Hurray For Optimism

Improved Versions

After I finished The Black Robin Christmas Carol, I set about putting my other two books in a state I felt comfortable with putting into the market. The first one I worked on was The Hawk. I found an embarrassing amount of problems with it. Seriously, to the few of you that did read The Hawk, I sincerely apologize. After adding about three thousand words and thoroughly beating myself up about it, The Hawk is now in a state that I feel comfortable trying to see if I can sell it.

As far as The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, I'm done. I think there might be some problems with it, but I'm done proofreading for a while. Now I have three books for people to ignore. Hurray for optimism. :)

The Hawk: Word Version PDF Version
The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust: Word Version PDF Version
The Black Robin Christmas Carol: Coming November 1st.



The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Review

I have been assigned to write a review for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. However, as I have a thing for goth chicks, I feel I can not objectively review this movie. Therefore, I have passed off this responsibility to my fiance, Robin Anderson. I just hope she doesn't read the part about me having a thing for goth chicks, because she objects to the use of the word "chick".

I just read the opening bit of this piece. Chick. Really? You're using that word? You know much I object to women being objectified like that! Yet you do so anyway. Sometimes, I just don't believe you.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just, that's the first impression I got from the central character of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Lisbeth Salamander looks like the prototypical goth chick that is seen in many shallow teen dramas nowadays. The black hair over the face, the multiple piercing in the ears, the dog collar, these are the kind of things I see walking out of Hot Topic everyday.

What are you doing hanging out in front of the Hot Topic? What, am I not good enough for you?

No, you are plenty for me. I don't even know where that comment came from. I was just milling about in front of the Hot Topic so that I wouldn't be milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret, waiting for you to come out with one of those free panties you can get if you get on Victoria's Secret's mailing list. And I can't be seen milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret or people will think I'm some sort of pervert.

You got a point there. Okay then, I'll do the review for you.

I love IKEA. I love just taking the long drive necessary to get out to that glorious blue box, going inside, and walking around in the prefabricated awesomeness for hours and hours and hours. Sure I can't pronounce any of the things that are in IKEA, but that is so overrated. Plus, I can easily assemble anything I buy. I just ask Hunter to do it.

Wait a minute, you object to me using the term "chick", but are okay with perpetuating the stereotype that women need men to construct things?

It's a joke. You tell off colour jokes all the time.

Yeah, but I generally put such jokes in an absurd or satirical context. What is the context of that comment?

Hmmmm. You got a point there. Okay, we should probably wrap this thing up, it's getting rather long.

Yeah, and with the pictures, this thing should easily meet Seifer's requirement for length.

I bet Robin doesn't have a requirement for length.

Do I have to hit you with a croquet mallet, again?

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: B-



Billy Mitchell: Lion Tamer

On August 9, 2010, reports surfaced that Billy Mitchell, pictured above, had retaken the world record for Donkey Kong. Billy's referee verified score of 1,062,800 bests Hank Chien's previous record of 1,061,700. Upon achieving this feat, Mr. Mitchell was quoted as saying, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." This was not Mr. Mitchell's complete statement. The following is the complete transcript of what Billy Mitchell said after retaking the Donkey Kong world record.

Why do I insist on retaking the Donkey Kong world record from people such as Steve Wiebe and Hank Chien. Well they have boring personalities for one. You want me to continue? How about saving us from that face that looks like you got flattened by a frying pan. Or your monotonous, robotic, Mr. Awesome voice. Or how 'bout I save us from your child-bearing hips, your super cuts hairstyle, your subscription to Blue Ball magazine? But most importantly, Hank Chien, I'm here to save us, from you. Because the first chance I get I'm gonna take that Donkey Kong world record from you, and I'm gonna put it 'round this gorgeous waist, and when I do, Donkey Kong, Twin Galaxies, video gaming entertainment, entertainment entertainment, the state of Florida, the country of the United States, the Western Hemisphere, the planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the crab nebula, the Universe its self... will never, never, never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, be the same, again! I called Steve Wiebe and said to him, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." A week later he hand't returned my call, and at first I thought 'I haven't heard from this man all week. At first I thought it was because it was a spineless, cowardly, jellyfish, but then I realized that he's just... too stupid to understand the concept of records. He has the IQ of a kumquat, and I think I used too big words, I spoke too quickly, Steve got lost in the shuffle! So I'm going to say this very slowly. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell. I am the best in the world at what I do.

When reached for comment on this story, Hank Chien congratulated Billy Mitchell on attaining the Donkey Kong world record, while Steve Wiebe said, "WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP CALLING MY DAMN HOUSE!!!"



Observations On A Morning In Pocatello

There are time I like to look out at what's around.
The gentle swaying of the trees,
The cars zipping by,
The birds drifting from rooftop to rooftop.
Then I see a dog and my cynophobia kicks in so I do inside.

TOTALLY SUBTLE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT CONTAINED HERE!!!

Inception To Perversion



Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are sitting in Robin's office leafing through some rather thick magazines.

Robin- Are you as disinterested in what's in these magazines as I am?
Hunter- I'm only interested in seeing if body builders could tear these magazines in two like they can phone books.

Seifer Kinneas comes wandering into Robin's office. He looks to be in an absolute daze.

Robin- Hey boss, what's up?
Seifer- I just saw Inception.
Robin- What did you think of it?

Seifer doesn't respond.

Hunter- Seifer, you okay?
Seifer- You know how in Inception Leonardo Di Caprio's character knows he's in the real world because a top he spins can fall?
Hunter- Yeah.
Seifer- I just realized that I haven't seen a top fall in a very long time.
Robin- What do you mean?
Seifer- I've been living in Utah for several years now, and in that time I haven't seen a top fall. I need to know this world is real. I need to see a top fall.

Seifer then looks squarely at Robin.

Robin- What are you looking at me for?

Hunter then stands up.

Hunter- Hey boss!

Hunter takes off the shirt he's wearing, holds it out beside him, then lets it drop to the floor.

Hunter- Have you seen a top fall now?

Seifer looks at Hunter and says-

Seifer- How come your boobs are bigger than Robin's?

Robin throws the magazine she was looking through at Seifer, hitting him in the head and knocking his out. Robin and Hunter stand over Seifer, look at Seifer, and say-

Robin- Are we going to have to wake him up in time for out wedding?
Hunter- Nah. He'd just raid the open bar and hit on my mom.

END SCENE



Watch This

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar

****- SEC, R.C.O.A., XBLA, And Other Useless Acronyms

Isn’t Florida In The SEC?

Recently stories surfaces that claimed a merger was in the works between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. These stories led to an increase in the stock prices of both companies. Questions quickly arose about the validity of this story, the source behind it, and the motives therein. After some legal and illegal investigations done by the reporters at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have found the answer to those questions.

This is Gary Quagmire, known online as StraightedgerAFC. Gary is a video game fanatic. Gary doesn’t choose to express his fandom by purchasing every console under the sun. Nor does he have a delicately cataloged and preserved collection of every video game ever released. Mr. Quagmire collects stock. Gary Quagmire owns stock in every publicly traded video game company on Earth. From Square Enix to Take Two to Disney to Nintendo, everyone that is big, small, valuable, worthless, even bankrupt has Gary Quagmire as a shareholder. Upon hacking into his Etrade account, we learned that 57% of Gary Quagmire’s value in stock is wrapped up in Microsoft and Electronic Arts.

Gary Quagmire also maintains a blog entitled “THA STRAIGHTEDGERAFC ZONE!!1!!”. Mr. Quagmire’s blog posts have mostly been unremarkable. Long rambling rants about cheese, a request for help in finding his shoes, and short posts about how bored he is are the most significant things he posted about. That is until recently when Gary posted a blog entitles “EA/Microsoft Merger Inside Info”. In this post Gary quotes several industry insiders and several game industry executives about recent talks between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. It would appear as if this is the story that spurned the recent stories that were picked up by every gaming news site under the sun.

After talking with the persons sited in Mr. Quagmire’s story, it appears as if the story is entirely false. Peter Moore was quotes as saying, “Are you fucking shitting me?” So why did Gary post this story? Is Gary Quagmire just another jackass on the internet? No.

Gary’s recent Etrade activity includes the selling of some of his shares in Microsoft and Electronic Arts. This activity took place after the stock prices of both companies went up in response to the merger stories, stories he created. Fomenting stock prices in this manner is a very serious white-collar crime, one which Gary Quagmire appears to be guilty of.

We contacted the Securities and Exchange Commission about this possible crime. The only response we got was, “We will look into this right after we figure out why everyone is so hot and bothered about Bernard Madoff.” It is unknown what Gary Quagmire did with the profits from his recent stock market transactions. Although the most recent update on his Twitter feed was, “HOOK3R5 4|\|D B1O\/\/ FTW!”



R.C.O.A.: Insurrection In Your House!

Hunter Red walks into the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. Immediately he sees a trail of muddy bootprints leading from the entrance to Seifer Kinneas’s office. Hunter walks over to Seifer’s office, pokes his head in and says-
Hunter- Seifer?
Seifer- Yes Hunter, what can I help you with?
H- I noticed the muddy footprints and-
S- Yes, I did some gardening this weekend and got my work boots muddied up pretty good.
H- Yes, well I’m sure the people who work for you would really appreciate you not tracking mud through the office.
Seifer stands up from his chair and bellows-
S- Are you criticizing me?
H- No, I’m just-
S- You are criticizing me! Insurrection! Insurrection! Insurrection!
Hunter, being thoroughly annoyed with Seifer’s antics, walks over to his office. Seifer continues to bellow “Insurrection!” the whole time. Hunter closes the door to his office, sits at his desk, pulls out a bottle of bourbon and a glass from his desk, and pours himself a glass. As Hunter goes to drink the bourbon, he turns and sees someone in a dark corner in his office. It’s a person dressed like V from V For Vendetta.
V- Hello Hunter. Is the time for revolution at hand?
H- Robin, I don’t know how you did that voice just now, but I’m really not up for role playing right now.
The person dressed as V takes off the mask and reveals that it is in fact Robin Anderson.
Robin- Why not? Does this getup not do it for you?
H- It’s not that. Seifer’s being a general dick and I’m just not up for dealing with him right now.
R- So what am I supposed to do now?
H- Take the cape off and go to work.
R- I can’t really do that.
H- Why, are you naked under there?
R- No.
Robin opens her cape and reveals-
R- I’m wearing sexy lingerie.
H- Sorry.
Robin sullenly walks out of Hunter’s office. As Robin is walking across the R.C.O.A. office Seifer says-
S- Hey Robin, what are ya, trying to redefine the office dress code?
Hunter looks at his bottle of bourbon and says-
H- Let’s see how effective a bottle of bourbon is as a blunt object.
Hunter grabs the bottle of bourbon by the neck, stands up, and storms over to Seifer’s office.
END SCENE



To The Douchebag With The Bad Hair…

I was taking the train into town, listening to the automated announcements, when I thought, “What would be the gaming equivalent of these announcements?” The following is what I came up with.

Just a reminder to all players on mic, your opponent does not want detailed information about their mother’s sex life.

Please note that in a normal civilized society it is not acceptable to use words of curse at a high rate of frequency.

To the guy in the upper right hand quadrant of the screen: I am aware of what a real mushroom looks like and what you are exhibiting is not it.

To the person currently on mic: Yes, Metallica does in fact rock. However, you do not need to prove that Metallica rocks by screaming lyrics to their songs at maximum volume.

Please note that the fact that I utterly dominate in an online environment is not a reason to question my sexual orientation.

To the person currently on mic: Persons who actually have entered into a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender do not need to proclaim such while playing Halo.

To the person in the upper left quadrant of the screen: I don’t know what exactly you are doing with your hands, but I’m reporting you.

To the person currently on mic: I won. Therefore I do not suck.

Just a reminder to all players: If you plan to play video games while nude, as a courtesy to your fellow players, please turn your vision camera off. Thank you.

Despite persistent internet rumors to the contrary, I will give you up, I will let you down, I will run around, and I definitely will desert you.

While I do comment you for not operating a motor vehicle in your current state, it is also unacceptable to play video games online while drunk or high.

Just a note, if your gamertag is comprised exclusively of leet speak, the only person who will expediently recognize your name is you.

In order to send an audio message over Live, you must first turn your microphone on.

****- Distorted Impressions of Trent's Apple

Brutal Legend Demo Impressions

The following is a series of tweets I put out while playing the demo for Brutal Legend. @Redertainment

Beginning the Brutal Legend Demo now.9:09 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Jack Black swearing FTMFW!9:12 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I am so buying the soundtrack to Brutal Legend. The game as well, but definitely the soundtrack.9:15 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I haven't enjoyed a demo this much since the NBA Street demo. Awesome.9:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Dear Activision: You passed on Brutal Legend? YOU SUCK!9:24 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Have I mentioned recently that the Brutal Legend Demo is fucking awesome? It is, I've just been distracted by iTunes 9.0. Damn you Apple!9:41 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Dear EA: You have brought me three great gaming experiences this year. Tiger Woods, Mirror's Edge, and Dead Space. Make that four.9:44 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

How keep on saying "counterweights" as if that is supposed to help me. I don't know how to drop the counterweights!9:51 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

irweak. Looking up walkthrough9:57 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

@BobbyBlackwolf Scribblenauts? Nah, I'd rather play the Brutal Legend Demo. At least that game is awesome to play while drunk.10:06 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck in reply to BobbyBlackwolf

I think I found one. http://bit.ly/cAXqC 10:14 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Okay, I finished that part. It's amazing how simple that was. I really should have figured it out sooner.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Fully pauseable cutscenes FTW.10:21 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

It's over? You're right, I haven't seen shit, but I want to!10:22 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

I'm gonna play this again!10:23 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

Just finished the Brutal Legend Demo again. Might go back for a third go around in the morning.10:45 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck



Dear Apple:!!!

In this space originally was a complaint letter about some of the changes made in iTunes version 9.0, specifically the way podcasts were synced. However, on Saturday I downloaded a new version on iTunes that fixed the problem. So thanks Apple. You heard people bitching about something and fixed what they were bitching about. Things are good now.



Halo 3: Useless God Damn Acronym

Seifer Kinneas, President of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, is sitting in his office. Seifer presses a button on his desk and yells-

Seifer- (In a loud obnoxious tone) Hunter, get in here!
Hunter- Sir, you don’t have to yell through the intercom, it amplifies it for you.
Seifer- I like yelling so I will continue yelling.
Hunter- So, what do you need me for?
Seifer- You’re a video game nerd right?
H- Yes.
S- I need some help with this game I’m playing.
H- What is it?
S- Halo 3 Odst. (Seifer attempts to pronounce the acronym as an actual word.)
H- Odst?
S- Yes, Odst.
H- Sir, it’s an acronym. It’s pronounced O-D-S-T.
S- Okay, then I need you help with Halo 3 O-D-S-T.
H- Okay, what do you need help with?
S- I need you to teach me how not to suck at this game.
H- I can’t help you with that.
S- Why not?
H- I suck at Halo
Seifer looks at Hunter like Hunter had just said the most bizarre thing in the history of man.
S- But you’re a video game nerd.
H- Yes.
S- And you suck at Halo?
H- Yes.
S- But I thought all video game nerd were good at Halo?
H- Not me.
S- Why not?
H- I guess I don’t play Halo enough as I prefer games with good stories behind them.
S- But Odst does have a good story behind it. You see alien, you kill alien. What’s better than that?
H- I guess I need something more than that.
Siefer is visibly depressed at this.
S- Okay, you can leave then.
Hunter then walks out of Seifer’s office.
S- (In an obnoxious and loud tone.) Wait, come back!
Hunter walks back into Seifer’s office.
H- What?
S- What does O-D-S-T stand for?
H- Oh Damn this is the Shit Trent.
S- Okay, be gone with you.
Hunter walks out of Seifer’s office again. Seifer picks up the phone, dials, waits for someone to pick up, and says-
S- Hey Grandpa, you wanna play Halo 3 Oh Damn, this is the Shit Trent?
Siefer has this sincere looking smile on his face as the scene ends.



The Official Bullhorn of the Redertainment Corporation Of America

On Thursday, September 24th, 2009 the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams broadcasted from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, site of the most recent G-20 Summit. During the broadcast a protester on a bullhorn was heard in the background. Due to the dynamics of your garden variety bullhorn, the message the protester was trying to convey was distorted to the point that it was incomprehensible.

After diligent work in the audio labs at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have managed to decipher the message the protester was trying to convey. Here is an audio transcript of that message.

“Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for a moment. I just want to take this opportunity to tell people how great this book I just read is. The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, available for free at Redertainment.com.”

After that the protester kept repeating this message until the broadcast was finished. The identity of the protester is unknown at this point. However it is noteworthy that R.C.O.A. reporter Robin Anderson was out of the office on the day the protester was trying to convey their message. Miss Anderson’s whereabouts during this period is unknown at this point and a phone call to the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America, specifically extension 115, would be very much appreciated.

Detachable Playstation Controller A Hoax

This week, a story broke about a detachable Playstation controller, with great detail given as to how this controller would work. From the moment this story hit online people were openly skeptical about it. Dead Pixel Live co-host Alphabox openly said on last Thursday's episode, "This story is fake." As it turns out, they are right.

The man responsible for this hoax is writer Thomas Anderson, an employee of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. R.C.O.A. President Seifer Kinneas acknowledged this in a statement earlier today. He said, "We here at the Redertainment Corporation Of America are embarrassed by the actions of one of our young employees. The Redertainment Corporation Of America wholeheartedly apologizes for this and are working to ensure that this never happens again." This is not the first time that my fellow employee has tried something like this. Mr. Anderson is responsible for such stories as "Valiant Soldier", "Is The Club A Recruitment Tool?", and "Sarah Palin: Certified Hypnotist".

When I asked him about this, Thomas Anderson has the following to say. "I was just sitting in the offices with a deadline looming and no idea how to fulfill my commitments. Like I do when I'm stressed, I started doodling. That day I was doodling my vision of the dildo of the future when Mr. Kinneas came around and asked me what I was doing. So I lied. I said I was drawing a new design for a detachable Playstation controller. Mr. Kinneas said he was pleased by this and wanted to see me develop it. I then proceeded to pull a story out of my ass."

It is unknown what kind of consequences will fall down on Thomas Anderson, that decision is expected to be made this week. It is known that Thomas has been asked by several people to produce the dildo he designed. These people include Mr. Kinneas' wife Crystal Motoko, my girlfriend Evey Hammond, and former DPL host Raven Fraiser.