****- It's a Bird, It's a Dog, It's a Pair of Red Heads!

The Hawk by Hunter Red
Take the normal superhero origin story. Guy gets powers, guy discovers he has powers, guy goes out to save the world. Now factor this in: the guy has a score to settle.



The Hawk by Hunter Red. Available for you to download for free by clicking on the link above, or go to Redertainment.com and find the same link there. Download it, print it off, read it, give it to your friends, and tell me what you think, or don't.

Want a suggestion? Print off The Hawk, go buy U2's No Line on the Horizin, sit in your favorite chair, and start enjoying them both. They have nothing to do with each other, I just think it's a good idea.



Ein's Blog #1
For years, I had said in jest, "Everyone and their dog has a blog." Now my dog has a blog. Here is Ein's first blog post: What I Do All Day

For years, my male human has wondered what I do all day. He has no idea what I do between the time I see him off and the time I see him return.

One day he set up a camera to capture these activities. he thought he had done it all secretively, but I knew what that teddy bear was for. So I decided to screw with him. I sat in front of the bear with this cheesy grin on my face, all day long. When my male human got home, he reviewed the tape, looked at me, and said "Weird".

It's not like I do anything weird. I eat, sleep, get some exercise, pleasure myself, eat, sleep, whatever. Occasionally I go see Valentine. It's purely a physical relationship. I don't need to get burned again like I did with Julia.

Sometimes the female human will come over. She feeds me, we play a little bit, and I pester her as she grooms herself, puts on clothes, and drowns out her natural smell. I don't know why humans insist on having clothes on when they're around other humans. I roam around naked all day and I don't see anyone having a problem with it. Also, as far as I can tell, humans tend to have more fun when they're not wearing clothes.

There's not much else I do when my male human isn't around. I am curious as to what my male human does all day without me. Maybe someday I'll place a camera in one of the head covering he wears everyday, or maybe I'll sneak into the trunk of his car like one of my former female humans did.

Till next time, keep on licking!
Ein



Comedian Blamed For Losses

Recently, Funcom, makers of such games as Casper and Pocahontas, announced they had lost $22.3 Million in the fourth quarter. Most analysts blame this loss on their lackluster Conan MMORPG. However, in a statement released today, Funcom CEO Trond Arne Aas blames the loss on one person, Conan O'Brien.


Trond Arne Aas said, "The blame for the poor critical response and less than projected subscribership for our Conan MMORPG can be laid solely at the feet of that ginger haired bastard. Did he mention the game once on his show? No! Did he provide voice or motion capture for the game? No! Is he going to give any of his Tonight Show salary to keep this game aloft? NO! Ungrateful Ivy League prick." When informed that Funcom's Conan MMORPG was based on Conan the Barbarian and not Conan O'Brien, Mr. Aas proceeded to swear profusely then went to the bar to get faced.

When asked for a comment on this story, Mr. O'Brien said, "I have no idea what you're talking about," then proceeded to jump and dance around like a squirrel on crystal meth.

The future of Funcom's Conan MMORPG is unknown at this point. What is known is this: The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien premiers on June 1st and will be awesome.


The Red Interview- Jun Takeuchi

Hello and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host, Hunter Red. With me today is Jun Takeuchi, acclaimed producer of Resident Evil 5. He is here to talk about the recently announced Lost Planet Squared.

R- Mr. Takeuchi, it is very nice to meet you.
T- Thank you, but what did you say were going to talk about?
R- The game that you, last Monday, exclusively announced on Xbox Live, Lost Planet Squared. Now, Mr Takeuchi-
T- The name of the game that I announced was Lost Planet 2.
R- I heard no mention of Lost Planet 2 in the video, and the logo clearly says Lost Planet with the number two placed in a way that conveys Squared not Two.
T- I can assure you, the name of the game is Lost Planet 2, the placement of the two in the logo is just to make it look cool.
R- So you care more about something looking cool than conveying the message properly?
T- Let's just move on.
R- Okay. In the trailer I saw for Lost Planet Squared it is evident that you will be able to shoot and move in this game. Why hasn't this ability been brought to the Resident Evil franchise?
T- That's it. Fuck it, I'm out of here.

At this point Jun Takeuchi got up and stormed out of the interview room.

Well that's it for The Red Interview. I'd like to thank my guest Jun Takeuchi for being here today. I am Hunter Red reminding you, boxers first, then pants. See ya soon.

****- Format Experiment

I'm experimenting with a new format for this blog. Bear with me as this may be the only time I do this.

Red "Apologizes"

I have been asked, once again, to apologize for my verbal and physical assault of Redertainment Corporation of America intern Spencer Pratt. At first I refused, I still contend that the little shit deserved it. Then I was threatened to be removed from my office, to which I replied, "So what? I can do this shit sitting in a coffee house, while riding on the train, or while naked in my house." Guess which one I'd prefer. Then they threatened to take away my stock options. This is what motivated my statement today because I was planning, someday, to cash in my RCOA stock and buy a bottle of Coke. So here it goes.

If anyone was offended by my wholly justified actions against that fucking douchebag, I sincerely apologize. Also, if you were offended, you are a wholly corrupt person whose opinion has no value in civilized society. Smooches!



Sonic and the Black Knight Comments



Among the things set to be released by Sega and Sonic Team is Sonic and the Black Knight, set for a March 3rd release date.

When asked for a comment about this game, Sonic Team head Yojiro Ogawa said, "Tis but a scratch."

When asked for a comment about this game, John Cleese said, "Get off my fucking porch."





Demon Spawn Confirmed for November 2009



Recently, Jack Thompson had been infuriating gamers, inlcuding me, by getting together with the Utah Eagle Forum to craft Utah's HB 353. a question had been lingering in my mind as to why Jack Thompson would do this. Yes, he's an ardent video game critic. Yes, he's been pushing for legislation across the country, but why Utah? The answer to that question has finally been revealed. Gayle Ruzika, President of the Utah Eagle Forum, is pregnant with Jack Thompson's love child.

When rumors of this first surfaced, Miss Ruzika denied it completely, saying, "Sex outside of marriage is evil. Are you saying I'm evil?" However, on Friday, exclusively to this reporter, Miss Ruzika confirmed that she is pregnant with Mr. Thompson's child. She then went into explicit detail about the night of conception, information I was in no way eager to know.

When asked about his pending little bundle of joy, Mr. Thompson said, "I look forward to the monumental impact it will have on the world." When informed that I was calling about the child and not HB 353, Mr. Thompson said, "Yes, I fucked Gayle Ruzika. And ya know what, she;s got a great set of-", at that point I hung up the phone.

One of the groups who works in concert with the Utah Eagle Forum is the Sutherland Institute. Bill Duncan, director of the Sutherland Institute, said of Gayle's pregnancy, "This is truly a blessing. We look forward to the great success this straight couple is sure to have. Now, if they were gay, we'd be working to make their life a living hell. After all, as the Lord said, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone", and we're normal, so cast away!"

The child, expected to be named either Alma or Damien, has an expected release date of November 20th 2009.



Onechanbarra (360) Review


Like many other sports fans, I received the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the mail not to long ago. An entire magazine filled with bikini clad super models delivered in a way that is in no way pornographic. Well, maybe the members of the Utah Eagle Forum think it's pornographic, but I could give a rat's ass what they think.

On the cover, in addition to Bar Refaeli, was Danica Patrick. I assumed, since she was on the cover, that there would be another pictorial featuring the IRL superstar, similar to the one they did last year. Guess how many pictures there are in the 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue? Two.

Two. Two? TWO! Are you kidding me, TWO!!!

What a fucking disappointment. You have access to this athlete who is admired as much for her gifts in front of the camera as she is for her gifts on the track, and you run only two pics? Not only that, but with a pictorial so small, you choose to advertise it on the cover? Are you kidding me? What a disappointment.

Not long after receiving the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, I started playing Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360. This game was also a disappointment. It didn't illicit the same kind of rage response the Danica Patrick "pictorial" did, but was disappointing nonetheless.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad: C-



L4D Mod Encourages Rebellion


Valve's Left 4 Dead has emerged as a multiplayer hit on the PC and Xbox 360. Like many PC games, mods have been made that reflect creativity, stupidity, and randomness of the people who play this game. One of these mods caught my attention. The mod is called "Rebel Against Conservatism".

In Left 4 Dead you play as a ragtag team of people tying to survive the zombie apocalypse. In the Rebel Against Conservatism mod, teams of non-conformists try to extricate themselves from their homes after the Christian Right violently takes over Salt Lake City, Utah. In Left 4 Dead you try to evade an endless supply of zombies who want to kill you and eat your brains. Some concept in Rebel Against Conservatism.

Included in this mod are eight new characters, four each for the rebels and the conservatives. Here are their descriptions:

Rebels-
Derrick- Derrick is a natural born leader who is more than willing to motivate you by kicking you in the ass. as a young black man, the conservatives are eager to bring Derrick down, but with natural talents and man made weaponry at his disposal, he is more than ready to repel them.
Celeste-As a young white woman, Celeste might seem to be shocking target of conservative attacks. However once you factor in that she's a vegetarian who listens to hippie music, you can see why the conservatives want to knock her down a peg. Years on the internet has given Celeste the skills to repel the pasty single minded creeps that populate the conservative horde.
Jason-One of the tenants of the conservative movement is abstinence. Abstaining from beer, sex, and anything fun. Jeff is an expert in the field of alcohol, plays video games, and has a young daughter. The Christian Right is eager to strike down somebody who blatantly spits in the face of one of its tenants. Jason has two things to defend himself with: A beer keg that would make Soundgarden jealous, and a mighty impressive piece of artillery, or at least that's what she said.
Hunter-Hunter is a short red headed asshole. That's the best way to describe him. As the conservatives are full of assholes, why is Hunter a rebel? One: Hunter doesn't like it when anyone tells him what to do. Two: As a postal employee, Hunter has access to a lot of artillery and, from an early age, learned the value of sharing.

Conservatives-
Dick-Dick is a guy who lives up to his name. Dick is an evil genius who reacts in a rage when things don't go exactly his way. Despite looking old and feeble, Dick has the ability to tear your ass apart when motivated in any way.
Buttars- Buttars contributes nothing positive to this world. All he does is see something that is foreign to him and then seeks to destroy it. Despite limited physical skills and lack of a brain, Buttars is a surprisingly successful character. Messing with this guy, more often than not, ends up in the death of you.
Graham-Graham is a lemming. No matter the situation or the odds against him, Graham will follow his leaders implicitly, even if the destination is the bottom of a ravine. Graham is not the strongest character, but every enemy horde needs a mass of individuals willing to give up their individuality.
Rush-Rush may not look like much of a threat, that is, until you evoke his rage. Doing so will cause Rush to spew his endless supply of hot air. This hot air serves as a draw for the perpetually, and unbelievably, multiplying horde of zombies at his call. If you are hit with Rush's hot air, be prepared for an epic fight.

Playing this Left 4 Dead mod is not only a fun thing to do with friends, but also a healthy way to excise your hatred for the Conservative Right. I look forward to playing this until the point when the Utah State Legislature decides this is evil and seek to shut it down. Then I will play it more.

Buttars Must Go!

There's about forty-five days a year that I seriously think about leaving the state of Utah, those are the forty-five days that the Utah State Legislature is in session. The politicians who claim to represent the people of Utah are an utter embarrassment and represent the worst of this state. The man pictured above is the worst of these politicians. Utah State Senator Chris Buttars

Buttars: Gays 'greatest threat to America'

I've written blog posts against Chris Buttars in the past, and I feel if he is not removed from office that I will do so again and again. If Chris Buttars does not resign or is forced out of office, I promise to work within the system to remove this embarrassment once and for all. I will campaign for his opponent, no matter who it is. I will give my time, give my money, I just might even join the Utah Democratic Party if that is what it will take.

No longer can I tolerate the utter unapologetic hatred Chris Buttars spews on a daily basis. Chris Buttars must go!

Red Valentine's Day

Several weeks ago, I posted a blog about my relationship with Delany. My utterly incompetent relationship with Delany.

After several suggestions to do so, I got in contact with Delany for the purposes of pursuing her romantically. This is how I met her husband Scott. This is also how I met Scott's fists. This is also how I met Emily Carlson, attending doctor at the Emergency Room at St. Mark's Regional Medical Center. Having Dr. Carlson place a catheter in me as the closest thing I've had to sex with a woman in my twenty-five years of life. Happy Valentine's Day!



Also, coming March 1st, The Hawk.