Dear Drew Magary

Dear Drew Magary, 

What's The Worst State In The Union To Get Drunk In?

You make a list of the worst states to get drunk in and don't mention Utah? The complaints you make against Pennsylvania are especially true about Utah. Hell, the only reason I go to Wyoming is to get good beer and fireworks. Look up something called the "Zion Curtain". I bet you don't have anything close to that in Pennsylvania, or anyplace else where alcohol laws are driven by logic instead of legislators thinking it's their role to act as the populace's fathers.

Things I Am And Am Not Comfortable With

ABC says Elizabeth Vargas is in alcohol rehab

I'm not exactly okay with this being a news story.  People undergoing treatment for drug abuse should be able to do without having random people who don't have their best interest at heart knowing about it.  Yes, Elizabeth Vargas is a well known person, but don't we all have a right to privacy, especially when we are undergoing the most troubling times in our lives?

Breasts Age Faster Than Faces! 5 Tit Tips To Help Stem Sag

I am, however, completely okay with this being a news story.

I Have A List

As Federal Shutdown Ends, Utah Lawmakers Bogged Down Over $0.00029 Tax Increase

In the article linked above, the people who claim to represent the people of Utah are mulling over a increase in the already high amount of taxes that people pay on alcohol.  One of the reasons why taxes on alcohol are so high is to dissuade consumption of alcohol.  What the people who claim to represent the people of Utah don't realize is that there is a growing number of people in Utah who are using alcohol as a way to rage against the man.  They are drinking alcohol, not because they enjoy the taste or the aftereffects of drinking alcoholic beverages, but rather to stick up a middle finger to the people who seek to control their behavior.  One of those people is me.

The picture above is an example of me raging out against the man.  I even wrote a blog post about it.  In fact, I'm drunk while writing this blog post, and I am only drunk to spite John Valentine.  In the next couple of weeks, I plan to go forth with a plan to rage out against the man again in very specific ways.  How to I plan to do this?

Utah brewers bring home 5 medals from Denver Beer Fest

Hoppers Grill and Brewing Co.

Wasatch Brew Pub and Brewery

Squatters Pubs and Beers

Red Rock Brewery

Uinta Brewing

I have a list.

Moving In Slow Motion: 56.4% Complete

So another payday is here, and, due to rent and other obligations, I have a limited amount of money for me to not spend on myself in pursuit of Project Buy A House.  Okay, let's do the calculations.

$371.72, which is a bit more than I was expecting.

Over the past week or so, I been writing a lot of poetry.  Writing poetry means only one thing for me...

I'm not happy.  Rather than find true solutions, or overdose on writing poetry so I can be done with my feelings, I want to put distance between my conscious mind and my feelings.  This can be done with the application of one thing...

ALCOHOL!
So, let's see what kind of hooch $371.72 will buy me.

You know, I've never had a good bottle of champagne.  I've never had an occasion to drink a good bottle of champagne.  I don't have a good occasion to drink champagne now, but the price of this Krug Brut Rose Champagne is just right, and champagne does have alcohol in it, and alcoholic is the beverage I want right now.  The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is currently selling a 750ml bottle of Krug Brut Rose Champagne for $367.89.  This would be just the right price for me to spend on something to console myself with if I was spending money on things to console myself with.  So, that leaves me with $3.83 for me to not spend on myself.

Halloween is coming up, and it's time for me to think about music for that party that I'm not hosting because parties cost money.  Also, no one wants to party at my place.  It's not that my place is bad, the location is bad because I live adjacent to the bad part of town.  If I was buying music for the party I'm not holding, I could buy Halloween Party Music by The Ghost Doctors.  You know that this is party music for Halloween because it is named Halloween Party Music.  Halloween Party Music by The Ghost Doctors is currently selling for $2.60.  This leaves me with $1.23 for me to not spend on myself.

I remember watching Homeward Bound as a kid.  Okay, to be true, I remember my sister subjecting me to this movie and me being forced to watch it because I had picked the last time and I couldn't convince my sister to watch Demolition Man again.  Currently a VHS copy of  Homeward Bound is being sold for $1.10.  This leaves me with $0.13 for me to not spend on myself.  Surely I should stop here because there is no way I can find something being sold online for thirteen cents!

And yet I did, and it's not crap!  Currently, somehow, Suzanne Collins's book The Hunger Games is selling for $0.12.  This leaves me with $0.01 for me to not spend on myself, and here I should stop, because there's no way I can find something worth buying for one cent!...... and I didn't, but man that was fun.  Almost as much fun as I bet drinking that entire bottle of champagne is.  Join me in two weeks as I torture myself once again with things that I cannot buy as a pursue Project Buy A House.  Who knows, one day this list might actually feature a house!

Moving In Slow Motion: 46.9% Complete

It's that time again.  Once again payday has come, and time has come to see how much money I've earned, how much of what I've made gets eaten up by bills, and how much money I have to not spend in the pursuit of Project Buy A House.  The calculations are in, and the amount I have to not play around with is...

$228.39.  Okay, that is a nice amount, and will make a significant contribution to my goal of buying a house. Now, let's see the things that I could buy with the amount $228.39, which I'm not because I'm trying to be a responsible adult.  Note that I said trying

Coming up within the next two weeks is the annual celebrations of blowing things up, also knows as Independence Day.  This is a day where Americans, in the immortal words of not-Apu, 

celebrate the independence of our country by blowing up a small part of it.  In years past, I would have eagerly driven up to (Redacted to not incriminate the writer) and come back home with (Redacted to not incriminate the writer).  In this time where I am trying to be economically responsible, this expense may seem to be unnecessary.  However, since I am short sighted in addition to being borderline legally blind, I do not see it this way.  There is another reason why buying a big cache of explodables is not something I will do this year.

I have a neighbor who, in the past couple of years, has bought a big supply of illegal fireworks and set them off in a highly spectacular fashion.  This neighbor of mine puts on a better fireworks display than anything I've seen at the community sponsored events.  And, since the West Valley City Police Department is fucking incompetent, I expect this illegal display to continue on this year.  So, $228.39 left to not spend.

The Last Of Us is a recently released video game that I've heard a lot of good things about.  Artist and sexymotherfucker Ted Bracewell said of the game, "I'm only 4 minutes into The Last of Us and it's already my Game of the Year." And you can buy The Last Of Us on Amazon.com for $50. That's right, you can buy it. I'm not going to because of this project I'm currently pursuing, but, for the purposes of this essay, let's say I have. So, $178.39 left to not spend.

Looking over a list of recently released movies on DVD, there's nothing that I feel particularly motivated to buy.  Even if I wasn't trying to save for a house, I would not buy any of these movies.  So, $178.39 left to not spend.

Looking over the Utah DABC Price List, there is currently a special on Aberlour 12 Year Old Highland Single Malt Scotch Whisky.  The alcohol store is selling this scotch at $39.99.  This is a good price on a Scotch Whisky like this, and Aberlour would look great sitting next to my half finished bottle of Johnny Walker Black, and my sixty percent finished bottle of Tanqueray.  If I was to buy this bottle of whiskey, I would also be buying another bottle of Radio From Hell Red As Hell Ale for $3.96.  So, $134.44 left to not spend.

Speaking of Radio From Hell, it was recently announced on that show that the X96 Big Ass Show is going to be held on August 24th at the Gallivan Center.  $134.44 sounds like a good amount to spend on a show that is always fun to go to.  This would be a good amount if I was for sure going to this show.  As it stands, I may have to go through some spectacular financial gymnastics in order to go to this show, but that is what happens when you pursue a goal in a masochistic manner.

So, there you have it.  I took $228.39 of money that I'm not spending and made a list of things that I will not be buying with the money that I'm not spending.  Don't worry, next week I will not have rent to pay, freeing up more of the money that I have earned for me to not spend on things that will make me immediately happy.