Virtual Livestrong Complainers

Complain Effect 4 Hinted At

BioWare has hinted at a new game in the Complain Effect franchise, plus provided a name for Complain Effect 3’s next single player downloadable content. The news comes in the wake of the announcement that BioWare co-founders Ray Muzyka and Greg Zeschuck have retired from the company. In a blog post from BioWare Edmonton and Montreal general manager Aaryn Flynn, Complain Effect is mentioned as part of the company’s plans looking forward.

“Executive Producer Casey Hudson and his team are coming off an amazing eight-year run with the Complain Effect trilogy. But they’re not done yet,” Flynn wrote. “We are releasing more multiplayer content and we have more single-player stories coming throughout the next six months, including New Thing To Bitch About, which is coming in the Fall. But the Complain Effect universe is vast, and Casey and our teams have plans for another full game. ‘Where to go next?’ with such a project has been a question a lot of us have been asking, and we’d all love to hear your ideas.”

In talking about the future, Flynn also hinted at a new fictional universe in development at BioWare, mentioning alongside it that “Casey continues to oversee the development of our new Complain Effect project.”

BioWare has said in the past that the Complain Effect franchise could continue but that it won’t revolve around Shepard. The company also hinted that Complain Effect 3 players should keep their save files. As for New Thing To Bitch About, this marks the first time that BioWare has released a name for the content, which it teased during Montreal Comic-Con last weekend.

For now, no additional information about a new Complain Effect project has been revealed, but check out five ideas for a new Complain Effect game for where we think the series should go next, and why no more Shepard could be a good thing.

I swear, this song does not contain audio captured during a Mitt Romney fundraiser.  Scout's honor.

Patents Livestrong

On Wednesday, GamesRadar reported on a patent filed by Microsoft for what is believed to be a new kind of controller device.  Microsoft has been very mute about this patent, as they are with most of the patents that they file.  However, this muteness may be due to plans for the product that, in the light of recent development, have become disadvantageous.

In the patent filing, the product appears to be an armband with sensors that track the movements of the wearer.  This product also appears to be similar to the popular Livestrong bracelets.

The Livestrong bracelets are a very popular wrist-based accessory that serves as a fundraiser for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.  To this point these Livestrong bracelets have raised over eighty million dollars for cancer research.  The face of the Lance Armstrong Foundation and the Livestrong wrist-based accessory is Lance Armstrong.

Controversy has swirled around Lance Armstrong since he won his first Tour de France race.  Last month, Mr. Armstrong gave up his fight against the USADA.  As a result, Lance's Tour de France victories have been stripped away from him.  This action is what has caused Microsoft to be so mute about their armband controller. 

This Microsoft armband controller was set to be a Microsoft Livestrong branded armband controller.  The Microsoft Livestrong armband controller was supposed to serve as a way to raise money for cancer research, as well as show Microsoft and the video gaming public in a more positive light.  However, with Lance Armstrong's recent admission, these plans are not seen in the same way anymore by the head brass at Microsoft.  Microsoft no longer sees associating itself or it's product with Mr. Armstrong as, quoting a Microsoft source, "as an advantageous thing for our company's image."

Currently there are no plans to bring Microsoft's armband controller to the market.  According to my exclusive source, "(Microsoft) is waiting either untill Lance Armstrong's public image is rehabilitated, or untill there comes another celebrity that they can exploit."

Virtual Hockey Tonight!

With the recent lockout of the players by the owners of the National Hockey League, people with business interests in the sport have been making plans for a future without hockey.  One these entities making plans has, not only to deal with lost revenue, but what to do with the airtime vacated by the sport.  This week, unique plans were made to fill that airtime.

This week the NBC Sports Network, the cable outlet formerly known as Versus which has served as the TV home of the NHL since the last lockout, finalized plans to continue to air NHL games.  However, these games will not be the traditional hockey games they have run in the past.  NBC Sports Network is going forward with plans to air virtual games simulated with Electronic Art's latest hockey game, NHL '13.

Plans are to air simulated games on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday nights, as well as provide highlights of games that are not being televised on a new NBC Sports Network show, to be titled "Virtual Hockey Tonight".  NBC Sports Channel President Jon D. Litner said, in a statement:

"We are as disappointed with anyone with the current NHL labor situation.  While we wish the owners and players would resolve their dispute in an expeditious manner, we at NBC Sports need to put contingencies in place in case this dispute causes the cancellation of the 2012-2013 NHL season.  The partnership that we have entered into with Electronic Arts is a first step in making those contingencies."

When reached for comment about this development, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said, "Wait, people can go to other places to get hockey?  FUCK!"

Virtual Hockey Tonight is tentatively scheduled to debut on October 13th, the day that the NHL 2012-2013 season was set to debut.  If the NHL labor dispute is resolved by that date, plans involving virtually simulated content will be put on hold untill the next NHL lockout, which is expected to take place in 2014.

****-Dissapointing Yet Practically Shocking Upskirt Taliban Pics

Green Beer = Practical Jokes



I have several friends who drink. recently, I was talking with these friends about St. Patrick's Day. Now you would think that, being St. Patrick's Day, they would love to go out drinking that night. In fact, they actively avoid drinking that night.

My drinking friends refer to St. Patrick's Day as "Amateur Drinking Night". On this night, people who don't regularly drink get plastered beyond all comprehension on alcohol that tastes like piss. Green beer sucks, green plastic bowler hats suck, people dressed up in green leprechaun gear sucks, the whole night just sucks. Also, if you're not lucky, somebody throws up on you, as opposed to most nights when you have to pay for that shit.



Not being a regular drinker, I would hear their pain, but not really sympathize as I have no real frame of reference to do so. Then I saw some of the pathetic jokes that were pulled around me on April Fools Day. As a satarists, I now feel my drinking friends pain about St. Patrick's day.



April 1st: Amateur Satirists Day


An Open Letter To WWE



Dear WWE,

I've been a loyal fan for well over a decade now. I've purchased your pay-per-views, video games, DVDs, and even action figures. I've been to several live events and every day wear a Hardy Boys pendant I bought at a show.

On Saturday morning, like every week, I sat down to watch Friday Night Smackdown. I expected to get a good wrestling show with some subtle promos for Wrestlemania 25. That is not what I got. If you guys wanted to do an infomercial for Wrestlemania 25, you probably could have gotten the Shamwow guy for cheap. Although you probably would have had to keep the divas away from his as he has a reputation for assaulting prostitutes.




NHL!



On Saturday, the Boston Bruins clinched the top spot in the NHL's Eastern Division. In other news, the NHL still exists!




DSi List



BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi!!!

#1- Take secret illicit up-skirt pics while riding the train.
#2- Play games. (Maybe)

BEHOLD! THE GRAND SPECTACULAR LIST OF THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH MY DSi IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Final Fantasy: Taliban Edition



People have been wondering for generations why the country of Afghanistan is so hard to conquer and the people therein so resilient. The Russians failed to conquer Afghanistan, the US is experiencing much difficulty there, the last foreign leader to succeed there was Alexander the Great around 320 BC. The answer to this question may have finally been discovered. Last Tuesday, Marines raided a Taliban stronghold outside of Taluqan. In this stronghold was discovered a cache of items used by the Taliban in their battles with many various foreign powers. Among these itmes were assault rifles, explosives, crude biological weapons, and phoenix down. That's right, the Taliban has phoenix down.



For those not in the know, allow me to explain what phoenix down is. Phoenix down is a rare and expensive drug made from bird feathers that can, when delivered to someone who is deceased, bring that person back to life. Phoenix down was first discovered in 1987 in a field near Coneria. Phoenix down is abundant and heavily used in Midgar, Dalmasca, Ivalice, and Mt. Gagazet.

According to internal Pentagon documents, phoenix down rivals opium as a leading Afghan export. Many attempts to curb the production of phoenix down have failed as the price of phoenix down has been skyrocketing to nearly $2,500 for one dose. The Pentagon also credits phoenix down as, "The only thing keeping Osama bin Laden alive."

The current whereabouts of the confiscated phoenix down is unknown. Reports have it in the possession of a deliveryman who is en route to a well connected figure who may need the phoenix down very soon. This deliveryman has only been identified as "Scooter".