July 7 Now Declared 1337 Day

With the start this week of the lame duck session of congress, there has been talk of the people who represent us really getting down to some good substantive work. However on Wednesday that was proven to be false. Signed into law on Friday was US Federal Act 801-359-9696 making July 7th 1337 Day, or Leet Day.

Leet Day is a day set aside to celebrate all things geek. These things include video games, computers, live action role playing, and really hot anime women. Leet Day came to be in much the same way Valentines Day, Love Day, and Halliburton is Awesome Day did, lots of corporate money. This legislation's sponsors, Harry Reed, Orrin Hatch, and Jim Matheson, all recieved huge contributions from such companies as Microsoft, Electronic Arts, and Activision Blizzard. Gamecock did try to contribute to political campaigns, but were rejected because their name contains the word "cock".

As with anything else involving video games, the Christian Right has reacted to this in a rage. Somehow relevant evangelist Pat Robertson said, "First the liberals execute a hostile takeover of Washington, D.C., then they sign this uproarious legislation, what's next? World Satanist Day sponsored by the UN? Complete civil right for Atheists? Agnowledgement that gays exist!?!"


Family Video Game Advisory Corporation spokesman Ned Flanders said, "The Satanist have taken over. I'm going home to protect my family from the upcoming mandatory liberal sponsored child sex bus. Why has God forsaken us?"


And, of course, Jack Thompson had something to say. However, the only people around to take down what he said was his fifteen cats, his long suffering wife, and the one guy left who totally believes everything he says.

Leet Day coming July 7th to be celebrated at the 15,796,784 Gamestop locations across the country, including the nine within driving distance of your parent's basement.

MGS 4: Gimps of the Patriots

On a yearly, quarterly, or monthly basis, corporations make known to the public how much revenue they are making. This is how we know Exxon makes more money than god, that Sirius and XM Satellite Radio are hemorrhaging money, and that the Redertainment Corporation of America is using its revenue to club baby seals. This is also how we know how much adult novelty sites make off the products we use to make each other very, very happy, or very, very ashamed.

One of these sites is Ultimategimpmasks.com. In the previous seven quarters, Ultimategimpmasks.com had lost a total of fifteen million dollars. However, in the last quarter, mostly through sales and ads on the site, this seller of adult sexual aids made 1.27 billion dollars. When asked about why they have made so much money in such a short amount of time, Ultimategimpmasks.com credits this to an uptick in the sales of full body black leather gimp suits with full coverage masks. Although they would not give specifics on their customers, they did say that most of their new customers have interests in video games, snakes, and cigarettes. Based on this information, many people are speculating that Ultimategimpmasks.com's success can be attributed to Metal Gear Solid 4 and Old Snake. Either that, or Hank Azaria.



When reached for comment about this story, Metal Gear Solid 4 producer Hideo Kojima said, "It does not surprise me that this effect has taken place. Many different kinds of people produced and consume my projects, including people who like to get freaky. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remove this painful butt plug."

Metal Gear Solid 4 is not just a gold mine for Ultimategimpmasks.com, but also for the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC), because now they have something new to bitch about. FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said, "This is a clear sign of the persistent perversion that runs through all video games, and all people connected with video games. I call on all people to send all copies of MGS4 to us so that we can send this filth straight to hell. Just don't ask what we actually do with what people send us."

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is expected to continue selling strongly despite the best efforts of the FVGAC. It is also expected to sell even stronger in parts of the country that are extremely sexually repressed. These areas include Provo, Utah, Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Lexington, Virginia.