Smoking Spam And Perry Como

The Creative Process At Happy Madison

At a meeting in an office in Culver City, California, higher executives at Happy Madison Productions meet for another meeting to brainstorm ideas for their next project. These people are Adam Sandler, Barry Bernardi, Allan Covert and Tim Herlihy. They meet around a large table with a certain object in the center, pictured below.

The star of Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler, sits at the head of the table and begins the meeting.

Adam Sandler- Okay fellas, we've had a lot of success lately, made a ton of dough, but now the time has come to come up with another blockbuster idea.

The other people around the table nod and make noises affirming what Mr. Sandler just said. Adam pushes a button on the intercom sitting in front of him and says-

Adam Sandler- Steven, would you bring in the happy lettuce?

An intern, Steven, enters the room carrying a large bag filled with what appears to be oregano. However, what is in the bag is not oregano. Steven begins loading the "oregano" into the object at the center of the table and lights it. The intern leaves the room as three of the executives, all but Sandler, begin to breathe deeply from the object at the center of the table.

Adam Sandler- Okay guys, let's brainstorm.

Barry Bernardi takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Barry Bernardi- What if we do a movie where you are talking care of a kid, but it's not your kid, it's John Stewart's kid.

Adam looks at Barry and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that already, it's called Big Daddy.

Allan Covert takes a drag rom the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Allan Covert- What if we do a movie where you inherit a fuckton of money and bang Wynona Rider.

Adam looks at Barry and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that already, it's called Mr. Deeds.

Tim Herlihy takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Tim Herlihy- What if you play a hockey player who plays golf!

Adam looks at Tim and says-

Adam Sandler- We did that movie, in fact YOU WROTE IT.

Barry takes another drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Barry Bernardi- What if you marry Kevin James.

Adam looks at Barry with hate in his eyes and yells-

Adam Sandler- We did that movie already and nobody saw it!
Barry Bernardi- No, I mean just doing it. It's legal now in New York, Conan just got married there.
Adam Sandler- No, he just performed a marriage there. Come on guys, we've got to come up with a good idea.
Tim Herlihy- Why?
Adam Sandler- Why? Why! I'm tired of being a laughing stock!
Allan Covert- Why?
Adam Sandler- Because I want to be a respected actor.
Barry Bernardi- Why?
Adam Sandler- Are you people too high to ask any other questions?

There is a short pause.

Tim Herlihy- I'm not.
Adam Sandler- Then contribute to this discussion beyond just asking why.
Tim Herlihy- Okay, but first-

Tim takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano", then speaks.

Tim Herlihy- Man, that's good. Anyway, why do you want to make respectable films? All of the movies that Happy Madison has produced have been panned by critics, but that hasn't stopped them from making money. Every project we've greenlight has made money hand over fist. Why stop now?
Adam Sandler- Should we not be more concerned about making good quality films rather than making money?
Tim Herlihy- Rather than making money?
Adam Sandler- Yes.
Allan Covert- Dude, aren't you a registered Republican?

Adam takes a second before he answers.

Adam Sandler- Yes.
Barry Bernardi- Dude, that's sick!
Tim Herlihy- Adam, what is the driving force of the Republican Party?

Adam takes a second before he answers.

Adam Sandler- Money.
Tim Herlihy- Yes, making fat stacks of sweaty cash, even if that comes at the great loss of quality.
Adam Sandler- So?
Barry Bernardi- Don't you want to be a good Republican?

Adam thinks for a moment. Then he takes a drag from the object containing the "oregano" and says-

Adam Sandler- I guess you're right. Okay, how about this, there's a movie about a brother and sister who fight a lot, except I play both the brother and the sister. And we cast Al Pachino and make a lot of inside Hollywood jokes!

All the people around the table shout "Brilliant" as they begin to go through the process of producing Adam's new Hollywood movie idea, as well as smoking the rest of their "oregano".



END SCENE



The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Rodger Red

Job Title:
Owner, President, and Chief Executive Officer of The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

We didn't have TV when I was a kid. We barely had radio.

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met President Harding when I was just out of college. I said hello to him and he screamed at me to get him a goddamn drink.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

Is there a best of the Perry Como Show CD?

Where do you wish to retire?

I'll retire when I'm dead. Even then, I'll probably still be working.

What is your favorite novel or author?

I remember reading C.S. Lewis's Narnia series when it was released. Tolkien is nothing compared to Lewis.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

I'd like to visit Monaco again. The place has never been the same since Princess Grace died.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I already have a million dollars.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I ALREADY HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!!!



Hello Stranger, Hunter Red

You remember or not, but Hunter Red is here

I am only 28 years old
If you still remember, we met in a mall a week ago
That was quite offensive, but I got book for you from my naughty sale
You can download it from Amazon, you will like the girls there!
Priest science blue
Liquid care gate knot correspondent

If you want, we can repeat it anytime. Bye!

Review Of An Infamous Film

Review: A Serbian Film

Just before Valentine's Day of this year, I watched I Spit On Your Grave, the review of which turned into a fitting blog post for how I was feeling at the time. Shortly thereafter, I made plans in my mind to do a similar thing with a film that had the reputation of being more grotesque than I Spit On Your Grave the following Valentine's Day. This was a film that, I thought, would require me to scour bittorrent sties to find a good, clean download of this film in a format I could readily play on my laptop.

On October 29th, 2011 that changed. While watching a clip from Attack Of The Show on Hulu, I learned that this film is available, legally and legitimately. After a search on Amazon, I found that this film was available on one day delivery in a price range that fit into my budget. This is why I bought and watched A Serbian Film. Don't believe me?

For the first part of the film, I didn't see anything of a nature that I hadn't seen in film before. Sure this film was about porn stars filming a pornographic movie, so some lines were crossed, but nothing that I wasn't prepared for or had not seen before. Then, at about forty-five minutes, I saw something I hadn't seen in a legitimate piece of cinema before. A man orgasming on a woman's face. This is something I had seen in pornography many times throughout the years, never once had I seen it in a cinematic film. After that, the film seemed to go downhill, something which was not unexpected. Let me explain.

I had an discussion once with a fellow writer in a writing class I took in college where I studied writing. In this discussion, it was my viewpoint that in order for a low point to have more effect you needed to start in a high point, or at least ramp up to a high before you hit the low. This makes the low point that you achieve have more of an impact, much like a rollercoaster. However, the fellow writer I was having a discussion with disagreed with me. He felt it was important to start low and to go lower, thereby reflecting the world as he saw it. Watching A Serbian Film reminded me of this discussion.

There was a great opportunity in this film to build up to a high point before hitting the low, and then hitting the other low, and then hitting the low below the low that you just hit. However, the makers of A Serbian Film failed to capitalize on this opportunity to make their low have more of an impact, due in part to the music that is played throughout this film.

The Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile is known for being littered with tracks that, in the years since it's release, have been used in trailers for movies such as 300, Terminator: Salvation, and The Avengers. The Fragile is also known for something else: Being really uncomfortable to listen to. The music in The Fragile sounds like something out of a dreary, grotesque, depressing, uncomfortable to watch horror film. The music in The Fragile reminds me of the music that fills A Serbian Film, except taken to a further step. The music in A Serbian Film sets the mood of a dark, dank, disgusting location where hope goes to die. The problem is that if you are trying to convey characters that have some sort of optimism in their lives you don't want to use music like that. Of course if the filmmakers had tried to convey such a optimistic viewpoint, audiences may have walked away form this film with the impression that the filmmakers were trying to fuck with them. This is due to all of the things that happen in A Serbian Film after the forty-five minute point.

There was some time after I played Silent Hill 3 that I refused to lend that game to anyone. This was due to the horrific images that I saw in that game, images that changed the way that I consume survival horror games. A Serbian Film may take that place in my library of movies. I may not even acknowledge that I own it after this. After the forty-five minute point, there are many scenes involving sex, murder, rape, and blood that will shock the normal viewer. This is where A Serbian Film earns it's reputation in spades. There are many scenes that I dare not describe, but there is one climatic scene that I can vaguely describe.



Have you ever heard the infamous and legendary joke The Aristocrats? Have you ever heard anyone tell that joke in a way that just revels in the disgusting nature of that joke? Well, there is a scene in A Serbian Film that resembles that joke, but this scene is not played for jokes. Not at all. This scene also incorporates blood, murder, and eye fucking. Yes, I'm not kidding, eye fucking. This scene, the scene that involves eye fucking, is not the most obscene scene in the film, but it is one of the more explicit ones.

I don't know how to accurately sum up A Serbian Film. While I can say that I did not enjoy watching this film, the film does contain a certain draw to me after having seen it. There is a part of me that, as a writer, wants to know the depths of human depravity so that I can reproduce it and convey it to readers of my work. However, if you do not have such a drive inside you, I can not suggest A Serbian Film to you. If you do watch A Serbian Film, let me give you this bit of advice: Watch it sober, while not eating anything, and, if you can, watch it alone. Much like any good pornographic movie out there, I would feel uncomfortable watching A Serbian Film with another person in the room.

Spotlight On The Sale Of Occupy Valve

Are You Just Making Up Stuff?

At a TechNW panel, Gabe Newell has explained the string of pricing experiments that resulted in the recognition of something Mr. Newell calls "time-shifting revenue". Newell explained that these experiments were conducted by Steam first lowering prices on certain games without telling people about it. Then, Steam lowered prices on certain games, told people about it, then saw better results. In summation, Steam lowered prices without telling people about it, then lowered prices while telling people about it, and claim that the resulting increased results is due to "time-shifting revenue".

I beg to differ. What Gabe Newell just demonstrated is the power of advertising. If you don't tell people that a price is lower, a low amount of people are going to know the price is lower, thereby stunting how many people will take advantage of the lower price. However, if you lower prices then tell people about it, more people are going to know about it, enabling more people to take advantage of the lower price. The difference in the two situations is that YOU TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT IT. YOU ENGAGED IN ADVERTISING!!!

As Judge Judith Sheindlin says, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining." Valve, don't make up impressive sounding terms to try to make yourself sound better than you actually are. Doing so just insults the public that you are trying to sell games to, and people do not like being insulted. Also, get to work on Half-Life 3. If I release Project Journal before a real teaser trailer for Half-Life 3 is released, I call on gamers to #OccupyValve.



The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Liz

Job Title:
General Executive Secretary for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

The Monkees

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met Bono in Ireland before he was famous. At least I think it was Bono. At the very least, I met an pompous Irish asshole in a pub while I was on vacation.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The audio version of How To Craft A Boat To Get Yourself Off A Desert Island.

Where do you wish to retire?

Somewhere where I could be with my grandkids.

What is your favorite novel or author?

I tend to read a lot of romance novels. I base my purchase on the hunkiness of the guy on the cover and not person who wrote it.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

Where my grandkids are right now.

What would you do with a million dollars?

Retire and spend my days sleeping and playing with my grandchildren and sleeping.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have a tattoo that only my husband has seen.



SALE SALE SALE SALE!!!

In recognition of the birth of television icon Kelly Osbourne, we here at The Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to announce our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale! Yes, come celebrate the birthday of fashion opinionist and rumored lap-band surgery recipient Kelly Osbourne and take advantage of deals on all the products offered for sale by The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Were you contemplating buying Hunter Red's The Black Robin Christmas Carol on Kindle, but were too much of a cheapskate to buy it when it was only $3? Well, now you can stop being such a damn cheapskate, because The Black Robin Christmas Carole on Kindle is now only $1. That's right, one dollar, in the only currency that matters, American currency.

In fact, all of Hunter Red's book currently available on Kindle, and the way lesser known and highly irrelevant Nook, have been reduced to $1. You can get The Hawk, The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, and The Black Robin Christmas Carol now for only a dollar a piece. That's 66% off the previous price!

Now, what if you are an old fart that insists on sticking to physical media. Well, fear not you old, old, old, OLD person. You too can get in on the savings!

The physical versions of Hunter Red's works currently up for sale on Amazon.com have been reduced from $7 to only $5.40. That just over 22% off the already low prices!

So buy all of the products currently available from The Redertainment Corporation Of America during our Forty-sixth Annual Time-shifting Revenue Sale. These deals won't last long, unless Mr. Red doesn't bother to raise the prices back to the previous level. And remember, if you don't take advantage of these deals, Kelly Osbourne will hate you.

Spotlight On The Fact That I'm Awesome

Kids, Google Andy Rooney

On October 2, 2011, commentator Andy Rooney delivered his final commentary at the end of 60 Minutes, capping a thirty-three career in television. In his final commentary, Mr. Rooney stated that he does not plan to retire, for writers never really retire. Instead, Mr. Rooney will continue to write commentaries on everyday life. What follows is the first commentary Mr. Rooney wrote in his post-60 Minutes career.

Over the past couple of months, in preparation for my exit from 60 Minutes, I've been thinking over my career and the many things I have done. A certain sense of awe sets in when I think of all the people, in all the parts of the word, that have heard my words. Not many writers can claim to have had such influence over people for such a long period of time. Whether they agree or disagree with me, they at least heard me, and they heard me for a long time.

If I allow myself to set aside any sense of humility, when I think of the broad scope of my career, I can only come to one conclusion. I, Andy Rooney, am awesome. I am one of the most awesome writers living today. I'm pretty sure that, even if I never write another word again, my intense awesomeness is something not many people can top.

I'm certainly more awesome than most of the young writers of today. Most of those writers are too concerned with commercial success or the "artistic pursuit" to even come close to my grand awesomeness. Many of the young writers are too concerned with peppering their work with swear words to be concerned with being awesome, like I clearly am. I worked for years without swearing, making my awesomeness even larger. There are writers out there who's work is awash in swearing and explicit content. One such author that stick out in my mind is Nicholson Baker, prick.

As I age, some would argue that my awesomeness has diminished, but I don't feel that to be so. The fact is that my awesomeness is just as large and prevalent as it has ever been, and will continue to be so. However, with my departure from 60 Minutes, my awesomeness is transitioning to another form. Perhaps my awesomeness will become even larger as a gain a presence online. That is, if I ever figure out how to turn my computer on.



The Redertainment Corporation Of America Employee Spotlight: Julia Diana Bobbi

Job Title:
Host/Interviewer for The Redertainment Corporation Of America

What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers and Winnie the Pooh

Have you ever met a famous person? Who?

I met President Thomas S. Monson once. He was nice.

If you were alone on a island with one CD, who's would it be?

The Sounds. I just love all their stuff. It's bouncy and happy and filled with fun!

Where do you wish to retire?

The only plans I have for retirement is to serve a mission with my future husband.

What is your favorite novel or author?

Chris Heimerdinger. Either him or Nephi.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

The Temple. I can see it from my office everyday and want desperately to stroll around inside it.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I'd launch my own Mormon themed podcast. Sure there are a ton of those out there, but there's always room for more.

Please add one fun fact about yourself.

I have read the Book Of Mormon once a year, every year, since I was nine.