Notes From Rehab 3: Glorious Junk

Red Appearances

I recently bought Marcus- The Hand That Feeds at one of Marcus' shows. I went to the taping of this comedy special in March. Marcus, who was running concessions for himself, told me that I make an appearance in one of the crowd shots on this DVD. This excited me. So I watched this very fine comedy special and documented my various appearances. I do this because I am completely vain.

At 0:56:12, there is a camera pan of the crowd. In the upper part, between a guy in a baseball cap and a guy in a white shirt, there's a guy in a white shirt with red sleeves. That's me in my Dead Pixel Live shirt. If you can recognize me, you get a cookie.

At 1:12:53, I appear laughing at Marcus' joke about him not knowing about the latest social network thing. Then I stroke my goatee. I am baffled as to why I stroked my goatee. If you can explain to me why I stroked my goatee at that moment, you get a cookie.

At 1:21:20, a slow zoom out of the crowd begins, first focusing on two guys wearing hats, and, as it pulls out, moving slowly right. At 1:21:23, I come into frame. Again, red sleeves, Dead Pixel Live T-Shirt, this time you can see the watch I wear on my right hand. No goatee stroking this time.

At 1:48:44, right near the end, there's a pan of the audience. I'm close to the middle of the beginning of this shot. No goatee stroking, just big hair.

That is all. By the way, go see Marcus because he is very much good. Also, buy his stuff because it is very much good. Finally, eat some Brussel sprouts, because they are very much good.



Fun With Government Debt!

I found out about this on Monday and started playing around with it. It's quite interesting. I challenge you to balance the deficit without raising taxes. It's quite difficult.

Budget Puzzle: You Fix the Budget



24 Hours?

I started thinking about this when the whole Daily Show/MSNBC/False Equivalency thing started being tossed around. This came up when, at the Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear, Jon Stewart equated Fox News to MSNBC. The people at MSNBC, most prominently Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, didn't like this comparison.

This discussion caused me to ask the following question: Do we have twenty-four hour news stations any more? The answer is no. What we have is stations that run opinion based entertainment programs during the time designated as "prime time", then run filler for the rest of the day.

For a long time we did. It wasn't MSNBC, or Fox News, or CNN that filled this role, it was Headline News. However, a couple of years ago, even Headline News started airing shows like Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace. Whether it's The Rachel Maddow Show, Hannity, or Parker/Spitzer, every station that touts itself as a twenty-four hour news station has opinion based entertainment programs.

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the true twenty-four hour news station. I used to be able to turn on Headline News if I wanted to get a sense of what was going on right now. If I had heard a snippet of a national news story and wanted to get more info, I could go to MSNBC and get that info. Hell, I could even go to CNN to get the score from last night's Atlanta Braves game. Now, if I want that information, I have to go online. Perhaps that is the reason why the twenty-four hour news station has gone away. If I can quickly, and easily, get up to the second news on my laptop, iPad, cellphone, or any other web enabled device, why should I wait for the update from the TV news outlet that may be hours old? Perhaps the former twenty-four hour news stations are evolving to meet the current desires of it's audience. If only newspapers could evolve in such a manner. Then we could get a weekly column from Glenn Beck entitled "The Liberal Menace!"




Explicit Colours!

Among the games released alongside the launch of the Xbox 360 Kinect was Kinect Joyride. In this game, you can choose the colour of the car you drive. The way this is done is the Kinect camera looks at it's field of vision and asks the player to choose an object in that field of vision to base the colour off of. Based on statistics gathered by the Neilson Ratings Group, here is the top five colours chosen by the players of Kinect Joyride.

#5- Back Of An iPod Silver
#4- Notebook Paper White
#3- Outside Of The PS3 Black
#2- Mountain Dew Green
And the number one colour-
#1- Penis Pink



Glorious Junk!

Hello, I am Anthony Severe. Recently a big deal was made of the new guidelines put in place by the Transportation Security Administration. Namely all these panty wasted liberals are complaining about the full body scanners and the enhanced pat downs that are currently being implemented by TSA officials.

I personally don't have a problem with these new security guidelines. This is because I have glorious junk. I have the kind of junk that women want to experience and men want to have attached to them. You know all those emails you get offering you pills to increase your size? You are attempting to obtain the glory that I as graced by God to have.

I don't even mind the full body pat downs that involve men running their hands up my leg and brushing against my private area. This is because I know that once this guy touches my glorious junk, that man will become jealous of my glorious junk. They will recoil in fear of my glorious junk and not be drawn to it in the manner that many, MANY, women are drawn to my glorious junk.

Because I am a true conservative with glorious junk, I know the true reason why people are making a big deal of the new TSA security guidelines. The reason is that they are filthy stinking liberals who shouldn't be allowed in decent society, and that they have teeny, tiny, micro penises. They feel inadequate because of their teeny, tiny, micro penises and therefore feel the need to ruin the party for all of us with glorious junk. Again, I HAVE GLORIOUS JUNK!




The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards: Nomination Special

Hello! Anthony Severe here, picking up the slack for Hunter Red, who is still in a rehabilitation facility in Park City, Utah. The time has come for the process to start for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. The nomination process is now open, and you the reader can participate! Simply submit your winner in any, or all, of the catagories listed below. You can even submit the reason why you think your choice should win. Nominations for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards will close on Monday, December 20th, with the award ceremony scheduled for Monday, December 27th. You can submit your winner to the following places:

Twitter: @Redertainment
Facebook: Send a message to Hunter Red
Email: redertainment@live.com
Or submit a comment or reply wherever you are reading this.

Award Categories
Game Of The Year
Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Playstation 3 Game Of The Year
Nintendo Wii Game Of The Year
Downloadable Game Of The Year
Biggest Gaming Disappointment Of The Year
Best New IP Of The Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award

Hell Message Aficionado

Marcus- Hell Oh Well Review

Hunter Red is sitting in his office at The Redertainment Corporation Of America. He is busily writing something at his desk, occasionally snickering as he does so. Hunter occasionally ponders as he writes, then gets back to creating and snickering. Finally, Hunter finishes what he's writing and says-

"End Scene. There it is. The most spectacular piece of satire I've ever written. It has all the perfect elements. Absurdity, fucked up shit, a Republican getting beaten like a pinata, this is it. This is as perfect as I can get."

The chime of Twitter being updated is heard coming from Hunter's computer.

"Oh look, Marcus has released a comedy CD on iTunes. I remember seeing the taping of his comedy special in May. That was a fucking awesome show. I think I'll buy his CD. I'll download it and listen to it now."

Roughly an hour and a half later, depending on internet speeds, Hunter finishes listening to Marcus' Hell Oh Well.

"Man. I feel suddenly inadequate."

Hunter then opens one of the drawers of his desk, pulls out a full bottle of vodka, puts it on his desk, and says-

"Oh vodka. It's a shame I won't be drinking you."

Hunter gets up form this desk, walks over to where his garbage can is, picks it up, walks over to the window, opens the window, and tosses the contents of his garbage can out the window. Hunter then places the garbage can in the center of his office, and grabs the vodka bottle and the satirical piece he just wrote off his desk. Hunter puts the satirical piece in the garbage can, empties the contents of the vodka bottle into the can, starts fishing around in his pockets, and produces a book of matches.

Hunter holds the matchbook aloft, marveling at the logo form the bar long since closed. Hunter goes through the process of striking a single match, sets the entire matchbook on fire, damn near burns himself, then drops the matchbook into the garbage can.

The garbage can erupts in flames. Awesome flames.

"Wow! That fire is cool. Not as cool as Marcus' CD, but still cool."

An alarm sounds and the sprinklers in Hunter's office go off, putting out the fire and soaking Hunter to the bone.

"That was not cool."


END SCENE

Marcus- Hell Oh Well: A-

Link to iTunes Page



My Mom, Porn Aficionado

Recently, driven by her appearance on ABC's Dancing With The Stars, rumors have been circulating about a sex tape starring actress Jennifer Grey. Stories about this sex tape paint it as a scandalous matter, the kind that fills every celebrity gossip rag in print today. However, I question whether or not this is a scandal. A Jennifer Grey sex tape has been in wide circulation for years. In fact, my mom owns a copy of this sex tape. It is one that she watches frequently, and is not ashamed to tell her family, friends, and random strangers, that she not only watches it, she likes it. I remember several occasions where I, as a child, was made by my mother to watch the Jennifer Grey sex tape. I did not like the Jennifer Grey sex tape then, and still don't today. My fiance has viewed the Jennifer Grey sex tape and, while she doesn't like it as much as my mother does, she does have a certain affinity for it. Maybe it's a girl thing.




Anita Apology

The following is a transcript of a telephone conversation held between the two men pictured above, PrideUtah founder Eric Ethington and LDS General Authority Boyd K. Packer. This conversation, held on Thursday October 21st, 2010, is in response to protests organized by Eric Ethington over Boyd K. Packer's controversial comments at the most recent LDS Church General Conference.

Ring Ring Ring

Eric- Hello?
Boyd- Hello, is this Eric Etherington?
Eric- Actually, it's Ethington.
Boyd- Ah, it's good to talk to you Mr. Etherington. This is Boyd Packer speaking. I'm calling you in reference to a story I read recently.
Eric- The one where I criticize you over the comments you made at General Conference?
Boyd- No, the story that broke on Wednesday involving Mrs. Thomas and Miss Hill.
Eric- The one where Virginia Thomas asked for an apology from Anita Hill for the sexual harassment allegations she levied against her husband, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Boyd- Exactly. Well, I'm calling you today to ask you to do something for me.
Eric- What is that?
Boyd- I would like you to apologize to me.
Eric- For what?
Boyd- For existing.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Excuse me?
Boyd- Did you not hear me clearly? I'm not quite used to these newfangled telephonic machines. Do I need to repeat myself?
Eric- No, no, I heard you, I just can't believe what I just heard.
Boyd- What do you mean?
Eric- You want me
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- Eric Ethington
Boyd- Etherington.
Eric- to apologize
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- to you
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- for existing?
Boyd- Yes.

There is a short pause.

Eric- Is this a joke?
Boyd- I don't follow.
Eric- This has got to be a joke. Not only is it absurd for you to be calling me, but it is completely absurd that you just asked me to apologize for existing.
Boyd- No, this isn't a joke. I am calling you to apologize to me for existing as a homosexual, non-faithful, liberal, with long hair.
Eric- No, this has got to be a joke.
Boyd- What makes you think this is a joke? Why would anyone pull a joke like this?
Eric- To fuck with me.

At this point the phone conversation abruptly ends.

END TRANSCRIPT



You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah at 7PM. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar

The Muhammad Sketch And Others

Marcus- The Hand That Feeds

Marcus, Utah native known for his appearances on Last Comic Standing and the Geek Show Podcast, will be performing live at Kingston Hall. This is not just an ordinary performance, this performance will be filmed for the upcoming comedy special "The Hand That Feeds". Tickets are on sale right now at Kingtix.com. Tickets close to the stage costs only $35. Gets your tickets early as this show is expected to sell out.




The Muhammad Sketch

Four people are seen sitting around a table playing poker. These people are Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan. A game has just wrapped up and it's time to deal out another hand. Muhammad takes the cards, and starts to shuffle them, and says-

Muhammad- I'll deal this hand.
Jesus- Allright, it'll give me a chance to check my mail.
Jesus takes his smart phone out of his pocket and checks his email.
Jesus- Oh man.
Mario- What is it Jesus?
Jesus- I'm getting all these prayers sent to me, and most of it is the usual fare. Help me with my job interview, help me ace this test, help me nail this broad, but this, this last one is the worst.
Muhammad- What is it?
Jesus- It says, "Dear lord almighty, hollowed be thy name, please help me kill this abortion doctor, amen."
Mario- Oh man.
Muhammad- I hate prayers like that.
Jesus- I mean, do they honestly expect me to help with that? Next thing they'll do is ask for my help to blow things up.
Muhammad- Don't you already get that? Didn't that Eric Rudolph guy blow stuff up in your name?
Jesus facepalms.
Jesus- That's right.
Muhammad- Well, don't make a habit of facepalming over everybody who bombs in your name. If I did that my hand would be over my face constantly.
Muhammad starts dealing out the cards.
Mario- What about the people who threaten people who make pictures of you?
Muhammad- Oh, that is so embarrassing to me.
Jesus- Well, they probably wouldn't have such a big problem with it if you weren't so preoccupied with that blemish you have.
Muhammad- I know, this mole will be the end of me.
Muhammad finishes dealing out the cards.
Muhammad- Okay, everyone ante up.
Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan all throw chips into the pot.
Muhammad- What about you Ron? You've been quiet all night, what do you think of people doing stuff and involving the memory of you while doing so.
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding.
The other people at the table look at Ronald Reagan oddly.
Mario- What?
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding. I like eat pudding with spoon. Sometimes I eat pudding with fork, but that not as good as spoon.
Muhammad- Okay.
Ronald Reagan- I try eating pudding with a knife but then I make cherry pudding, and I no like cherry pudding.
Jesus- Is he playing stupid or is he really senile?
Muhammad- He does this every time anyone brings up problems with the conservative movement. Just watch how his eyes light up when we bring up his movies,
Ronald Reagan- I'm going to with this pot for the Gipper.
Jesus- Well at least Mario here doesn't have that problem. No one worships Mario like they do us.
Mario- Are you kidding me? There's this black kid on the internet who'd bow down in front of me if I appeared in front of him.
Ronald Reagan- I have millions of people who'd do that for me.
Mario- Besides, that's not what the biggest problem is.
Jesus- What is it my son?
Mario- There are people who take magic mushrooms because they think they'll give them the same kind of powers I have.
There is a short pause.
Muhammad- Lets' see here: People taking mushrooms because they think they'll be able to break bricks with their heads or people blowing up buildings because they think they'll end up nailing hot broads in heaven.
Ronald Reagan- Are you talking about your followers or mine?
Mario- Okay, your problem isn't as big as mine, but it leads back to the same problem. All of us strove to create worlds where peace and love reigned supreme, and now people are using our names to commit acts that seek to tear society apart.
There is a long pause.
Muhammad- What is your point?
Mario- My point is we need to do something about this, and not just sitting around playing poker.
There is another long pause. Then Nancy Reagan pokes her head into the room and says-
Nancy Reagan- Oh Ronnie, why don't you come to bed big boy?
Ronald Reagan springs up from the table and says-
Ronald Reagan- Yay! Me take blue pill and take happy ride! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Ronald Reagan leaves the poker table and joins Nancy upstairs.
Mario- Well, what are we supposed to do now? We need a fourth to play.
Muhammad- Why?
Mario- It's always more fun with four people.
Jesus takes out his smartphone and says-
Jesus- I'll see if Steve Jobs can come and play with us.
Jesus calls Steve Jobs as Mario studies his cards and Muhammad starts to count how many chips he has left.

END SCENE



John Cleese On Extremism

****- Off Sticks

Dilldo Sticks In Use

Recently it was announced that Playstation Move support will be added to the recent Playstation 3 release Heavy Rain. Commenting on this, Sony President Jack Tretton said, “I feel it is great that a title that is already in the homes on so many consumers will add support for this exciting new way to play games.” When asked how the Playstation Move will be used in Heavy Rain, Mr. Tretton said, “There are many ways Playstation move could be used in Heavy Rain. For instance, in the sex scene between Ethan and Madison, you can use the Playstation Move to penetrate Miss Paige’s-" At that point the phone call abruptly ended.




Insta-Turn Off

Hunter Red is sitting in the living room of Robin Anderson’s home waiting for Robin to finish getting ready for a night out.
Robin- (From the other room)Hunter?
Hunter- Yes Robin?
R- When is this thing we’re going to tonight?
H- Nine.
R- What time is it now?
H- Don’t you have a clock in there?
R- No.
Hunter rolls his eyes and looks at this watch.
H- It’s seven, we got plenty of time.
R- Okay. Who are we seeing tonight anyway?
H- Marcus.
R- He’s that comedian guy, right?
H- Yep.
R- That guy is one sexy motherfucker.
H- indeed.
R- By the way, I bought a new jacket. You wanna see it?
H- Sure.
Robin walks into the living room wearing her usual getup for a night out, plus a new red leather jacket.
R- So, what do you think?
Hunter looks like he’s about to throw up.
R- Oh no. You don’t like it.
H- No. No I do not.
R- What, does it not fit well on me?
H- No, it’s not that.
Hunter digs his iPhone out of his pocket and searches for something.
H- It’s this.
Hunter shows Robin this photo:

R- Oh my.
H- Yes.
R- I can see why you’re disgusted.
H- Yes.
R- I’ll go change.
H- Yes, please.
Robin goes off to take off her jacket.
R- (From the other room) Does this mean I’ll have to throw out my S&M gear?
H- Not unless Voyeur has an amateur night.

END SCENE

****- Sexiest Bottle Blonde Zombie Of the Year

Blog Post Of The Year

This week People Magazine’s annual Sexiest Man Alive issue hit the newsstands. For the third time, part time pirate Johnny Depp has been bestowed with this award. While People Magazine is the most prominent it is not the only magazine bestowing a (BANKIEST) (BLANK) award. The following is a list of other awards that either have been or will be awarded shortly.

Geek Magazine has named Seth Green the Sexiest Geek Alive for the third time.

Oprah Magazine has named Oprah Whinfrey the World’s Greatest Woman Alive for the ninth time.

Ed Hardy Magazine has named Jon Goslin the Douchest Man Alive for the first time.

RCOA Monthly has named Hunter Red Douchebag Blogger Of The Year for the fifth time.

Natalie Portman has been named Sexiest Woman Alive by Hunter Red Digest for the forth time.

Kerry Jackson Magazine has named Marcus Sexiest Comedian Alive for the second time.

Kickboxing Enthusiast has named Heidi and Spencer Pratt the Couple Most Deserving Of A Face Kick for the fourth time.

And finally Ted Haggard Magazine has named Carrie Prejean Hypocrite Of The Year for the first time.



Forgive Me- 11/21/2009

Palin event leaves some out in the cold, unhappy

I left anxious fans yearning for my autograph waiting in the rain.
Forgive me.
Besides, there may have been an unworthy liberal amongst you.



The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger

By now everybody in the Western hemisphere has had some sort of interaction with the works of Stephanie Meyer. Whether it’s reading the book Twilight, going to see New Moon in the theaters, or watching the Cody Deveraux parodies on The Tonight Show, The Twilight Saga is pretty much inescapable right now. Even while new Moon is raking in millions upon millions of dollars at the box office, plans are being finalized for the next film in this series. Rather than follow the plot of the next book in this series, Eclipse, Summit Entertainment has decided to create their own entry in the Twilight Saga. Details on this movie have been sparce until now. Here, exclusively on Redertainment.com, are the early details on The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger deals chiefly with a character by the name of Ana Clark. Ana is not directly mentioned in any of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books, but is indirectly mentioned as a student at the high school Bella attends. As it turns out, Ana is one of the many supernatural students that fill the halls at Forks High School. Ana Clark is a zombie.

Like the rest of the supernatural creatures in The Twilight Saga, the zombies in Cerebral Hunger don’t follow the established rules about zombies. Rather than being a slow walking mindless creature driven only by her desire to consume brains, Ana is a genius track star who is driven by a need to succeed in every avenue of her life and consume brains. Many will dismiss this alteration to the zombie lore but they will be crushed by the legion of Twihards who will accept this definition of zombies as the only one that has ever been.

Rumor has it that Gossip Girl star Blake Lively has been tapped to fill the role of Ana Clark in The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger. It is unknown at this time how The Twilight commitment will affect her status on the CW drama. It is known that by taking this role the Parent’s Television Council will have something new to bitch about.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger is expected to start filming soon with a release expected somewhere around Holiday 2010. Expect the hype machine to kick in sometime in June with Paterson/Stewart marriage rumors expected to roll out in mid-September.



Eminem > Modern Warfare 2



Eminem is one of those artists I’ve been following since Junior High. I own all of his major label releases, the two D12 major label CDs, the 8 Mile Soundtrack, and a smattering of other recordings featuring Eminem. If you put all the music I own by Eminem into a single playlist it would be exactly 11.1 hours long.

It took me exactly 5:32:56 to finish the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. In short, it would take you longer to listen to Eminem’s entire catalog than it would take you to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. I just find that interesting.