Red Review: Hotel Dusk

Red Review: Hotel Dusk

In a bar in Salt Lake City, just down the street from The Official Offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Hunter Red is trying to chat up a girl at a bar, named Bridgette Pan.

Hunter Red- ...but the pacing in that film was so cool, especially in the first sequence.
Bridgette Pan- Which part was that?
Hunter Red- The first part where Ryan Gossling's character is the getaway driver trying to get away from the cops. In most car movies recently, that sequence would have been all action, all adrenaline, all fast fast fast fast.
Bridgette Pan- Yeah.
Hunter Red- But in Drive, that scene is paced in a way that result in this thick, rich tension being developed over time, and I truly enjoy that.
Bridgette Pan- I see.

Bridgette Pan is clearly not impressed by Hunter Red, but Hunter Red doesn't realize it.

Hunter Red- So, can I call you sometime? Perhaps get some coffee?
Bridgette Pan- Well, I don't drink coffee, but yeah, I'll give you my number.

Bridgette Pan gets out a piece of paper, writes down a number, and gives it to Hunter Red.

Bridgette Pan- There you go.
Hunter Red- Allright, I'll call you.
Bridgette Pan- Yeah, sure.

Bridgette Pan gets up off her barstool and walks away. As Hunter Red watches her leave, a guy sits down next to Hunter Red.

Unknown Guy- Crash and burn.

Hunter Red turns to talk to this guy.

Hunter Red- Excuse me?
Unknown Guy- You just blew your chance. That girl is never going to talk to you again.
Hunter Red- What makes you think you know anything about-
Unknown Guy- Call the number she just gave you.
Hunter Red- Won't calling her so soon make me seem-
Unknown Guy- Just call it.

Hunter Red takes out his cellphone and calls the number Bridgette Pan gave him. After a few moments, Hunter Red hangs up his phone and has a dejected look on his face.

Unknown Guy- Was it the girl you were just chatting up?
Hunter Red- No.
Unknown Guy- Who was it?
Hunter Red- The Department Of Sewage Treatment.
Unknown Guy- Ouch! That is a major slam.

Hunter Red gets a really dejected look on his face.

Unknown Guy- Hey, cheer up guy. I can help you out.
Hunter Red- Who are you?
Unknown Guy- Martin Summer. You might have heard of me.
Hunter Red- No, I can't say I have.
Martin Summer- Really? You must not read much. I'm kind of a big deal in the writing world.
Hunter Red- What do you, run a publishing house or something?

Martin Summer gets this offended look on his face.

Martin Summer- No, I'm a writer.
Hunter Red- Really? So am I.
Martin Summer- Pfft. I doubt it. If you were a writer, I'd have heard of you.
Hunter Red- I haven't heard of you. Also, I don't want myself to be famous, I want my work to be famous.
Martin Summer- Pfft. That's child's play. All good writers want to be a famous big deal, like I am.
Hunter Red- Sure you are.
Martin Summer- You don't believe me?
Hunter Red- No, I do not believe you.
Martin Summer- Check this out.

Martin Summer turns to a woman sitting on the barstool next to him, heretofore referred to as Nicole.

Martin Summer- Hello miss.
Nicole- Hi.
Martin Summer- I'm Martin Summer. Perhaps you've heard of me?
Nicole- Oh yeah.

Clearly, Nicole has not heard of Martin Summer nor is really listening to him. Not recognizing this, Martin Summer persists.

Martin Summer- So, perhaps we can meet up later. I can talk to you about writing theory, the creative process, and general deep philosophical concepts.
Nicole- Oh yeah, sure. (To someone away from the bar.) Hey, Angela!

Nicole gets up and walks away from the bar. Hunter Red takes note of this.

Hunter Red- That seemed to work well.

Martin Summer takes out his smartphone and points it at Nicole. After a couple of moments, he says-

Martin Summer- Yep, lesbian. I had no shot, my phone confirms that.
Hunter Red- Sure it does.
Martin Summer- Yeah, lines like that work all the time if the girl in question is receptive to it.

Hunter Red finishes his drink then speaks to Martin Summer again.

Hunter Red- Sure. Hey, I'm going to go over there, but I'll be right back to learn your technique.
Martin Summer- I'm looking forward to teaching you the technique that removed the panties off ladies nationwide.
Hunter Red-(Sarcastically) Sure it did.

Hunter Red walks away from the bar, wholly intending not to return. Martin Summer gets the attention of the bartender.

Martin Summer- Bartender, get me the manliest drink you have, which is, of course, a Stella Artois. The beer so manly Adrien Body does ads for it.


END SCENE



Written on my iPad while listening to my iPod Touch while drinking my iSoda. Thank you Mr. Jobs.

Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

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During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.