****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire

FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor

The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."

So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.



Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.

This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.

In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."

In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.

When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."

The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.



Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.

So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?

Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.




Cotaahcoo

One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.

That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.

Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised

Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!

Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.

****- Lara's Dog Breaks A Window

Lara Croft's Not Available!



At recent events, such as GDC, Treasure Hunter Day at the British Museum, and the annual Redertainment Easter Bash, Alison Carroll, the model who portrays Lara Croft, has been spotted wearing a gold band on her left hand. This is traditionally a sign that someone is married.

When asked about this, Miss Carroll said, "I was tired of people endlessly hitting on me at events. This serves as an outward expression that I'm not available." When it was pointed out to her that most nerds lack social graces, and the romantic advances would probably continue unabated, Miss Carroll was heard to say, "Shit!"


Cynophobia Rears It's Cure Laid Head

One of the things I plan to do this summer is take a long vacation. I plan to go to many places, see many things, and get rejected by a ton of women.

One of the places I was planning to go was the White House. I was going to take the tour, take lots of pics, and generally enjoy myself. Those plans were officially dashed on Tuesday. Why? One word: Bo.



Cute yet frightening. Much like children.


A Day In The Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office, hard at work on the next Four Stars Blog, when his secretary, Liz, enters to give him a message.

Liz- Mr Red.
Hunter Red- Yes.
L- There's a Jack Thompson on the phone for you.
R- Why is he calling me? Is he upset about something I wrote?
L- No, he wants to talk about the situation between himself and Mike Waddoups.
R- What line is he on?
L- Two.
R- Thank you.
Liz leaves as Hunter picks up the phone.
R- Hello.
Thompson- Is this Hunter Red?
R- Speaking.
T- I want to talk to you about the outrageous situation that's developed between myself and Mike Waddoups.
R- Okay, I'm listening.
T- I thought I had this support. He helped me craft the legislation, rallied support for it, even voted for it. But when one thing goes wrong, like that heathen governor vetoing the bill, he bails. Has he always been this flaky?
R- You think maybe you did something to aggravate him?
T- Like what?
R- Mike Waddoups is a Mormon.
T- So?
R- And the Mormon Church frowns on pornography.
T- And?
R- Because Mike Waddoups is a Mormon, and the Mormon Church frowns on pornography, it is reasonable to say that Waddoups frowns on pornography and would therefore not appreciate someone sending it to him over and over and over.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Did you see the pornographic image, because I can send it to you.
R- No, I don't need you to send me anything.
Hunter's computer chimes.
T- You get that thing I sent ya?
Hunter goes over to his computer and opens a message.
R- Yeah, I see it.
T- Does it offend you like it offends me?
R- No, not really.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause I can fax it to ya.
R- Do we even have fax machines in this office?
A machine in Hunter's office begins to hum and wirr. Hunter then hears several more machines start to turn on similarly.
T- I didn't know which fax number was yours, so I sent it to all the numbers in your office.
The machine in Hunter's office spits out a piece of paper. Hunter picks up the paper then says-
R- Oh no.
L- What the hell?
Thomas Anderson- Why am I receiving this? Who sent this through the Matrix?
Seifer Kinneas- Score! Free porn!
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Yeah, several people in my office did.
SK- Finally, something to replace Penthouse.
T- Does it offend you like it does me?
R- No, in fact, I'm offended that you re-sent this to me.
SK- Hey Liz, you wanna try what's in this picture?
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause there's another way I can deliver it to ya.
R- How else are you going to deliver the image to me?
As Hunter finished that sentence, the window in his office broke.
R- What the hell?
Hunter gets up to look at the shattered glass and finds a rock among the glass. Hunter goes to the window and looks out to see Jack standing on top of a panel wan.
R- What the fuck are you doing?
T- Look!
Jack points down at the panel van. On the side of the panel van, in full color and detail, is the picture in question.
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Jack, it might be illegal to send pornographic images repeatedly to a public official. It could be illegal to fax pornographic images to an entire office. However, it IS illegal to have a pornographic image plastered on the side of a panel van parked out in public view.
T- So you agree it's a pornographic image!
R- No, Jack, NO!
T- You said it, you agree with me! Hunter agrees with me, he thinks GTA should be banned.
Jack starts to parade around and repeat his last sentence as Hunter fruitlessly pleads for him to stop. This continues until, all of a sudden, a dart is shot into Jack's neck. Jack falls off the panel van and lands with a thud on the sidewalk. Hunter is puzzled by this event. Looking out the window, he leans forward and looks directly down to see Bill Allred with a dart gun in his hand.
Bill- Hey Hunter.
R- Hey Bill.
B- I was wondering if you could do something for me.
R- Sure, what?
B- Can you work in a plug for Delightful Water Universe into your blog post this week?
R- Sure, I'll try.
B- Thanks.
R- No problem.
Hunter pulls his head from his window and sits back at his desk. Hunter studies the picture Jack sent him for a moment and says-
R- Anyone who'd get their rocks off to that is one pathetic puppy.
Hunter deletes the image and gets back to work.
THE END

Red Rant: Beware Of The Eagle Forum

On Saturday, an article posted on GamePolitics revealed that Jack Thompson is set to make a speech at the annual Utah Eagle Forum Convention on Saturday, January 17th. It also revealed that Mr. Thompson was working with the Utah Eagle Forum on video game legislation for the upcoming session of the Utah Legislature. What they are trying to do is revive a piece of legislation that was ultimately discarded after many people raised objections over it. Most prominent was Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, who said the law was unconstitutional. This is a bad omen. Not because Jack Thompson is involved, because the Eagle Forum is involved.

The Utah Eagle Forum is a hard line conservative lobbying group in Utah. They blatantly back legislation and politicians that are racist, sexist, homophobic, and other kinds of hateful and catch no public flack for it. The Eagle Forum is very powerful. When they put their minds toward something, it gets done. Whether it's protecting a politician, getting a piece of legislation through, or killing a piece of legislation or a politician's career. The Eagle Forum gets shit done.

I'm not saying the two issues are the same, but I'm going to draw parallels between the gay marriage issue and the legislation of video games issue. In 2004, Utah Amendment 3 was proposed. When this law was put to a public vote, it was backed by, most notably, the LDS Church, in much the same way they backed California's Proposition 8. One of the early backers of this legislation was the Eagle Forum. Despite objections from many minority groups, and Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, this amendment made it through committee, was passed by the legislature, and ultimately passed by the people of Utah with a 66% majority. The Eagle Forum got shit done.

As I said earlier, this is a bad omen. The Eagle Forum is a wide reaching and powerful group that can enact legislation that is only meant to further their agenda at the expense of those who object to them. I am afraid that their involvment will ultimately mean that video game legislation will ultimately pass into law, no matter how unconstitutional it is. I fear for us all.

The 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards

Welcome to the 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards. This is the award show that takes the place of this week’s blog, because who want to work right now. For these awards, I wanted the input of the various people who read my blogs on 1UP, All Games, and on Redertainment.com. So I reached out to those people and asked them for their assistance. Unfortunately only one person responded, Travelinfool. However, that has not stopped me from going through with my vision. So, here now are the awards as stated by Travelinfool and myself.

Downloadable Game of the Year
Hunter Red: Portal: Sill Alive
Travelinfool: Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
Winner: Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2

Travelinfool said of this game, “By far the most addictive game I’ve played this year. Putting the next highest player on your friends list in the corner was ingenious” and I agree with him. Geometry Wars 2 took the game that was a runaway hit when the 360 Live Arcade launched and improved on it in ways that enthralled the gaming public. While my vote did go to Portal: Still Alive, I must agree that Geometry Wars Retro Evolved 2 is the 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards Downloadable Game of the Year.


Wii Game of the Year
Hunter Red: Super Mario Galaxy
Travelinfool: Mario Kart Wii
Winner: Super Mario Galaxy

Yes I know this game was released in 2007. Yes I know this game was a Wii launch title. Yes I know that Mario Kart Wii may be the best Wii game of 2008, with Travelinfool saying “a blast to play with my family.” However, I don’t care. No game released in 2008 comes close to the awesomeness that is Super Mario Galaxy. I’m not a Mario Follower or a Nintendo Lemming, but I love this game. Its kiddish graphical style and storyline hide a deep and addictive gameplay experience. Super Mario Galaxy continues to stand as the must have Wii title. That is why Super Mario Galaxy is the 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards Wii Game of the Year.


Playstation 3 Game of the Year
Hunter Red: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Travelinfool: Little Big Planet
Winner: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Before MGS4 came out, I jokingly said that the PS3 would not get a great game until 2009. I also, in all seriousness, said the Playstation 3 had no elite games. That all changed with MGS4. MGS4 is a game that I would not only suggest to anyone, if you asked, I would lend it to you. Little Big Planet is almost as good, with Travelinfool saying of it, “It is a blast to play with my kids and is helping my son learn level design.” However if I had to choose one game as the best game on the Playstation 3 thus far, it would be MGS4, with LBP a close second. As a result, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is the 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards Playstation 3 Game of the Year.


Xbox 360 Game of the Year
Hunter Red and Travelinfool: Grand Theft Auto IV
Winner: Grand Theft Auto IV

There are great games that come out and change the way games are played. Grand Theft Auto IV is not one of those games. GTAIV takes the gameplay, storytelling, and general awesomeness of the previous games and makes them bigger and better. Not only that, but you can do things in this game you would hesitate to do in real life. Namely pick up hookers, get lap dances, and jump off the roofs of very tall buildings. Travelinfool called Grand Theft Auto IV, “The most immersive and well thought out open world game to date,” and I could not agree more. That is why Grand Theft Auto IV is the 2008 Four Star Gaming Awards Xbox 360 Game of the Year.

Console of the Year
Hunter Red and Travelinfool: Xbox 360
Winner: Xbox 360

For much of the year, this award was a tossup between the Playstation 3 and the Xbox 360. Then Microsoft rolled out the New Xbox Experience, and while some aspects are a disappointment, overall the NXE greatly added to the Xbox gaming experience. Travelinfool and I agree, “Yet again the most games, the best online system and now Netflix.” That is why the Microsoft Xbox 360 is the Four Star Gaming Awards Console of the Year.

Worst Gaming Moment of the Year
Hunter Red: Old Snake Smoking
Travelinfool: All Games Interactive stopped broadcasting
Winner: All Games Interactive stopped broadcasting

On August 15, 2008, Scot Rubin left popular internet radio show All Games Interactive and said that there were plans to continue the show after his departure. These plans have yet to materialize, and fans of the show have been griping ever since. AGI is a unique show that is as much about the gamers who play games as the games that they play. While Dead Pixel Live and ZapAttack! have tried to fill the void, there is a large gap in Video Game Internet Radio that only All Games Interactive can fill.

Best Gaming Moment of the Year
Hunter Red: Jack Thompson Getting Disbarred
Travelinfool: Everyone playing GTAIV when it came out
Winner: Jack Thompson Getting Disbarred

I hesitate to give an award for this because it amounts to kicking a man when he’s down, but this was a long time coming. Jack Thompson has been making ass backward statements about media he finds objectionable longer than many of us have been willingly consuming media. From 2 Live Crew to Cop Killer to Doom to Manhunt to Grand Theft Auto IV, Jack Thompson has been at the forefront of douchebaggery. Finally Jack Thompson has lost his credibility as a lawyer, and hopefully his credibility in general. I just hope that people continue to spite him by playing games like Grand Theft Auto IV.

Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving of an Award
Hunter Red and Travelinfool: Barack Obama
Winner: Barack Obama

After eight years of general incompetence under the Bush Administration, people were loudly asking for some relief. We got that relief in Barack Obama. Mr. Obama is a person worthy of the respect that comes with the office of the President. I am proud to say that I supported, contributed to, and voted for Barack Obama.

Overall Game of the Year
Hunter Red: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Travelinfool: Little Big Planet
Winner: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Of all the games released this year, Metal Gear Solid 4 was by far the best in my opinion. I’ve never played a game with this level of graphic storytelling, cutscenes, and music. Metal Gear Solid 4 led a renaissance for the Playstation 3 that, along with Little Big Planet, turned it into a game machine worth buying. Travelinfool said of Little Big Planet, “Overall we’ll get the most gameplay and also learn a thing or two about designing a game.” Overall this was a good year for games, but one has to stand tall as the best of the year, and Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is that game.

That’s it, the first annual Four Star Gaming Awards is complete. I’d like to thank Travelinfool for his input into these awards. Although I am disappointed that he was the only one to provide input, I look forward to next years awards and next years insights. I’d also like to thank Google, 1UP, and All Games for providing the platforms for the Four Stars Blog, a blog that is directionless and damn proud of it. Also, thanks to Derrick Hopkins, for without him Redertainment.com would not be a reality today. Finally, thanks to you, my readers. For without readers, all this would be is a lone red head screaming pointlessly at the darkness. Please join us next year for the 2009 Four Star Gaming Awards.

July 7 Now Declared 1337 Day

With the start this week of the lame duck session of congress, there has been talk of the people who represent us really getting down to some good substantive work. However on Wednesday that was proven to be false. Signed into law on Friday was US Federal Act 801-359-9696 making July 7th 1337 Day, or Leet Day.

Leet Day is a day set aside to celebrate all things geek. These things include video games, computers, live action role playing, and really hot anime women. Leet Day came to be in much the same way Valentines Day, Love Day, and Halliburton is Awesome Day did, lots of corporate money. This legislation's sponsors, Harry Reed, Orrin Hatch, and Jim Matheson, all recieved huge contributions from such companies as Microsoft, Electronic Arts, and Activision Blizzard. Gamecock did try to contribute to political campaigns, but were rejected because their name contains the word "cock".

As with anything else involving video games, the Christian Right has reacted to this in a rage. Somehow relevant evangelist Pat Robertson said, "First the liberals execute a hostile takeover of Washington, D.C., then they sign this uproarious legislation, what's next? World Satanist Day sponsored by the UN? Complete civil right for Atheists? Agnowledgement that gays exist!?!"


Family Video Game Advisory Corporation spokesman Ned Flanders said, "The Satanist have taken over. I'm going home to protect my family from the upcoming mandatory liberal sponsored child sex bus. Why has God forsaken us?"


And, of course, Jack Thompson had something to say. However, the only people around to take down what he said was his fifteen cats, his long suffering wife, and the one guy left who totally believes everything he says.

Leet Day coming July 7th to be celebrated at the 15,796,784 Gamestop locations across the country, including the nine within driving distance of your parent's basement.

Stabby Simpson Sues

After news broke of Jim Brown filing a lawsuit against EA and Sony over use of his likeness, another Hall Of Fame running back announced a lawsuit of his own. Orenthal James Simpson, known to his friends as "Stabby", has announced that he will be suing Ubisoft and Crytek for use of his image in the video game Far Cry.



Stabby Simpson is alledging that the central character in Far Cry, identified as Jack Carver, is obviously based on him. He's using a video of Jack whipping out a switchblade and stabbing a guy in the back as evidence for this case. In legal briefs filed Tuesday, Mr. Simpson said the following in a legal affidavit:

"When I saw this game in action I got an instant hard on. I believe this happened for two reasons. One: This game allows you to stab lots of people, and I absolutely love to sue people. Two: The main character not only gets away with but is actually encouraged to stab a seemingly endless supply of people. I identified with this character right away."

Other lawsuits of a similar nature have been announced. These include:


Random Black Guy #5 suing Epic over Gears of War and Augustus Cole.



Samuel L. Jackson is suing every video game company over his image being used for every cool black character that has ever appeared in any video game ever.


Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Mary-Kate Olsen are suing Rockstar over their image being used for the prostitutes in GTA4.



The women of The View are suing Konami over the sick, twisted, deranged, homicidal female bosses in MGS4.


And finally, Sean Hannity, Jack Thompson, Michael Savage, and Scott McClellan, are all suing The Redertainment Corporation Of America over the recently annouced game Bitch Slap Douchebags.

Stabby Simpson's lawsuit is scheduled to go to trial next year, but that nay change depending on how his currently pending criminal trial plays out. One this is clear thought, lawyers who have no problem filing baseless, frivolous lawsuits stand to make a truckload of hot, sweaty cash.