Hell Message Aficionado

Marcus- Hell Oh Well Review

Hunter Red is sitting in his office at The Redertainment Corporation Of America. He is busily writing something at his desk, occasionally snickering as he does so. Hunter occasionally ponders as he writes, then gets back to creating and snickering. Finally, Hunter finishes what he's writing and says-

"End Scene. There it is. The most spectacular piece of satire I've ever written. It has all the perfect elements. Absurdity, fucked up shit, a Republican getting beaten like a pinata, this is it. This is as perfect as I can get."

The chime of Twitter being updated is heard coming from Hunter's computer.

"Oh look, Marcus has released a comedy CD on iTunes. I remember seeing the taping of his comedy special in May. That was a fucking awesome show. I think I'll buy his CD. I'll download it and listen to it now."

Roughly an hour and a half later, depending on internet speeds, Hunter finishes listening to Marcus' Hell Oh Well.

"Man. I feel suddenly inadequate."

Hunter then opens one of the drawers of his desk, pulls out a full bottle of vodka, puts it on his desk, and says-

"Oh vodka. It's a shame I won't be drinking you."

Hunter gets up form this desk, walks over to where his garbage can is, picks it up, walks over to the window, opens the window, and tosses the contents of his garbage can out the window. Hunter then places the garbage can in the center of his office, and grabs the vodka bottle and the satirical piece he just wrote off his desk. Hunter puts the satirical piece in the garbage can, empties the contents of the vodka bottle into the can, starts fishing around in his pockets, and produces a book of matches.

Hunter holds the matchbook aloft, marveling at the logo form the bar long since closed. Hunter goes through the process of striking a single match, sets the entire matchbook on fire, damn near burns himself, then drops the matchbook into the garbage can.

The garbage can erupts in flames. Awesome flames.

"Wow! That fire is cool. Not as cool as Marcus' CD, but still cool."

An alarm sounds and the sprinklers in Hunter's office go off, putting out the fire and soaking Hunter to the bone.

"That was not cool."


END SCENE

Marcus- Hell Oh Well: A-

Link to iTunes Page



My Mom, Porn Aficionado

Recently, driven by her appearance on ABC's Dancing With The Stars, rumors have been circulating about a sex tape starring actress Jennifer Grey. Stories about this sex tape paint it as a scandalous matter, the kind that fills every celebrity gossip rag in print today. However, I question whether or not this is a scandal. A Jennifer Grey sex tape has been in wide circulation for years. In fact, my mom owns a copy of this sex tape. It is one that she watches frequently, and is not ashamed to tell her family, friends, and random strangers, that she not only watches it, she likes it. I remember several occasions where I, as a child, was made by my mother to watch the Jennifer Grey sex tape. I did not like the Jennifer Grey sex tape then, and still don't today. My fiance has viewed the Jennifer Grey sex tape and, while she doesn't like it as much as my mother does, she does have a certain affinity for it. Maybe it's a girl thing.




Anita Apology

The following is a transcript of a telephone conversation held between the two men pictured above, PrideUtah founder Eric Ethington and LDS General Authority Boyd K. Packer. This conversation, held on Thursday October 21st, 2010, is in response to protests organized by Eric Ethington over Boyd K. Packer's controversial comments at the most recent LDS Church General Conference.

Ring Ring Ring

Eric- Hello?
Boyd- Hello, is this Eric Etherington?
Eric- Actually, it's Ethington.
Boyd- Ah, it's good to talk to you Mr. Etherington. This is Boyd Packer speaking. I'm calling you in reference to a story I read recently.
Eric- The one where I criticize you over the comments you made at General Conference?
Boyd- No, the story that broke on Wednesday involving Mrs. Thomas and Miss Hill.
Eric- The one where Virginia Thomas asked for an apology from Anita Hill for the sexual harassment allegations she levied against her husband, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Boyd- Exactly. Well, I'm calling you today to ask you to do something for me.
Eric- What is that?
Boyd- I would like you to apologize to me.
Eric- For what?
Boyd- For existing.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Excuse me?
Boyd- Did you not hear me clearly? I'm not quite used to these newfangled telephonic machines. Do I need to repeat myself?
Eric- No, no, I heard you, I just can't believe what I just heard.
Boyd- What do you mean?
Eric- You want me
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- Eric Ethington
Boyd- Etherington.
Eric- to apologize
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- to you
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- for existing?
Boyd- Yes.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Is this a joke?
Boyd- I don't follow.
Eric- This has got to be a joke. Not only is it absurd for you to be calling me, but it is completely absurd that you just asked me to apologize for existing.
Boyd- No, this isn't a joke. I am calling you to apologize to me for existing as a homosexual, non-faithful, liberal, with long hair.
Eric- No, this has got to be a joke.
Boyd- What makes you think this is a joke? Why would anyone pull a joke like this?
Eric- To fuck with me.

At this point the phone conversation abruptly ends.

END TRANSCRIPT



You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah at 7PM. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar

Team Subwoofer

Can It Not Be Both?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Parent Company Trap
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Are You Kidding Me?

TOTALLY SUBTLE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT

Let me get this straight, I say I'm getting married, something that comes out of left field and not in keeping with previous behavior, and people react to it openly, but I say that I've got a book coming out, which I've done before and will probably do again, on the SAME DATE and no one cares? It makes me wonder what else I can say that is totally ridiculous but will get a reaction from you people.

I've been cheating on Robin with this giant fish. Her name is Wanda. Please don't tell my future wife.

This is my son Spike. He is the secret love child I had with Gloria Vanderbilt. It would be totally scandalous if my future wife or my current fish mistress was told of this secret love child.

I am a Martian, a person from the planet Mars. I come in peace, and also in your women and fish. Please don't tell my secret black love child, my future wife, or my current fish mistress about my true place of birth.

I could go on for hours like this, but I have TV to watch. So, let me just make this final statement.

I am the Joker. Now, who wants to see a magic trick?



Occam's Razor

Link to The Rail story

The story linked above is about people living around a Salt Lake City concert venue complaining about the noise that they believe is coming form the venue. This story quotes Salt Lake resident Carol McCracken as saying, "What we hear is the thumping base, sometimes it's loud enough where you can hear cymbals, crowd noise, the vocals." However, police have reported that ambient noise is not an issue at this venue and owners of The Rail have even said that they have gone to great lengths to reduce the noise that can escape from their venue. Yet the residents can still hear the noise. What can explain this? I believe I might have an explanation.

Cars with subwoofers installed into them are common in the Salt Lake area. My boyfriend-in-law has one, my cousin has one, several of my friends have them. These audio setups can result in noise coming from the cars that violate residential noise ordinances. I remember a friend of mine being pulled over once for just such a violation. These car audio setups can emit thumping base, loud vocals, and crown noise if one is listening to a song with crowd noise in the song. This may explain the noise the residents around The Rail are hearing. If a person, or a group of people, drove through the neighborhoods in question with their in-car subwoofers on and turned up, the residents may have heard the noises they are describing and mistook it for noise from the venue.

So, what can be done about this problem? What can the residents around The Rail do about the noise that is disturbing them? Is there anything the SLCPD can do? The owners of The Rail? Individual residents? Hey look, a kittie!




Rihanna For Birth Control

Introducing a new option for birth control. Plan C, or Ella, for when your man doesn't wear his umbrella-ella-ella-ella.

Why I Went To Portland Last Week

Last week I went to Portland, Oregon. Why? The following scene may explain.

The In-Laws Find Out


Robin Anderson is sitting in her office, typing up her latest article about the Utah pornography scene, when Liz calls to her from the general office area.

Liz- Robin, your father is on line one.
Robin- Okay, thank you.

Robin picks up the phone. Robin's father, Denis, come into the camera shot in a split screen.

Robin- Hello daddy.
Denis- Robin, did something big happen to you recently?
Robin- I don't think so, why?
Denis- Something big, that will alter your whole life, that will inextricably bond you to someone else, something like that?
Robin- I don't think so.
Denis- Robin, I read your boyfriend's blog post.

Robin gets a weird look on her face.

Robin- Might I ask why?
Denis- I wanted to get to know this boy that you're dating.
Robin- I don't believe you, but okay.
Denis- I turned on my computer last Monday and see that your boyfriend has posted a new blog post.
Robin- He usually does that.
Denis- And I read a blog post called "TOTALLY SUBTLE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT CONTAINED HERE!!!"
Robin- Yeah, I read that as well.
Denis- Is there a reason that you haven't told me you're getting married?

Robin gets this stunned look on her face.

Robin- I didn't tell you that?
Denis- Nope. Also, I haven't met this guy that you are marrying yet.
Robin- Oh. (To Hunter in his office) Hunter, could you pick up Line 1?

Hunter picks up the phone and comes into the camera shot, making it a three way split with Denis in the center.

Hunter- Hello.
Robin- Hunter, this is my dad. Dad, this is Hunter.

Hunter begins waving at Denis.

Hunter- Hello future-daddy. I'm waving at you right now but you can't see it.

Denis facepalms.

Denis- This is the guy you're marrying.
Robin- Yes, isn't he cute?
Hunter- Yes I am.

Hunter stops waving and Denis stops facepalming.

Denis- Robin, I want to actually meet this guy.
Hunter- Okay, how's this weekend?
Robin- Don't you have plans this weekend?
Hunter- Not really, unless you count playing Battlefield Bad Company 2 as a plan. Besides, I have that big fucking SUV that I've never gone on a long trip with.
Denis- You have a big fucking SUV?
Hunter- Yes.
Denis- I think I like this guy.

The three on the phone call begin to smile.

Denis- Okay, I'm going to go now, talk to you later dear.
Hunter and Robin- Okay, I love you daddy.

The three in the phone call hang up but the three way camera shot split remains.

Robin- (To Hunter in his office) I think my dad likes you.
Hunter- (To Robin in her office) I think we need an intercom system.
Denis- (Looking directly down) Okay Marissa, you can stop doing that now, I don't think anything's going to come from it.

Hunter and Robin look toward Denis in the three way camera shot.

Hunter and Robin- WHAT?

END SCENE



The Red Interview- The American Minors Association


Hunter Red is sitting on a raised platform with two chairs on it.

Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. I am Hunter Red. Recently, California appealed the ruling handed down striking down it's controversial law, Assembly Bill 1179, which would have made the sale of violent video games to children illegal. Many various groups have come made statements about this bill, but we have yet to hear from the one group this law most directly impacts, children. So, we searched online for a group of people who represent the interest of children. After wading through the mountain of child pornography groups out there, we came upon one group fit the mold. The American Minors Association is the first national union for minors in the United States. AMA President Thomas Lloyd is here tonight to talk with us. Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Lloyd.

Thomas LLoyd comes out to the stage and sits in the chair next to Hunter.

Hunter- Mr. Lloyd, thank you for coming here today.
Thomas- I'm grateful to be here, however I think you are confused.
Hunter- What, am I mispronouncing your name.
Thomas- No, I represent the American Miners Association.
Hunter- Exactly, the American Minors Association.
Thomas- No, Miners, as in the people who mine for coal.
Hunter- They still have kids digging for coal!
Thomas- No! I do not represent kids. I represent miners.
Hunter- What's the difference?
Thomas- Miners are adults.
Hunter- No, minors are kids, hence the reason I can treat kids like second class citizens.
Thomas- No, you can't treat kids, or anyone for that matter, like second class citizens.
Hunter- Why not? Why can't minors in our society have the same rights and abilities as women and gay people?
Thomas- Those people have equal rights as well.
Hunter- Sure, that's what we tell them.
Thomas- All people should be treated equally under the law, whether they be gay, straight, black, white, male, female, minors, or miners, or whatever they are.
Hunter- Exactly, although I do wonder why you said minors twice.
Thomas- I was referring to two difference groups of people.
Hunter- No, you referred to seven different groups of people, you just accidentally said one of them twice.

Thomas gets up out of his chair, grabs Hunter by his collar and says-

Thomas- Look you ginger asshole, get this through your thick scull. I represent miners.
Hunter- Yes, which is why we wanted you on the show, to talk about the California law that affects the rights of minors.
Thomas- NO! You want to talk about minors! I want to talk about miners!
Hunter- Are you saying worlds multiple times to make you sound insane, because if you are, that is a very believable tactic.
Thomas- Fuck this.

Thomas Lloyd walks off the stage. Hunter turns to the camera and says-

Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview. I'd like to thank my guest Thomas Lloyd, and invite him to come back on the show once he is properly medicated. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if a kid asks you to buy a video game for him, tell him no and point him to the guy who buys beer for kids. Thanks for watching.



(Insert Sexual Pun Here)



Hotel Room-Portland, Oregon-Morning

Robin Anderson wakes up, probably woken up by Hunter Red watching Archer on Netflix on his laptop. Robin stretches for a bit and says-

Robin- How long have you been up?
Hunter- Technically I never went to sleep.
Robin- Oh. Did my fantastic sexual prowess keep you up all night long?
Hunter- I'm the one that's supposed to say that. My sexual prowess is supposed to keep you up all night. Or asleep shortly thereafter. I don't know, I'm not up to date on my male sexual norms.

Robin starts to get up from bed and asks-

Robin- Did you already take a shower?
Hunter- Showered, breakfast, and an additional third thing.
Robin- Did you use the shampoo?
Hunter- Yeah. There was a remarkably large amount of it in that small container. The conditioner, not so much, but the shampoo most definitely.
Robin- Damn. How am I supposed to wash my hair now? My hair is going to look thrashed all day.

Hunter reaches under the desk where his laptop is resting and pulls out a bag with two large bottles of shampoo and conditioner in it.

Robin- Where did you find the time to buy that?
Hunter- I was up all night. After I watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I ran down to Walgreen's and got you these things.

Robin walks over to Hunter, naked, kisses him, and takes the bag from him.

Robin- You always know what I want.
Hunter- That's what you said as you were drifting off to sleep last night.

Robin walks into the bathroom to take a shower.

Robin- By the way, would you find my black lacy thong for me?
Hunter- You always know what I want.

END SCENE



Hunter, Robin, Hunter, and Hunter

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

TOTALLY SUBTLE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT CONTAINED HERE!!!

Inception To Perversion



Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are sitting in Robin's office leafing through some rather thick magazines.

Robin- Are you as disinterested in what's in these magazines as I am?
Hunter- I'm only interested in seeing if body builders could tear these magazines in two like they can phone books.

Seifer Kinneas comes wandering into Robin's office. He looks to be in an absolute daze.

Robin- Hey boss, what's up?
Seifer- I just saw Inception.
Robin- What did you think of it?

Seifer doesn't respond.

Hunter- Seifer, you okay?
Seifer- You know how in Inception Leonardo Di Caprio's character knows he's in the real world because a top he spins can fall?
Hunter- Yeah.
Seifer- I just realized that I haven't seen a top fall in a very long time.
Robin- What do you mean?
Seifer- I've been living in Utah for several years now, and in that time I haven't seen a top fall. I need to know this world is real. I need to see a top fall.

Seifer then looks squarely at Robin.

Robin- What are you looking at me for?

Hunter then stands up.

Hunter- Hey boss!

Hunter takes off the shirt he's wearing, holds it out beside him, then lets it drop to the floor.

Hunter- Have you seen a top fall now?

Seifer looks at Hunter and says-

Seifer- How come your boobs are bigger than Robin's?

Robin throws the magazine she was looking through at Seifer, hitting him in the head and knocking his out. Robin and Hunter stand over Seifer, look at Seifer, and say-

Robin- Are we going to have to wake him up in time for out wedding?
Hunter- Nah. He'd just raid the open bar and hit on my mom.

END SCENE



Watch This

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar