Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

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During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.

****-Shocking Unveilings For Rocktober Brides

Project NATALIE?

Among the things revealed at Monday's Microsoft E3 Press Conference was Project NATAL. Project NATAL promises a gaming experience where you are the controller, literally. Project NATAL looks to be very impressive and there has been much speculation as to how exactly this technology will be utilized. Because having a shiny new thing is great but if you don't utilize it properly it will go to waste.

One rumor having to do with Project NATAL has to do with a well known Hollywood actress. When the Microsoft Press Conference was broadcasted on G4 live closed captioning was provided. When Project NATAL was unveiled the closed captioning misspelled the project name as "Project Natalie". If that was an isolated incident it would have been written off as a mistake, but this misspelling continued throughout the rest of the presentation. This has led to speculation among the deaf community that Project NATAL will launch with a game or an application that will feature Natalie Portman.

I tried to talk to one of the main propagators of these rumors, Professor of History at Gallaudet University David Penna. However when I tried to talk to him, he started flashing gang signs and I punched him in the face. West Side!

I reached Miss Portman for a statement abut the rumors involving her. "These rumors are entirely false. I am not involved in any video game projects at present time. Also, for the last time, I will not go out with you."

Miss Portman's statement seems to close the deal on this rumor, but the future of Project NATAL is a large and unknown entity. Perhaps in the future there will be a game where you can interact with many Hollywood stars in the way that you interacted with Lionhead's Mylo. That would be sweet and I'm sure that, given Lionhead's track record, the first would be good, the second would be awesome.



Bride Saught

On Thursday, David Carradine was found dead in Bangkok. Beatrix Kiddo is currently being searched for by police for questioning.




The Hawk by Hunter Red Version 1.1
The Hawk PDF
So last week I posted a PDF version of The Hawk for people to download for free. Hopefully this will silence all those people who were whining about having to download a Word document. If you still have problems obtaining The Hawk, contact me and I'll give you explicit directions on where you should go. A bit of warning, before following through on the instructions make sure to dress for extremely warm temperatures. EXTREMELY warm.

By the way, I'll be doing a book signing on Sunday. The signing will take place at The Pie restaurant near the main campus of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, Utah at approximately noon. This signing is contingent on whether or not I actually show up, and if you bother me while I'm eating I ain't signing nothin' for you. The location of this signing may change to The Pier 49 Pizza on State Street near the Best Buy, the Chili's down the street from my house, or my kitchen if I decide to eat in. Hope to see you there... except for the last one.



PSN Still SUCKS!

On Friday I tried to play Little big Planet. I wanted to fully experience this game, including the downloadable levels. In order to do this, I had to deal with PSN. The utter incompetence that is PSN prevented me from experiencing the creative levels of my fellow gamers. I wasn't even able to connect to download the update! PSN fails!



Brutal Legend Comes Out... When?

One of the fuckton of games showcased at this year's E3 Convention is Tim Schafer's lastest game, Brutal Legend. In an interview on G4, Mr. Schafer said that the release date for Brutal Legend is set for "Rocktober 13th".

This concept of "Rocktober" intrigued me. I had never heard of this "Rocktober" and was intended as to how this fit into the modern Gregorian calendar. So I Googled "Rocktober" and received the suggestion of "Did you mean October", to which I replied, "No, if I meant October, I would have said October. I want to know about Rocktober!? Because Google lacks voice recognition, I was unable to get a response.

I scoured the internet in search for this mythological "Rocktober" to no success. the closest thing I found was an ad for a Chevy dealership that recently was forced out of business. Apparently "Rocktober" is a concept that is unknown to this world, much like a good design for the Playstation Portable.

A spokesman for Double Fine Studios, the creator of Brutal Legend, said about this topic, "You don't know what Rocktober is? I guess you're not metal enough." This might be true as I am a human and not a mechasapien.

When reached for comment about this issue, Jack Black, who provides the voice of Eddie Riggs for Brutal Legend, said to me, "You wanna get high?"


As of this writing, I have yet to find a firm, verifiable release date for the hotly anticipated Brutal Legend. This is after persistent and belligerent calls to my local Game Stop asking, "What the fuck is Rocktober!" This was followed shortly by a visit from Chelsea, an officer with the West Valley City Police Department. A young brunette female with a police baton. I think I'm in love.



Xbox 360 Shock Controller Confirmed!

At Microsoft's E3 Press Conference on Monday a new game was announced that set the gaming world ablaze. Hideo Kojima walked on stage during Microsoft's conference to announce Metal Gear Solid: Rising

Among the images seen during the announcement were the words "Lightning Bolt Action" connected to MGS:R. No details were given at the press conference as to what this meant. After hitting up my contacts, I was given exclusive access to the meaning behind "Lightning Bolt Action". However, in order to make this info public, I agreed to keep my source anonymous.

As was the cast with Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3, a new controller will launch for the Xbox 360 just before the launch of Metal Gear Solid: Rising. this new controller has been dubbed "The 360 Shock Controller". What makes this controller different is the way manual user feedback is handled. Instead of rumble technology, which is so last gen, the user will feel the game as they play it by way of minor electrical currents being fed into the user hands. yes, the 360 Shock Controller will literally shock you.

It is unknown what kind of technical and legal hurdles will have to be overcome before the 360 Shock Controller will make it's way to market, but this sure is an intriguing development in the realm of user feedback. It should, at the very least, serve as a deterrent for me playing games with the controller on my crotch.