ICBM: Inadequacy Caused By Microsoft
For a while I've been feeling inadequate as a satirist. This feeling was caused by a series of articles written by Matt Taibbi for Rolling Stone about the collapse of the banking industry. My feelings of inadequacy was tempered by the fact that at least the video game industry wasn't doing things that, as I read about them, made me say "This is real. This is not fiction. This is actually happening." Then I saw this.
This article contains a list of names considered for the new Xbox console. These names include MAX, MARZ, EHQ, and VERV. Yes, VERV, which stood for "Virtual Entertainment & Reality Venture". Not only does this seem like a joke to me, this seems like a joke I would write. Now I feel really inadequate, both as a satirist and as a human being. I wonder if there is anything that could help me feel worthwhile at this moment.
Wrong kind of pussy pic.
Labels:
Matt Taibbi,
Microsoft,
Pussy,
Xbox One
Moving In Slow Motion: 48.3% Complete
Another payday is here, and another opportunity to inflict punishment on myself is also here. That's right, this is another list of things that I could have bought if I wasn't putting fat stacks of sweaty cash in the bank in order to save for a house. Unlike last time, this payday I don't have any major bills to pay, freeing up more money for me to not spend on things that will make me immediately happy. After paying some small bills and factoring in other incidentals...
I have exactly $875.89 to not spend on myself. So, let's see what I am not buying this payday.
In the past week, DerrickH, one of the hosts of the popular internet radio program Dead Pixel Live, decided to buy a whole new computer. This decision was driven by his computer spontaneously shutting off when it was asked to do things. Buying a new laptop has been on my to do list ever since my laptop started freezing up when it was asked to do things. Driven by my desire and DerrickH's retail experience, I have decided to see how much computer I could buy for myself if I wasn't putting the money away for a purpose that I have to keep on telling myself will work out someday. Again, this being a responsible adult shit had better work out someday. And by someday, I mean soon. And by soon, I mean RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Newegg.com is a place where people can buy computers, laptops, and other computer and laptop accessories. There are many other places where people can buy computers, but Newegg has the added benefit of reminding users of the website of breakfast. On Newegg, you can narrow your search to computers that fit into whatever their potential customer's budget is. By utilizing this process, I was able to narrow down my search for potential laptops that I am not buying to a mere 711 products. Not wanting to to try and pick the best from an amount more closely associated with a gas station, I decided to narrow my search further. I won't go into the whole process I went through to narrow my search. Why not try it for yourself and see the fun that you can have seeing all of the fun toys that you can buy and then explain to your wife why you bought a computer instead of food.
The laptop that I would like to purchase for myself if I wasn't putting money away for something that I swear will pay off someday is the
ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook, pictured above. This laptop has an Intel Core i7 2640M(2.80GHz), 8GB Memory, 750GB HDD 5400rpm, and other shit that I also do not understand. What I do know is that this laptop is better than my current laptop, which also has a bunch of letter and numbers associated with it that I in no way understand. Currently the ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook is selling for $494.99. So, after that purchase that i will not be making, I have approximately $380.90 for me to not spend.
I have exactly $875.89 to not spend on myself. So, let's see what I am not buying this payday.
In the past week, DerrickH, one of the hosts of the popular internet radio program Dead Pixel Live, decided to buy a whole new computer. This decision was driven by his computer spontaneously shutting off when it was asked to do things. Buying a new laptop has been on my to do list ever since my laptop started freezing up when it was asked to do things. Driven by my desire and DerrickH's retail experience, I have decided to see how much computer I could buy for myself if I wasn't putting the money away for a purpose that I have to keep on telling myself will work out someday. Again, this being a responsible adult shit had better work out someday. And by someday, I mean soon. And by soon, I mean RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Newegg.com is a place where people can buy computers, laptops, and other computer and laptop accessories. There are many other places where people can buy computers, but Newegg has the added benefit of reminding users of the website of breakfast. On Newegg, you can narrow your search to computers that fit into whatever their potential customer's budget is. By utilizing this process, I was able to narrow down my search for potential laptops that I am not buying to a mere 711 products. Not wanting to to try and pick the best from an amount more closely associated with a gas station, I decided to narrow my search further. I won't go into the whole process I went through to narrow my search. Why not try it for yourself and see the fun that you can have seeing all of the fun toys that you can buy and then explain to your wife why you bought a computer instead of food.
The laptop that I would like to purchase for myself if I wasn't putting money away for something that I swear will pay off someday is the
ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook, pictured above. This laptop has an Intel Core i7 2640M(2.80GHz), 8GB Memory, 750GB HDD 5400rpm, and other shit that I also do not understand. What I do know is that this laptop is better than my current laptop, which also has a bunch of letter and numbers associated with it that I in no way understand. Currently the ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook is selling for $494.99. So, after that purchase that i will not be making, I have approximately $380.90 for me to not spend.
On Saturday July 6th, the day that people may actually read this post, the UFC is holding the appropriately named UFC 162. UFC 162 will feature many sweaty half-naked men rolling around on top of eachother trying to assert their dominance over the other. The main event of UFC 162 features Anderson Silva, who is the kind of man I wish I was but cannot be because I do not have the willpower to be a sexy athletic man who demands the respect of both men and women. Also I cannot be Anderson Silva because I cannot afford the scientific device necessary to undergo the process of switching bodies with another person. I can, however, afford the $49.99 it will take for me to watch UFC 162 on my Roku via the UFC.TV app. That is I could afford it if I wasn't not spending money on things that I find to be enjoyable, and I find watching sweaty half-naked men rolling around on eachother enjoyable for reasons that I do not wish to go into right now. So, after that purchase I will not be making, I have approximately $330.91 for me to not spend.
On July 14th, the WWE will hold their WWE Money In The Bank pay-per-view event/extravaganza. I would very much like to see this event. However, I very much do not want to see one of the participants in this event.
Recently, the wrestler known professionally as Jack Swagger was convicted of Driving While Intoxicated. This arrest is not why I do not want to see Jack Swagger participate in the WWE Money In The Bank pay-per-view event/extravaganza The reason that I do not want to see Jack Swagger is that, as a part of his conviction, Jack Swagger admitted to smoking marijuana before he left the WWE TV taping that he was arrested shortly after. THAT is why I do not want to see Jack Swagger compete at the WWE Money In The Back pay-per-view event/extravaganza. In fact, I want to see Jack Swagger be fired. If I, or most any other person who watches professional wrestling, admitted to what Jack Swagger admitted to, I would be fired and my employer would have just cause to do so.
Okay, since WWE pay-per-view events/extravaganzas cost $49.99, that leaves me approximately $280.92 for me to not spend.
I like golf. I like playing video games about golf. The Open Championships is coming up near the end of the month, and I feel like playing a video game about golf so that I can prepare myself for watching nearly eleven hours of golf coverage in the four days that The Open Championship will be held. Currently, the only current video game on consoles about golf is Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14. I could buy Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 on Playstation 3 for the low low not low price of $38.99. That is I COULD buy Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 for the low low not low price of $38.99 if I was spending money on things that I enjoy. So, after that purchase I will not be making, I have $241.93 for me to not spend.
In the future, I hope to have enough money to buy a Playstation 4. In the future, I hope that me putting money in the bank to buy a house will pay off in time for me to purchase a Playstation 4 at launch. Failing that, I hope to have paid off enough of my credit card debt so that I can purchase a Playstation 4 at launch while also being a responsible adult. $241.93 will greatly help toward that end. Sure it isn't the full amount I will need to purchase a Playstation 4, but stop your goddamn complaining. I'M TRYING!
So there it is, the list of things that I could be buying if I wasn't trying to be a responsible adult and saving money for a house. If this list was not enjoyable to you, don't worry, putting together this list was even more not enjoyable for me. It is my honest hope to be done with this series of blog posts in the very near future, but things rarely go well for me, so I expect this torture to go on for many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many years to come. Sigh.
Labels:
Asus,
Dead Pixel Live,
DerrickH,
Jack Swagger,
Laptop,
Moving In Slow Motion,
Newegg,
Payday,
Playstation 4,
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14,
Torture,
UFC,
WWE
Volume 11: Part 4- Vierdestad: Tuesday, October 25th, 3:00 P.M.
Tuesday, October 25th, 3:00 P.M.
I was on my way back to The Redford, taking the
very, very, very, very long way, when I noticed something interesting. As I looked around at all the opfers that
fill Vierdestad, I noticed a certain uniformity in all the men here. By that I mean all the men wear
uniforms. Specifically, military
uniforms similar to the one Captain Ushtar wears. The opfer women dress like women usually do,
and there is a wide variety of very nice clothes that the opfer women do
wear. However, all the opfer men wear
military uniforms. Weird.
Later.
Hato Shurtleff
Volume 11: Part 4- Vierdestad: Tuesday, October 25th, 1:32 P.M.
Tuesday, October 25th, 1:32 P.M.
When Ushtar pulled up to his fiancé's boutique, I
sincerely thought he had taken me to one of those stores the average man has no
business going into. I thought this was
the kind of place that men stand outside of while inside women look over the
great many silken undergarments that are only worn in secret and in seductive
moments. For a man to go into a boutique
like this, he must have no choice otherwise or possess no shame for succumbing
to his baser urges.
Captain Ushtar's fiancé is a girl named Grace
Stilen, and she runs Stilen's Silkenries.
This boutique mainly sells upscale fine woman's underwear, as well as
stylish shirts, pants, dresses, shoes, and perfume. Of course, you wouldn't know that if you just
looked at the front of the boutique. The
front window of the store contains mannequins and posters featuring some of the
upscale fine women's underwear that is sold in Stilen's Silkenries. These displays are usually appealing to most
men because most men like looking, even if just for a moment, at hot half naked
women.
Upon entering the boutique, we were met by three
moderately attractive women covering inventory, a well dressed, well manicured
man covering the counter, and Grace.
Grace is, in a word, stunning.
Grace's beauty rivals, or even exceeds, the models in the posters in the
front window of her store. Grace met me
with a kiss of each cheek, the effect of which nearly made me faint. With a tone of voice that equaled her beauty,
Grace said, "How are you, my darling?"
It was a good thing Ushtar answered first. If I had, that may have been embarrassing. "Fine, my dear. You?"
"Fabulous.
Who is this masculine specimen you're brought into my boutique?"
Again with the specimen talk. "I'm Hato."
Grace continued with her beautiful tone. "Hato, it's a pleasure to meet you. So, what brings you here? Are you one of those men who gets a rush from
the feel of silk on your body?"
I could feel myself blushing, I just hope it didn't
show that much. "No, I haven't
quite experienced that thrill. However,
I do see a number of things that Rinoa could slip right into."
The sound of woman's name caused Grace to just light
up. "Rinoa. Such an exquisite name. I bet you stay up at night just saying the
name of your lover."
And with that Grace touched a sore spot for me. "Well, uh- She isn't- Uh."
Thankfully, Ushtar stepped in at this point. "I made the same mistake, Grace
dear. Rinoa and Hato aren't together
like that."
Grace seemed genuinely sorry that she had said what
she said, and I believe her. I believe
her because, as a part of her apology, Grace walked over and hugged me. "Oh, I'm so sorry I made that
mistake. I'm sure there's a good opfer
woman out there for you." That
statement kind of touched a sore spot for me, but I let it go because Grace's
hug was so good. "So, Ushtar, why
did you bring Hato to me? I mean, I
don't have anything he might actually fit in, much less actually wear. Hato, did Ushie want to show you his train
collection?"
I stepped in to answer Grace's question. "Actually, Rinoa does need some
clothes. She gave me her measurements,
let me find them."
I took the paper Rinoa had given me and handed it to
Grace. She unfolded then looked at
it. Then Ushtar stood beside Grace and
looked at the paper. Then Grace's
employees, the three moderately attractive women and the well manicured man,
stood behind Grace and looked over her shoulders at the paper. Finally, Grace stopped looking at the paper
and spoke. "Judging from these
measurements, Rinoa certainly does match her exquisite name. Shopping for her ought to be a lot of
fun."
And it was a lot of fun. At least it would have been if I had any
sense as to what Rinoa wanted.
Throughout the shopping experience, Grace, Ushtar, and the four
employees kept on asking me if I thought this would be something Rinoa would
want. My constant response was "I
don't know, I really can't say." It
didn't matter what Grace had in stock, what color it was, what fabric it was,
what cut it was, how much skin it covered, how much skin it revealed, "I
don't know, I can't really say" was my response.
Finally, after going over every stitch of clothing
in her store, Grace told me to leave and not to come back unless I bring Rinoa
with me. After Grace told me this,
Ushtar joined his fiancé in demanding that I go get Rinoa and bring her back to
Stilen's Silkenries. That is what I am
doing now. At least that is what I
should be doing right now. Instead of
going right back to The Redford to get Rinoa, I got some lunch, did a couple of
light osher exercises, and started doing this journal entry. Now I'm nearly done with the journal entry
and I can't think of anything I want to do.
Now, I guess, I have to go to The Redford and talk to Rinoa. Damn.
Later.
Hato Shurtleff
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