the TV series, I encountered the same problem. I received an error message telling me that part of the file was corrupted. After exhaustive attempts to solve the problem on my end, because I sincerely thought the problem was on my end, I contacted Apple Customer Service to try to resolve this issue.

The following is a series of emails sent between myself and Apple Customer Service between January 1st, 2012 and January 5th, 2012. Certain details have been changed or omitted, such as names and other specific personal information. This was done to protect my identity and the anonymity of myself and the person I was messaging with.


January 1st, 2012


First Name : Hunter
Last Name : Red
Email : (My personal email address)
Apple ID (Optional) : Redertainment
Lang_Country : en_US
Product : iTunes Store
Support Subject : Purchases, Billing & Redemption
Sub Issue : Problems downloading TV shows bought through iTunes.
See additional info below
What device did you use to connect to the store? Windows computer (PC)
Which operating system is installed? Windows 7
What version of iTunes is installed on your computer? iTunes 10.5
Choose the iTunes Store or App Store for your country: United States
Item title: American Horror Story- Season 1 Episode 10- Smoldering Children Pan Am- Season 1 Episode 9- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Details:
I've researched this problem online, tried several different problems to solve this problem on my end with no luck. I'd really like to watch American Horror Story in it's entirety. Is there a different method to solve this problem than the one's I've found online?


January 2nd, 2012


Date: Mon, 2 Jan 2012 02:49:23 -0800
From: (Email for Apple Customer Service)
To: (My Personal Email)
Subject: Re: Purchases, Billing & Redemption; Follow-up: 184580048

Dear Hunter,

Greetings from iTunes Store Customer Support. My name is Vishal and I will assist you today.

I'm sorry to hear that the series "American Horror History" and "Pan-Am" didn't download properly.I apologies for the inconvenience caused by this.I will do my best to get the issue resolved at the earliest.

Hunter, I have posted the series to your account. Please follow these steps to download the items:

Before that, I have also reviewed your account and found some download error's

There are a few things that I would like you to try.

First, make sure you're using the latest version of iTunes. It can be downloaded free of charge from the iTunes website:

http://www.itunes.com/download

Certain types of software can cause conflicts and prevent purchases from downloading properly, even if the software appears to be configured to allow full access to the iTunes Store. This can include firewall, virus-protection, and web-acceleration software. You should be able to determine if you have a software program that is causing the difficulty by using the MSCONFIG utility on your computer. For detailed instructions, please refer to the following article:

Using MSCONFIG to troubleshoot conflicts in Windows Vista and Windows 7
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT2292

After making sure you're using the latest version of iTunes, and after temporarily disabling any security software you may be using, try choosing Check for Available Downloads from the Store menu three times in a row. You may be asked to enter your login information each time. Checking for available downloads multiple times can help to force the downloads to start.

If you still can't download the items in your download queue after choosing Check for Available Downloads three times, please follow the suggestions in this article:

Unable to download purchased videos
http://support.apple.com/kb/TS1566

If the suggestions above don't help you to download your purchased items, I suggest testing to see if this issue occurs while you are signed in to a new user account on your computer. To learn how to create a new user account in your version of Windows, please read this article:

Windows 7: Create a user account
http://windows.microsoft.com/en-us/Windows7/Create-a-user-account

Once you are signed in to this new user account, open iTunes and start the download. If the download progresses without error, you will know that the original issue is with the particular user account that you were using. You may want to consider adopting this new account as your user account and transferring your files from the old account to your new one.

If signing in to a new user account does not resolve the issue, I suggest that you sign back in to your original user account and use Microsoft's MSCONFIG utility as described above to temporarily disable additional startup programs.

Alternatively, if the issue persists, you might consider downloading the item from another computer or location and transferring the file back to your original computer.

If you are still unable to download the items after following these suggestions, please reply to let me know.

Hunter, after trouble shooting, please follow these steps to download the series.

1) Make sure you're using the latest version of iTunes. It can be downloaded free of charge from the iTunes website:

http://www.itunes.com/download

Note: Installing the latest version of iTunes will not affect your library or any items in your account that you haven't downloaded.

2) Open iTunes. From the Store menu at the top, choose Check for Available Downloads. You can also click this link to do the same thing:

https://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZFinance.woa/wa/checkForPurchases

3) Enter your account name and password, then click the Check button.

The serieses should begin downloading and appear in your Purchased playlist. If you receive an error message while downloading, try again after turning off any firewall or web-accelerator software that you may have installed. If the download process is interrupted for any reason, it should resume once you reopen iTunes.

This article provides information about resuming interrupted downloads:
http://support.apple.com/kb/HT1725

If you don't see the items in your iTunes Library, please include this information in your response to this email:

- The name of your Internet service provider (ISP)
- The type of Internet connection (such as dial-up, cable modem, or DSL)
- Any troubleshooting steps you may have taken
- Any error messages you may have received

I appreciate you valuable time and patience in this.

Please reply to this email if you have any other concerns or issue.I will be more than glad to assist you.

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.


January 2nd, 2012
This message was sent by me.


I just tried what was suggested in this email. None of them worked, just like they didn't work before I sent the email. Like I said, I tried several techniques that I found online with no luck. Do you have any other suggestions, suggestions other than the ones I find online or are contained in this email? Thank you.


January 3rd, 2012


Date: Tue, 3 Jan 2012 08:17:31 -0800
From: (Email For Apple Customer Service)
To: (My Personal Email Address)
Subject: RE: Purchases, Billing & Redemption; Follow-up: 184580048

Dear Hunter,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the frustration this downloads has caused.

Please follow the steps in this article for error-50

Information about error -50 and downloading videos
http://support.apple.com/kb/TS1583

Certain types of software can affect the way a computer sends and receives information from the Internet. Here are a few examples of these types of software:

* Firewalls
* Web accelerators
* Ad filters
* Virus protection software

If you have any of this software, and if you cannot access the iTunes Store, you will need to configure these applications to allow iTunes to connect to the internet.

Please refer to the documentation that came with that software, and if necessary contact the software's manufacturer. You'll need to configure the software to allow these domains to send and receive data from the Internet:

itunes.apple.com
ax.itunes.apple.com

If a web accelerator appears to be causing the issue, please contact your Internet service provider (ISP) or the maker of the software.

Hunter, If you aren't using a firewall or any of the types of software listed above that might restrict your connection to the iTunes Store, please respond to this email with the following:

- the type of Internet connection you use (such as dial-up, cable modem, DSL, or corporate network)
- the name of your ISP

And at least one of the following:

- the order number of one of your purchases
- the last four digits of the credit card used for your iTunes Store account
- the answer to one of your security questions

And two items from this list:

- your birth date
- the billing address listed on the account
- the phone number on the account

Upon receiving your response, Apple will verify your billing address, reset your password, and send you an email with your new password.

I appreciate you valuable time and patience in this.

Please reply to this email if you have any other concerns or issue.

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 7:00 AM to 4:00 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.


January 3rd, 2012
This message was sent by me.

I just tried doing what is described in the link you sent me, again. It didn't work and my problem is not resolved, again. Like I said before, I have tried a number of different methods to solve this problem. To this point, I have exhausted all the options I have found online, including the ones you have sent me.

I believe the problem may be on Apple's end. I don't say this because I am some arrogant tech nerd who thinks he knows everything about everything. I say this because I tried downloading American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 10 on my iPad. The download would be nearly complete, stop, and start again from the beginning. No matter how close the download came to being complete, this happened on every attempt I made to download the episode in question on my iPad. Unless you are going to tell me that there is a persistent problem with both my laptop and my iPad, a problem that I cannot seem to solve despite exhaustive efforts to do so, the problem must be on Apple's end.

I have since obtained American Horror Story Season 1 Episode 10, as well as the other episodes from that season, through other means. This means that I no longer have use for the purchase I made. The only reason I bring this up is that this purchase, in addition to Pan Am Season 1, continues to be automatically added to my download cue every time I open iTunes. I cannot seem to find a method to clear these purchases off my download cue outside of completing the download, which is not possible for the two episodes (AHS: Smoldering Children and Pan Am: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) that are apparently corrupted on your end. I addition, I do not wish to waste my valuable disk space on something I will just delete anyway.

Is there anything you can do on your end to prevent this automatic downloading from happening? I am not asking for a refund, I am asking for the downloads that keep on appearing in my download cue to stop automatically appearing in my download cue.

Stay Care
Hunter Red

(After the message, I included my internet connection, ISP, birth date, and billing address.)


January 4th, 2012


On Jan 4, 2012, at 10:48 AM, (Email For Apple Customer Support) wrote:

Dear Hunter,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the frustration this download has caused. I took the liberty of removing the file(s) causing the issue from your download queue, and refunded your purchase of $34.18 USD plus any applicable sales tax. The credit will be posted to your credit card used to purchase within three to five business days.

Please wait at least one week before repurchasing this title. This will give us time to investigate the issue and make any corrections that may be necessary.

I have added 3 video credits to your account. Please note, however, that the video credits can only be used to purchase TV episodes or music videos. It cannot be used to purchase or rent full-length movies or episodes of a TV Show that are listed as Season Only.

I have also added 2 movie rental credits to your account. You can use these to rent any 2 movies that are rentable on the iTunes Store priced 4.99 USD or lower.

When you sign in to the iTunes Store with this account, the credit(s) will appear by your account name in the upper-right corner of the window. The next time you buy a videos or movie rentals from the iTunes Store, your credit(s) will be used as payment.

If you don't see the credit(s), refresh your account information by signing out and back in to the iTunes Store. The Sign Out and Sign In options are available from the pull-down Store menu in iTunes. If you don't see this menu, you should download the latest version of iTunes from our website for free:

http://www.apple.com/itunes/download/

Thank you for choosing the iTunes Store. Apple appreciates your business.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.


January 4th, 2012
This message was sent by me.


I thank you for your assistance in this matter, but I am still experiencing one slight problem. The episodes of Pan Am, which I have also had almost the same problems downloading as I did with American Horror Story, still automatically appear in my download cue. Is there anything that you can do about this? Thanks again for your great help.

Sent from my iPad


January 5th, 2012


On Jan 5, 2012, at 9:04 AM, (Email For Apple Customer Service) wrote:

Dear Hunter,

Can you please mail us the order number for Pan Am series or the names of the episodes of the same. So that I can submit it investigation. because there are lot pending downloads in the queue, I couldn't make out which one.

Thank You.

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service Person)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.


January 5th, 2012
This message was sent by me.


I don't have an order number for the episodes of Pan Am that I wanted to download. It was a free download, which is the only reason I wanted to download it. The episode I've been having problems downloading is named "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang", which is the ninth episode in the first season of that show.

Thank You
Hunter Red

Sent from my iPad


January 5th, 2012


Dear Hunter,

At your request, I have removed the items from your download queue. The next time you sign in to the iTunes Store, it will no longer be waiting to download.

If you have any other questions, or if you need help with any other downloads, please let me know.

Thank you for being a loyal iTunes Customer. Apple appreciates your business. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

(Name Of Customer Service)
iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work Monday - Saturday, 4:30 AM to 1:30 PM CST.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to assist you.



So that is where the series of emails ended. I have not used the credits that were sent to me, but that is because on Friday, January 6th, 2012, I bought another product that I needed to expend time and effort to make sure was setup and working the way that I thought it was. What is this product?

I bought a Mac Mini which I am using as a Media PC. I do not plan to buy American Horror Story again through the iTunes store as I can now watch it through Hulu and play it on my TV. As far as Pan Am, I only bought it at the time that I bought it because it was free.

Legalese To English

Legalese To English

In the episode "Humancentipad", the creators of South Park pointed out the perils of agreeing to an End User Licensing Agreement without reading it. You could be agreeing to have a corporation track your every movement, retain all your personal information, and be sewn ass to mouth with a Japanese man with irritable bowel syndrome. To that end, I wanted to see exactly what was in the Apple iTunes End User Licensing Agreement and what it means in a language humans actually use. Utilizing my vast legal knowledge gained while watching episodes of Boston Legal, Matlock, Judge Judy, as well as contesting that traffic ticket I get last week, I have translated the Apple EULA to English as best as any person who is not a robot can.

LICENSED APPLICATION END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

The product covered by this license is covered by this license, unless another license agreement covers it, in which case that license agreement covers the product. Remember that part of the constitution that says all powers not granted to the federal government is granted to the states? Well, all powers not granted to you is granted to the party you are entering into this agreement with, which is Apple.

a. This license applies to you, and only you. You may not share this license, you may not rent this license, you may not sell this license, you may not avail yourself of this license in any way. To do so would be a violation of the rights of the party you are entering into this license with, Apple. Doing so may result in you being prosecuted. I'm not kidding. This license also governs any upgrades the manufacturer may make to the product unless another license governs that upgraded product.

b. This section governs how you agree that Apple may collect information about you. This information includes:
Technical Data
Related Information
Technical Information
This includes data about your device, system and application software, and peripherals. Also, App providers may collect information about you. The App providers may collect this information as long as it is in a form that does not personally identify you.

c. Apple retains the right to send a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, to eliminate you if you do anything that violates this licensing agreement. Upon termination of you, you shall cease all use of the product this licensing agreement covers as you will be dead.

d. Applications covered by this licensing agreement may access sites on the internet owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, and other companies. You accept this as a part of this agreement.

If you agree to this EULA, you are aware that in using this product, you may access content that people may find offensive. This may happen intentionally or unintentionally. The risks that come with accessing offensive content are your risks and not the risks of the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple.

In the normal use of this device, you may be directed to websites not owned by the party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, or by the party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing. The party that owns, distributes, or maintains the application or service you are utilizing is not responsible for the website or websites you are directed to. This section is a way of covering the asses of people who may accidentally direct you to a website with offensive content on it. You know, like the protection I may need if you click this link. This section also protects the same companies if you take financial information displayed on any app or service in a serious manner. Apparently, if your bank has an app that allows you to see your current account balance, you are not supposed to believe that is your actual account balance. This covers your bank's ass if the information I referenced in the last sentence is wrong.

You will use the services provided by the people who provided the services in the way that the people who provided the services intended to or a large flightless bird will come to your home and sit on your chest. If you find this experience uncomfortable, use that as a lesson to not use services provided to you by people in a way that those people did not intend you to do. Also, Apple retains the right to choose which kind of flightless bird will sit on your chest.

Things that are available in the Apple iTunes store may not be available in all locations. You are responsible for the content that you access in the iTunes store. If the things that you access in the iTunes store breaks the law where you live, it's your ass, not the ass of the party providing you with the content. If the party providing the content chooses to remove that content, you have no recourse for that action. The party providing the content does not have to tell you or anybody that they are ceasing proving the content. The party providing the content may also restrict access to that content.

e. THERE IS NO WARRANTY OF ANY KIND ASSOCIATED WITH THIS AGREEMENT. THIS SECTION IS ALSO YELLED AT THE PERSON AGREEING TO THIS AGREEMENT FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER.

f. If Apple sends a Terminator, a formidable robotic assassin and soldier designed by the military, and that Terminator fails to dispatch the person it was intended to dispatch, the person that was not dispatched may not sue Apple for damages exceeding the amount of fifty US Dollars.

g. This licensing agreement, which you can not transfer to any other person as was established in section a, may not be transferred to anyone on any of the following lists:
U.S. Treasure Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals
U.S. Department of Commerce Denied Person's List or Entry List
You also agree that you will not use this device for any illegal activity, including, not kidding, the manufacture or production of nuclear weapons, missiles, chemical weapons, or biological weapons. In short, if you know Ayman al-Zawahiri, do not let him use your iPhone for terrorist activities. Just let him listen to the new Strokes album.

h. This section contains information about the particular federal laws that define what a commercial item is, what commercial computer software is, and commercial computer software documentation is. This sections essentially says that the product you purchased is a product that can be purchased, is a computer, and is governed by laws governing those products.

i. The party you are entering into this agreement with, Apple, is located in California, and as such is governed by the laws of the state of California. You are subject to the laws that govern that location that you live in. This agreement is subject to those laws.

Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.

****- Distorted Impressions of Trent's Apple

Brutal Legend Demo Impressions

The following is a series of tweets I put out while playing the demo for Brutal Legend. @Redertainment

Beginning the Brutal Legend Demo now.9:09 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Jack Black swearing FTMFW!9:12 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I am so buying the soundtrack to Brutal Legend. The game as well, but definitely the soundtrack.9:15 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I haven't enjoyed a demo this much since the NBA Street demo. Awesome.9:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Dear Activision: You passed on Brutal Legend? YOU SUCK!9:24 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Have I mentioned recently that the Brutal Legend Demo is fucking awesome? It is, I've just been distracted by iTunes 9.0. Damn you Apple!9:41 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Dear EA: You have brought me three great gaming experiences this year. Tiger Woods, Mirror's Edge, and Dead Space. Make that four.9:44 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

How keep on saying "counterweights" as if that is supposed to help me. I don't know how to drop the counterweights!9:51 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

irweak. Looking up walkthrough9:57 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

@BobbyBlackwolf Scribblenauts? Nah, I'd rather play the Brutal Legend Demo. At least that game is awesome to play while drunk.10:06 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck in reply to BobbyBlackwolf

I think I found one. http://bit.ly/cAXqC 10:14 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Okay, I finished that part. It's amazing how simple that was. I really should have figured it out sooner.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Fully pauseable cutscenes FTW.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

It's over? You're right, I haven't seen shit, but I want to!10:22 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I'm gonna play this again!10:23 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Just finished the Brutal Legend Demo again. Might go back for a third go around in the morning.10:45 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck



Dear Apple:!!!

In this space originally was a complaint letter about some of the changes made in iTunes version 9.0, specifically the way podcasts were synced. However, on Saturday I downloaded a new version on iTunes that fixed the problem. So thanks Apple. You heard people bitching about something and fixed what they were bitching about. Things are good now.



Halo 3: Useless God Damn Acronym

Seifer Kinneas, President of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, is sitting in his office. Seifer presses a button on his desk and yells-

Seifer- (In a loud obnoxious tone) Hunter, get in here!
Hunter- Sir, you don’t have to yell through the intercom, it amplifies it for you.
Seifer- I like yelling so I will continue yelling.
Hunter- So, what do you need me for?
Seifer- You’re a video game nerd right?
H- Yes.
S- I need some help with this game I’m playing.
H- What is it?
S- Halo 3 Odst. (Seifer attempts to pronounce the acronym as an actual word.)
H- Odst?
S- Yes, Odst.
H- Sir, it’s an acronym. It’s pronounced O-D-S-T.
S- Okay, then I need you help with Halo 3 O-D-S-T.
H- Okay, what do you need help with?
S- I need you to teach me how not to suck at this game.
H- I can’t help you with that.
S- Why not?
H- I suck at Halo
Seifer looks at Hunter like Hunter had just said the most bizarre thing in the history of man.
S- But you’re a video game nerd.
H- Yes.
S- And you suck at Halo?
H- Yes.
S- But I thought all video game nerd were good at Halo?
H- Not me.
S- Why not?
H- I guess I don’t play Halo enough as I prefer games with good stories behind them.
S- But Odst does have a good story behind it. You see alien, you kill alien. What’s better than that?
H- I guess I need something more than that.
Siefer is visibly depressed at this.
S- Okay, you can leave then.
Hunter then walks out of Seifer’s office.
S- (In an obnoxious and loud tone.) Wait, come back!
Hunter walks back into Seifer’s office.
H- What?
S- What does O-D-S-T stand for?
H- Oh Damn this is the Shit Trent.
S- Okay, be gone with you.
Hunter walks out of Seifer’s office again. Seifer picks up the phone, dials, waits for someone to pick up, and says-
S- Hey Grandpa, you wanna play Halo 3 Oh Damn, this is the Shit Trent?
Siefer has this sincere looking smile on his face as the scene ends.



The Official Bullhorn of the Redertainment Corporation Of America

On Thursday, September 24th, 2009 the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams broadcasted from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, site of the most recent G-20 Summit. During the broadcast a protester on a bullhorn was heard in the background. Due to the dynamics of your garden variety bullhorn, the message the protester was trying to convey was distorted to the point that it was incomprehensible.

After diligent work in the audio labs at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have managed to decipher the message the protester was trying to convey. Here is an audio transcript of that message.

“Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for a moment. I just want to take this opportunity to tell people how great this book I just read is. The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, available for free at Redertainment.com.”

After that the protester kept repeating this message until the broadcast was finished. The identity of the protester is unknown at this point. However it is noteworthy that R.C.O.A. reporter Robin Anderson was out of the office on the day the protester was trying to convey their message. Miss Anderson’s whereabouts during this period is unknown at this point and a phone call to the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, specifically extension 115, would be very much appreciated.