CONAN BOARD GAME SURPASSES KICKSTARTER FUNDING GOAL
Wow, a Conan O'Brien board game. I'm getting this first day, man.
Showing posts with label Conan O'Brien. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conan O'Brien. Show all posts
#TeamCocoMTVMovieAwards
After the 2014 Grammy Awards broadcast, I swore off all awards shows. As I stated in a blog post, I wasn't that interested in any awards shows to begin with, and, after Nine Inch Nails got cut off, was against seeing any of them. I have gone on to state on various social media platforms that I don't give a flying fuck about award shows, and would rather spend my Sunday nights listening to Orange Lounge Radio. I am so opposed to watching award shows that I can't realistically think of anything that might motivate me to watch an award show.
Conan O'Brien Will Host The 2014 MTV Movie Awards
Great, now I have to watch the MTV Movie Awards for the first time in over a decade. How am I going to survive this?
That's a good start.
Classy Body Pillow Plates Movie Lawsuit
So, yeah,
this is a thing that actually available in America from an American store.
I have
one question to ask about this: Can I get a plate that reads "In Nothing I
Trust"?
Zynga V.
Taylorsville
Recently Kobojo settled a copyright infringement lawsuit brought by
Zynga over it's Pyramidville game.
Zynga claimed that Kobojo's use of the suffix "-ville"
infringed on their game Farmville. This
case was settled out of court with Kojobo changing the name of it's game Pyramidville to PyramidValley.
Outside
observers have said that this case was settled out of court because of Kojobo's small size compared to Zynga.
If the case had gone to trial, Kojobo would have had a tough time
mounting a competent legal defense due to it's limited resources. Such an observation may be put to the test
with the next lawsuit Zynga plans to pursue.
Zynga's new lawsuit also goes after a small entity with limited
financial resources, due in part to the downturn in the American economy. On Tuesday, Zynga filed a copyright
infringement lawsuit against Taylorsville, Utah.
You read
that right, Zynga is suing Taylorsville, Utah.
Taylorsville is not a company, a band, a blog, or any kind of privately
held entity. Taylorsville, Utah is a
city. Taylorsville is a city in Salt Lake County, Utah, United States. It is part of the Salt Lake City, UtahMetropolitan Statistical Area. The population was 57,439 at the 2000 census. Taylorsville was incorporated from the Taylorsville-Bennion CDP and portions of the Kearns CDP on April 24, 1996.
When
reached for comment, President of Zynga Mark Pincus gave the following statement:
For
too long many city, town, municipalities, and other podunks have flaunted their
disregard for the copyright that we hold.
Zynga invented -ville. Before
Zynga came along, no one ever used the suffix -ville for anything. That is an established fact, established in a
court of law. If anyone dares to
disagree with us, Zynga dares them to face us in a court of law. We will emerge victorious for we are a
corporation, and, in the eyes of the law, we are right."
When
asked by this publication for a comment Russ Wall, the Mayor of Taylorsville refused,
stating:
All
you publications are a part of the lamestream biased liberal media. We do not tolerate your kind here.
The case
is expected to go to trial next August, unless it get settled out of court
beforehand.
C:T.O.L.G.E.
On
Thursday, stories started circulating about an upcoming movie project
involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. This
project was reported to feature the former California Governor reprising his
role as Conan the Barbarian. This movie
was reported to be a continuation of the franchise that Schwarzenegger starred in
during the 80's, not a continuation of the franchise starring that one guy from
the first season of Game Of Thrones who we never understood and died for some
reason.
On Friday
the story that was reported began to unravel.
Upon contact with the studio responsible for the project, Universal Studios,
the true details of the project began to be revealed. The Conan project that Arnold Schwarzenegger is
signed on to is not a continuation of the Conan The Barbarian franchise. Rather, the project is a biopic about Conan
O'Brien.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in Conan: The Only Likeable Ginger Ever. This movie follows O'Brien's time while host
of the Tonight Show, his departure from NBC, and the various nerd riots that occurred during that time. Other people
attached to the project are Will Arnett playing the role of Andy Richter,
Brandon Flowers playing the role of Max Weinberg, and Deon Cole to play The
Sexiest Black Man On TV, a role loosely based on himself.
Another
name attached to this project is making waves among the conservative
press. In the movie, former NBC
executive Jeff Zucker is portrayed as a devious, conniving, dumb man who is set
out to ruin Conan O'Brien's career, and also the prospects of any red haired
person having any sort of role in the entertainment industry. To fill this role, producers sought someone
who has experience with the role and can accurately portray a man who is
unapologetically and irremediably evil.
Attached to play the role of Jeffery Zucker is former conservative talk
show host Michael Savage.
Conan:
The Only Likeable Ginger Ever is set, like many other projects, for a summer
2014 release.
Brassica Oleracea
NO! Updated
Recently, discussions held in the United States Congress has devolved in a way that many people find disturbing. The need for a two thirds vote to end discussion on any subject, whether it's something large like future tax rates or the extension of health benefits to 9/11 responders, is something many pundits, bloggers, and other opinonists have decried. Some have already compared this debate to the debate over the oral consumption of Brassica Oleracea. Here is a short transcript of that debate.
John- Timmy, are you feeling okay?
Timmy- Yes.
John- Okay. Are you done with dinner?
Timmy- Yes, can I have dessert now, please?
John- Have you finished your brussel sprouts?
Timmy- No.
John- Well then you haven’t finished your dinner and so can’t have dessert.
Timmy- But I want dessert.
John- Then finish your brussel sprouts.
Timmy- No.
John- Then you can’t have dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- Timothy, that is the rule. If you don’t finish your dinner-
Timmy- No.
John- -then you can’t have any dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- That’s the rule and if you don’t follow the rule, you can go to your room young man. Look, I'll even make a compromise with you. You see the five brussel sprouts you have on your plate?
Timmy- No.
John- Well, you have five brussel sprouts on your plate. Now, you don't have to eat all of them. Here-
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have four brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have three brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have two brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have one brussel sprout on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Well, I'm sorry, if you can't eat even one brussel sprout, then you can not have dessert.
Timmy- You’re a fascist.
John- Timothy, that is a very hurtful thing to say to someone, and is, in all likelihood not true. Now, you can either finish your brussel sprouts-
Timmy- No.
John- -and then have dessert or not finish your brussel sprouts and go to bed.
Timmy- No.
John- Those are the choices you have.
Timmy- No!
Timmy then launches into a loud, furious, and violent temper tantrum. This goes on for several hours while John sits at the table, impotent to stop him. Neither Timmy nor John had dessert that night.
Hobbies, Hobbies, And Additional Hobbies!
Heather- Man, video games are a complete waste of time.
David- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Bryan- Man, scrapbooking is a complete waste of time.
Morgan- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Nate- Man, button collecting is a complete waste of time.
Chester- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Ronald- Man, taxidermy is a complete waste of time.
Anna- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Sally- Man, collecting Grateful Dead memorabilia is a complete waste of time.
Walter- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Joan- Man, dressing like characters in Mad Men is a complete waste of time.
Don- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Clarissa- Man, stalking Melissa Joan Hart is a complete waste of time.
Bruce- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Julia- Man, collecting, cataloguing, and maintaing a pornography archive is a complete waste of time.
Hunter- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Conan: Age of the Masturbating Bear
On Thursday, it was revealed that Paradox Entertainment and Digital Development Management are currently developing a new game based on Conan O'Brien. This game is believed to be a followup to the failed MMORPG launched during the final year of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, before the comedian's move to The Tonight Show, and later his move to Twitter. Included in the story about this game is this picture:
It is unknown what connection this picture has to Mr. O'Brien, but it does imply that the Evil Puppy will be making an appearance in this game.
Recently, discussions held in the United States Congress has devolved in a way that many people find disturbing. The need for a two thirds vote to end discussion on any subject, whether it's something large like future tax rates or the extension of health benefits to 9/11 responders, is something many pundits, bloggers, and other opinonists have decried. Some have already compared this debate to the debate over the oral consumption of Brassica Oleracea. Here is a short transcript of that debate.
John- Timmy, are you feeling okay?
Timmy- Yes.
John- Okay. Are you done with dinner?
Timmy- Yes, can I have dessert now, please?
John- Have you finished your brussel sprouts?
Timmy- No.
John- Well then you haven’t finished your dinner and so can’t have dessert.
Timmy- But I want dessert.
John- Then finish your brussel sprouts.
Timmy- No.
John- Then you can’t have dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- Timothy, that is the rule. If you don’t finish your dinner-
Timmy- No.
John- -then you can’t have any dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- That’s the rule and if you don’t follow the rule, you can go to your room young man. Look, I'll even make a compromise with you. You see the five brussel sprouts you have on your plate?
Timmy- No.
John- Well, you have five brussel sprouts on your plate. Now, you don't have to eat all of them. Here-
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have four brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have three brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have two brussel sprouts on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Okay, I'll compromise further.
John eats a brussel sprout from Timmy's plate.
John- There, now you have one brussel sprout on your plate. Can you eat those?
Timmy- No.
John- Well, I'm sorry, if you can't eat even one brussel sprout, then you can not have dessert.
Timmy- You’re a fascist.
John- Timothy, that is a very hurtful thing to say to someone, and is, in all likelihood not true. Now, you can either finish your brussel sprouts-
Timmy- No.
John- -and then have dessert or not finish your brussel sprouts and go to bed.
Timmy- No.
John- Those are the choices you have.
Timmy- No!
Timmy then launches into a loud, furious, and violent temper tantrum. This goes on for several hours while John sits at the table, impotent to stop him. Neither Timmy nor John had dessert that night.
Hobbies, Hobbies, And Additional Hobbies!
Heather- Man, video games are a complete waste of time.
David- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Bryan- Man, scrapbooking is a complete waste of time.
Morgan- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Nate- Man, button collecting is a complete waste of time.
Chester- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Ronald- Man, taxidermy is a complete waste of time.
Anna- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Sally- Man, collecting Grateful Dead memorabilia is a complete waste of time.
Walter- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Joan- Man, dressing like characters in Mad Men is a complete waste of time.
Don- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Clarissa- Man, stalking Melissa Joan Hart is a complete waste of time.
Bruce- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Julia- Man, collecting, cataloguing, and maintaing a pornography archive is a complete waste of time.
Hunter- You know, I don't insult your hobby, don't insult mine.
Conan: Age of the Masturbating Bear
On Thursday, it was revealed that Paradox Entertainment and Digital Development Management are currently developing a new game based on Conan O'Brien. This game is believed to be a followup to the failed MMORPG launched during the final year of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, before the comedian's move to The Tonight Show, and later his move to Twitter. Included in the story about this game is this picture:
It is unknown what connection this picture has to Mr. O'Brien, but it does imply that the Evil Puppy will be making an appearance in this game.
****- Captain Jeff And The Incredible Burning Fraiser
In the port known as Network, controlled by the high and mighty Fascist Control Corporation, there are four big ships. Sure there are little ships that dart in and out of the port known as Network, but those ships rarely matter. These four ships are The Tiffany, The Mickey, The Bart, and The Fraiser. What follows is the story of The Fraiser and its captain, known only as Captain Jeff.
Our story begins in the office of Captain Jeff on board The Fraiser. Captain Jeff is contemplating some hard decisions when his assistant, Liz, enters his office.
Liz- Captain Jeff, the owner of The Fraiser is here to see you.
Captain Jeff- Good, let him in.
The owner of The Fraiser, Gary Edwards, enters Captain Jeff’s office.
Gary Edwards- Captain Jeff.
CJ- Mr. Edwards, a pleasure to see you sir.
GE- Well, this isn’t a pleasure visit Jeffery.
CJ- Okay, what is this about?
GE- I’ve sold The Fraiser.
There is a short pause.
CJ- You’ve sold The Fraiser?
GE- Yes.
CJ- May I ask to whom?
GE- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. I hear he’s good.
GE- He is.
CJ- And he knows how to pilot his own ship.
GE- He does. Well, I’m getting out of here. Good luck.
Gary Edwards sprints out of Captain Jeff’s office and off The Fraiser. Liz reenters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Captain Jeff is visibly shaken at the news that The Fraiser has been sold. He collects himself and says-
CJ- Can you get Nick and Jay to come to my office?
Liz- Yes sir.
Liz leaves Captain Jeff’s office, leaving him alone. Then another person enters.
Nick- Captain Jeff, you called for me sir?
CJ- Nick, you’re in charge of one of the sections of the ship’s prime sections, right. The sections where everybody hangs out?
N- Yes I am sir.
CJ- And you will do anything I ask?
N- Yes sir.
Captain Jeff starts fishing around under his desk. Captain Jeff pulls out a red metal container with the word “GAS” painted on it. Captain Jeff throws the container to Nick and says-
CJ- Here’s a can of gasoline. Open it up and start pouring it out on the prime sections of the ship.
N- But isn’t spreading gasoline around a ship a bad idea?
Captain Jeff reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a pistol, and points it at Nick.
CJ- Yes, but not doing what I say is also a bad idea. At least, for you it is.
Nick leaves Captain Jeff’s office, gas can in hand. Liz enters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Jay is here to see you.
Jay enters Captain Jeff’s office. Liz remains in Captain Jeff’s office.
Jay- Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, throws it to Jay, and says-
CJ- Take this and start pouring out the contents onto our late night crewman party stage.
J- Yes sir, Captain Jeff sir.
Jay goes to leave but Liz stops him.
Liz- Wait a minute. Sir, I think that’s a bad idea. The crewmen really enjoy the late night crewman party stage. It’s been a tradition nearly as long as The Fraiser has been commissioned and it would be a real tragedy to lose it.
CJ- And?
Liz- And that red headed kid, The Barbarian, is currently performing on that stage.
A smile comes across Captain Jeff’s face.
CJ- Hey Jay.
J- Yes sir, boss sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, and throws it to Jay.
CJ- Pour that one exclusively on that unworthy ginger fuck, will ya.
J- Will do sir.
Jay darts off to do what Captain Jeff directed him to. Captain Jeff starts digging around in one of the boxes on his desk. He pulls out of this box a cigar and a lighter. As Captain Jeff walks out of his office, Liz says to him-
Liz- Captain Jeff, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
CJ- Liz, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Captain Jeff walks out of to the deck of The Fraiser, approaches the side facing the port, and just stares out into space. Nick is seen pouring the gasoline on the prime parts of the ship and Jay is seen joyfully pouring the gasoline over the head of The Barbarian. As Captain Jeff continues to stare out into space, a guy is seen in the port running toward The Fraiser. They guy stays off ship and begins to yell at Captain Jeff.
Guy- Hey! What are you doing?
CJ- Who are you?
Guy- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. Well, Mister Castman, I’m burning down your ship.
Commandant Castman- Why?
CJ- I’m out of a job one you take over, so fuck it.
Captain Jeff sparks his lighter, lights his cigar, and holds out the still light lighter for Commandant Castman to see.
CC- No, you can’t burn down my ship.
CJ- Watch me.
Captain Jeff drops the lighter on The Fraiser and the ship erupts in flames. All of the sailors on The Fraiser, except for Jay, begins to evacuate The Fraiser, fearing for their very existence. The last image seen is Captain Jeff smoking his cigar as the ship he is tasked to take care of slowly sinks into the sea. The last thing Captain Jeff says is-
CJ- I think I did a really good job being captain of The Fraiser.
Our story begins in the office of Captain Jeff on board The Fraiser. Captain Jeff is contemplating some hard decisions when his assistant, Liz, enters his office.
Liz- Captain Jeff, the owner of The Fraiser is here to see you.
Captain Jeff- Good, let him in.
The owner of The Fraiser, Gary Edwards, enters Captain Jeff’s office.
Gary Edwards- Captain Jeff.
CJ- Mr. Edwards, a pleasure to see you sir.
GE- Well, this isn’t a pleasure visit Jeffery.
CJ- Okay, what is this about?
GE- I’ve sold The Fraiser.
There is a short pause.
CJ- You’ve sold The Fraiser?
GE- Yes.
CJ- May I ask to whom?
GE- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. I hear he’s good.
GE- He is.
CJ- And he knows how to pilot his own ship.
GE- He does. Well, I’m getting out of here. Good luck.
Gary Edwards sprints out of Captain Jeff’s office and off The Fraiser. Liz reenters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Captain Jeff is visibly shaken at the news that The Fraiser has been sold. He collects himself and says-
CJ- Can you get Nick and Jay to come to my office?
Liz- Yes sir.
Liz leaves Captain Jeff’s office, leaving him alone. Then another person enters.
Nick- Captain Jeff, you called for me sir?
CJ- Nick, you’re in charge of one of the sections of the ship’s prime sections, right. The sections where everybody hangs out?
N- Yes I am sir.
CJ- And you will do anything I ask?
N- Yes sir.
Captain Jeff starts fishing around under his desk. Captain Jeff pulls out a red metal container with the word “GAS” painted on it. Captain Jeff throws the container to Nick and says-
CJ- Here’s a can of gasoline. Open it up and start pouring it out on the prime sections of the ship.
N- But isn’t spreading gasoline around a ship a bad idea?
Captain Jeff reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a pistol, and points it at Nick.
CJ- Yes, but not doing what I say is also a bad idea. At least, for you it is.
Nick leaves Captain Jeff’s office, gas can in hand. Liz enters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Jay is here to see you.
Jay enters Captain Jeff’s office. Liz remains in Captain Jeff’s office.
Jay- Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, throws it to Jay, and says-
CJ- Take this and start pouring out the contents onto our late night crewman party stage.
J- Yes sir, Captain Jeff sir.
Jay goes to leave but Liz stops him.
Liz- Wait a minute. Sir, I think that’s a bad idea. The crewmen really enjoy the late night crewman party stage. It’s been a tradition nearly as long as The Fraiser has been commissioned and it would be a real tragedy to lose it.
CJ- And?
Liz- And that red headed kid, The Barbarian, is currently performing on that stage.
A smile comes across Captain Jeff’s face.
CJ- Hey Jay.
J- Yes sir, boss sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, and throws it to Jay.
CJ- Pour that one exclusively on that unworthy ginger fuck, will ya.
J- Will do sir.
Jay darts off to do what Captain Jeff directed him to. Captain Jeff starts digging around in one of the boxes on his desk. He pulls out of this box a cigar and a lighter. As Captain Jeff walks out of his office, Liz says to him-
Liz- Captain Jeff, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
CJ- Liz, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Captain Jeff walks out of to the deck of The Fraiser, approaches the side facing the port, and just stares out into space. Nick is seen pouring the gasoline on the prime parts of the ship and Jay is seen joyfully pouring the gasoline over the head of The Barbarian. As Captain Jeff continues to stare out into space, a guy is seen in the port running toward The Fraiser. They guy stays off ship and begins to yell at Captain Jeff.
Guy- Hey! What are you doing?
CJ- Who are you?
Guy- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. Well, Mister Castman, I’m burning down your ship.
Commandant Castman- Why?
CJ- I’m out of a job one you take over, so fuck it.
Captain Jeff sparks his lighter, lights his cigar, and holds out the still light lighter for Commandant Castman to see.
CC- No, you can’t burn down my ship.
CJ- Watch me.
Captain Jeff drops the lighter on The Fraiser and the ship erupts in flames. All of the sailors on The Fraiser, except for Jay, begins to evacuate The Fraiser, fearing for their very existence. The last image seen is Captain Jeff smoking his cigar as the ship he is tasked to take care of slowly sinks into the sea. The last thing Captain Jeff says is-
CJ- I think I did a really good job being captain of The Fraiser.
****- The Sexiest Interviewer In The Italian Senate
Assassin’s Creed 2 Review
There are two games that were released last year that many people said were very similar but I have different overall opinions of. Those games are Prototype and Infamous. My opinions of these games seem to hinge on one thing: Getting from point to point in the cities these games take place in.
I love getting around in Prototype. Running around on the city streets for miles and miles without stopping, plowing through huge groups of people like they were a stack of cardboard boxes, and scaling the side of giant skyscrapers with relative ease all add to the overall freedom of movement in this game. However my favorite part of getting around in this game is the drifting. Jumping off the top of the skyscraper and gliding through the air over several city blocks appeals to me on a basic level. There are times while I was playing Prototype where I wasn’t doing anything in particular, just drifting around this obvious copy of New York City.
I had nearly the exact opposite experience getting around the city while playing Infamous. First of all, you can’t run very fast in this game, so running down the city streets is rather tedious. You’re better off going the direct way, which involves scaling buildings. Not running head on up the side of a building like I was a Jamaican sprinter, but having to find foot holds and hand holds on ledges, masonry, access ladders, and flag poles to drive yourself upward and onward. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact having to find your way like this when faced with time constraints and certain death can be a refreshing challenge.
The problem comes with the henchmen that are sent after you. On every rooftop, every billboard, every outdoor garden in this city sit these enemies in red hoods. Most henchmen in video games aren’t that much of a threat and neither are these except for one thing. These henchmen are brilliant skillshots. It doesn’t matter if you’re three feet away, or three buildings away, if these henchmen spot you they will shoot you, and they will always hit you. These henchmen ruined Infamous for me. Whenever I wasn’t actively playing out a mission, these henchmen would pop up and slowly drain my health away. There came a point where I could choose to either meticulously go through this city and eliminate these henchmen or just endure them and neither option really appealed to me.
Assassin’s Creed 2 has the same kind of building climbing mechanic that Infamous has but also incorporate something Prototype has: freedom. Yes there are henchmen in AC2 but most henchmen stay on the ground and are rather easy to elude if you go vertical. Even the rooftops henchmen you do encounter are easily dispatched. While you can’t fly over several city blocks like you can in Prototype, you can scale up beautifully recreated pieces of Italian architecture that evoke a similar response in another part of the brain.
The free running mechanic is what Assassin’s Creed 2 is built on and this mechanic is pulled off masterfully. I do wish the fighting mechanic was a bit more polished, but perhaps that is something Ubisoft will work on for AC3.
Assassin’s Creed 2: B+
Hunter Red For Senate In 2030
Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Carole when his phone starts to ring. Hunter picks up the phone and says-
Hunter- Hello.
Voice On Phone- He Hunter, this is Crystal Motoko from SLCMetropolitan. Do you remember meeting me at the charity dinner for the Kinneas Medical Institute?
H- The only person I remember meeting at that dinner is the bartender. The rest of the night is a blur.
Crystal- Well, I’m calling in regards to our Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
H- Do you want me to write up a piece for it?
C- No. We took a poll in our office and you were found to be the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
There is a short pause.
H- Did Robin put you up to this?
C- Who?
H- Robin, my girlfriend.
C- You have a girlfriend?
H- Yes, I talk about her on my blog.
C- You have a blog?
There is a short pause.
H- So, SLCMetropolitan is seriously going to name me the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- Yes.
H- Because your staff believe I am the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- No.
H- So why are you giving me this title?
C- We want to start grooming you.
There is a short pause.
H- Like a monkey?
C- (Laughs lightly) Oh goodness no. We want to start preparing you for political office.
H- What, Satirist is Chef?
C- No, senate.
H- The Utah State Senate?
C- No, the US Senate. We think you would be ideal to replace Orrin Hatch when he retires in 2030.
H- You think he’s going to live that long?
C- With the advances pioneered by the Kinneas Medical Institute, yes. So, you up for revealing your hot body to the women of the world?
H- I don’t think you’re up for it.
C- Why?
Hunter places his hand over the phone and says-
H- Robin.
Robin- (At her desk outside in the common area of the R.C.O.A. office) Yes?
H- Do you have those nude photos of me you took.
R- Yes I do.
H- Do you have Crystal Motoko’s email address?
R- Yeah, why do you ask?
H- Could you send a nude photo of me to Crystal. I’m on the phone with her about SLCMetropolitan’s Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
There is a short pause.
R- Do you want me to sent the one that does or does not show your junk?
H- Not.
R- Okay, I’m doing that now.
Hunter takes his hand off his phone and starts talking to Crystal again.
H- Okay, Crystal should be sending you a nude photo of myself now.
C- Okay, let me go check and see- Ah there it is.
There is a short pause as Crystal reads the email.
C- (In an obviously shocked tone) Oh. Oh dear. That’s not- I mean- That’s simply- (Dry heaving noise) Get it away!
A dial tone is heard signifying that Crystal has hung up the phone.
H- That’s what I thought her reaction would be.
Hunter goes back to work. He picks the newspaper and says-
H- Looks like Scott Brown has done good for himself.
END SCENE
Patrick Klepek = Chris Wallace?
People have been critical of Fox News’s interview style. People have said it’s too conciliatory, not in any way aggressive, and generally kind of suckupish. There are people who will argue that this journalism style is contained to Fox News and does not occur in any other media source. I submit this video as evidence to the contrary.
Red Tweets About Team Conan
Conan went out like the true class act that he is. It takes a truly strong man to not be bitter in his situation. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0005
I don't believe in saying goodbye, so I'll say see you later Conan. Be it September, 2011, or whenever, definately see you later. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0006
Also, hello Letterman. #TeamLetterman Sat, Jan 23, 0006
There are two games that were released last year that many people said were very similar but I have different overall opinions of. Those games are Prototype and Infamous. My opinions of these games seem to hinge on one thing: Getting from point to point in the cities these games take place in.
I love getting around in Prototype. Running around on the city streets for miles and miles without stopping, plowing through huge groups of people like they were a stack of cardboard boxes, and scaling the side of giant skyscrapers with relative ease all add to the overall freedom of movement in this game. However my favorite part of getting around in this game is the drifting. Jumping off the top of the skyscraper and gliding through the air over several city blocks appeals to me on a basic level. There are times while I was playing Prototype where I wasn’t doing anything in particular, just drifting around this obvious copy of New York City.
I had nearly the exact opposite experience getting around the city while playing Infamous. First of all, you can’t run very fast in this game, so running down the city streets is rather tedious. You’re better off going the direct way, which involves scaling buildings. Not running head on up the side of a building like I was a Jamaican sprinter, but having to find foot holds and hand holds on ledges, masonry, access ladders, and flag poles to drive yourself upward and onward. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact having to find your way like this when faced with time constraints and certain death can be a refreshing challenge.
The problem comes with the henchmen that are sent after you. On every rooftop, every billboard, every outdoor garden in this city sit these enemies in red hoods. Most henchmen in video games aren’t that much of a threat and neither are these except for one thing. These henchmen are brilliant skillshots. It doesn’t matter if you’re three feet away, or three buildings away, if these henchmen spot you they will shoot you, and they will always hit you. These henchmen ruined Infamous for me. Whenever I wasn’t actively playing out a mission, these henchmen would pop up and slowly drain my health away. There came a point where I could choose to either meticulously go through this city and eliminate these henchmen or just endure them and neither option really appealed to me.
Assassin’s Creed 2 has the same kind of building climbing mechanic that Infamous has but also incorporate something Prototype has: freedom. Yes there are henchmen in AC2 but most henchmen stay on the ground and are rather easy to elude if you go vertical. Even the rooftops henchmen you do encounter are easily dispatched. While you can’t fly over several city blocks like you can in Prototype, you can scale up beautifully recreated pieces of Italian architecture that evoke a similar response in another part of the brain.
The free running mechanic is what Assassin’s Creed 2 is built on and this mechanic is pulled off masterfully. I do wish the fighting mechanic was a bit more polished, but perhaps that is something Ubisoft will work on for AC3.
Assassin’s Creed 2: B+
Hunter Red For Senate In 2030
Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Carole when his phone starts to ring. Hunter picks up the phone and says-
Hunter- Hello.
Voice On Phone- He Hunter, this is Crystal Motoko from SLCMetropolitan. Do you remember meeting me at the charity dinner for the Kinneas Medical Institute?
H- The only person I remember meeting at that dinner is the bartender. The rest of the night is a blur.
Crystal- Well, I’m calling in regards to our Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
H- Do you want me to write up a piece for it?
C- No. We took a poll in our office and you were found to be the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
There is a short pause.
H- Did Robin put you up to this?
C- Who?
H- Robin, my girlfriend.
C- You have a girlfriend?
H- Yes, I talk about her on my blog.
C- You have a blog?
There is a short pause.
H- So, SLCMetropolitan is seriously going to name me the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- Yes.
H- Because your staff believe I am the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- No.
H- So why are you giving me this title?
C- We want to start grooming you.
There is a short pause.
H- Like a monkey?
C- (Laughs lightly) Oh goodness no. We want to start preparing you for political office.
H- What, Satirist is Chef?
C- No, senate.
H- The Utah State Senate?
C- No, the US Senate. We think you would be ideal to replace Orrin Hatch when he retires in 2030.
H- You think he’s going to live that long?
C- With the advances pioneered by the Kinneas Medical Institute, yes. So, you up for revealing your hot body to the women of the world?
H- I don’t think you’re up for it.
C- Why?
Hunter places his hand over the phone and says-
H- Robin.
Robin- (At her desk outside in the common area of the R.C.O.A. office) Yes?
H- Do you have those nude photos of me you took.
R- Yes I do.
H- Do you have Crystal Motoko’s email address?
R- Yeah, why do you ask?
H- Could you send a nude photo of me to Crystal. I’m on the phone with her about SLCMetropolitan’s Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
There is a short pause.
R- Do you want me to sent the one that does or does not show your junk?
H- Not.
R- Okay, I’m doing that now.
Hunter takes his hand off his phone and starts talking to Crystal again.
H- Okay, Crystal should be sending you a nude photo of myself now.
C- Okay, let me go check and see- Ah there it is.
There is a short pause as Crystal reads the email.
C- (In an obviously shocked tone) Oh. Oh dear. That’s not- I mean- That’s simply- (Dry heaving noise) Get it away!
A dial tone is heard signifying that Crystal has hung up the phone.
H- That’s what I thought her reaction would be.
Hunter goes back to work. He picks the newspaper and says-
H- Looks like Scott Brown has done good for himself.
END SCENE
Patrick Klepek = Chris Wallace?
People have been critical of Fox News’s interview style. People have said it’s too conciliatory, not in any way aggressive, and generally kind of suckupish. There are people who will argue that this journalism style is contained to Fox News and does not occur in any other media source. I submit this video as evidence to the contrary.
Red Tweets About Team Conan
Conan went out like the true class act that he is. It takes a truly strong man to not be bitter in his situation. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0005
I don't believe in saying goodbye, so I'll say see you later Conan. Be it September, 2011, or whenever, definately see you later. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0006
Also, hello Letterman. #TeamLetterman Sat, Jan 23, 0006
****- Kaput Christmas Puppy Alcohol
Another Perm Goes Bad
Early in the morning of December 5th, a fire broke out at a nightclub in Perm, Russia, taking the lives of 112 people. Officials blame this fire on a fireworks display set off during a performance shot into the decorative twig ceiling of the Lame Horse club.
When reached for comment on this story, Great White lead vocalist Jack Russell said, “Why the fuck did you contact me about this story?”
(Insert Obvious Joke Here)
This week over two hundred tons of meat were recalled by Meat Packers Inc. over concerns about the meat being tainted with salmonella. This follows a similar move last month by Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers Inc. recalled approximately two hundred tons of Fudge Packers brand fudge over concerns about the packages of Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly.
In a statement, Fudge Packers Inc. President Chester Hardbody, pictured above, said, “For a long time we’ve been concerned about the possibility of our Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly. Now our concerns have come to a head. We apologize profusely to anyone who consumed our Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers brand fudge.”
Read Articles COMPLETELY
A Grinch's Gift Guide
This is an article that went up on Yahoo on December 1st. Almost instantly thereafter video game nerds started to complain about this article. Reactions were generally “PS3 Hater!”, “This guy is clearly an Xbox Fanbitch”, and other statements that gave the impression that conveyed they thought they were being persecuted. However, none of the reactions dealt with the actual point the writer was trying to make.
If the gamers had bothered to read PAST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH they would have seen the writer was complaining about exorbitant repair bills. Anne Kadet points out that, unlike the Xbox 360 and Wii, if the rechargeable battery in the Playstation 3 controller goes kaput you can’t just replace the battery, you have to replace the entire controller. What Anne brings up is a valid point and one that would have gotten through to gamers if they had bothered to read the ENTIRE ARTICLE!
I will, however, disagree with Miss Kadet that the PS3 has the most exorbitant repair bills. Yes, replacing the entire controller on the PS3 if the battery goes kaput is a pain, but I venture to guess the average 360 consumer has experienced the Red Rings Of Death more than the average PS3 owner has had to replace the controller. For me it’s one to zero.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album Review
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a show on Cartoon Network that makes absolutely no sense… unless you are high, and even then it makes no sense. So I felt it appropriate to do two reviews of the new ATHF Christmas CD, one while sober and one while high. Here we go.
Sober Review
Okay, this sucks. Even as a joke Christmas CD this sucks. The Christmas CD that Stephen Colbert put out last year, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!!!, is vastly superior than this. Hell, I’d rather listen to those tone-deaf Mormon kids butcher holiday classics than listen to this again. At least with the kids I can get a reaction to my calls for Freebird.
High Review
What the hell! I though pot was supposed to make everything good. I mean that’s what it did with Leprechaun 2, that damn Steven Segal CD, Extraordinary Chickens, and all the other shit Conan O’Brien’s been plugging lately. This Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album still sucks. I’m not even finding Carl’s really blatant masturbation jokes funny and that’s one of my favorite things to do while high.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force- Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas: D-
Red Taunts
This Monday, December 14th, is projected to be the highest volume day of the year for the United States Postal Service. Over 184.5 Million (estimated) pieces of mail are expected to be handled by the post office on this day alone. Postal employees working on this day can expect at minimum a ten hour day that is frantic, pressured, and demanding to say the least. And, for the third year in a row, I will not be participating in this day.
This is because, as a career employee at the United States Postal Service, I get guaranteed weekends off and Mondays, including Monday December 14th, are a part of my weekend. This means on the single busiest day my employee experiences each year I will be doing what I usually do on Mondays, getting tanked and watching wrestling.
I love my job. Also, submissions for the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are due on Tuesday. Submit who you think should win in any of the following catagories.
Game of the Year
360 Game of the Year
PS3 Game of the Year
Wii Game of the Year
Downloadable Game of the Year
Gaming Disappointment of the Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving of an Award
Do it or I will kill this puppy.
Early in the morning of December 5th, a fire broke out at a nightclub in Perm, Russia, taking the lives of 112 people. Officials blame this fire on a fireworks display set off during a performance shot into the decorative twig ceiling of the Lame Horse club.
When reached for comment on this story, Great White lead vocalist Jack Russell said, “Why the fuck did you contact me about this story?”
(Insert Obvious Joke Here)
This week over two hundred tons of meat were recalled by Meat Packers Inc. over concerns about the meat being tainted with salmonella. This follows a similar move last month by Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers Inc. recalled approximately two hundred tons of Fudge Packers brand fudge over concerns about the packages of Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly.
In a statement, Fudge Packers Inc. President Chester Hardbody, pictured above, said, “For a long time we’ve been concerned about the possibility of our Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly. Now our concerns have come to a head. We apologize profusely to anyone who consumed our Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers brand fudge.”
Read Articles COMPLETELY
A Grinch's Gift Guide
This is an article that went up on Yahoo on December 1st. Almost instantly thereafter video game nerds started to complain about this article. Reactions were generally “PS3 Hater!”, “This guy is clearly an Xbox Fanbitch”, and other statements that gave the impression that conveyed they thought they were being persecuted. However, none of the reactions dealt with the actual point the writer was trying to make.
If the gamers had bothered to read PAST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH they would have seen the writer was complaining about exorbitant repair bills. Anne Kadet points out that, unlike the Xbox 360 and Wii, if the rechargeable battery in the Playstation 3 controller goes kaput you can’t just replace the battery, you have to replace the entire controller. What Anne brings up is a valid point and one that would have gotten through to gamers if they had bothered to read the ENTIRE ARTICLE!
I will, however, disagree with Miss Kadet that the PS3 has the most exorbitant repair bills. Yes, replacing the entire controller on the PS3 if the battery goes kaput is a pain, but I venture to guess the average 360 consumer has experienced the Red Rings Of Death more than the average PS3 owner has had to replace the controller. For me it’s one to zero.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album Review
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a show on Cartoon Network that makes absolutely no sense… unless you are high, and even then it makes no sense. So I felt it appropriate to do two reviews of the new ATHF Christmas CD, one while sober and one while high. Here we go.
Sober Review
Okay, this sucks. Even as a joke Christmas CD this sucks. The Christmas CD that Stephen Colbert put out last year, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!!!, is vastly superior than this. Hell, I’d rather listen to those tone-deaf Mormon kids butcher holiday classics than listen to this again. At least with the kids I can get a reaction to my calls for Freebird.
High Review
What the hell! I though pot was supposed to make everything good. I mean that’s what it did with Leprechaun 2, that damn Steven Segal CD, Extraordinary Chickens, and all the other shit Conan O’Brien’s been plugging lately. This Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album still sucks. I’m not even finding Carl’s really blatant masturbation jokes funny and that’s one of my favorite things to do while high.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force- Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas: D-
Red Taunts
This Monday, December 14th, is projected to be the highest volume day of the year for the United States Postal Service. Over 184.5 Million (estimated) pieces of mail are expected to be handled by the post office on this day alone. Postal employees working on this day can expect at minimum a ten hour day that is frantic, pressured, and demanding to say the least. And, for the third year in a row, I will not be participating in this day.
This is because, as a career employee at the United States Postal Service, I get guaranteed weekends off and Mondays, including Monday December 14th, are a part of my weekend. This means on the single busiest day my employee experiences each year I will be doing what I usually do on Mondays, getting tanked and watching wrestling.
I love my job. Also, submissions for the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are due on Tuesday. Submit who you think should win in any of the following catagories.
Game of the Year
360 Game of the Year
PS3 Game of the Year
Wii Game of the Year
Downloadable Game of the Year
Gaming Disappointment of the Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving of an Award
Do it or I will kill this puppy.
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