****- The Cult Of Tony Hawk Versus Phaetons

Red Has Found Religion… Again

In the past, I have asserted my atheistic beliefs when many different arguments arose. These include the existence of ghosts, the source of luck, and the sexual orientation of mountain goats. However, as of April 14th, I can assert my atheistic beliefs no longer. This is because I no longer hold those beliefs. I have discovered a new faith, one which I wholeheartedly believe in. What is this faith? I’ll deal with that question later, but first the reason for my epiphany.

The Church of Scientology teaches us that the source of all religious belief is Phaetons. Phaetons are enemies of the merciless dictator Xenu who were frozen, dropped into volcanoes on Earth, and exploded into minute particles that infect the minds of the humans on Earth. Not all Phaetons were released in the initial explosions. In fact, Phaetons are released every time a volcano erupts, allowing more Phaetons to infect the minds of humans, new religious beliefs emerge. This explains the emergence of The Church Of Latter Day Saints, Lutherans, Protestantism, and The Cult Of Palin.

On April 14th, Mt. Eyjafjallajökull began erupting, releasing huge plumes of volcano ash over the continent of Europe and a small amount of Phaetons worldwide. This resulted in many persons who previously uninfected to become infected with Phaetons. One of them is me. I have accepted a new religion into my life, the Davidcan faith. What is Davidcanism? Glad you asked.

This is David Vaughn Wolf. David is God’s chosen emissary on Earth. David is the one true prophet and he loves us all and aspired to be with us all. David has bestowed upon me the honor of telling the world of his glory, and I am more than willing to do so.

David has bestowed upon me many gifts, and not just the gift of his seed. It was David who said unto me, “Go get me a beer, ginger.” Verily I did get David that beer, and that beer was good, so the great prophet David said unto me. David had done many great things in this world. David is the one who cured cancer. David is the one who discovered Delaware. David is the one who created the Swiffer. Finally, David is the one who has won the World Wrestling Entertainment Title an unprecedented twenty-five times.

David Vaughn Wolf’s glory and majesty is unquestionable, and yet people persist is questioning the unquestionable. Such questioning of the unquestionable glory and majesty of the one unquestionable true prophet David Vaughn Wolf ceases upon meeting the one unquestionable true prophet, like I have unquestionable have. Soon a mechanism will be established for you to question the one unquestionable true prophet, just as soon as we pay the guy who’s making our website.

Soon all people will be able to bathe in the glory that is David Vaughn Wolf just as I have, and also bathe in his seed. For it is not until David truly becomes a part of your very being that you truly feels what it’s like to be whole, to be fulfilled, and to have wholly fulfillment.

David be with you.



Red Joins Another Cult

So I bought an iPad on Thursday. I'm going to try out type out my blog for next week on my iPad and see if it'll work well. Who knows, I might start working Project Carole on my new toy. That or watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy on it.




TGAPBTGEA?

This week some massive banking revenue amounts were revealed. Goldman Sachs was revealed to have made $3.46 Billion in just the first quarter of 2010 alone. Wells Fargo was revealed to have made $2.5 Billion in the first quarter of 2010. There has been much knashing, wailing, bitching, and moaning about this news. One person said of this story, "They made that much money? How can we get a piece of that action?". That person was the President of Activision, Bobby Kotick.

In the wake of the news involving Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo, The Great Empire Of Activision has been positioning itself to enter the banking industry. The legality of such a move is in question, but The Great Empire Of Activision is an American corporation, and laws are an irrelevant concept to American corporations. In a secret memo unearthed by the people at Unearthingsecretmemos.com, Bobby Kotick is quoted as saying, "The massive revenues of Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo are an affront to The Great Empire Of Activision. Such an affront must be stopped and The Great Empire Of Activisionis the only entity in a position to do so in an expedient fashion. The Great Empire Of Activision will crush Goldman Sachs and Wells Fargo with great vengeance and furious anger! Quote the Koteck, nevermore!"

The Great and All Powerful Bank of The Great Empire Of Activision is expected to be formally established in the first quarter of 2012, in time with the release of Starcraft 2. This bank is expected to offer direct deposit, check cards with your WoW character on them,the ability to buy Guitar Hero tracks with money from your checking account, and home forecloseures performed by Tony Hawk.

****- Big Breasted Conservative Wheelchair Thieves

THNWA: Tony Hawk Not Wheelchair Accesable



A long held rumor has it that the next Tony Hawk game will feature a new skateboard peripheral. Many gamers reacted negatively to this rumor, but one segment of the gaming public may have a legitimate gripe. Today a formal protest to this peripheral was made known to the public. Tony Hawk has angered people in wheelchairs.



The American Wheelchair Bound Advocacy Group (AWBAG) has made known their objections to this proposed peripheral. AWBAG spokesman Jimmy Vulmer released the following statement. "A segment of the population of people who play video games is also wheelchair bound. If this peripheral is as integrated to the game as we are being led to believe, how are the wheelchair bound supposed to play it?"

In response Activision Blizzard CEO Robert Kotick said, "Oh shit. We hadn't thought of that. Fuck."

A release date for the Tony Hawk Adrenaline has yet to be announced, but expect a protest to occur on the same day. That is, unless, there is a flight of stairs in the way.


Lara Croft Model Shot By Pathetic Douche



Today, tragedy nearly befell the gaming world with the attempted assassination of Lara Croft. A crazed gunman, identified only as DSMaster25, fired five shots at Lara Croft model Alison Carroll while she was being ogled at by gaming journalists attempting to interview her.

Doug Stanhope, a writer for Larastits.com and witness to the attack, said, "I was lobbing her complex softball questions for the purpose of seeing Lara's chest go up and down, when all of a sudden I heard several shots ring out. I didn't see the assailant, as he was not either of Miss Croft's breasts, but I hope that guy burns in hell. This was my one chance to gizz in my pants in front of the real Lara, instead of a picture of her."

Stranger then Mr. Stanhope's account of the incident, is what DSMaster25 was reportedly saying during the incident. DSMaster25 is reported to have said, "I love you Seth Green." Why DSMaster25 said this is still a mystery. When informed of this, Mr. Green said, "Can you tell me how Miss Carroll's body was deformed? I want to make a sketch of this for Robot Chicken."

Eidos Interactive's CEO Phil Rogers just released a statement about this incident. "First of all, Miss Carroll is fine. She is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery. Secondly, Lara Croft is fine. As Miss Croft is a fictional character, any attack on a person dressed like her will in no way actually affect her. The video games we put Lara in do more to kill her than anything the gaming public can do. By the way, is that on?"

While Mr. Rogers's statement is mostly accurate, one part of his statement is false, namely Miss Carroll's current physical state. While she will be making a complete medical recovery, the part of her body that bore the brunt of the attack is said to be in critical condition. Much effort will be made to save Allison Carroll's breasts, but doctors can only do so much.


Grand Theft Big Wheel: Monkey Bar Wars



The release of Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned saw an uproar over the full frontal male nudity contained therein. While most groups are blasting Rockstar over this game, one group is blasting them over another project they're working on. The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) is criticizing Rockstar over an upcoming kids game.

Rockstar has been looking for some time to expand it's appeal and thereby increase it's market share and total revenues. To that end, Rockstar commissioned the development of Barnyard Adventures. In the game you take care of various barnyard animals in the hopes of winning first place ribbons at the State Fair. That apparently is where Rockstar ran afoul of the FVGAC, again.

FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said in a statement, "This game's blatant portrayal of cocks is simply disgusting. There are white cocks, black cocks, red cocks, even yellow cocks. There are cocks of all sizes in this game. Tall to short, skinny to fat, all kinds of cocks are represented here. It's sickening that this game is being made for children."

When asked about Mr. Flanders's comments, Rockstar Vice President Dan Houser said, "You have to be kidding me. You do realize that he's referring to the portion of the game where you take care of chickens, right? Male chickens who we always, always, refer to as "roosters", not "cocks". The FVGAC has gone into the realm of the absurd on this one."

In response to the response, Mr. Flanders said, "That guy is lying to you. Rockstar is wholly corrupt, you just have to see them through the righteous lens that is conservatism." When asked if that lens causes the world to be distorted in a way that makes nearly everything appear to be corrupt, Ned Flanders punched me in the face.

Rockstar's Barnyard Adventures is expected to be released on the Wii and DS in time for the start of school in the fall.


The Hawk by Hunter Red

Seriously people, read my book. My fragile ego is in desperate need of someone to tell me I'm good. My mom thinks it's good!