Showing posts with label Gary Herbert. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gary Herbert. Show all posts

Possible Utah Smokescreen


There's an article on Vice Magazine about the anti-gay laws that were recently passed in Nigeria.  The article, by Oscar Rickett,  asserts that the convoluted, illogical, and often redundant laws against homosexuality in Nigeria may be a smokescreen drawing attention away from systemic problems inside the Nigerian government.  These problems include power shortages, economic inequality, piracy, militant terrotism, and ethnic strife.  Rickett says in his article:

With all these issues going unaddressed, the one thing Jonathan could guarantee support on was bashing homosexuality.

This article piqued my interest.  With all the attention that was being brought to Nigeria, and other African countries, over their anti-gay laws, none of that attention included talk about the other problems that people are encountering in their country.  It makes me rethink the coverage of such issues in the media.  It also makes me rethink the actions of my local officials.


Utah Will Not Recognize Same-Sex Marriages That Have Already Been Performed: Governor's Office















I Just Want To Be Happy, NOW!


On Wednesday, the office of Utah Governor Gary Herbert made the decision to not recognize same sex marriages conducted between Judge Shelby's decision on December 20th and the stay on the decision issued by the Supreme Court on January 6th.  This decision by the governor's office sent me into a rage, during which I did this.


Clearly me being mad like this isn't healthy, not just because massive explosions tend to destroy carbon-based physical objects, but also because staying in such a state causes my cholesterol to spike.  Clearly I need something to make me happy.  Perhaps something from a place of magic and whimsy can give me the happiness I crave.  Perhaps I am in need of something from Japan.

TEPCO says no abnormality at Fukushima

No, I said happy, not even more skeptical about public officials and the statement that they give.  I need something happy!  HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


No!  NOW!  NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Good enough.

Reports Of Shutdown Activities Now Coming Out

On Saturday, while the government shutdown was still going on, Utah Governor Gary Herbert moved to open the many national parks in Utah, authorizing $1.67 Million in state dollars to be spent toward that end.  Tourists and locals alike flocked to Utah's national parks to experience all that the parks have to offer.  Now reports are coming out about what many of the people who congregated to the parks did in the days when they thought no authority existed.
News reports stated that "throngs" were drawn to Utah's national parks.  It now appears that "thongs" may be the more accurate way to describe the people that were being drawn.  Multiple reports state that many of the overnight campers at Bryce, Arches, and Canyonlands National Parks were witnessed having sex in public.  Similar accounts exists concerning activities at Zion's and Capital Reef but nothing formal has been reported.
Gordon Ranger, known in the area as Ranger Gord, pictured above, has filed several of the reports.  One of his reports goes as follows.

"I've never seen that much naked flesh.  You think that the kind of people who would engage in such behavior would be more svelte that that.  But no.  No."
It's not that Park Rangers weren't out in force in Utah during the government shutdown.  There were many arrests made in Utah's national parks, but most of those arrests have to do with public intoxication, as well as other drug related offenses.  It appears that people thought that, due to the government shutdown, that all of the government was shutdown, including police.  While that wasn't the case, people thought it was so, and, like they say, when the cats at play the mice will play.  Naked.  In public.  Ew.

The State Of The Balconi Address

How Messages Change Priorities

Man, I am borderline broke. Between paying for rehab, fixing my car, and trying to promote my book, I am really running low on funds. I guess I can't take a vacation this year. Too bad though. I was really looking forward to spending the weekend of my birthday up at one of the ski resorts. My birthday is during the summer, so the rates up there are cheap, even for a four star resort. There's great restaurants, beautiful scenery, clean mountain air, all the things any person needs to feel reinvigorated. Oh well, maybe next year.

Person speaking above receives a message via Facebook.

Oh, it's a message about my high school reunion.


Opens the message.

Wow. My high school reunion is scheduled for the weekend of my birthday. There's going to be a family friendly picnic, a service project, and a general party with all the people I knew in high school to be held at the high school I graduated from.


Person thinks for a second.

You know, I really need to take a vacation. If not for my sanity, to inject some money back into our dire economy.



The 2011 State Of The Union Address





The 2011 Utah State Of The State Address



For some time, I have wondered what it would take for a politician in Utah to get national attention. I thought that Chris Buttar's yearly reaffirming of his empty headed bigotry would get attention by now. I thought Sheldon Kilpack's DUI arrest and subsequent defense of his DWI arrest, a defense that may have some merit, would have gotten national attention. I thought that Kevin Garn admitting to a nude hottub encounter on a floor of the Utah State Legislature, a nude hottub encounter when he was twenty-eight and the girl was sixteen, would have gotten national attention. I thought Kevin Garn receiving a standing ovation from his fellow legislatures after admitting to his nude hottub encounter would have received national attention. But nothing. Nothing. Seemingly nothing that happens in the state of Utah can even come close to superseding a golden throated homeless man. Perhaps this can change things. Perhaps what Gov. Gary Herbert said during his 2011 State Of The State address will finally get national attention. I mean, what this address amounts to is a twenty-seven minute long rant about state's rights, rights that the federal government is NOT encroaching on. I have my doubts that this will happen though. I just know that Gov. Herbert's address will be overshadowed by the east coast receiving an amount of snow that amounts to a dusting out here. Either that or Curtis Oda's ferrel animals proposal, or the proposal to appoint a state gun. Ugh.



The Naming Of The Device

A group of people gather around a long table in a conference room in a high rise office building somewhere in America. There are many different kinds of people, all of them dressed in well tailored suits. The man at the end of the table, Derrick Balconi, stands to address the gathered.

Derrick Balconi- Ladies, gentlemen, and people from management-

The people gathered laugh at that joke.

Derrick Balconi- we have come here because another company has asked for our help again. Last year, Microsoft wanted a name for their motion gaming deceive, and we delivered. The name Kinect is now in the lips of every video game aficionado and has become a worldwide phenomena. Now another company has come to us looking for a name. That company is Microsoft's direct competitor in the video game market, Sony.

The people gathered gasp and start to murmur like people do when a monumental thing is said.

Derrick Balconi- People, we need to deliver a name that is catchy, non-offensive, and, most importantly, not currently trademarked. I think we need to consult the bag.

The people gathered murmur again.

Derrick Balconi- Delany, bring in the bag.

A woman, also dressed in a well tailored suit, enters the conference room carrying a velvet bag. The other people in the room look at Delany with much adoration and envy. Delany places the bag in front of Derrick, then leaves the room.

Derrick Balconi- Thank you Delany. My employees, this is where we will get the name for Sony's newest consumer device, but first we need to know how long this name should be. Delany, the die.

Delany reenters the conference room carrying a large twenty sided die. The other people in the room look at Delany with much adoration and envy. Delany places the die in Derrick's hand, then leaves the room.

Derrick Balconi- Thank you Delany.

Derrick rolls the die out on the conference table. It comes to a rest in front of one of the people at the table. Derrick dramatically points that this employee and says-

Derrick Balconi- You! What does the die say?

The employee looks at the die and says-

Employee- Three.
Derrick Balconi- Good, I like three. I hear it's a magic number. Now, to decide the name.

Derrick opens the velvet bag Delany placed in front of him. He digs around in this bag and pulls out three tiles. Tiles that look very much like this.

Derrick places the tiles on the table. Derrick looks at the tiles and says-

Derrick Balconi- Behold! The name that we have come up with for Sony's new consumer device. NPG.

The employee who spoke earlier speaks again.

Employee- But sir, what does that mean?
Derrick Balconi- That is not our concern. We do not attach meanings to things, we only name them. Meaning are for the client to decide.

The people in the conference room disperse, satisfied that they had just done what they have been gathered there to do.

END SCENE



Salt Lake City, Utah

Hunter Red is sitting in his office listening to his iPod. There's a TV on in his office tuned to CNN. They are covering the riots in Cairo, Egypt. Hunter looks at the TV, without taking off his iPod, and says-

Hunter- Huh. Looks like somebody won something. Probably soccer since it's not America.



Crawford, Texas

George W. Bush is sitting in his office at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. There's a TV in his office tuned to CNN. They are covering the riots in Cairo, Egypt. George looks at the TV and says-

W- You're welcome.

Capital Bush

I had heard of this kind of club before, a unique kind of club. A club where things went on that were strictly prohibited in other clubs. Even among the certain type of club that this establishment is, these acts are usually strictly prohibited. These are acts that fall under the definition of adult entertainment. Adult entertainment. Two words that when put together could mean all sorts of things, but when they are put together we know damn well what they mean. So, lets' stop bullshitting. I'm going to stop pussyfooting around and get directly to what I mean. I'm talking about a strip club. For the uninitiated, a strip club is a place where women, and occasionally men, have money given to them in order to have them tantalize their clientele with what they cannot have. The specific club of which I speak brings their clientele as close to what they cannot have as legally permissible. This is Capital Bush.

After some digging around, I found out where Capital Bush is located. Not being familiar with this particular strip club, I wanted to take more money than I usually take to places, including the bank. Having two hundred dollars in fives, tens, and ones is why I had a large bulge in my pants upon entering Capital Bush. It sure wasn't because I was walking into the only strip club in my area where the strippers can give lap dances. No sire.

I paid the cover and entered the club. I felt a bit lost as I looked over this establishment, but I usually feel that way when I'm at a location with other people in it. I walked up to the bar and ordered a beer.
"We don't serve alcohol."
That's right, in order for Capital Bush to serve their clientele in the manner they desired they couldn't serve alcohol. Instead, I ordered a Pepsi. What I got was a syrupy Pepsi in a plastic dining glass with cubed ice in it. I paid four dollars for a drink I could have easily made for myself at home for far, FAR, less money. I was mentally preparing myself for a disappointing experience.

I sat down at a table and saw a couple of dancers go to work. Michael wasn't much of a looker and his pole work left a lot to be desired. Christopher was a bit long in the tooth to for my taste. Jason may have been good but I was too distracted to pay any attention to him. Let's just say that Britney Spears doesn't quite agree with me.

"And now, coming up to the stage, Gary."
Gary was different. Gary was the kind of person that filled my dreams, so much so that I scarcely believed a person like Gary actually existed. Gary had just the right combination of short brown hair, long athletic legs, and ample chest to appeal to me in an innate sense. Gary made me stand up and take notice, in that sense of the word.

Gary started moving slowly around the stage, utilizing an elongated stride to accentuate his long legs. He took to the pole coyly at first, but once Gary started his polework he made that pole work. Felix Cane's got nothing on Gary. The inclusion of Ke$ha's TiK Tok only made the performance that much sweeter. The whole act had me absolutely spellbound, and Gary took notice. I was not the only one spellbound by his performance, there were several other men with large pockets bulges who's eyes were transfixed on Gary's ass. However, unlike the other men, I was the only one who did not manage to hoot and holler like a frat boy. After he was done redressing and collecting his well earned filthy lucre, Gary came over to talk to me.

"Hello big boy."
"Do you mean me?"
Gary laughed a little. "Of course I do sweetie. What's your name?"
I panicked for a moment as I tried to come up with a name. "River."
"River. That's an interesting name. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm in charge of bidding for a large road construction company."
"Hmmm. That's interesting." Clearly Gary was buttering me up, as I knew that my job was in no way interesting. "So, what brings you up here tonight?"
"I just wanted to relax for a bit."
"Has the corporate grind got you down?" Gary sort of rippled his body as he said the word grind, which brought back vivid memories of the polework I just saw.
"Ummm, yeah."
"Are you totally relaxed now?" As Gary ended this sentence, he ran his finger along his lips. Instantly the erotic implications of this move come to mind.
"Ummm, no."
"Well, River, I couldn't help but notice the way you were looking at me."
"It's hard not to look at you."
"It must have been so hard for you to be that far away from me." Gary put an emphasis on the word "hard" so that I knew exactly what he meant. Gary meant that watching him had given me an erection. "Perhaps I can help you fully relax."
"Exact how would you accomplish that?"

This is when Gary got down to business. "It's twenty dollars per song for a lapdance, eighty dollars for a longer dance where you can choose the music, and finally a hundred twenty dollars for a fully nude dance where you can touch me nearly anywhere you want."

I was surprised at this, as I thought such access would cost me more than that. Perhaps Gary thought the two hundred dollars I was carrying really was my penis. I agreed to pay for the one hundred twenty dollar package that would result in Gary grinding on my package. Gary got up, took me by the hand, and started leading me over to the area where what I was paying for would take place.

There were several men who were not happy about this development. Most of them weren't happy that I was the one getting attention from Gary, but one of them was very displeased that I had gotten the first shot at paying for more attention. This man got up and grabbed the manager of the club and started complaining.

"Excuse me, do you run this place?"
"Yes, can I help you?"
"I want you to tell me what makes that guy so special." The complaining man then pointed to me.
The manager continued, "I don't follow."
"Why does that man get access to Gary before I do? I have money, it's good money! What makes that guy's money better than mine!"
The manager attempted to calm down the complaining man. "Look sir-"
"Zachry. Skanska Zachry."
"Zachry, let me apologize. Perhaps we can make some sort of reparations for you before you make too much of a stink."

Gary continued to lead me toward the back area as the manager lead Zachry to a place where he could keep him quiet. The back area of Capital Bush is just about as impressive as the main area of Capital Bush. I guess the main allure of this room is the things that go on in it. This strategy isn't bad, but a little effort being put into ambience would be nice.

Before he started in on his routine, Gary uttered the sexiest phrase in the history of man. "I need to be paid in advance." I fished around in my pockets, and pulled out my massive bulge. Of money. "My, you came prepared."
"Well, I thought buying myself access would cost me more than what you're charging."
"I might have to give you extra benefits."

I gave Gary the one hundred twenty dollars and Gary started earning his keep. I didn't quite know what to do, as I was afraid I might put my hands on a part of Gary's body that would result in me getting thrown out of the club. Thankfully, Gary knew exactly what to do and exactly how to do it. As he was grinding himself against my package, pressing his ample bosom against my reddened cheeks, and delicately blowing into my ear, Gary said to me, "You know, we could make a regular thing of this. Over time, as you continue to make contributions to me, I could give you all the benefits in the world." Something is telling me I just might do that. Namely, the brain that is really controlling things.