****- Kaput Christmas Puppy Alcohol

Another Perm Goes Bad

Early in the morning of December 5th, a fire broke out at a nightclub in Perm, Russia, taking the lives of 112 people. Officials blame this fire on a fireworks display set off during a performance shot into the decorative twig ceiling of the Lame Horse club.

When reached for comment on this story, Great White lead vocalist Jack Russell said, “Why the fuck did you contact me about this story?”



(Insert Obvious Joke Here)

This week over two hundred tons of meat were recalled by Meat Packers Inc. over concerns about the meat being tainted with salmonella. This follows a similar move last month by Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers Inc. recalled approximately two hundred tons of Fudge Packers brand fudge over concerns about the packages of Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly.

In a statement, Fudge Packers Inc. President Chester Hardbody, pictured above, said, “For a long time we’ve been concerned about the possibility of our Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly. Now our concerns have come to a head. We apologize profusely to anyone who consumed our Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers brand fudge.”



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A Grinch's Gift Guide

This is an article that went up on Yahoo on December 1st. Almost instantly thereafter video game nerds started to complain about this article. Reactions were generally “PS3 Hater!”, “This guy is clearly an Xbox Fanbitch”, and other statements that gave the impression that conveyed they thought they were being persecuted. However, none of the reactions dealt with the actual point the writer was trying to make.

If the gamers had bothered to read PAST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH they would have seen the writer was complaining about exorbitant repair bills. Anne Kadet points out that, unlike the Xbox 360 and Wii, if the rechargeable battery in the Playstation 3 controller goes kaput you can’t just replace the battery, you have to replace the entire controller. What Anne brings up is a valid point and one that would have gotten through to gamers if they had bothered to read the ENTIRE ARTICLE!

I will, however, disagree with Miss Kadet that the PS3 has the most exorbitant repair bills. Yes, replacing the entire controller on the PS3 if the battery goes kaput is a pain, but I venture to guess the average 360 consumer has experienced the Red Rings Of Death more than the average PS3 owner has had to replace the controller. For me it’s one to zero.




Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album Review

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a show on Cartoon Network that makes absolutely no sense… unless you are high, and even then it makes no sense. So I felt it appropriate to do two reviews of the new ATHF Christmas CD, one while sober and one while high. Here we go.

Sober Review

Okay, this sucks. Even as a joke Christmas CD this sucks. The Christmas CD that Stephen Colbert put out last year, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!!!, is vastly superior than this. Hell, I’d rather listen to those tone-deaf Mormon kids butcher holiday classics than listen to this again. At least with the kids I can get a reaction to my calls for Freebird.

High Review

What the hell! I though pot was supposed to make everything good. I mean that’s what it did with Leprechaun 2, that damn Steven Segal CD, Extraordinary Chickens, and all the other shit Conan O’Brien’s been plugging lately. This Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album still sucks. I’m not even finding Carl’s really blatant masturbation jokes funny and that’s one of my favorite things to do while high.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force- Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas: D-



Red Taunts

This Monday, December 14th, is projected to be the highest volume day of the year for the United States Postal Service. Over 184.5 Million (estimated) pieces of mail are expected to be handled by the post office on this day alone. Postal employees working on this day can expect at minimum a ten hour day that is frantic, pressured, and demanding to say the least. And, for the third year in a row, I will not be participating in this day.

This is because, as a career employee at the United States Postal Service, I get guaranteed weekends off and Mondays, including Monday December 14th, are a part of my weekend. This means on the single busiest day my employee experiences each year I will be doing what I usually do on Mondays, getting tanked and watching wrestling.

I love my job. Also, submissions for the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are due on Tuesday. Submit who you think should win in any of the following catagories.
Game of the Year
360 Game of the Year
PS3 Game of the Year
Wii Game of the Year
Downloadable Game of the Year
Gaming Disappointment of the Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving of an Award

Do it or I will kill this puppy.

****-Astrology Versus USPS

Astrology For Gamers


Aries (March 21-April 19)
After emerging from a high level dungeon, you will find yourself with low health. You will give a member of your party a dose of Phoenix Down and trust that he will know what to do with it. You will die. The person you trusted the Phoenix Down to will have no idea what you just gave him. You will remain dead.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In an attempt to be like Faith from Mirror's Edge, you will attempt to jump from the roof of a building, catch a pole on an adjacent building, jump to a nearby pole, vault to the roof of the building, jump on a zip line and ride it to a soft landing on top of a building across town. You will succeed in doing all this. After doing this, you will absentmindedly walk off the edge of the building you just expended much effort to get to. You will die.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will believe a turtle is throwing hammers at you. You will utterly obliterate the turtle and, shortly thereafter, get arrested and thrown in jail. In jail you will meet a skinhead named Dwayne. You will die.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Because your life sucks, you will attempt to hit the Reset button. There is no button to be found. You will then attempt to turn off the power. In order to do this, you will enter a high security nuclear power station. You will die.


Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You will realize that you share an astrological sign with this annoying little ginger kid who thinks he writes a funny satirical blog. You will die.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Taking a cue from Ace Combat 6, you will steal a plane and start flying around aimlessly in the skies over a major metropolitan city. You will frighten people. They will call the authorities. A F-16 fighter jet will start trailing you. You will attempt to shoot down the F-16 with a missile, which you do not have. You will die.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You enter a mansion that is rumored to be the home of Dracula armed only with your wits and a whip. Upon jumping the mansion's fence, you will find the grounds are patrolled by a dozen rottweilers. You will die.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
After a particularly aggravating session of gaming, you will take some time to relax. You will find a calm, peaceful and quiet park. You will sit cross legged in the grass. You will breath deeply. All of the anger, the stress, the tension, all of the negativity will leave your body. Your hear rate will go down. Liking the effects of this, you will continue this relaxation exercise. Your heart rate will continue to go down. Eventually, you will die.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
In an effort to save your master form a violent street gang, you will enter the sewers wherein you will encounter some giant mutant rats. With only a katana sword and the occasional pizza slice at your disposal, you will fight and survive the arduous challenge that is the sewers and climb out the other side. Upon seeing daylight at the other side, you will encounter a giant mechanized rolling machine. You will die.


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will take a job as a construction foreman. You will employ a unique construction style: dropping oblong pieces of material from great heights. One day, as you are standing on the ground, a strong breeze will catch one of the pieces. You will die.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Like a character form many 8-Bit video games, you will attempt to kill yourself by jumping into water. You do not die. You will then attempt to kill yourself by jumping into a pit. You do not die, but you are badly injured. You will attempt to heal yourself by eating a magic mushroom. You will die.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You will anger two black men. One is Chris Rock. You will anger him by ripping off one of his comedy bits, which can be found on track seven of his "Bigger and Blacker" CD. The other is Derrick Hopkins. You will anger him by repeatedly saying the name of the game his working on "You will die". Chris and Derrick will team up to take retribution on you. You will die.

Please remember that all of these reading are meant for entertainment purposes only. If you take any of these astrological reading seriously, you will die.


DOJ Vs. USPS


Recently a controversial decision came down in the legal system in Sweden. A Swedish court levyed a heavy fine and jail time against Peter Sunde, Gottfrid Svartholm Warg, Fredrik Neij and Carl Lundstrom, owner/creators of the bittorent site The Pirate Bay. The court essentially ruled that because The Pirate Bay acted as a conduit between people who wanted to engage in activity that often breaks copyright laws, they themselves were guilty of breaking copyright laws. Based on the legal precedent that this sets, the US Department of Justice has decided to pursue a case against a shocking target, the United States Postal Service.



In December 2005, Brian Bolland, known online as Joker88, asked Steve Dillon, known as Preacher96, to send him a copy of Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Rather than using the common method of copying the CD to his computer and sending it through e-mail, Mr. Dillon burned a copy of Master of Puppets to a CD, stuck some stamps on it, and mailed the burned CD to Mr. Bolland. Not long after this took place, the RIAA sued Dillon and Bolland for copyright infringement and reached an out of court settlement of $216,452,331.

After strong urging from RIAA head legal counsel Stanford Pliers, the Department of Justice decided to go after the United States Postal Service for acting as a conduit in this transaction, thereby breaking copyright laws, based on precedents established in The Pirate Bay case. Mr. Pliers released the following statement in reaction to this: "We got you mother fuckers by the balls now!"

Postmaster General John Potter had this to say, "Oh no. Oh please God no. First we're bleeding money. Then the reputation of our quality of service plummets. Not this. Where's my Magnum?"

Lead prosecutor in this case Flemming Rasmussen had this to say, "It is quite unfortunate that we have to take this action against a fellow government entity, but we all are duty bound to defend the law, no matter the consequences. Unless some action is taken by the Swedish courts that effect this clear legal precedent, we are prepared to go forward with this action as quickly as is the norm for DOJ, by February 2017."

In addition to this, other recently announced legal actions are expected to use the so called "Pirate Bay Precedent". This includes Canada Vs. Google for allowing people to search for child pornography, Mexico against Yahoo for allowing people to search for locations where they can witness pig/human copulation, and the State of Utah against Hotmail for allowing Redertainment to send a message to TheNintendoTheory telling him where he could score some potent weed.

****- Resident Evil 5 Review

Part 1- Sheva

One of the classes I took in college was Fundamentals Of Business. One of the assignments I did for the class was a group project. I did this project with a person named Denis. I say I did this with Denis because when I turned it in, it was credited as being by Hunter and Denis.

Let me be clear, I did the group project. I did the research, the writing, word processing, printing, visual aids, everything. All Denis did was tell jokes and hit on the library assistant. Denis in no way helped with the project, and when I informed the instructor of this, his grade reflected it, as well it should have.

Ever since then I've had a severe problem with anyone I work with who does not pull their weight. Group projects, my job, yard work, podcasting, video games, whatever. This is why I hate Sheva.



How the fuck can this woman not know the difference between an enemy and my shoulder? Why the fuck does she wander off during a level and get herself blown the fuck up? Why does she hold strongly to a weak ass handgun when she's got a fucking boomstick at her disposal? Why the fuck does she waste badly needed health items? Why? Why? Why?

There are times when I was playing this game when I owuld start muttering the lyrics to this song.



If only Sheva had a brain.


Part 2- Story



As has been well documented, one of my favorite games is Metal Gear Solid 4. One of my favorite aspects of that game is the story. The story in MGS4 is smart, compelling and expertly crafted. The story in MGS4 stands as a testament to good narrative in video games.

The different levels in MGS4 help to pull off this narrative. These levels, while being in different locations, are similar in a way that meshes greatly with the story while not being repetitive. The levels in Metal Gear Solid 4 are so great, I would like to play them individually in the future.

The cohesiveness in the levels in Resident Evil 5 are as nearly opposite to the cohesiveness in the levels in MGS4 as they can be. You go from a worn down city to a lake with primitive villages surrounding it to a labyrinthine tomb to an advanced scientific laboratory to a state of the art oil tanker to an active volcano. The absurd variance in the locations of the levels in RE5 can only be tied together by way of an illogical and highly unbelievable story, which is exactly what Capcom has delivered. As a developing writer, the story in Resident Evil 5 has taught me an important lesson: What not to do.

The bottom line is if you want an example of good story telling in video games, look at Metal Gear Solid 4. If you want an example of abysmal story telling, look at Resident Evil 5.


Part 3- Enemies



In August of 2002, I began working for the United States Postal Service. One of the things that every USPS employee receives is free psychological care. This is a perk that I have utilized.

Among the first things we discussed was my long time fear of dogs. After several deep probing discussions, my doctor diagnosed me as suffering from cynophobia, the psychological term for fear of dogs. Despite medication and aversion therapy, I still suffer from this condition.

This fear has altered the way I perceive the enemies in Resident Evil 5. There are gigantic tentacled monsters, men carrying guns the size of a truck, canvas bag wearing psychopaths wielding chainsaws, and even a Kraken. To me, the emotional reaction I had to those enemies is nothing compared to how frightened I was every time I saw a dog in RE5. The following is something I actually said while playing RE5.

"Aaaaah! You god damn mother fucking bitch! Taste my boomstick! Blam! Blam! Blam! Had enough? Blam!"

The biggest waste of ammo I experienced in this game was me burying round after round into already dead canines. I have an appointment with my psychologist to discuss this on Monday.


Part 4- Quick Time Events

I hate quick time events. Press X to continue reading this review.



Now press B to proceed.



Press R1+L1 or I'll kill you!



Now punch this picture of Denis Leary or I'll really kill you!



Too late, you lose!



Just kidding, why would I subject you to that shit? Now press Я to continue.




Part 5- Multiplayer

Oh wait, I can't review multiplayer. This is not because it's good or bad, I simply didn't play it. I didn't even do the co-op main story experience that would have saved me from the empty headedness that is Sheva.

Why can't I review the multiplayer? I played Resident Evil 5 on the PS3, and trying to play games over PSN is like trying to verbally communicate with someone who is nearly deaf. Not impossible, but there are better ways to do it.

Remember when EA had a pissing match with Microsoft over not being able to host their own servers so they pulled out of Live? Publishers should take a similar stance with Sony over PSN. Improve or we walk.


Part 6- The Final Part... Unless I Write Another

Based on everything that proceeded this, you would thing that I would be entirely negative about Resident Evil 5. That is not the case. If this game did not have anything positive about it, I would not have finished it. After all, I'm not getting paid for this shit, I play games for leisure, and I don't want to spend my leisure time doing things I hate.

There are several good things about RE5. In my time playing it, the game never crashed on me. I never got stuck in a level with no means to escape. Also, the game was challenging without being infuriatingly frustrating. It was frustrating at times, but that was until I took a deep breath, calmed down, and figured out that I was stupidly bull rushing into things.

However, this game has clear and evident problems. One of them is Sheva, who's stupidity persists from the first level to the final battle. Sheva is of minuscule help in RE5 and serves mostly as a mobile way of carrying nine extra item slots. I preferred the attache case in Resident Evil 4. Yes, I had to pause every time I switched weapons, but at least I gained a higher capacity as the game went on.

The story in RE5 is weak and poorly delivered. I know that not a lot of games have great stories, but that's not an excuse. Just because no one else is doing the job well is not an excuse to do job poorly. In fact, it serves as an opportunity to do the job excellently.

Overall, Resident Evil 5 isn't bad, it's just not that good. RE5 is about average to fractionally below average. However, this game would be greatly improved if only Sheva had a brain.

Resident Evil 5: C-