News From THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, April 12th, 2015

We've all heard the adage of how it's illegal to shout fire in a theatre.  Well now someone has actually been charged with it.  A 33 year old man has been arrested and is being charged with causing a public disturbance and false reporting of an emergency after reportedly yelling "I have a fire" inside the Century Orleans 18 theatre during a showing of Fast & Furious 7.  The man is currently being held by Las Vegas Police and is currently awaiting bail.

People who were in the theatre at the time this incident took place tell a tale that may seem to be completely innocent.  Witnesses have told this publication that a group of men were sitting in the theatre just before the movie started, and were playing with their phones.  According to eyewitness account, when one of them asked, "What kind of phone do you have?", one of them replied "An iPhone," another "An Andriod," and the suspect replied "I have a Fire."  Apparently somebody overheard this conversation and panicked at the sound of somebody saying "I have a fire" in a theatre.

The suspect in this case has yet to be identified and is expected to bail out later today.

How I'm Spending My Tax Return

A couple of days ago I had my taxes done and found out just how much the federal government loves me.  I'm not going to say specifically what my federal tax return is, but it is more than what my usual paycheck is.  Since I found out how much the federal government loves me, I've been thinking of ways to spend my tax return.

I've contemplated buying a new iPad.  The only reason I have to buy a new iPad is that they now sell one with a storage capacity of 128 GB.  While I could spend my new found money on something completely frivolous, I don't want to go to that extreme.

A couple years ago I took a vacation to Las Vegas.  I didn't do anything really substantive, other than see a couple of shows and bet on the Red Sox.  I could go take another vacation, but, if I'm going to go on a vacation I'd rather go to Los Angeles and see Conan.

Oh yeah, that Project Buy A House thing.  Yeah, I guess I should be continuing to be a responsible adult and continue on my epically long quest to buy my own home.  I guess I should continue to go after what has been a long held goal of mine, because that's what real adults do.  After all, what other adult thing can I go after that will give me a level of satisfaction that only adults can understand.

The World's First 'Sexual Home Appliance' Will Haunt Your Dreams

That's it, I'm spending my tax return on a sex toy.  And, with the money I have left over, I can still buy a new iPad.  Oh joy!