Notes From Rehab

Skylight

Much effort was made
to put in the mechanism
to allow natural light in.
Natural light quickly overrun
by the artificial.
It makes you wonder
why they put in the effort.
Effort quickly put to waste
by that which was already there
and is preferred by most.
I don't even like the natural light.
Mostly because I can't distinguish it from the rest.



Deal With It

Don't think I don't notice you.
Don't think I don't know you are there.
Don't think I don't know what you are doing.
Don't think I don't feel that.
Don't think I don't notice the various debris that you throw at me.
Don't think I don't know that you are aiming at my head, but mostly missing.
Don't think I don't know that you are aiming at my head, and occasionally connecting.
Don't think I don't notice you, I just choose to ignore you.
I know you want me to move.
I know you want to be rid of me.
I know you want me, in my despair, to leave this situation that you are making even more hostile to me.
I know you want me gone, if not from this world, at least this place.
I know all of this, but I refuse.
I refuse to move from this place.
I refuse to put myself is a situation more hospitable to me.
I refuse to put myself in a place where I can be happy.
I refuse, for I know that if I relent, you win.
I refuse to allow that to happen.
I know what you want, don't think I don't, I refuse.
I will always refuse, deal with it.



Grandpa Buys A Building

Hi. I'm Roger Red, President and CEO of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. I've been around this great country of ours, and I've noticed something in my travels. From the ivy covered universities of the northeast to the waterlogged colleges of Louisiana, every great institution of higher learning has a program dedicated to scientific endeavors. Every institution except for the college I graduated from, The College Of Utah. You see, The College Of Utah strives for a higher purpose, a more nobel ideal. And, as a upstanding Mormon, I am glad to give my name and my money to the pursuit of that ideal.

Ladies and gentlemen and liberals, I present to you The Rodger Wallace Red Institute For Creationsitic Endeavors. At this institute, world class creationists are breaking boundaries and making new discoveries in the world of creationism. Unlike other creationistic institutions, we at The Rodger Wallace Red Institute For Creationistic Endeavors do not just blindly follow The Bible. We also follow the vast wealth of knowledge in the Book Of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the vastly influential Pear Of Great Price.

As science is quickly losing relevance in our overwhelmingly conservative world, creationism and creationists are filling the void. Whereas before the truth was a constantly changing thing, not the truth is set in stone. Creationism stone.




I Don't Belong In This World

I don't belong in this world
I hear them talking
I hear the bigotry
the anti-intellectualism
the anti-thinking
the tearing down of bridges
the widening of rifts
the insistence that we drive out the outsider
the non-conformist
the weird
the insistence that peace can only come from purity
I don't belong in this world
Good.



Inappropriate Music Choices

Hello, and welcome to this, The 37th Annual The Redertainment Corporation Of America Charitable Gala, Auction, and Go-Kart Tournament. I'm your emcee Anthony Severe. Before we get to the dancing and the go-karting, let's get the auction underway. Mr. Red has been gracious enough to provide music for each of the items up for bid. He didn't provide any items for the auction, but he's an uncaring liberal.

The first item up for bid is a one hundred dollar gift certificate to Takashi in downtown Salt Lake City. Takashi is regularly recognized as the finest Japanese cuisine restaurant in Salt Lake City by man publications, as well as the communist newspaper. Takashi.

The second item is an invitation to a preview of Salt Lake's first authentic German restaurant, Rosenrot. Rosenrot finally brings authentic German dishes, alcohol, and atmosphere to a population that has been craving it. Rosenrot.

The third item is a cricket bat, supplied to us by Queen's Select. Queen's Select has been Salt Lake's British import leader since 1952. Featuring authentic English candy, clothing, and novelties, Queen's Select is a must stop place for any Anglophile. Queen's Select.

Our final item up for bid is a Fortune Teller set from The Muted Assistant. This set includes a crystal ball, tarot cards, and a headscarf that is in no way connected to Muslims. The Muted Assistant, at the corner of East Temple and Redwood Road, is the premier location for hobbyist, professionals, or anyone who wants to astound the inebriated. The Muted Assistant.

That's all the items up for auction, put in your bids because these items are hot. We'll get the Go-Kart Tournament started in a minute, but first, a song to get the Gala started.




Coming Soon, Writing Mama!

Cooking Mama Limited's Cooking Mama franchise, starting from the humble beginnings of teaching nerds how to cook, has quickly expanded into a multi-genre, multi-platform, multi-million dollar juggernaut. In the process, the protagonist of this series, Mama, has participated in a number of domestic orientated activities, from cooking and baking, to horticulture, babysitting, and craftwork. Now Cooking Mama Limited is set to take Mama on a journey that will take their domestic moneymaker far beyond the confines of the home. However, as with all attempts to take women out of the home, conservatives have slammed Cooking Mama Limited for this endeavor. Is the Right correct in their criticism? Let's take a look at the game and see.

Cooking Mama Limited's recently announced Directing Mama game takes the protagonist, Mama, into the world of filmmaking for the first time. Players can take Mama through the path of making small home made films, gritty indie flicks, low budget hollywood releases, to, if you play the game well enough, big budget blockbusters. It seems it's the gritty indie flicks portion of the game that has gotten the conservative's ire.

The spokesman for the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation, Ned Flanders, Ned Flanders said of Directing Mama, "The gritty indie flicks portion of this game has the player creating movies that contain scenes that amount to softcore pornography. I am not being overly dramatic when I say that. I have watched thousands of hours of many different forms of pornography, for research purposes only, and I can conclusively say that the scenes depicted in Directing Mama fall right between sweaty fully-clothed dry humping and half-naked intercourse with flashes of penetration, right where softcore pornography is nestled."

The conservative outrage over Directing Mama is expected to last for some time, mostly because there is no Grand Theft Auto game on the horizon. Many loyal followers of the Cooking Mama series have already pre-ordered this new installment of the series, and are eagerly anticipating directing Mama in their own interpretation of White Chocolate Pudding.



Elite Movie

Many animation aficionados are aware of the work of Dawny and Murray. The 70s era series of animated shorts, a parody of musicians Donnie and Marie Osmond, hold a very loyal following among the people who have been fortunate enough to see it. These fans were, needless to say, thrilled with the announcement of the production of new Dawny and Murray shorts. These shorts were scheduled to be released along with Elite Movie, the latest in the series of movies from the people who brought you the Scary Movie movies.

Now the release of the new Dawny and Murray shorts have been put in jeopardy after announcement of the cancellation of Elite Movie. Elite Movie, which was to be a parody of the 24 hour news cycle, was cancelled after the realization that the 24 news industry is a parody of itself. Proof of this comes in the continued employment of Nancy Grace, Glen Beck, and Ed Schultz. It is unknown what will be done with the footage already shot for this movie, but that is not the focus of the attention at this point.

Fans of Dawny and Murray have organized an internet petition campaign to urge the studio set to release the new animated shorts, Entertainment Arts, either in the theaters or as a direct to DVD release. E.A. President of Animated Development, Trevor Griffin, said of a possible release, "We at Entertainment Arts are proud of the new Dawny and Murray shorts we have produced, and we do intend on making these animated works available to the public. However, let me be clear, we sunk a lot of money into Elite Movie. We spent 45 Million dollars on fake vomit alone. If we don't make some money, in some way, from this project, my ass is grass."

Trevor Griffin's words have not been received well by fans of Dawny and Murray fans. Many are prepared to pay up to $60 to view these shorts, but are not happy about it.



Why?

I can see her.
I can see her lying, sleeping, there.
I can see her gently rising and falling bosom.
I can see her long, slender, strong, legs.
I can see her gently sloping curves.
I can see her ivory skin, reflecting the light of morning.
I can see her hair, once controlled, now flowing beautifully free.
I can see her, basked in the serenity that comes with slumber.
I can see her there, I am certain that I can.
However, I know that she is not there.
I know that she was never there.
So why can I see her?
Why does she haunt my life so?
Why?
Why?
Why?



Red Review- Columbine by Dave Cullen

For many of my generation, the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11th, 2001 is the most significant event in our lives. The 9/11 Commission Report sought to explain that event. The 9/11 Commission Report lays out the events of that day in start detail. It delves into the persons responsible for those terrorist acts, their background, their motives, and their methods. It delves into the people who were supposed to stop those terrorist acts, what they missed, how they missed it, and why. The 9/11 Commission Report tells what happened before, during, and after those terrorist attacks. The 9/11 Commission Report is the most comprehensive, least biased, and definitive account of the events of September 11th, 2001. In his book, Dave Cullen, a freelance reporter in Denver, sought to create the definitive account of an event he covered.

Columbine by Dave Cullen is about the events that took place at Columbine High School on April 20th, 1999. This book details why committed these acts, the victims of these acts, the families of the victims and the perpetrators, the police, the media, nearly everyone who was directly impacted by the events of April 20th, 1999. The detail that Dave Cullen goes into about actions, reactions, mental statuses, and nearly everything having to do with the events are, at times, riveting, revelatory, and uncomfortable to read. Columbine doesn't convey a perfect understanding of the tragic events of April 20th, 1999, as a perfect understanding does not exist, but it does convey the best understanding that exists today. Through his hard work and diligence, Dave Cullen has compiled what is, in my opinion, the definitive account of that is, again my opinion, the most significant event of my generation.

Columbine by Dave Cullen: A+, Highly Recommended



The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards: Nomination Special

Hello! Anthony Severe here, picking up the slack for Hunter Red, who is still in a rehabilitation facility in Park City, Utah. The time has come for the process to start for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. The nomination process is now open, and you the reader can participate! Simply submit your winner in any, or all, of the catagories listed below. You can even submit the reason why you think your choice should win. Nominations for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards will close on Monday, December 20th, with the award ceremony scheduled for Monday, December 27th. You can submit your winner to the following places:

Twitter: @Redertainment
Facebook: Send a message to Hunter Red
Email: redertainment@live.com
Or submit a comment or reply wherever you are reading this.

Award Categories
Game Of The Year
Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Playstation 3 Game Of The Year
Nintendo Wii Game Of The Year
Downloadable Game Of The Year
Biggest Gaming Disappointment Of The Year
Best New IP Of The Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award

****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire

FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor

The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."

So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.



Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.

This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.

In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."

In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.

When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."

The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.



Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.

So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?

Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.




Cotaahcoo

One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.

That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.

Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised

Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!

Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.

****- Big Breasted Conservative Wheelchair Thieves

THNWA: Tony Hawk Not Wheelchair Accesable



A long held rumor has it that the next Tony Hawk game will feature a new skateboard peripheral. Many gamers reacted negatively to this rumor, but one segment of the gaming public may have a legitimate gripe. Today a formal protest to this peripheral was made known to the public. Tony Hawk has angered people in wheelchairs.



The American Wheelchair Bound Advocacy Group (AWBAG) has made known their objections to this proposed peripheral. AWBAG spokesman Jimmy Vulmer released the following statement. "A segment of the population of people who play video games is also wheelchair bound. If this peripheral is as integrated to the game as we are being led to believe, how are the wheelchair bound supposed to play it?"

In response Activision Blizzard CEO Robert Kotick said, "Oh shit. We hadn't thought of that. Fuck."

A release date for the Tony Hawk Adrenaline has yet to be announced, but expect a protest to occur on the same day. That is, unless, there is a flight of stairs in the way.


Lara Croft Model Shot By Pathetic Douche



Today, tragedy nearly befell the gaming world with the attempted assassination of Lara Croft. A crazed gunman, identified only as DSMaster25, fired five shots at Lara Croft model Alison Carroll while she was being ogled at by gaming journalists attempting to interview her.

Doug Stanhope, a writer for Larastits.com and witness to the attack, said, "I was lobbing her complex softball questions for the purpose of seeing Lara's chest go up and down, when all of a sudden I heard several shots ring out. I didn't see the assailant, as he was not either of Miss Croft's breasts, but I hope that guy burns in hell. This was my one chance to gizz in my pants in front of the real Lara, instead of a picture of her."

Stranger then Mr. Stanhope's account of the incident, is what DSMaster25 was reportedly saying during the incident. DSMaster25 is reported to have said, "I love you Seth Green." Why DSMaster25 said this is still a mystery. When informed of this, Mr. Green said, "Can you tell me how Miss Carroll's body was deformed? I want to make a sketch of this for Robot Chicken."

Eidos Interactive's CEO Phil Rogers just released a statement about this incident. "First of all, Miss Carroll is fine. She is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery. Secondly, Lara Croft is fine. As Miss Croft is a fictional character, any attack on a person dressed like her will in no way actually affect her. The video games we put Lara in do more to kill her than anything the gaming public can do. By the way, is that on?"

While Mr. Rogers's statement is mostly accurate, one part of his statement is false, namely Miss Carroll's current physical state. While she will be making a complete medical recovery, the part of her body that bore the brunt of the attack is said to be in critical condition. Much effort will be made to save Allison Carroll's breasts, but doctors can only do so much.


Grand Theft Big Wheel: Monkey Bar Wars



The release of Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned saw an uproar over the full frontal male nudity contained therein. While most groups are blasting Rockstar over this game, one group is blasting them over another project they're working on. The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) is criticizing Rockstar over an upcoming kids game.

Rockstar has been looking for some time to expand it's appeal and thereby increase it's market share and total revenues. To that end, Rockstar commissioned the development of Barnyard Adventures. In the game you take care of various barnyard animals in the hopes of winning first place ribbons at the State Fair. That apparently is where Rockstar ran afoul of the FVGAC, again.

FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said in a statement, "This game's blatant portrayal of cocks is simply disgusting. There are white cocks, black cocks, red cocks, even yellow cocks. There are cocks of all sizes in this game. Tall to short, skinny to fat, all kinds of cocks are represented here. It's sickening that this game is being made for children."

When asked about Mr. Flanders's comments, Rockstar Vice President Dan Houser said, "You have to be kidding me. You do realize that he's referring to the portion of the game where you take care of chickens, right? Male chickens who we always, always, refer to as "roosters", not "cocks". The FVGAC has gone into the realm of the absurd on this one."

In response to the response, Mr. Flanders said, "That guy is lying to you. Rockstar is wholly corrupt, you just have to see them through the righteous lens that is conservatism." When asked if that lens causes the world to be distorted in a way that makes nearly everything appear to be corrupt, Ned Flanders punched me in the face.

Rockstar's Barnyard Adventures is expected to be released on the Wii and DS in time for the start of school in the fall.


The Hawk by Hunter Red

Seriously people, read my book. My fragile ego is in desperate need of someone to tell me I'm good. My mom thinks it's good!

July 7 Now Declared 1337 Day

With the start this week of the lame duck session of congress, there has been talk of the people who represent us really getting down to some good substantive work. However on Wednesday that was proven to be false. Signed into law on Friday was US Federal Act 801-359-9696 making July 7th 1337 Day, or Leet Day.

Leet Day is a day set aside to celebrate all things geek. These things include video games, computers, live action role playing, and really hot anime women. Leet Day came to be in much the same way Valentines Day, Love Day, and Halliburton is Awesome Day did, lots of corporate money. This legislation's sponsors, Harry Reed, Orrin Hatch, and Jim Matheson, all recieved huge contributions from such companies as Microsoft, Electronic Arts, and Activision Blizzard. Gamecock did try to contribute to political campaigns, but were rejected because their name contains the word "cock".

As with anything else involving video games, the Christian Right has reacted to this in a rage. Somehow relevant evangelist Pat Robertson said, "First the liberals execute a hostile takeover of Washington, D.C., then they sign this uproarious legislation, what's next? World Satanist Day sponsored by the UN? Complete civil right for Atheists? Agnowledgement that gays exist!?!"


Family Video Game Advisory Corporation spokesman Ned Flanders said, "The Satanist have taken over. I'm going home to protect my family from the upcoming mandatory liberal sponsored child sex bus. Why has God forsaken us?"


And, of course, Jack Thompson had something to say. However, the only people around to take down what he said was his fifteen cats, his long suffering wife, and the one guy left who totally believes everything he says.

Leet Day coming July 7th to be celebrated at the 15,796,784 Gamestop locations across the country, including the nine within driving distance of your parent's basement.

MGS 4: Gimps of the Patriots

On a yearly, quarterly, or monthly basis, corporations make known to the public how much revenue they are making. This is how we know Exxon makes more money than god, that Sirius and XM Satellite Radio are hemorrhaging money, and that the Redertainment Corporation of America is using its revenue to club baby seals. This is also how we know how much adult novelty sites make off the products we use to make each other very, very happy, or very, very ashamed.

One of these sites is Ultimategimpmasks.com. In the previous seven quarters, Ultimategimpmasks.com had lost a total of fifteen million dollars. However, in the last quarter, mostly through sales and ads on the site, this seller of adult sexual aids made 1.27 billion dollars. When asked about why they have made so much money in such a short amount of time, Ultimategimpmasks.com credits this to an uptick in the sales of full body black leather gimp suits with full coverage masks. Although they would not give specifics on their customers, they did say that most of their new customers have interests in video games, snakes, and cigarettes. Based on this information, many people are speculating that Ultimategimpmasks.com's success can be attributed to Metal Gear Solid 4 and Old Snake. Either that, or Hank Azaria.



When reached for comment about this story, Metal Gear Solid 4 producer Hideo Kojima said, "It does not surprise me that this effect has taken place. Many different kinds of people produced and consume my projects, including people who like to get freaky. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remove this painful butt plug."

Metal Gear Solid 4 is not just a gold mine for Ultimategimpmasks.com, but also for the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC), because now they have something new to bitch about. FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said, "This is a clear sign of the persistent perversion that runs through all video games, and all people connected with video games. I call on all people to send all copies of MGS4 to us so that we can send this filth straight to hell. Just don't ask what we actually do with what people send us."

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is expected to continue selling strongly despite the best efforts of the FVGAC. It is also expected to sell even stronger in parts of the country that are extremely sexually repressed. These areas include Provo, Utah, Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Lexington, Virginia.