Here at the Redertainment Corporation of America, we employ several interns. We use these inters as gophers, research bunnies, printed material deers, and receptacles for our genetic material. One of these interns is Spencer Pratt, who is often featured on E!'s The Soup and apparently appears on another show on a network I had purged from my brain years ago.
Last week, as I was finishing up the story portion of my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, I launched into a rage filled verbal assault at Spencer Prat, which was reminiscent of the brilliant rant by Christian Bale. This rant included forty-five uses of the word fuck, a personal record. Included in this rant was the following quote:
"You god damn mother fucking unapologetic douchebag! What the fuck don't you fucking understand about I don't fucking drink fucking coffee! You fucking empty headed piece of fucking shit! I have more fucking brains in my fucking finger- MY FUCKING FINGER- then you'd have if we fucking cloned you twenty fucking times."
This is a rant that I am most proud of.
I was asked by the upper management at the Redertainment Corporation of America to apologize to Spencer Pratt for this verbal assault. I refuse, that little shit deserved it. I also refuse to apologize for assaulting Spencer Pratt with objects. These objects include pens, pencils, paper clips, pads of Post-it Notes, and bottles of JR's BBQ Sauce.
A five minute long recording of this tirade was posted online, much to my delight and my companies dismay. The recording going public is a direct result of the relentless efforts of Parody Illustrated reporter Julia Quintanilla. The fact that a fine publication such as Parody Illustrated would encourage, even subsidize, the actions of Miss Quintanilla is a shame. Julia Quintanilla has blatantly invaded my personal privacy on many occasions. She has been arrested for entering into my house, my office, my car, my wife's car, my mistresses' home, and the office supply store where I purchased the things I pelted that fucking douchebag with. Miss Quintanilla is a pudgy, lonely waste of femininity who probably hasn't gotten laid this decade.
Now I know the things I just said about this reporter are pretty incendiary, and yes, I know there is no police record in the state of Utah for Julia Quintanilla, but let's face facts. I am Hunter Red. I am rich, famous, and lots of women want to fuck me. Who are you going to believe?
Now, if you'll accuse me, I have to go fucking mace this fucking douchebag. I fucking love fucking medieval armaments.
The Writing Of Hunter Red
The Hawk
Take your normal superhero origin story. Guy gets powers, guy realizes he has powers, guy goes out to save the world. Now factor this in: the guy has a score to settle.
The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust
Everybody wonders what it is that makes them who they are. The Hawk thought that question was securely answered. However a meeting with a boy in a hospital causes him to question everything. Why he is, who he is, what he is, and even if he is.
Whatever Beacons The Hawk
Eleven years after the events of Consequences Of Mayorust, The Hawk finds himself dealing with many of the same issues that many of us deal with: A less than satisfying job, co-workers of variant annoyance, and a romantic life is unhealthy at best. Thrust into all this is Madison Medina, a well meaning woman who's adversarial relationship with The Hawk morphs into a kind of friendship. Madison, in addition to learning more about herself and her abilities, help to reveal deeper problems inside the organization both she and The Hawk work for.
The Black Robin Christmas Carol
In every workplace there is a person. A person who doesn't talk to anyone, has walled themselves socially, and seems openly hostile to everyone. Every workplace has this person, even if you don't know of such a person, they're there. The Black Robin Christmas Carol is the story of one of these people. It delves into who this person is, why this person is, and how this person can change for the better.
Volume 11
There is a story. A story of pain, a story of loss, a story of unspeakable horrors, a story that has not been given it's proper attention. Some are ignoring this story. Some are unaware of this story. Some know of this story but are complicit in it's darkness. This is a story that must be told. Told so that the good can stop it and the bad can feel shame for it.
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