Grim And Disturbing Whirring Females

Hunter Red Is Not Nice


Hunter Red is on a flight headed from Salt Lake International Airport to Las Vegas, NV. The flight has yet to take off and Hunter is in his seat listening to the new Lupe Fiasco album. An older woman, Charity Harvey, takes the seat next to Hunter. She is fidgeting with her jewelry, looking around sharply, and doing other things people to when they are nervous. Then she begins to speak.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. Oh god no. It's going to happen. I know it. It is.

Hunter is actively trying to ignore Charity as she continues.

Charity Harvey- I saw them. Those men with the beards and the- the- what do they call those things?

Hunter is still ignoring Charity but can hear her babbling.

Charity Harvey- Oh god. I knew I should have taken a bus. I can't take a train, thank you very much Amtrak, but I should have taken a bus. I just know. I just know.

Finally, Hunter stops ignoring Charity.

Hunter Red- What do you know?
Charity Harvey- Don't tell me you don't know.
Hunter Red- Know what?
Charity Harvey- Don't you have that seep feeling in your bosom.
Hunter Red- I don't have a bosom.
Charity Harvey- We're going down.

Hunter gets an odd look on his face.

Hunter Red- On eachother?
Charity Harvey- No. God, I knew this was the day. I knew this was the day those darn Muslims were going to get me.
Hunter Red- Wait, do you think terrorist are going to hijack this plane and drive it into something?
Charity Harvey- SHHHHH! They're going to hear you!

Hunter gets a devilish grim on his face.

Hunter Red- Miss, what is your name?
Charity Harvey- Charity.
Hunter Red- Charity, my name is Hunter.
Charity Harvey- Hi.
Hunter Red- Charity, I can assure you, this plane is not going to be hijacked.
Charity Harvey- Are you sure?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Charity Harvey- How can you say that?
Hunter Red- Charity, if any terrorist was going to use a plane from Salt Lake to commit a terrorist act, they wouldn't take off from the International Airport. They'd take off from Airport #2.

Charity is not comforted by Hunter saying this. The look on her face reflects that.

Hunter Red- Any good terrorist would get one of those Cessna aircrafts, construct a fertilizer bomb like the one Timothy McVey used in Oklahoma City, take off from Airport #2, and fly their plane bomb right over the Oquirrih Mountains, and right into the Tooele Army Depot. That way they not only can bomb a military instillation, but they can cause a massive release of the chemical and biological weapons that are stored there. That release would waft over the Oquirrih Mountains, right into the major population center that is the Salt Lake Valley.

Charity has turned bone white. When Hunter finishes his morbid tale, Charity reacts like this:

Charity Harvey- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Charity launches into a full blown panic. She continues to scream and babble incoherently at a high volume of speech. The only way that Hunter reacts to this is to pull out the Skymall Catalogue, leaf through it, and say:

Hunter Red- Oh look, automated orange peelers. Neat.


END SCENE







The UAE Strikes Again

From a Facebook post on the website of major video game retailer Geekay Games, it is believed that the recently released Rockstar Games sensation L.A. Noire has been banned in the United Arab Emirates. No formal reaction has been given by Rockstar Games, but, through our contacts in the Saudi royal family, this publication has been able to get a statement on the ban from the UAE's National Media Council, the governmental agency responsible for the ban.

"The reason that this agency chose to ban Rockstar Games's L.A. Noire is the very same reason why we chose to ban Quantic Dreams's Heavy Rain last year(Link to blog post). L.A. Noire features women, depicted in ways that makes them appear to be very much human, with fully formed human brains and human intellects. This kind of flagrantly realistic depiction of the obviously weaker sex runs in conflict with our interpretations of the teaching of the Quran. This ban is not permanent. Rockstar Games does have the right to alter it's game in a way that conforms to our standards. That, or they can bribe me."

Inquiries to Rockstar Games for a statement for this article have gone unanswered as of press time.

****- Three Religious Experiences While Wanking To Heavy Rain

The Plan Of Nintendo Rumble Salvation

Rumors have been flying recently about Nintendo’s plans for a possible DS 2. After digging around in a 2005 patent filing, a diagram has been found that could possibly be a schematic for a rumble system for a handheld console.

Now this diagram may be too complicated for people with limited knowledge of electronics and the trade of electrical engineering. So, after asking several electricians for a more approachable way to explain this, the following diagram has been produced.


Apparently the whole rumbling system begins even before the player plays a game. However, due to a “Veil of Failness”, not much is known for certain about this aspect of this rumbling process. When the player starts to play the game the player must meet a certain number of parameters to achieve even a small level of rumbling glory. All can achieve rumbling glory, but only a select few can achieve the full glory that is Perfect Rumbling.

After several more steps, including the possibility of being saved after the character you portray unfortunately dies, there are three levels of rumbling glory that can be attained. The first is the previously mentioned Perfect Rumbling, which is hard to achieve and may never be realized by most gamers. The second is Acceptable Rumbling, which is all right, but given the awesomeness of Perfect Rumbling, Acceptable Rumbling is barely acceptable. The final is Fail Rumbling, which feels like nothing more than a slight tapping and actually makes more noise than movement. Fail Rumbling is reserved for the worst of the worst, the baddest of the bad, the most failtastic of the fail. You’d have to be a pretty fucked up player to achieve Fail Rumbling.

As a Nintendo DS 2 has yet to be announced or even acknowledged by Nintendo, it is unknown where, when, and how this new rumbling system will be implemented. It is also unknown if the rumbling system mentioned in this story will actually be like this when gamers encounter it. I guess we’ll just see whose system of lemming like belief is correct.



Dear God Why?





Another Reason To Avoid UAE, other than the whole being a searing desert thing.

On February 22nd, the United Arab Emirates banned the importation and sale of the PS3 title Heavy Rain. In a statement on this ban, UAE Culture and Communications Minister Farooq Aziz said the following:

“The reason the Culture and Communications Ministry has banned the video game Heavy Rain is not the fully nude woman you can view at about three hours in. Nor is it the naked man ass you can view at about ten minutes in. Nor is it that you can make the playable characters urinate on a frequent basis. The CACM banned Heavy Rain because of Quantic Dream’s flagrant and grotesque depiction of women as humans.

“The United Arab Emirates hardline interpretation of the holy Qur’an dictates that we treat all females as objects with no more rights and privileges than a fern. The UAE CACM also insists that all media that is imported conforms to our interpretation of the Islamic faith, the one and only true faith as revealed to the prophet Mohammed, praise be unto him.

“Quantic Dream’s depiction of its female characters with realistic emotions and realistic drives and desires offends us deeply as it runs in conflict with our preferred depiction of women. That being emotionless vessels for our male heirs and unworthy female subjects. Untill Quantic Dream conforms to that standard, Heavy Rain will not be permitted in our country. That, or until they bribe me.”
In other news, the state of Utah has also banned Heavy Rain for similar reasons as the United Arab Emirates.




DOA: Wanking Cancelled?

Dead or Alive Paradise Isn't "Softcore Porn," Director Says

On Friday, Dead or Alive Paradise director Yoshinori Ueda stated that his upcoming game is not softcore porn. As a result, ,many pre-orders for this game on Amazon.com have been cancelled, resulting in the game moving from 14th most popular to 2,456,744th.



Heavy Rain First Impressions

I bought Heavy Rain on the day it was released. The first thing I needed to do upon putting Heavy Rain into my PS3 and starting it up was to download an update. If this was a 360 game and I was dealing with Live, this process would have taken just a couple of minutes. Unfortunately this was a PS3 game and I was dealing with PSN.

The first time I tried to download this update the download started but stopped and didn’t get started again for seemingly no reason at all. The second time it stalled before even starting the download for, again, seemingly no reason at all. The third time the download started and kept on going, but the speed at which it was downloading was unacceptable. I was able to watch an entire episode of The Dish in the time it took to download the update.

Once the update was downloaded the next thing to do was install Heavy Rain to the PS3’s hard drive. Unlike other games where they give you a progress bar or Old Snake to look at, Heavy Rain actually gives you something to do.

Included in the package with Heavy Rain is this square piece of paper. During the installation process, you are given instructions on how to turn this piece of paper into this.

By the time you are finished crafting this piece of origami, the installation should be complete.

This whole process, infuriating at first and somewhat rewarding at the end, took about an hour. An hour I could have spent playing the game. Let’s just hope the actual playing of Heavy Rain offers more rewards than just a paper artform to put next to my Modern Warfare 2 night vision goggles.



Shawn

I remember happier times with my dad. In the backyard playing helicopter and airplane with him and my brother. Watching him draw buildings that people could live and play in. Even him comforting me as I mourned the loss of my pet bird are things that I look back on fondly now.

After the accident that took my brother away, my dad never seemingly got up. He looks depressed, isn’t maintaining himself the way he used to, and even walks around like he doesn’t quite have a handle on how to do so fluidly. He doesn’t even eat well, not that the microwaved chicken is anything to salivate over.

I know he means well, I can see the remorse for his failings in his eyes as he tucks me in at night. Perhaps one day he will pick himself up and find a way out of this perpetual downpour. At least then he might shave off that short scruffily beard he’s grown.




Heavy Rain Second Impressions

Video games tend to follow a similar basic structure: Level, level, boss, level, level, bigger boss, level, level, bigger boss, level, boss, bigger boss, final boss. Nearly every video game does this. Mario, Metroid, Mega Man, Zelda, Metal Gear, Final Fantasy, World of Warcraft, and on and on and on.

Before its release, Heavy Rain was talked about not being a video game. I don’t know why this is because Heavy Rain follows basic video game structure, it’s just presented differently. Inner monologue, dialog between characters, fight scene, discovery of a plot point, discussion of the plot point, fight scene, character development, plot development, fight scene.

I’m not saying that this is a bad thing. This kind of basic video game structure can produce a challenging and compelling video game experience, if it is done well. Heavy Rain appears to be utilizing this structure very well, so far…