****- Random Generated Disappointing Apocalyptic Brunch

Mass Effect Review


I have a neighbor, Alberto, who's really into horse racing. He reads a mountain of racing literature, does meticulous research into all of the top breeders, and knows the bloodline of Secretariat by heart. For a long time it was his dream to go to Louisville, Kentucky and witness the Kentucky Derby.

This year Alberto was fortunate enough to get tickets, airfare, and lodging to his sacred event, and he choose to take me along with him. Alberto owed me a favor after I rigged it so he could get free porn. We had a good time down there, ate some good food, drank a couple of drinks, and got rejected by some women, good times aplenty.

Then the day of the Kentucky Derby came. We got some nachos and a Mint Julep, and took out seats. Alberto was in a state of utter bliss, a state I hoped to get to as I ordered another Mint Julep. Then the race started, and the race ended. Afterward, I had a question for Alberto, "Is that it?"
"What do you mean"
"Is that it? That's all we came to see?"
"Yes amigo, wasn't it great?"
"Not really."
"What do you mean not really?"
"I- I just don't see-"
"What?"
"The point. I don't see a point to all of this."
"I knew you wouldn't get it."
"Yeah, I don't get it. I don't see the point in horse racing. That's why I'm asking you to explain it to me."

At that point Alberto shut down and stayed that way for the rest of the trip and for some time afterward. We are talking again, but our friendship has definitely been hurt.

A couple of days after I returned from Louisville, I started playing Mass Effect. I played it for a couple of hours every day, drilling further and further into it, eventually finishing the game. However, throughout the game I was asking myself, "Is this it? Is that all there is? Where is the point?"

Don't get me wrong, the game is beautiful, easily approachable, and was moderately enjoyable. It was just listless, unmotivated, and dull at points. I was going through missions with no real sense as to why I'm doing this and what this has to do with anything. I wish that for one minute during this game that I was enthralled in any way, but I simply was not.

Mass Effect: B-



Fallout: Las Vegas Proposal

In the year 2374 a terrorist attack occurs in Las Vegas. It is unclear who is responsible for the attack. What is clear is that this nuclear attack made the once thriving vacation destination an inhospitable wasteland.

The American federal government lacks the resources or the infrastructure to clean up this once thriving metropolis, but a nearby group does. This group sets out to clean up Las Vegas in more ways than one. By 2391 the fruits of this group work are starting to develop. Many buildings sill lie in ruins, but the city is clear of what this group sees as the two most pervasive threats that once existed in Las Vegas: radiation and sin. The former "Sin City" has been rebuilt and revitalized by the LDS Church.

The year is 2432. You emerge from a chamber in the long since forgotten University of Nevada, Las Vegas Cryogenics Facility. As you, an unbeliever, begin to integrate yourself into this post-apocalyptic American Vatican City, you will discover many things. Including your place in this xenophobic utopia, the motives of the leadership behind this New Las Vegas, and the truth behind the attacks in 2374 that made this possible.

Possible future DLC includes the following.
The Purified Capital- Set in a Salt Lake City untouched by the nuclear assaults that have ruined the rest of the United States, you seek to find and extricate the last of the unbelievers.
4/7/74- Experience the events of this tragic day as you seek to find shelter as the terrorist's bombs wreak havoc on Las Vegas.
Broke Steel- You try to get the word out in New Las Vegas of an underground gambling hall while not making yourself known to the leaders of New Las Vegas.

These are to be the only three DLC, unless these three sell extremely well. If that does happen, I propose to pull something out of my ass.



Dice Absorbed

Ever since the critically acclaimed Mirror's edge hit the market, people have been wondering what the next game from EA Digital Illusions CE (DICE) will be. To that end, I called the offices of DICE to speak to their public relations manager. When I called then I found that DICE no longer exists.

After hitting up my contacts and meeting with a guy in a parking lot late at night, I discovered why DICE no longer exists. According to my source, who only identified himself as Fehr, in February of this year DICE was absorbed into the CIA. Fehr says that the people at DICE were heading up a project to turn military and governments agents into operatives with the skills, instincts, and abilities exhibited by Faith in Mirror's Edge.



I attempted to contact someone inside the CIA to get a comment on this story. I believe this to be the reason why I have no memories of Thursday. I am currently reaching out to people inside the Obama Administration to get confirmation. If I can get my hands on some marijuana cigarettes, I may get a meeting with the current Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liaison.

Because of my inability to independently verify Fehr's claims, I am unable to say with a certainty if this story is true or false. All I know is that if Sy Hersh doesn't stop stealing my sources, I'm going to send the VP's hit squad after him. Maybe they can help me get that bag of Cheetos off that ledge I can't seem to get at.



Star Trek Review

I usually post my blogs on Sunday morning. I write them throughout the week, but I usually type them up, make sure they're all correct, and put them up for public consumption on Sunday morning by noon. Last week I altered my routine. I typed up my blog on Thursday morning and posted it after I got home from work on Saturday night. Why? There was a movie I wanted to see and I wanted to catch the Sunday matinee.

So Sunday rolls around, I shower, shave, watch Sports Center, and get dressed and ready to leave the house. I was done with this whole process by 9:45 in preparation for a 12:00 movie. Since I had nothing better to do, I drove down to the theater, intending to get a nice Sunday morning brunch.

Around the theater are various restaurants, Chili's, Ruby Tuesday, IHOP, etc., that I thought would be open. I pulled into the theater parking lot at 10:15 and looked toward the IHOP. There was a line out the door, so that was out. I walked over to the theater, bought my ticket, then walked down to where Chili's, Ruby Tuesday, and Iggy's Sports Grill sit right in a row. As I walked down corridor, I felt like I just walked into a horror film and was walking toward a strung out redneck who was going to jump out and attack me. Nothing was open, everything was dark and no one was around. In fact, outside of the IHOP, none of the restaurants opened until 11AM.

What the fuck. I know I live in a place where the predominate religion says spending money of the Sabbath is immoral, but come the fuck on! I'm hungry, I have money to spend on food, and NO ONE is open to serve me. That, to me, was such a god damn disappointment.

Thankfully the movie I went to see, Star Trek, was absolutely different. In fact, I liked Star Trek so much, I'm going to mirror the process I went through last weekend so I can catch the Sunday matinee of it this weekend. Except this time I'm eating before I leave the house.

Star Trek: A-

****- Living On The Mirror's Edge Of A Madworld

Mirror's Edge Review



Have you ever come across this really compelling story. Whether it's a TV show, a movie, a book, or a play, it's just really compelling. The story begins and you are hooked. You meet characters, interact with the setting, get a feel of the environment the protagonist is in, learn about some of the relationships the protagonist has with other characters, and just generally get engrossed with this expertly crafted tale.

Now what if that story just abruptly ends? The characters are developed, the setting is detailed, the plot starts to go forward, then it just stops. Everything seems cut off, almost as if there's supposed to be more to this story, but the powers that be needed a product to sell, gave the writer a deadline, and ended it in a way that even the writer finds unsatisfactory.

Well, I was playing Mirror's edge this week and-

Mirror's edge: B+


The Following Message Is Not Approved By NBC



Recently our country has been dealing with a growing Swine Flu epidemic. Most reasonable people have been advising people to take reasonable measures to prevent exposure to this pathogen. However, there is one measure that I have yet to hear. I present it to you now.

This Swine flu has caught everyone by surprise, and while not much is known about the origins of this virus, one thing is certain. Contractions of and deaths from Swine Flu exploded in Mexico, and Mexico is home to many infamous and depraved sex shows, some including animals. Until this Swine Flu is under control and cases of this deadly disease go down, let me give you this bit of advice: Don't fuck pigs.




DSick



Hunter Red, pictured above, is entering his office to begin his day. Hunter sits down at his desk and turns his DSi on.

R- Hey, my friend Bryan sent me a picture.
Hunter opens the picture and looks at it for a sec.
R- So, Bryan sent me an altered picture of his junk.
Hunter puts the DSi down, fishes his cell phone out of his pocket, and begins to send a text message.
R- Warning: Objects in the pic you sent me may appear substantially larger than they actually are.
Hunter sends the message and puts his phone away. He then picks the DSi back up and says-
R- Why couldn't he send me the up-skirt pics I asked for? I don't care what he says, a kilt is not a skirt.

THE END


Madworld Review



There are many movies that I would propose people watch. Here are two.



The Running Man with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gene Rayburn, based on the book written by Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman.

This movie is an interesting comment on game shows and the increasingly perilous acts the contestants are challenged to do. Many of the elements in The Running Man are seen in the reality competition programs that clog the airwaves today. The Running Man is truly a cerebral yet brutal action film.



Escape From New York, with Kurt Russell, Issac Hayes, directed by John Carpenter.

John Carpenter's Escape From New York takes place in a dystopic future that occurred twelve years ago. Regardless of this not taking place in the future, the movie is still an excellent example of an alternate timeline where the events between the world's present and the movie's present have all curved toward bad. Escape From New York is also an excellent comment on what we think of and how we deal with criminality in America. It also stands as one of the few good Kurt Russell movies.



Both of these movies are great pieces of filmwork and should be watched by anyone who wants to know what good movies are, or you could play Madworld. Madworld is set in the world of Escape From New York with the basic plot of The Running Man, all done in black and white. By black and white I mean white, black, white, red, and white. A bit too much white space in my opinion, but then again I like things dark and dreary. Just look at my current girlfriend.



Madworld: A-