For I long time, I was without an identity. I was listless, rudderless, without a direction or purpose. Then I found my identity. I found my true self. I found my inner adult. The personality that I found was so different from the one I had before, I felt it necessary to give myself a new name. This name served as a permanent break from my previous personality, a personality exemplified by weakness, cowardice, and fear. I am Hunter Red, and I plan to stay that way for as long as I live.
I am now contemplating a name change. Suggestions?
Housework With Allison Red
Hunter Red drives up to his parent's house in his big fucking SUV and goes right inside the house.
Hunter- Mom. I'm here.
Allison Red talks to Hunter from upstairs.
Allison- Hang on, I'll be right down.
Allison Red comes down to the front room of the house.
Allison- Oh, so you received my text message.
Hunter- Yeah, now that I have my new Droid X I can actually receive text messages, although my reception at work still sucks. Seriously, who's bright idea was it to build the entire Redertainment offices out of concrete.
Allison- Your grandmother's.
There is an awkward silence, due to the fact that the grandmother Allison just referred to is dead.
Allison- Just kidding, it was the dumbass who built the building before your Grandpa bought it.
Hunter- Yeah, well, I guess they never thought of making it so that people can actually make cell phone calls in that building.
Allison- It was built in 1968, so probably not. So, you ready to help me hang hats?
Hunter- Sure, where's the ladder?
Allison- Aren't you tall enough to hang the hats on the walls just by standing on the floor?
Hunter- Was I tall enough the last time?
Allison- True. It's out in the garage.
Hunter leaves the front room to go get the ladder from the garage.
Allison- So, Hunter.
Hunter-(Still in the garage) Yes.
Allison- That thing you posted on Facebook about changing your name again, were you serious about that?
Hunter- No. I was just blowing off some steam after seeing John Cena in his new gear.
Allison- What was so bad about it.
Hunter- It was red.
Allison- Again, what was so bad about it.
Hunter- John Cena, wrestling's biggest wuss, was wearing red, and it wasn't even a good shade of red.
Allison- Was shade was it?
Hunter- That shade of red that clowns usually wear.
Allison- Oh.
Hunter enters the front room carrying the ladder.
Allison- Well then, let's get to work.
Hunter and Allison go upstairs to the master bedroom. On the bed in the middle of the master bedroom is a pile of baseball caps of many different sizes, shapes, and kinds. On the walls of the master bedroom is are hooks, each evenly spaced, lining each of the walls. In the corner of the bedroom, in a big oversized chair, is Keith Red.
Keith is watching TV, oblivious to what is going on around him.
Hunter- Hey Dad.
Keith does not respond.
Allison- Keith, is there a particular way you want these hats arranged.
Keith does not respond.
Hunter- Are you going to help up hand all of these hats.
Keith does not respond.
Allison- I'm going to take off my top.
Keith- Not in front of the kid. Roman, leave.
Hunter- Dad, my name is Hunter. I changed it when my personality changed back in college.
Keith- Hey, my name changed just after high school.
Hunter- Really? What did it change to?
Keith- Dad.
Hunter- Oh.
Allison- Well, lets' get to work.
Hunter and Allison get to work, hanging all of the baseball caps lying on the bed on all the hooks on all of the walls in the master bedroom. Once it's done, the room looks like something out of a suspense film, with all of the hats looking like something out of The Birds. Throughout this process, Keith Red stays sitting in his chair, watching TV, occasionally barking out orders, but otherwise not helping out at all.
Drunken Disobedience
Like many states, the state of Utah has told all of it's state agencies to trim some of their fat so that they can be more fiscally responsible. Among the Utah state agencies that was instructed to trim it's was the Department Of Alcohol Beverage Control. The DABC controls how much alcohol can be imported into the state of Utah, where it can be sold, who can sell it, and how much it can be sold for. To conform to the wishes of the Utah State Legislature, the DABC sought to trim $2.2 Million by scaling back hours at the state controlled liquor stores and closing nine stores.
There was a great response to this move among liberals, business owners, rednecks, and others who like to drink alcohol or make money off alcohol. Among the arguments made by people who opposed these moves was based on fiscal discipline. Their argument was that if one really wants to trim a lot of fat in the DABC, why not do away with the State Liquor Store system? Why not allow the alcohol sold in the state run liquor stores, mainly wines, hard liquor, and some types of beer, to be sold in grocery stores like they are in other states? This argument was met with the following response:
EXCLUSIVE: A ban on selling beer at Utah convenience stores?
Reported by: Chris Vanocur
SALT LAKE CITY (ABC 4 News) - First, the state of Utah said it was going to shut down liquor stores and now it may be setting its sights on where Utahns can buy beer.
ABC 4 News has learned that a prominent DABC commissioner may soon propose a ban on selling all beer at Utah convenience stores.
The first hint that DABC Commissioner Gordon Strachan might be up to something came two weeks ago when he made this comment,
“I think we should eliminate the sale of beer at gas stations."
At that March 24th DABC meeting, Strachan made very clear how he feels about beer being sold at gas stations and convenience stores.
He told an overflow crowd,
"Arriving here today, everyone of us came right by the gas station that advertises the lowest price of beer in the state. There's just something wrong to have beer sold at gas stations."
Since then, ABC 4 is being told that Strachan has quietly and actively been working on a beer ban at convenience stores.
Because he may only have a few months left as a DABC commissioner, sources say that Strachan could bring up this ban at the DABC's April 28th hearing.
Judging by his comments at that March DABC meeting, Strachan apparently feels that it's simply too easy to buy a big, cold beer and then simply drive away,
"I have long been an advocate of the fact that beer should not be sold at gas stations."
However, Commissioner Strachan faces some obstacles.
Not only is there opposition to his ban, but there are also questions about how much authority DABC has in this matter.
But his efforts now seem similar to the successful drive to remove “alcopops” from Utah grocery stores.
As for Gordon Strachan, his office told us that the commissioner had no comment.
When I heard this story, I was outraged, more so than I was at the proposed DABC cuts. Not only is this an outrageous overreach of government power, the logic this guy uses is seriously flawed. If this commissioner's outage was inspired by advertisement for alcohol, then this guy's problem should be with advertising, not alcohol. My outrage about this logical flaw caused me to want to commit an act of civil disobedience.
In Utah, it is illegal to travel outside the state of Utah, buy alcohol, and travel back to the state of Utah with the alcohol you bought. On Sunday, April 10, 2011, I traveled to Evanston, Wyoming.
I bought a twelve pack of Heineken from this Cowboy Joe's Liquor Barn.
I placed the beer I bought in my car.
I traveled with the beer that I bought in Evanston, Wyoming back to a location in West Valley City, Utah. I won't tell the address of the location I traveled to in West Valley City, Utah as revealing my home address on the internet is stupid.
I drank the beer I bought in Evanston, Wyoming in my home in West Valley City, Utah while watching coverage of The Masters. So there you have it, my act of civil disobedience. I don't have a really good end for this piece, so here's a kitty.
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