Destroying Your Chance To Translate The Welcoming Riot

Welcome Back... Are You Okay?

It's Thursday morning at The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. Rodger Red, Julia Diana Bobbi, and Liz are busily working away when Hunter Red strolls into the offices. No one reacts to his presence, except for Julia.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter! You're back in one piece.

Hunter is visibly disgusted by this statement by Julia, even as Julia is giving Hunter a hearty hug.

Hunter Red- Liz, what did you tell her?

Liz- That you were off the wagon.

Hunter Red- Yes, what else?

Julia Diana Bobbi- They tried to convince me that you were a lost cause.

Hunter Red- Fuck!

Hunter leaves the general office area and goes into his office. Julia follows him.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, how was your trip?

Hunter Red- Great. I got a lot of work done in between going to shows and stuff.

Julia Diana Bobbi- You worked on your vacation?

Hunter Red- Sure. Why do you think Rodger isn't all over my ass about content?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Because you wrote that five part piece that we've been slowly rolling out on the website.

Hunter Red- The Reunion? Oh. Damn, I forgot about that.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, are you okay?

Hunter Red- Yeah. I got a little sunburnt walking to a strip club, but I get sunburnt anytime I walk outside.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk.

Julia Diana Bobbi- No, I mean, are you okay?

Hunter Red- Yeah. Why do you ask?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Because I'm concerned about you and your battle with alcoholism.

Hunter sighs audibly.

Hunter Red- Julia, I thank you for your concern. (Louder so that Liz and Rodger can hear)The God I don't believe in knows that no one else in this office does.

Liz- I just take the phone calls.

Rodger Red- Remember, your deadline is coming up.

Julia steps a little closer to Hunter's desk, to the point where she takes a seat on the corner of it.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter-

Hunter Red- You're getting awfully close, Julia.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh, I'm sorry.

Hunter Red- I'm not. I don't know if I've told you this before, but you have a delectable butt.

Julia takes this compliment oddly.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Thanks. Anyway, Hunter, I'm concerned about you because I'm aware of the severe effects that alcohol can have on the-

Hunter Red- Do you know when I got back into town?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Yesterday?

Hunter Red- No, Tuesday. Do you know what I did with my extra day?

Julia Diana Bobbi- Cleared out your TiVo and drank?

Hunter Red- I visited my therapist.

Julia doesn't know how to react to this statement.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Okay.

Hunter Red- You see, I can't go to traditional AA, because of the heavy spiritual influence. Instead, the addiction therapist I went to for recovery advised that I go to a clinical psychologist on a regular basis and whenever I slip up.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So you and your therapist talked it out and your back on the road to recovery?

Hunter Red- Yep.

Julia is made jubilant by this affirmation.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Excellent!

Julia hops off Hunter's desk and gives him a hug. Hunter doesn't know what to make of this, but enjoys it regardless.

Julia Diana Bobbi- It's good to see you are dedicated to your recovery.

Hunter Red- It's good to see your butt from this angle.

Julia breaks the hug and makes her way to Hunter's office door.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Hunter, if you ever need to talk about anything, my office is right over there.

Hunter Red- Okay. Thank you.

Hunter is sincere when he thanks Julia. As Julia makes her way toward her office, Hunter says-

Hunter Red- You know, I wasn't kidding about what I said about your butt.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I know, but you, nor anybody else for that manner, will get their hands on my butt untill the night I get married.

Julia continues on her travel to her office and goes out of sight of Hunter's gaze. When she does so, Hunter digs around in his desk, pulls out an old bottle of Grey Goose, opens it and says-

Hunter Red- To that lucky, lucky, lucky man. It won't be me, but I hope that guy knows the kind of woman he's managed to snag.

Hunter takes a swig from his Grey Goose bottle then puts it back in it's drawer.

 

 

 

END SCENE

 

 

 

 

YOU DESTROYED MY CHANCE

 

 

 

 

 

London Rioting

Not being in London during the riots, nor trusting of media reports about them, I can only image what they are like. I imagine they are like this.

 

 

 

 

Lessons In Language And Communications And Talking To People

Hello. We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to bring you these lessons in how to communicate with people in foreign lands that are not America. The following is a series of common Italian phrases that are useful if you go to Italy or other places where the Italian language is prevalent, such as Italy.

Hello.

Ciao.

How are you?

Come stai?

I am well, thank you for asking.

Sto bene, vi ringrazio per avermelo chiesto.

Excuse me, can I have some beer, please?

Mi scusi, posso avere qualche birra, per favore?

Do you have any locally brewed varieties of beer?

Avete qualche varietà di birra prodotta a livello locale?

My, that is large glass.

Il mio, che è il vetro di grandi dimensioni.

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Can I have another?

Posso avere un altro?

Would you, perchance, know where I could pick up a prostitute?

Volete, forse, sapere dove potrei prendere una prostituta?

No, I was not saying your sister is a prostitute.

No, non stavo dicendo a tua sorella è una prostituta.

Boy, that is a shiny knife you have.

Ragazzo, che è un coltello lucido che avete.

Ouch!

Ohi!

No, that is not tomato sauce.

No, non è salsa di pomodoro.

Ouch!

Ohi!

Would you mind not stabbing me again?

Ti dispiacerebbe non mi accoltellamento di nuovo?

Ouch!

Ohi!

Yes, I would like to go to the hospital.

Sì, vorrei andare in ospedale.

What do you mean I have to settle my bill first?

Cosa vuol dire che devo saldare il conto prima?

Why is it suddenly getting dark?

Perché è improvvisamente buio?

Oh no.

Ah no.

Thud.

Tonfo.

Join us for our next Lessons In Language And Communications And Talking To People when we will be featuring Japanese. Here is a sample:

Look, vending machines!

Jidō hanbai-ki, mite!

Ew, vending machines.

EW, jidō hanbai-ki.

 

 

 

 

Red Review: Catherine

Red Review: Catherine

We here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to present our first ever dating show. Cleverly, we have chosen to call this show "The Dating Show". And now, The Dating Show.

It's time for The Dating Show, where viewers and audience members seek dating advice from our host, Warren Steed Jeffs. And now, the host of the show, Warren Jeffs.

Warren enters the set and stands to deliver a message to the audience.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my followers. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I am the Lord's only emissary on the Earth.

Warren takes a seat on one of the chairs on the set.

Warren Steed Jeffs- My first guest is Vincent. Vincent Brooks is a 32 year old office worker. He joins us from his home via Skype.

Vincent appears on a video screen opposite Warren.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Hello, my son.
Vincent Brooks- Hi.
Warren Steed Jeffs- What troubles you, my son.
Vincent Brooks- I'm having trouble with my girlfriend, Katherine. You see, my girlfriend has been dropping hints about wanting to get married.
Warren Steed Jeffs- That is understandable. The desire to become bound to another man in holy marriage is something deeply ingrained in God approved culture.
Vincent Brooks- Right, but there's another woman, also named Catherine.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Another Catherine. Intriguing. Go on.
Vincent Brooks- Anyway, I met Catherine, the younger one, in a bar over drinks.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Lemonade, I presume?
Vincent Brooks- Something I bit stronger than lemonade, Warren. Anyway, we started taking and getting closer to one another, and I'm waking up with her next to me in bed.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I've seen situations like this before. When one engages in the consumption of alcoholic beverages, the lose touch with the Holy Spirit. When one loses touch with the Holy Spirit, one can engage in many acts that the Lord has told us is impure and against his teachings.
Vincent Brooks- Well, now I have a problem.
Warren Steed Jeffs- As well you should, heathen.
Vincent Brooks- Now I'm stuck in a love triangle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Love triangle? What is that?
Vincent Brooks- It's where you are juggling two girls at the same time.
Warren Steed Jeffs- I see no problem. I personally am in a love heptagon.
Vincent Brooks- Well, neither of the girls know of one another.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Ah, that is a problem.
Vincent Brooks- Also, I've been having these weird dreams where I have to climb to the top of a very difficult block puzzle.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Is this block puzzle any more difficult than evading the police while being one of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Criminals?
Vincent Brooks- No, but I'm concerned about the puzzle itself. I'm concerned that if I don't reach the top of the puzzle, or die along the way, I'm concerned that I'll die in the dream, and thereby die in real life.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Such concerns are rife among the heathens.
Vincent Brooks- Now I don't know what to do. I need some help.

Warren thinks for a moment, folds his hands in front of his face, then begins to speak.

Warren Steed Jeffs- Vincent, my son, let me ask you this question.
Vincent Brooks- What is it?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on how they should maintain themselves so that they can sexually please you?

There is a short pause as this question is very odd to Vincent.

Vincent Brooks- Excuse me?
Warren Steed Jeffs- Have you instructed your girlfriends on-
Vincent Brooks- No, I heard you, I just don't quite understand what you mean.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Let me explain. Even among the heathen class that Vincent and his girlfriends belong to, sexual gratification is integral to any relationship. Such gratification is the obligation of the woman. If the woman or women does not sexually gratify her husband, how is the relationship supposed to endure? However, it is not only the woman or women who must play a role in the maintenance of gratification, the man must also play a role. Men must teach his woman or women how to please him in a sexual context, that way sexual gratification can be constantly maintained. The man must teach his woman or women how to groom themselves. How, where, and how often to shave body hair, in particular which patterns the man wishes to see in the body hair of his woman for women. Also, what kinds of clothes the woman or women should wear under the spiritual attire that women are prescribed to wear in public. There are many other aspects of of a woman or women's life that a man, as her spiritual companion and overlord, must impress upon her. Do you understand now, Vincent.

Vincent is visibly disgusted by what Warren has just said.

Vincent Brooks- You are a sick man, Warren.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Please, call me prophet.
Vincent Brooks- What you have just said undermines the very independence that every woman should have.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Where in the Lord's teachings does it say that a woman should be independent?
Vincent Brooks- Would you argue otherwise?
Warren Steed Jeffs- I do not, the Lord does. And as the Lord's one and only emissary on Earth, I know what teachings the Lord wished to be known to the world.
Vincent Brooks- I think you are a sick pervert, who is obsessed with controlling women for the purposes of having unlimited sexual encounters with them.
Warren Steed Jeffs- Many heathens think that way about me and my collection of child brides.
Vincent Brooks- What- child brides? God, why did I come on this show.

The video feed abruptly cuts off.

Warren Steed Jeffs- It appears that the video feed from Vincent has been cut off. Just as well, this heathen was beginning to infect the audience with his satanic message. Well, that's all for the show today. I am Warren Steed Jeffs, prophet, seer, and revelator for the world, reminding you that the one thing you never do is stop praying and obeying. You never stop keeping sweet. See you next time on The Dating Show.

The lights begin to dim on the stage as Warren stands up from his chair as walks off stage.


END SCENE


Catherine: B+

Backward Learning With Skyler Banned

Skyler

For many of us, there's a person that exists in our mind, and only our mind. This is a person who is the product of our deepest desires. This is a person, for many of us, who we may never meet and feel a loss for having never done so. I know who this person is in my mind. I see her everyday. I see her perfectly sculpted legs, her long luxurious hair, her breathtaking smile, I see her. Not only do I see her, I hear her. I hear her sweet golden voice, a voice that mesmerizes me like a Siren.

For many us, this person exists only in our minds, never in reality. Never in the reality of our cold, dark, infinitely depressing world. However, for some fortunate people, this person enters reality, our reality. For the fortunate, this person comes into our lives, and our lives are forever lifted because of it. Such is the case for me.

I went to a place I have gone to before. Usually when I come to this place, I stay there for a period of time and leave rather unsatisfied. This was not to be one of those times. I went to this place and did not spend long there, for I did not have to. Mere minutes after entering this place, I ran straight into a person. The person. The person that only exists in my mind.

We talked for a little bit. Actually, she first engaged in conversation with me. There are no words to describe how much of an impact that had with me. We talked about work, where I crafted a bit on a non-truth about my actual employment, music, where I feigned interest in Chris Cornell, and dress, namely her stunning, stunning top.

Then she said something. Words. The words. The words that forever altered the relationship between myself and the woman who personified my deepest desires.

"So, lapdances are $20, that is for one song, but you can pay for more. There's also the private room. That lasts for a half hour and costs $145. Are you interested?"



Do We Never Learn?

Last year I read a book by David Cullen entitled "Columbine". This book has been described by many as the most definitive report on the Columbine Massacre that has been compiled. As the events that happened in Columbine, Colorado serve as the event with the most impact on my life and my country before I graduated High School, I read this book wanting to learn.

In "Columbine", Mr. Cullen gives a detailed account of the misinformation that was spread around in the days, weeks, and years after the Columbine Massacre. Mr. Cullen talks of news commentators, politicians, musicians, clergy, and ordinary people and what those people learned, said, and did. Mr. Cullen also details how that misinformation affected and still effects the reactions to that massacre.

As I am seeing coverage from the various news outlets that I get my information from, I'm seeing a similar thing happening in relation to the events in Norway on Sunday. Do we never learn?



Backward Outrage

One night I was driving home and I saw something that disturbed me. I pulled up to a light, at the time time someone else pulled into the light in the left turn lane. As I looked around while waiting for the light to change, which I usually do at lights because I am bored, I noticed that the guy in the left turn lane was rolling backward. This concerned me, as it would most people, for I thought that the guy driving the car might be having car trouble. However, the person driving the car didn't seem concerned. Then I realized what he was doing.

The intersection I was sitting at was one fitted with sensors to monitor traffic flow. If there is a lot of cars waiting at one direction of the intersection and not a lot waiting in the other direction of the intersection, the sensors will sense this situation and adjust the traffic lights accordingly. At this intersection there are sensors on the lights and under the asphalt at the intersection. If there are two or more cars at this intersection, or if there is a car on the part of the asphalt where the sensor is, the sensor will go off and adjust the light.

The guy in the left turn lane was rolling backward so that he would set off the sensor embedded in the asphalt in the intersection, ensuring that when the light changed he would get a protected left turn signal. If this isn't illegal it should be.



I'm A Stupid Cat





Happy Birthday!!!... Where Are You

Julia Diana Bobbi walks into the offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America with a box in her hands. She sees Hunter Red's secretary Liz and starts talking to her.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good morning Liz.
Liz- Good morning Julia. What's that you got there?
Julia Diana Bobbi- It's a box.

Liz is not amused by this.

Liz- What is in the box?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, you know how Hunter's been down lately?
Liz- Hunter hasn't been down lately, that's how he normally is.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, I thought I'd lift his spirits.
Liz- How?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Today's his birthday, right?
Liz- Yes.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Don't you think Hunter would like a piece of birthday cake on his birthday?
Liz- Assuming it's cheesecake, sure. There's just one problem.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What's that?
Liz- Hunter isn't here today.
Julia Diana Bobbi- He's not?
Liz- No.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Where is he?


This is when Rodger Red pokes his head out of his office and into the general office area.

Rodger Red- He's in Vegas.
Julia Diana Bobbi- What?
Rodger Red- Hunter is in Las Vegas. He goes down every year on his birthday to get blackout drunk and have random sluts grind on junk.

Julia is puzzled by this.

Julia Diana Bobbi- But he can do that here, why did Hunter go to Vegas to have that done?
Liz- He can't bet on the Red Sox here.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Oh, I see.

There is a short pause.

Julia Diana Bobbi- So, what am I going to do with this cake?
Rodger Red- Might I suggest eating it?
Julia Diana Bobbi- Sure, we could do that, but wouldn't Hunter be offended that we didn't make a big deal of his birthday.
Liz- He'd probably prefer we not acknowledge that he's getting older.
Rodger Red- Besides, if he's anything like his father and if Hunter is back drinking again, he'll probably be unable to remember anything that goes on.
Julia Diana Bobbi- So, what are we going to do about it?

Liz and Rodger look befuddled.

Liz- Do? Honey, we can't do anything to help him.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Don't tell me you two have given up on him?
Rodger Red- Julia, your optimism is cute but your naivety is annoying.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Is it so wrong to think that anyone can be redeemed?
Rodger Red- Yes. Some people can't be helped untill they decide to help themselves.
Julia Diana Bobbi- But, can't there be people along the way showing those people the way, showing them that there are people who, at the very least, care?
Liz- Julia, why don't you just go back to work. I'm sure there's another episode of The Red Question that needs to be planned.

Julia, with evident hesitation, takes the cake box and goes into her office and closes the door. Once inside, she sits in her office chair, faces the window, and begins speaking.

Julia Diana Bobbi- I don't understand them sometimes. I don't. The world is not as negative as they make it out to be. Hunter can be redeemed, there just has to be effort. It can't be one sided, others have to be willing to help. I know I am. (Heavy sigh) I wonder where Hunter is now.


END SCENE



List Of Banned Words

In the interest of keeping everything clean, the following words have been banned for use in the comments section of any blog composed by any employee of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

AARDVARK AARDWOLF AARON ABA ABA ABA ABACUS ABALONE ABARKA ABATEMENT WORKER ABAYA ABBESS ABBEY ABBOT ABDOMEN ABETTOR ABIABA ABI ABODE A-BOMB SHELTER ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN ABOMINATION ABOYNE SKIRT ABRAHAM LINCOLN ABSCISSIN ABSCONDER ABSOLUTIST ABTEN ABUTMENT ABYSS ABYSSINIA ABYSSINIAN CA ABYSSINIAN PI AC ACACIA ACACIA SEED ACACIA TREE ACADEMIC ACADEMICAL DRESS ACADEMICALS ACADEMIC CAP ACADEMIC DRESS ACADEMIC GOWN ACADEMIC REGALIA ACADEMY ACAI ACAI BERRY ACAI PALM ACAPNOTIC ACARICID AC CABLE ACCENSOR ACCENTOR ACCENT PILLOW
ACCESS CHAMBER ACCESSORY ACCOMMODATION ACCOMPLICE ACCORDION ACCORDION BUS ACCOUNTANT ACCUSER ACE ACEDIAST ACEPHALIST ACEPROMAZINE ACEROLA ACERSECOMIC ACETABULU ACETALDEHYDE ACETAMIDE ACETAMINOPHEN ACETIC ANHYDRIDE ACETOMETER ACETONE ACETONE PEROXIDE ACETYLENE ACHAR ACHEE ACHELOUSAURUS ACHENE ACHERI ACHILLES TENDON ACHOCHA ACHOKCHA ACHOR ACHRONITE ACICULA ACID ACID DESCALE ACIPENSE ACKEE ACOG SCOPE ACOLYTE ACONITE ACONITUM ACORN ACORN JELLY ACORN SQUASH ACORN TREE ACOUMETER ACOUSTIC BASS GUITAR ACOUSTIC GUITAR ACRAEIN ACREAGE ACROBAT ACROCANTHOSAURUS ACROGEN ACROLEIN ACROLITH ACRONY ACROPODIUM ACROPOLIS ACROSPIRE ACRYLAMIDE ACRYLIC ACRYLONITRILE ACTAEA ACTAME ACTINIDE ACTINIUM ACTINOGRAPH ACTINOMETE ACTION FIGURE ACTIVIST ACTOR ACTRESS ACTUARY ACUPUNCTURIST ADAM ADAM ADAMANTIUM ADAM'S APPLE ADAPTER ADDER ADDRESS BOOK ADEMONIST ADENOMA ADEQUAN ADESPOTON ADHERENT ADHESIVE ADIABOLIST ADIT ADJUNCT ADJUTAN ADJUVANT ADMINICLE ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT

More words to be revealed over the next weeks and months.

The Reunion: Part 5

Part 5

The turkey bacon club that I ordered came about halfway through Jed's story. Usually, I just dive right into sandwiches like this because I adore the combination of flightless birds and flightless gargantuan mammals. I didn't do that this time. I was listening intently to every word that Jed said. Not because it was seducing me, but because it made me nervous. When Jed finished his story, he looked at me as if he wanted my approval. All I could say was, "Okay." That's all I had. It would have been totally romantic if I would have had a totally positive and life affirming reaction to this story, but I didn't. The only thing going through my mind at that moment was memories of Starlin.

What I told Jed of my relationship with Starlin wasn't the complete story. I did meet Starlin while I was going to UCONN. He was a philosophy major and I was a photography major who had a thing for philosophy majors. We dated for a long time, then we got married, because we can do that in Connecticut, in front of family, some friends from college, and the 4563 people watching on UStream. Not everybody approved of this union. In fact, Starlin's grandparents were told that their sweet grandson was marrying his longtime girlfriend that he had accidentally knocked up. There was no mass of cells growing inside of me, but there was a mass growing inside Starlin.

We went off for a honeymoon/working vacation in Puerto Rico. In between dining out, getting drunk, and touring the Captain Morgan plant as a “business trip”, Starlin started complaining about a stomach bug. He and I joked about him picking up a parasite at the Captain Morgan plant, but the doctor we saw was not in a jovial mood. Starlin had cancer, a cancer that had started in his stomach and spread to his liver, lymph nodes, and brain. With as far along as the cancer had progressed, there were no effective treatment options. Starlin, the man who epitomized my grandest fantasies, was going to die.

His final words were, "Holland, I wish I could have spent more time with you. The thought of me putting you through this experience pains me more than the disease does. I love you." Then he closed his eyes and took his final breaths. 2:01 P.M., May 11th, 2011.

After that I didn't want to do anything. My bosses at The Ridgefield Press were a great source of support, but they couldn't give me what I truly wanted. What I wanted was Starlin. I wanted the pain of losing him to go away. Not for me to forget him, but for it not to hurt anymore. Then the invitation arrived in the mail. Somehow, the class historian had found me and invited me to my High School reunion. This seemed like a good opportunity to feel something good.

Then Jed told his story to me. No. Not again. Not this soon. Not with the wounds so fresh in my romantic soul. No. No. No.

The look on Jed's face prevented me from just running away, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't lay all the things I had recently gone through on Jed, but I also couldn't crush him. Giving someone an ounce of the pain I was going through at that time would have been just too cruel.

"Jed, I didn't know you felt that way about me. I wish I had."

"Well, I didn't know how to tell you Holland. When you left for College, I still didn't. I'm only getting my head around this now."

"Jed, I want to try. I really do. But, I can't just leave my job, my life in Ridgefield."

Jed got his rejected look on his face. "Oh. Okay."

"But we should keep in touch. Who knows. Maybe, over the course of several late night Skype conversations, you can convince me to come home."

I took Jed's hand, look deep into his eyes, and kissed him. The look on Jed's face was one of optimism, a face I don't remember seeing the whole time we were friends in school. I had let him down, softly. For now, I had prevented Jed from experiencing the romantic pain I was still trying to deal with myself.

Perhaps something can develop between Jed and I. The cards hold such funny things for us. Who was I to know that I would fall in love with a man like Starlin. It's not something that I'm going to pursue though. For now, I need to get back to my life. I need to start developing a new normal for myself.


THE END