MGS 4: Gimps of the Patriots

On a yearly, quarterly, or monthly basis, corporations make known to the public how much revenue they are making. This is how we know Exxon makes more money than god, that Sirius and XM Satellite Radio are hemorrhaging money, and that the Redertainment Corporation of America is using its revenue to club baby seals. This is also how we know how much adult novelty sites make off the products we use to make each other very, very happy, or very, very ashamed.

One of these sites is Ultimategimpmasks.com. In the previous seven quarters, Ultimategimpmasks.com had lost a total of fifteen million dollars. However, in the last quarter, mostly through sales and ads on the site, this seller of adult sexual aids made 1.27 billion dollars. When asked about why they have made so much money in such a short amount of time, Ultimategimpmasks.com credits this to an uptick in the sales of full body black leather gimp suits with full coverage masks. Although they would not give specifics on their customers, they did say that most of their new customers have interests in video games, snakes, and cigarettes. Based on this information, many people are speculating that Ultimategimpmasks.com's success can be attributed to Metal Gear Solid 4 and Old Snake. Either that, or Hank Azaria.



When reached for comment about this story, Metal Gear Solid 4 producer Hideo Kojima said, "It does not surprise me that this effect has taken place. Many different kinds of people produced and consume my projects, including people who like to get freaky. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remove this painful butt plug."

Metal Gear Solid 4 is not just a gold mine for Ultimategimpmasks.com, but also for the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC), because now they have something new to bitch about. FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said, "This is a clear sign of the persistent perversion that runs through all video games, and all people connected with video games. I call on all people to send all copies of MGS4 to us so that we can send this filth straight to hell. Just don't ask what we actually do with what people send us."

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is expected to continue selling strongly despite the best efforts of the FVGAC. It is also expected to sell even stronger in parts of the country that are extremely sexually repressed. These areas include Provo, Utah, Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Lexington, Virginia.

Is The Club A Recruitment Tool

On August 6th the American Civil Liberties Union made their objections to America's Army known to the public. In my search for more information on this story, I stumbled across something incredibly interesting. The FBI, INTERPOL and Torchwood are investigating Sega for possible connections to SUIAC.

Public details on SUIAC are few and far between, however a confidential source inside the Department of Justice has provided me with a great deal of information on this organization. SUIAC, or Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective, is an organization based in Geneva, Switzerland, but with offices in London, New York, Bangkok, and Moscow. SUIAC members are generally wealthy aristocrats who are not in the public eye. Very little is known about the identities of members, but they are reported to have great influence in the fields of photography, chemicles, and private technologies.

SUIAC specializes in setting up events that feature activities that are illegal in most jurisdictions. These activities include fights to the death, human hunts, sexual relations with minors, and trepanation. These events are usually very expensive, arduous to get to, and a closely guarded secret. However, in recent years, attendance in SUIAC events have gone down. Because of this, the Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective have been secretly recruiting new members. Torchwood believes that The Club is the most public of the recruitment drives. A secret memo from the desk of Torchwood cheif Captain Jack Harkness says, "because of leads gained from the discovery of The Club recruitment drive, we are very close to shutting down SUIAC for good."

No charges have been filed in connection with the joint investigation into the Secret Underground Illegal Acts Collective. However, I have been made aware of the next SUIAC event. It will take place on September 27th at Usana Amphitheater, West Valley City, Utah. Rumored participants in this event include Gregori Chad Petree, JT Woodruff, and Andrew McMahon.

George Speaks On Georgia, 8/11/08

Check out this video of Pres. Bush speaking about the conflict in Georgia on 8/11/08.



George clearly flubs his lines on three occasions. At the :15 mark, he repeats "Georgia" as he mentions the Russian threat against the Georgian capital. At the :52 mark, he speaks about Russia's intentions to dispose Russia's democratically elected government. At the 2:19 mark he repeats the line "Russia's relations".

I understand that we are not all perfect public speakers, but I have long since had enough of this. Can't George complete even a two and a half minute speech without embarrassing himself? Cant we get a guy into office who can articulate himself half-way decently? Can't we get a guy into office who doesn't embarrass himself and our country whenever he's on a world stage. Can't we get a guy into office who is worthy of the respect that is given to the President Of The United States?

Barack Obama's Official Website

Stabby Simpson Sues

After news broke of Jim Brown filing a lawsuit against EA and Sony over use of his likeness, another Hall Of Fame running back announced a lawsuit of his own. Orenthal James Simpson, known to his friends as "Stabby", has announced that he will be suing Ubisoft and Crytek for use of his image in the video game Far Cry.



Stabby Simpson is alledging that the central character in Far Cry, identified as Jack Carver, is obviously based on him. He's using a video of Jack whipping out a switchblade and stabbing a guy in the back as evidence for this case. In legal briefs filed Tuesday, Mr. Simpson said the following in a legal affidavit:

"When I saw this game in action I got an instant hard on. I believe this happened for two reasons. One: This game allows you to stab lots of people, and I absolutely love to sue people. Two: The main character not only gets away with but is actually encouraged to stab a seemingly endless supply of people. I identified with this character right away."

Other lawsuits of a similar nature have been announced. These include:


Random Black Guy #5 suing Epic over Gears of War and Augustus Cole.



Samuel L. Jackson is suing every video game company over his image being used for every cool black character that has ever appeared in any video game ever.


Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Mary-Kate Olsen are suing Rockstar over their image being used for the prostitutes in GTA4.



The women of The View are suing Konami over the sick, twisted, deranged, homicidal female bosses in MGS4.


And finally, Sean Hannity, Jack Thompson, Michael Savage, and Scott McClellan, are all suing The Redertainment Corporation Of America over the recently annouced game Bitch Slap Douchebags.

Stabby Simpson's lawsuit is scheduled to go to trial next year, but that nay change depending on how his currently pending criminal trial plays out. One this is clear thought, lawyers who have no problem filing baseless, frivolous lawsuits stand to make a truckload of hot, sweaty cash.