H-Red Admits To Intern Abuse

Here at the Redertainment Corporation of America, we employ several interns. We use these inters as gophers, research bunnies, printed material deers, and receptacles for our genetic material. One of these interns is Spencer Pratt, who is often featured on E!'s The Soup and apparently appears on another show on a network I had purged from my brain years ago.

Last week, as I was finishing up the story portion of my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, I launched into a rage filled verbal assault at Spencer Prat, which was reminiscent of the brilliant rant by Christian Bale. This rant included forty-five uses of the word fuck, a personal record. Included in this rant was the following quote:

"You god damn mother fucking unapologetic douchebag! What the fuck don't you fucking understand about I don't fucking drink fucking coffee! You fucking empty headed piece of fucking shit! I have more fucking brains in my fucking finger- MY FUCKING FINGER- then you'd have if we fucking cloned you twenty fucking times."

This is a rant that I am most proud of.

I was asked by the upper management at the Redertainment Corporation of America to apologize to Spencer Pratt for this verbal assault. I refuse, that little shit deserved it. I also refuse to apologize for assaulting Spencer Pratt with objects. These objects include pens, pencils, paper clips, pads of Post-it Notes, and bottles of JR's BBQ Sauce.

A five minute long recording of this tirade was posted online, much to my delight and my companies dismay. The recording going public is a direct result of the relentless efforts of Parody Illustrated reporter Julia Quintanilla. The fact that a fine publication such as Parody Illustrated would encourage, even subsidize, the actions of Miss Quintanilla is a shame. Julia Quintanilla has blatantly invaded my personal privacy on many occasions. She has been arrested for entering into my house, my office, my car, my wife's car, my mistresses' home, and the office supply store where I purchased the things I pelted that fucking douchebag with. Miss Quintanilla is a pudgy, lonely waste of femininity who probably hasn't gotten laid this decade.

Now I know the things I just said about this reporter are pretty incendiary, and yes, I know there is no police record in the state of Utah for Julia Quintanilla, but let's face facts. I am Hunter Red. I am rich, famous, and lots of women want to fuck me. Who are you going to believe?

Now, if you'll accuse me, I have to go fucking mace this fucking douchebag. I fucking love fucking medieval armaments.

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