Found Questioning #3

The premise.  This Found Questioning comes courtesy of Vice Magazine.

Why do many soft drinks taste like Teletuby blood?

The Teletubbies are characters from a British children's television series that began running in 1997 and still runs to this day.  What many people do not realize about these iconic television characters have undergone a series of changes over the years.  In fact it could be reasonably said that the Teletubbies are a lot like Menudo.

Menudo was a Puerto Rican boy band whose members include Ricky Martin and Draco Rosa.  There have been thirty-nine members of this five members boy band due to the requirement that the members of the band leave the group when they turned sixteen.  This requirement lead to a lot of internal conflict, as well as power struggles and different members of the group aged.  The process of replacing members of the Teletubbies was significantly less delicate.

The four Teletubby characters are members of an alien species from the planet Teletubby Land.  The four colours of the Teletubby characters represent the four different majority races on the planet they come from.  This gives the producers of the Teletubbies TV show a wide selection of replacements to choose from.  Rather than age, producers replace characters on the Teletubbies show based on salary.  Once time comes for a Teletubby to receive a higher salary, that Teletubby is quietly done away with.  Due to the Teletubbies being space aliens and the lack of legal status given to creatures from other planets, this quiet process can be quite loud.

When a former character on the Teletubbies has fulfilled it's usefulness, that character is fed into a woodchipper.  This woodchipper is located at The London Studios of the BBC.  Despite being located at a major television studio, no footage is allowed to be shot of Telletubies being fed into a woodchipper.  Occasionally cellphone footage does leak, but those videos are quickly taken down, either by way of a copyright claim or a direct threat to the uploader.

After the woodchipping process, the material that once constituted the former Teletubby is collected and pulverized once again.  Once that process is done, the new soup-like material is process and turned into a wide variety of products, including various flavors of Fanta.  Yes, Fanta Strawberry is made out of Teletubbies.

That is why many soft drinks taste like Teletubby blood.  They are in fact made from Teletubby blood.

****- I Wish I Knew This When I Was 15

I Wish I Knew This When I Was 15

Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in Hunter’s office playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii and having a fun time while doing so.
Robin- Hey slowpoke, catch up and get this mushroom.
Hunter- I can’t get the mushroom if you keep taking them all.
R- Perhaps I should just jump on you and cause you to die again.
The two begin to laugh in enjoyment as the level ends.
R- By the way, where is Liz? I haven’t seen her bright face or tasted her good coffee today.
H- She asked for the week off for Easter.
R- Easter was on Sunday.
H- Liz has been working for me for eight years and in that time has taken fourteen days off. She’s due. Besides, it’s not like there’s anyone beating down my door to come see me.
At that moment a young girl barges into Hunter’s office, and closes the door, facing it. She’s wearing what appears to be a Catholic school girl uniform. Hunter doesn’t recognize who the girl is, Robin does.
Robin- Phoebe?
The young girl runs over to Robin, who embraces her as she cries into her chest.
Robin- Hunter, this is my cousin Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my boyfriend Hunter.
Hunter- Hi.
R- Hunter, go get Phoebe something to drink. There should be some Fantas in the fridge in my office.
H- Okay.
Hunter leaves his office and closes the door behind him.
Robin- Okay, Phoebe, sit down in the chair here.
Robin points Phoebe toward Hunter’s desk chair. Phoebe sits down in the chair and begins to wipe the tears from her eyes. Robin sits on one of the file cabinets and says-
Robin- Now Phoebe, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at school?
Phoebe tries to compose herself as Robin patiently waits.
Phoebe- I- I- I just-
Phoebe begins to cry again. Robin kneels down in front of Phoebe and says-
Robin- Phoebe, it’s all right. You can trust me. Take your time and tell me, what is wrong?
Phoebe begins to compose herself again. She takes a deep breath, and says-
Phoebe- I just can’t stand it anymore. I just can’t. The lies, the name calling,
Phoebe points to a tear on her skirt.
Phoebe- they tear my clothes, all of it. It doesn’t stop. Every day this happens. Every single day. No matter what I do or don’t do, they never fucking stop.
Robin- Do your parents know about this?
P- Yes, but they don’t have any good ideas about stopping this.
R- What about teachers, councilors, the administration, they could be of some help.
P- I already tried that. I went to my class councilor, told him what was going on, he told me everything would be all right and to take a lollipop before I left. It didn’t stop, if anything it got worse. I went back to the councilor, this time in tears. His response was the same, everything will be all right, take a lollipop before you leave. That’s when I told my parents. Like I said, they didn’t have any good ideas, besides going back to that councilor. My mom went into his office and pleaded for him to do something, anything. His response, everything will be fine, take a lollipop on your way out.
R- He didn’t do anything? Even with your mom begging him to?
P- No. Not a thing. So my mom went over his head. She went across the hall to the main office and met with the Vice Principal.
R- Why not the Principal?
P- I don’t know. My mom went into the Vice Principal’s office and demanded that he do something about my bullying.
R- What did he say?
P- The whole thing will sort itself out, everything will be fine.
R- He actually said that?
Phoebe begins to tear up.
Phoebe- Yes.
Robin- Bastards. What kind of unapologetic douchebags would do something like that?
Hunter opens the door to his office. He’s been listening to Phoebe’s plight the whole time.
Hunter- The same kind of morons who ran things when I was in school.
Hunter enters his office and puts two bottles of Fanta on his desk.
Hunter- Phoebe, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to answer me truthfully. What do you think of yourself?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- I don’t know.
Hunter- Yes, you do. What do you think of yourself?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- Not good.
Hunter- Why?
P- No one likes me. None of the kids at school, none of the administration, no one.
H- No Phoebe. That is what others think of you. You can’t base what you think of you based on what others think of you, especially not those people.
P- Why not?
H- Because they’ve prejudged you. They got this initial impression of you as an unworthy troll and are insistent that you stay in that role. No matter what you do, what lengths you go to, they will always think of you in that way. You aren’t the problem in this situation, they are. Now, Phoebe, what do you think of you?
Phoebe thinks for a second.
Phoebe- I think I’m a good person. No, a great person, and I don’t know why they don’t see that.
Hunter- Good. That’s good. You need to remember that it’s what you think of yourself that truly matters. If you think you’re a good person, you are a good person, and if people disagree, fuck them.
Phoebe’s face begins to become more optimistic. She stands up from Hunter’s chair and says-
Phoebe- Yeah, you’re right. Thanks Robin.
Phoebe gives Robin a quick peck. Then she makes her way to the door.
Phoebe- Thanks Hunter.
Phoebe gives Hunter a quick peck, grabs one of the Fantas off Hunter’s desk, then leaves. Robin sets down in Hunter’s chair and says-
Robin- You know, that’s some wisdom you just dropped right there.
Hunter- Yeah. It took me a long time to figure that out. I wish someone had told me that when I was in school.
Robin- True. You want a Fanta, there should be another in my fridge.
Hunter- No there’s not.
Hunter gets a sly look on his face.
Robin- You drank my Fanta, didn’t you?
H- Yes.
R- Well, for that, I’m going to jump on your characters head.
Hunter holds up his fingers and says-
Hunter- Well I’m crushing your head, flathead!
The two laugh as the scene ends.

END SCENE

****- Red Swears At Kids! YAY!!!

Sony Chooses PS3 Motion Controller Manufacturer

Ever since it’s unveiling at the Electronic Entertainment Expo, rumors have been swirling about what the Playstation 3 Motion Controller will actually be, what it will look like, and how it will be utilized in upcoming games. To this point none of these questions have been answered but one critical question has been answered: Who will manufacture the Playstation 3 Motion Controllers for Sony? The answer to that question is Dillco. This spurns another question: Who in the world is Dillco?

Dillco is a Sacramento, California based company with its corporate offices located in this building located at 105 Jeremy Plaza. Before winning the contract to manufacture the PS3 Motion Controller, Dillco’s best selling product line was a series of molded latex sexual activity assistants, more commonly referred to as dilldos. Dillco’s “Discrete Pleasure” line includes big dilldos, small dilldos, dilldos that climb on rocks, fat dilldos, skinny dilldos, even dilldos with chicken pox.

When reached for a comment, Dillco president Jeremy Longphun said, “We are as surprised as about this choice as you are. Honestly we put in out bid as a joke, we never thought Sony would ever choose us. It’s going to be a challenge to make a product whose primary use is not insertion into an intimate location. We know that will be the product’s secondary use but clearly not the first.”

When told of the previous history of Dillco, Sony of America chief Jack Tretton said, “Really? Oh shit. Bye,” then bolted from the room.

No one can say just how the Playstation 3 Motion Controller will be used with its big, black, burly, shiny mate, and, if we truly aspire to be a dignified society, perhaps we should not say. Besides, the details of that nature will just make the lonely suicidal.



WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 Review

Remember my review for Prototype and how I spent most of the review complaining about the in-game ads? Well, after much searching, I have discovered a magical elixir to calm my rage. What is this elixir? Fanta.

Fanta is a glorious orange-flavored beverage brought to you by the fine people at Coca-Cola. Fanta is a beverage that quenches my thirst while filling my body with its sugary orange goodness. I take Fanta with me wherever I do. I drink Fanta at work, in the car, in the shower, at the sexatorium, everywhere! I especially drink Fanta while I’m playing video games. The unparalleled joy I experience while consuming Fanta is the only thing that distracts me form the rage I feel when I see in-game advertisements. One of the sources of such rage is WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010. Here is an example of some of the ads contained in WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010.

Mobil 1? What use do I have for that? The last time I used Mobil 1 Brand Motor Oil was when I visited that reservoir.

Twix. Two for me, FUCK YOU!

Why the fuck do I need overpriced merchandise that appeals mainly to- Oh my god! Look at this Triple H T-Shirt!

Other than the in-game ads, I have no real complaints about this game. I thoroughly enjoy dropkicking John Cena, bludgeoning John Cena, throwing John Cena off the top of Hell In A Cell, and performing other various violent acts against John Cena.

Some may consider WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 just a roster update and condemn it for that reason. Under that logic we can condemn Madden NFL, NBA Live, NBA 2K, Tiger Woods PGA, Fifa soccer, and any other sports or sports related video game that comes out on an annual basis. If that is that complaint you make about these games you probably weren’t going to pick it up anyway. The critical question should be is WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2010 better than WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2009. The answer is yes. The gameplay tweeks enhance the game experience while maintaining the difficulty, the tutorial is easier to navigate through and makes the game more approachable, and the graphics, while not lifelike, are among the best seen in a fighting game involving real people. In this tight economic time, WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 is easily worth the $60 you will spend on it.

WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010: B+



Halloween Night

A group of kids walk up to Hunter Red’s house on Halloween. The porch light at Hunter Red’s house is not on. They ring the doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Kids- Trick or treat!
Hunter- I don’t have any candy.
Kid- Why not?
Hunter- I live alone and I don’t want to encourage kids to ring the doorbell on strange guy’s houses.
Hunter closes the door. A couple of minutes later one of the kid’s mother rings Hunter’s doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Mother- (In a shrill, grating tone of voice) Why did you tell my kids you don’t have any candy?
Hunter- Because I don’t.
M- It’s Halloween. You’re supposed to have candy!
H- But I don’t. That’s why I don’t have my porch light on.
M- What does that mean?
H- Well, when I was a kid my parents told me to only go to the houses that had their porch light on because they were the houses with candy. I thought everyone followed that system.
M- That’s not the system WE are operating on.
H- Okay, what is the system?
M- You’re supposed to have candy!
H- Yeah, I’m going to close the door now. If you want to keep on ranting, just try to keep it down or I’ll have to turn up my German Orchestral Death Metal.
Hunter closes the door. Hunter then goes to his home office, gets a piece of printer paper and a black marker, and makes a sign that reads “SORRY KIDS, NO CANDY, HAPPY HALLOWEEN”. Hunter takes this sign, tapes it on his front door, and turns the porch light on. About half an hour later a group of kids ring Hunter’s doorbell. Hunter opens the door.
Kids- Trick or treat!
Hunter- I don’t have any candy.
Kids- Aw!
Hunter- Didn’t you kids read my sign?
Kids- No.
Hunter- Why not?
Kid- We go to public school, we can’t read.
Hunter- Ah. Well. I’d offer you kids alcohol but that would be really wrong, so, bye.
Hunter closes the door.
END SCENE




Happy Halloween to the kids,

and to my neighbors I sincerely apologize... that you people suck!

By the way, only 63 days left until the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards! Submit your nominations today or any day before December 15th. Also, only 54 days until Christmas. Steal your gifts early!

Peta To Gamers: I'm Not PETA

Recently the political group PETA made waves in the gaming universe by asking for a vegetarian version of Majesco's popular Wii title Cooking Mama. Many gamers reacted in a rage to this call. Some even sent emails to PETA expressing their outrage. As it turns out the rage of gamers may have been directed wrongly.

On his blog, a gamer known only as Fantafan encouraged the outraged to send mail to peta@petawilsonsite.com. As it turns out petawilsonsite.com has nothing to do with People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals. In fact petawilsonsite.com is the official website of La Femme Nikita star Peta Wilson. Seymour Birkoff, who maintains petawilsonsite.com, said, "Traffic to Miss Wilson's site since the Cooking Mama story broke have gone through the roof. This month alone Miss Wilson has received 30,251 pieces of mail, as opposed to the year before where she received 8."

In response, Miss Wilson has posted the following message on her site.
"I feel the need at this time to clear up some rumors involving myself. First, I am not connected to the political action group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The fact that our names are the same is just a coincidence. Second, no, I will not send you a signed nude photo of myself. Third, and finally, there are no pland for a sixth season of La Femme Nikita. Stop asking!"

Mistakes like this are common, but apologies for this kind of mistake are rare. When I contacted Fantafan to obtain an apology, the only response I got was, "Wanta Fanta, Doncha Wanta?" When pressed further no other response was given. This incident further proves that the internet is filled with a great supply of annoying little shits.