Moving In Slow Motion: 48.3% Complete

Another payday is here, and another opportunity to inflict punishment on myself is also here.  That's right, this is another list of things that I could have bought if I wasn't putting fat stacks of sweaty cash in the bank in order to save for a house.  Unlike last time, this payday I don't have any major bills to pay, freeing up more money for me to not spend on things that will make me immediately happy.  After paying some small bills and factoring in other incidentals...

I have exactly $875.89 to not spend on myself.  So, let's see what I am not buying this payday.

In the past week, DerrickH, one of the hosts of the popular internet radio program Dead Pixel Live, decided to buy a whole new computer.  This decision was driven by his computer spontaneously shutting off when it was asked to do things.  Buying a new laptop has been on my to do list ever since my laptop started freezing up when it was asked to do things.  Driven by my desire and DerrickH's retail experience, I have decided to see how much computer I could buy for myself if I wasn't putting the money away for a purpose that I have to keep on telling myself will work out someday.  Again, this being a responsible adult shit had better work out someday.  And by someday, I mean soon.  And by soon, I mean RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Newegg.com is a place where people can buy computers, laptops, and other computer and laptop accessories.  There are many other places where people can buy computers, but Newegg has the added benefit of reminding users of the website of breakfast.  On Newegg, you can narrow your search to computers that fit into whatever their potential customer's budget is.  By utilizing this process, I was able to narrow down my search for potential laptops that I am not buying to a mere 711 products.  Not wanting to to try and pick the best from an amount more closely associated with a gas station, I decided to narrow my search further.  I won't go into the whole process I went through to narrow my search.  Why not try it for yourself and see the fun that you can have seeing all of the fun toys that you can buy and then explain to your wife why you bought a computer instead of food.

The laptop that I would like to purchase for myself if I wasn't putting money away for something that I swear will pay off someday is the 
ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook, pictured above.  This laptop has an Intel Core i7 2640M(2.80GHz), 8GB Memory, 750GB HDD 5400rpm, and other shit that I also do not understand.  What I do know is that this laptop is better than my current laptop, which also has a bunch of letter and numbers associated with it that I in no way understand.  Currently the ASUS U47A-BGR4 Notebook is selling for $494.99.  So, after that purchase that i will not be making, I have approximately $380.90 for me to not spend.

On Saturday July 6th, the day that people may actually read this post, the UFC is holding the appropriately named UFC 162.  UFC 162 will feature many sweaty half-naked men rolling around on top of eachother trying to assert their dominance over the other.  The main event of UFC 162 features Anderson Silva, who is the kind of man I wish I was but cannot be because I do not have the willpower to be a sexy athletic man who demands the respect of both men and women.  Also I cannot be Anderson Silva because I cannot afford the scientific device necessary to undergo the process of switching bodies with another person.  I can, however, afford the $49.99 it will take for me to watch UFC 162 on my Roku via the UFC.TV app.  That is I could afford it if I wasn't not spending money on things that I find to be enjoyable, and I find watching sweaty half-naked men rolling around on eachother enjoyable for reasons that I do not wish to go into right now.  So, after that purchase I will not be making, I have approximately $330.91 for me to not spend.

On July 14th, the WWE will hold their WWE Money In The Bank pay-per-view event/extravaganza.  I would very much like to see this event.  However, I very much do not want to see one of the participants in this event.

Recently, the wrestler known professionally as Jack Swagger was convicted of Driving While Intoxicated.  This arrest is not why I do not want to see Jack Swagger participate in the WWE Money In The Bank pay-per-view event/extravaganza   The reason that I do not want to see Jack Swagger is that, as a part of his conviction, Jack Swagger admitted to smoking marijuana before he left the WWE TV taping that he was arrested shortly after.  THAT is why I do not want to see Jack Swagger compete at the WWE Money In The Back pay-per-view event/extravaganza.   In fact, I want to see Jack Swagger be fired.  If I, or most any other person who watches professional wrestling, admitted to what Jack Swagger admitted to, I would be fired and my employer would have just cause to do so.

Okay, since WWE pay-per-view events/extravaganzas cost $49.99, that leaves me approximately $280.92 for me to not spend.

I like golf.  I like playing video games about golf.  The Open Championships is coming up near the end of the month, and I feel like playing a video game about golf so that I can prepare myself for watching nearly eleven hours of golf coverage in the four days that The Open Championship will be held.  Currently, the only current video game on consoles about golf is Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14.  I could buy Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 on Playstation 3 for the low low not low price of $38.99.  That is I COULD buy Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 for the low low not low price of $38.99 if I was spending money on things that I enjoy.  So, after that purchase I will not be making, I have $241.93 for me to not spend.

In the future, I hope to have enough money to buy a Playstation 4.  In the future, I hope that me putting money in the bank to buy a house will pay off in time for me to purchase a Playstation 4 at launch.  Failing that, I hope to have paid off enough of my credit card debt so that I can purchase a Playstation 4 at launch while also being a responsible adult.  $241.93 will greatly help toward that end.  Sure it isn't the full amount I will need to purchase a Playstation 4, but stop your goddamn complaining.  I'M TRYING!

So there it is, the list of things that I could be buying if I wasn't trying to be a responsible adult and saving money for a house.  If this list was not enjoyable to you, don't worry, putting together this list was even more not enjoyable for me.  It is my honest hope to be done with this series of blog posts in the very near future, but things rarely go well for me, so I expect this torture to go on for many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many years to come.  Sigh.

Funny Dog Violence

The All New All Games Radio Store!!!

 

For a while now, I have been an active member of the All Games Radio Community.  There are many podcasts on AGR that I listen to, including Dead Pixel Live, Electric SistaHood, R9Cast, and Cat & Fox.  I have chatted online with the hosts of these shows, and have thoroughly annoyed them, as I do people in all social situations.

For a while now, I have been hearing about a redesign of the All Games Radio site, which can be found at www.allgames.com.  On 1/1/13, the new site launched, and it contained something which a consumer whore like me can appreciate.

Welcome to The All New All Games Radio Store!!!  There are many things to buy on this store, including...

T-SHIRTS!!!  Yes, the all new All Games Radio T-shirts are in, featuring the all new All Games Radio logo, designed by the sexy, talented and sexy Esgee.

These shirts come in many different colours, from white and black to green and blue.  The price for all of the sizes are the same.  Which means you'll pay the same for the all new All Games Radio T-shirt, whether you are a small thing like Kitsune:

Or are as big as a house, like dblueguy:

 

So go buy things at The All New All Games Radio Store!!!  If you don't, I'll kill this puppy.

Now I have a chance and they don't.  There's an evil quality to that I can either embrace, rid myself of, or ignore.  For once, ignorance is good.

Volume 11 by Hunter Red.  Insert witty plug with a link at the end.

Get Money, Get Apologies, Get A TV Show, Get Old, Get Handsome

Get Money, Get Paid

So, I've been trying to get into a new crib for about eight months now.  I want to get into a new place so that I can craft the ultimate bachelor pad that will attract the honies like a homing beacon.  I've been getting my credit in order, putting money away, and selling my books so that I could start stacking that paper.  Once I do get that sweet sweet crib, I need to know how to put it together so that vagina panties will be hitting the floor.  That is why I am thankful for instructional videos like the one provided by MrChiCity3.  MrChiCity3, you da man, fo real.

Red Apologizes

I want to send my apologies to DerrickH and Loserly for calling into DPL700 then bailing, then calling in again only to bail again.  Unlike most occasions where I am taken away from the show, this was not due to my DSFUCKINGL being an impotent piece of shit.  Let me explain...

The first time I left was because a bounty hunter came pounding on my door.  He's looking for my sister's boyfriend which he thinks is me based on my sister and I sharing the same last name and looking nothing alike.  He came pounding on my door, I hung up to deal with his ass.  Again.  Hopefully, he'll get the message this time.

I had scheduled an appointment to meet with a life insurance agent to set up a policy.  This was the second person to come knocking on my door.  It's not that I had forgotten about the appointment, it's that I lost track of time.  I would have told the agent to come back another time, but the agent, Sharlene, was a woman who looked approximately like the person pictured above.  I thoroughly enjoyed talking to this woman.

A funny thing happened during the presentation the agent gave to me.  During a video she played about death expenses and how life insurance can pay for them, the announcer said something about grief.  He said, "Grief is hard."  I had to stifle my laughter when I heard that.

So, there's my reasons for my actions during DPL700.  These are not excuses, these are reasons.  Again, apologies to DerrickH and Loserly.  Hopefully the next time I call in my DSFUCKINGL will not fail and I will not fail.  Hopefully.

I Wholeheartedly Support This

I Am A Male Model

With the nomination of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan to be the Republican nominee for President and Vice President this week, a lot of questions have come up about this duo's background.  One of the most frequently asked questions is where did those two get those chiseled good looks and obvious poise.  These attributes are not inborn, they have to be taught to you.  So, where did Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan gain the expertise that made them such an attractive tandem?  The answer is that they went to the Handsome Boy Modeling School.

Founded by Prince Paul and Dan the Automator in 1999, Handsome Boy Modeling School is the only school in North America dedicated to the crafting of exquisite young male models.  For only $60, payable by check, you can learn the skills necessary to become the kind of man that is actively sought by the leading Balkan region fashion designers.

Graduates of the Handsome Boy Modeling School include such dynamic specimens of masculinity as Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, Tim Meadows, Mike Shinoda, RZA, Jack Johnson, and Father Guido Sarducci. 

Handsome Boy Modeling School: Not affiliated with Chris Elliot or Gingers.

Red Reviews Vita Sale Prices

Red Review: Hot Shots Golf: World Invitational (Vita)

 Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Journal when his phone begins to ring.

Hunter Red-  Hello?

5toz Orgy-  Hunter.

5toz Orgy is the security guard for The Official Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Hunter Red-  Hey Toz, what's up?

5toz Orgy-  There's a delivery here for you.

Hunter Red looks out of his office door and sees the General Secretary of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Liz, sitting at her desk working away.

Hunter Red-  Okay, why are you talking to me?  Liz deals with deliveries.

5toz Orgy-  It's not your typical delivery.

Hunter Red-  What is it?

5toz Orgy-  It's a woman.

Hunter Red-  A woman?

5toz Orgy-  Yes.

Hunter Red-  Allright, I'll be right down.

Hunter Red leaves his office and goes downstairs to where 5toz Orgy's security stand is at.  There he sees this woman.

Hunter Red looks at this woman then talks to 5toz Orgy.

Hunter Red-  Is this the delivery?

5toz Orgy-  Yes.

Hunter Red-  Who sent her.

5toz Orgy-  I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?

Hunter Red then begins to talk to the woman.

Hunter Red-  Hi.  I'm Hunter.  5toz tells me you're here to see me.

Natalie Gulbis-  Hi.  I'm Natalie Gulbis.  Clap Hands sent me.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  Why did they send you here?

Natalie Gulbis-  To play golf.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  I left my clubs at home, but I can go and get them.

Natalie Gulbis-  Okay, I can wait.

Hunter Red-  Okay, I'll be right back.

Natalie Gulbis-  Wait, before you go, I need you to do something first.

Hunter Red-  What's that?

Natalie Gulbis-  Dress me.

Hunter Red doesn't know quite what to make of this comment.

Hunter Red-  What?

Natalie Gulbis-  Dress me.  There are many styles and colours of clothes from you to choose form, but the choice is up to you.  Dress me.

Hunter Red still doesn't know what to make of this.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  I'm going to talk to my friend first before I make my decision.

Natalie Gulbis-  Okay.  I'll be waiting.

Hunter Red begins to talk again to 5toz Orgy.

Hunter Red-  Is this real?

5toz Orgy-  What do you mean?

Hunter Red-  Is this real?  Am I being setup?  Is this some sort of candid camera setup?

5toz Orgy-  No.  Why do you ask?

Hunter Red-  An amazingly attractive woman wants to play golf with me but is asking me to choose the kind of clothes she will wear first.  This does not happen in real life.  So, I want to know if this is real.

5toz Orgy-  There is one way to tell.

Hunter Red-  What's that?

5toz Orgy punches Hunter Red in the face.

Hunter Red-  Ow!  What was that for?

5toz Orgy-  Do you feel pain?

Hunter Red-  Yes, I feel pain!  You fucking punched me.

5toz Orgy-  The sensation of pain means that you are not dreaming.

Hunter Red-  I asked if this was a setup, not if it was a dream.

5toz Orgy-  Oh.  Sorry brother.

5toz Orgy looks at Natalie Gulbis still patiently waiting for Hunter Red.

5toz Orgy-  Why don't you just go with it?

Hunter Red-  What do you mean?

5toz Orgy-  Just go with it.  Don't do anything really creepy if it is a setup, but if it is real, wouldn't it be awesome?

Hunter Red looks at Natalie Gulbis, then talks to 5toz Orgy again.

Hunter Red-  Allright.  I'll go along with this.  Although, the only time I am in any way good at golf is when I play it in video game form.

5toz Orgy-  Can I come too?

Hunter Red-  I don't know.  I might have to buy a pass to do multiplayer.

5toz Orgy-  What?  That is such bullshit.

Hunter Red-  Dude, you get to play with her.

5toz Orgy looks at Natalie Gulbis again.

5toz Orgy-  I'm in.

END SCENE

 Hot Shots Golf: World Invitational (Vita): A

Hey!

 For the past little while, I've been contributing news to Dead Pixel Live: Loserly Edition.  One of the weeks I submitted news included a news story of several Vita titles that were to be released.  One of these titles was Michael Jackson: The Experience HD.  When this story was read on DPL:LE, I googled this game.  Among the things I found was a listing for Michael Jackson: The Experience HD on iTunes for $4.99.  The iTunes game appears to be the same as the Vita version, except for one key difference.  The Vita version sells for $39.99.  After seeing this, I decided to see if other Vita titles received similar treatment.

All prices listed are for new titles, if available.

Ben 10: Galactic Racing

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $29.99

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift II Plus

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $20.

Vita Price: $39.99

F1 2011

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $39.99

FIFA Soccer

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $39.99

Rayman Origins

Available on PlayStation 3, Wii, Xbox 360, PlayStation Vita, Nintendo 3DS and Microsoft Windows.

AmazonListing For Rayman Origins

Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3

Available on PS3, Xbox 360, and Vita

PS3 Price:  $39.99

Xbox 360 Price:  $39.99

Vita Price:  $39.99

Virtua Tennis 4

Available on PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows, Wii and PlayStation Vita.

AmazonListing for Virtua Tennis 4

****- The Dark Humor Of Distict 9's Religious Podcasts

Red Finds Religion (No, I am not high)

I know that for years I have publically declared myself to be an Atheist. This is because I am an Atheist. However, despite being an Atheist, I still go to church. I know church and atheism don’t exactly mix but neither does Rammstein and Jack Johnson, except to me.

There’s one particular church I’ve been going to for many years now. There are many branches of this church nationwide and I’m fairly sure you’ve been in or at least drove past one if not many. I started going to the branch of this church that was located in downtown Salt Lake City. It was on my way to work, it was in a good location, and the air conditioning in this branch was top notch. I soon found that there was another branch closer to my home, but that branch wasn’t convenient to me so I kept going to the branch downtown.

Eventually I stopped going to that branch for two reasons. One: My work moved to a different location and my commute no longer took me downtown. Two: The powers that be decided to demolish two city blocks, including the location of the branch I was going to. I tried going to the branch near my house but another powers that be decided to do away with that branch. The nearest branch of my church to me required a lengthy drive to get there. I still went but only on holidays and when I felt really bad about myself.

Then I learned there was a branch closer to my home, and I was happy. I went there often, really quite often, and gained a greater and more complete connection with my church. Then I learned that a building down the street from my house was being converted into a branch of my church and I was euphoric. In my euphoria a question came to my mind: Is it correct to call individual locations of my church “branches”? I posed this question to the manager of the church location I currently frequent. Her response:

“This isn’t a church, it’s a Chick-Fil-A restaurant.”



The Ultimate Fuck You

Since its inclusion, people have been wondering why a demo for God Of War 3 was included in the Blu-ray release of District 9. These questions have honestly astounded me as the answer is one that came to me quite easily. Allow me now to explain why the God Of War 3 demo was included with District 9.

Upon the death of the Peter Jackson produced Halo movie project, the seed money for that project was directed toward another project director Neil Blomkaph(?) wanted to do. That was District 9.

District 9 was released by Tristar Pictures, which is owned by Sony. Halo, for the uninitiated, is a franchise exclusive to the Xbox 360 and is owned by Microsoft. Microsoft and Sony are rivals, at least as far as video games goes.

District 9 made over $200 Million at the box office, for Sony. It could be reasonably said that Sony took the seed money from a failed Microsoft property and made a fuckton of cash from it.

You would think that would be the ultimate middle finger or fuck you by Sony to Microsoft but that would be wrong. The ultimate fuck you would be for Sony to make a fuckton of cash off a failed Microsoft property, then, upon releasing the movie on Blu-ray, pairing the fuckton of cash generator with a demo for one of their exclusive elite gaming franchises in order to create the buzz that will enable that game to make another fuckton of cash for Sony.

So there you have your explanation. The demo for God Of War 3 is included in the Blu-ray of District 9 as an ultimate fuck you by Sony to Microsoft. Whether that gesture is in fact the ultimate fuck you has yet to be determined, but one thing is certain. The God Of War 3 demo is a delectable vertical slice but I want to see more.



The Nude Security Theater

Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in line at security at the Salt Lake City International Airport. They are going through the screening process before embarking on their trip to New York City. The camera shows Hunter and Robin from about the neck up.
Robin- (In a clearly annoyed tone of voice) I can’t believe you.
Hunter- What?
R- I can’t believe you are actually doing this.
H- I told you I was going to show up to the airport like this.
R- But I thought you were joking like you do about most things.
The camera shot changes to a full body shot of Hunter and Robin, revealing that Hunter is fully nude. The camera snaps back before delivery of the next line.
H- Why do you think I took that long shower before we left?
R- I assumed you were pleasuring yourself.
H- Robin, I have you, I have no need to masturbate.
R- I’d kiss you if your weren’t presently annoying me.
TSA Agent- Step forward sit.
Hunter steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Hunter is also wanded for some reason.
TSA Agent- Sir, you’ve been selected to undergo secondary screening.
Hunter- I have?
TSA Agent- yes.
H- Why?
TSA Agent- The computer said so.
H- Well, is the computer factoring in my nudeness?
TSA Agent- Sir, if you don’t follow my instructions, I am authorized to subdue and detain you.
Hunter looks back at Robin then turns back and says-
H- Okay, but the next time I fly I’m removing me skin.
A second TSA Agent takes Hunter off camera.
TSA Agent- Miss, step forward please.
Robin steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Robin is then wanded by the TSA Agent.
TSA Agent- Miss, you’ve been selected to undergo an additional patdown.
Robin- Okay, where do you want me to go?
TSA Agent- Just stand right there with your arms straight out to your side.
Robin does as she’s directed and the TSA Agent begins the patdown. The TSA Agent does a normal patdown then does a second pass, running his hands slowly along the areas of Robin’s body that are covered by her underwear. As the TSA Agent is doing this, Robin’s disposition changes form happy to slightly sullen.
TSA Agent- Okay, you’re clear. You can go on through.
Robin- (Hesitantly and clearly shaken) Thank you.
Robin walks forward and is met by Hunter coming out of his secondary screening. Hunter looks at Robin and says-
Hunter- Are you okay?
Robin- Hunter, what did they do to you?
H- They put me in a machine and blew air on me. Why, what happened to you?
R- The TSA Agent gave me a patdown and… groped me.
H- He- he groped you?
Robin nods her head, having tears in her eyes as she does so. Robin then puts her arms around Hunter and begins to cry softly. Hunter looks at the TSA Agent and says-
H- Security and safety are important things, but you really cannot cross the line like that. What you did is wrong, just plain wrong.
Hunter puts his arms around Robin and comforts her as the scene ends.

THE END



The Logoriffic Linkfest!

Here is a list of the podcasts I listen to. Yay.

Radio From Hell

Dead Pixel Live

Countdown With Keith Olberman

Orange Lounge Radio

The Geek Show Podcast

Electric Sista Hood

TQCast

The Mediocre Show

Major Nelson Radio

The Bobby Blackwolf Show