Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

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During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.

KoRn-fed Satirical Tennis Interview

KORN!!!

So I went to a concert on Saturday. Guess who I saw?




That's right! I'm saw Barry Manilo!


(Sarcasm emoticon)



Roger Federer: Ladies Man

On Tuesday, tennis superstar and twelve inch python owner Roger Federer lost in the quarterfinals of the French Open, which is a tennis tournament held in French Lick, Indiana. When asked what lead to his loss, Mr. Federer said,

"My loss was due, in large part, to me failing to convert on several match points, as well as my numerous foot faults, which prevented me from gaining much of an advantage when I was serving. Also, I nailed three broads last night and am only conscious now because of a can of Red Bull the size of a Buick."

A similar excuse was attempted by Will Forte when explaining why his movie, MacGruber, tanked at the box office. When he was told that the film was in fact on film and not being broadcasted live from the videocameras the NSA imbeds in the walls of all American domiciles, Mr. Forte said, "DAMN IT!"




Red Interviewed

About a month ago I did an interview for a 1UP user named soulsaver(link to his profile page), a journalism student out of Illinois. The article he was working on is an interesting one and deals with a topic that is debated a lot inside and outside of gaming circles. Check it out.




Hunter Red- Ladie Politician Magnet

In recent weeks a blogger and a lobbyist have claimed to have had an intimate physical affair with South Carolina candidate for Governor Nikki Haley. Neither the blogger or the lobbyist have presented any hard proof that this affair took place, but this story had received national attention nonetheless. This story, as well as my conscious and my faith, has driven me to confess to something I vowed I would never confess to.

This is Enid Greene. Miss Greene is a politician from the state of Utah who served one term in the United States House of Representatives. During the 2004 session of the Utah State Legislature, I ran into Miss Greene at the Salt Lake Hilton located at 300 West and East Temple in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. She complimented me on my hair and I complimented her on her Hillary-esque business suit. We continued our conversation at the hotel bar as we consumed alcohol, finger sandwiches, and alcohol. The location of our conversation soon changed to a hotel room at the Salt Lake Hilton and our food of choice soon changed to pan fried pancetta.

Eventually our conversation turned more intimate, conversation turned to action, and our actions started going down the same normal road. For the sake of decency I'm not going to go into much detail, but I, Hunter Wallace Red, will say that I had an intimate physical encounter with Enid Green. Twice. Okay, three times.

What evidence do I have that this encounter actually took place? None. I, at this time, am unable to produce any photographs, videos, letters, or sworn testimony that an intimate physical encounter took place between myself and Miss Greene. Will Miss Greene admit to this encounter when asked? No, but what politician would? So, you have to ask yourself: Is what I am claiming to be believed? Is this unproven, unsubstantiated, and unsolicited claim made by an anonymous blogger true?



2Cents "Get The Door"