Moving In Slow Motion: 46.9% Complete

It's that time again.  Once again payday has come, and time has come to see how much money I've earned, how much of what I've made gets eaten up by bills, and how much money I have to not spend in the pursuit of Project Buy A House.  The calculations are in, and the amount I have to not play around with is...

$228.39.  Okay, that is a nice amount, and will make a significant contribution to my goal of buying a house. Now, let's see the things that I could buy with the amount $228.39, which I'm not because I'm trying to be a responsible adult.  Note that I said trying

Coming up within the next two weeks is the annual celebrations of blowing things up, also knows as Independence Day.  This is a day where Americans, in the immortal words of not-Apu, 

celebrate the independence of our country by blowing up a small part of it.  In years past, I would have eagerly driven up to (Redacted to not incriminate the writer) and come back home with (Redacted to not incriminate the writer).  In this time where I am trying to be economically responsible, this expense may seem to be unnecessary.  However, since I am short sighted in addition to being borderline legally blind, I do not see it this way.  There is another reason why buying a big cache of explodables is not something I will do this year.

I have a neighbor who, in the past couple of years, has bought a big supply of illegal fireworks and set them off in a highly spectacular fashion.  This neighbor of mine puts on a better fireworks display than anything I've seen at the community sponsored events.  And, since the West Valley City Police Department is fucking incompetent, I expect this illegal display to continue on this year.  So, $228.39 left to not spend.

The Last Of Us is a recently released video game that I've heard a lot of good things about.  Artist and sexymotherfucker Ted Bracewell said of the game, "I'm only 4 minutes into The Last of Us and it's already my Game of the Year." And you can buy The Last Of Us on Amazon.com for $50. That's right, you can buy it. I'm not going to because of this project I'm currently pursuing, but, for the purposes of this essay, let's say I have. So, $178.39 left to not spend.

Looking over a list of recently released movies on DVD, there's nothing that I feel particularly motivated to buy.  Even if I wasn't trying to save for a house, I would not buy any of these movies.  So, $178.39 left to not spend.

Looking over the Utah DABC Price List, there is currently a special on Aberlour 12 Year Old Highland Single Malt Scotch Whisky.  The alcohol store is selling this scotch at $39.99.  This is a good price on a Scotch Whisky like this, and Aberlour would look great sitting next to my half finished bottle of Johnny Walker Black, and my sixty percent finished bottle of Tanqueray.  If I was to buy this bottle of whiskey, I would also be buying another bottle of Radio From Hell Red As Hell Ale for $3.96.  So, $134.44 left to not spend.

Speaking of Radio From Hell, it was recently announced on that show that the X96 Big Ass Show is going to be held on August 24th at the Gallivan Center.  $134.44 sounds like a good amount to spend on a show that is always fun to go to.  This would be a good amount if I was for sure going to this show.  As it stands, I may have to go through some spectacular financial gymnastics in order to go to this show, but that is what happens when you pursue a goal in a masochistic manner.

So, there you have it.  I took $228.39 of money that I'm not spending and made a list of things that I will not be buying with the money that I'm not spending.  Don't worry, next week I will not have rent to pay, freeing up more of the money that I have earned for me to not spend on things that will make me immediately happy.

****- The Dark Humor Of Distict 9's Religious Podcasts

Red Finds Religion (No, I am not high)

I know that for years I have publically declared myself to be an Atheist. This is because I am an Atheist. However, despite being an Atheist, I still go to church. I know church and atheism don’t exactly mix but neither does Rammstein and Jack Johnson, except to me.

There’s one particular church I’ve been going to for many years now. There are many branches of this church nationwide and I’m fairly sure you’ve been in or at least drove past one if not many. I started going to the branch of this church that was located in downtown Salt Lake City. It was on my way to work, it was in a good location, and the air conditioning in this branch was top notch. I soon found that there was another branch closer to my home, but that branch wasn’t convenient to me so I kept going to the branch downtown.

Eventually I stopped going to that branch for two reasons. One: My work moved to a different location and my commute no longer took me downtown. Two: The powers that be decided to demolish two city blocks, including the location of the branch I was going to. I tried going to the branch near my house but another powers that be decided to do away with that branch. The nearest branch of my church to me required a lengthy drive to get there. I still went but only on holidays and when I felt really bad about myself.

Then I learned there was a branch closer to my home, and I was happy. I went there often, really quite often, and gained a greater and more complete connection with my church. Then I learned that a building down the street from my house was being converted into a branch of my church and I was euphoric. In my euphoria a question came to my mind: Is it correct to call individual locations of my church “branches”? I posed this question to the manager of the church location I currently frequent. Her response:

“This isn’t a church, it’s a Chick-Fil-A restaurant.”



The Ultimate Fuck You

Since its inclusion, people have been wondering why a demo for God Of War 3 was included in the Blu-ray release of District 9. These questions have honestly astounded me as the answer is one that came to me quite easily. Allow me now to explain why the God Of War 3 demo was included with District 9.

Upon the death of the Peter Jackson produced Halo movie project, the seed money for that project was directed toward another project director Neil Blomkaph(?) wanted to do. That was District 9.

District 9 was released by Tristar Pictures, which is owned by Sony. Halo, for the uninitiated, is a franchise exclusive to the Xbox 360 and is owned by Microsoft. Microsoft and Sony are rivals, at least as far as video games goes.

District 9 made over $200 Million at the box office, for Sony. It could be reasonably said that Sony took the seed money from a failed Microsoft property and made a fuckton of cash from it.

You would think that would be the ultimate middle finger or fuck you by Sony to Microsoft but that would be wrong. The ultimate fuck you would be for Sony to make a fuckton of cash off a failed Microsoft property, then, upon releasing the movie on Blu-ray, pairing the fuckton of cash generator with a demo for one of their exclusive elite gaming franchises in order to create the buzz that will enable that game to make another fuckton of cash for Sony.

So there you have your explanation. The demo for God Of War 3 is included in the Blu-ray of District 9 as an ultimate fuck you by Sony to Microsoft. Whether that gesture is in fact the ultimate fuck you has yet to be determined, but one thing is certain. The God Of War 3 demo is a delectable vertical slice but I want to see more.



The Nude Security Theater

Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in line at security at the Salt Lake City International Airport. They are going through the screening process before embarking on their trip to New York City. The camera shows Hunter and Robin from about the neck up.
Robin- (In a clearly annoyed tone of voice) I can’t believe you.
Hunter- What?
R- I can’t believe you are actually doing this.
H- I told you I was going to show up to the airport like this.
R- But I thought you were joking like you do about most things.
The camera shot changes to a full body shot of Hunter and Robin, revealing that Hunter is fully nude. The camera snaps back before delivery of the next line.
H- Why do you think I took that long shower before we left?
R- I assumed you were pleasuring yourself.
H- Robin, I have you, I have no need to masturbate.
R- I’d kiss you if your weren’t presently annoying me.
TSA Agent- Step forward sit.
Hunter steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Hunter is also wanded for some reason.
TSA Agent- Sir, you’ve been selected to undergo secondary screening.
Hunter- I have?
TSA Agent- yes.
H- Why?
TSA Agent- The computer said so.
H- Well, is the computer factoring in my nudeness?
TSA Agent- Sir, if you don’t follow my instructions, I am authorized to subdue and detain you.
Hunter looks back at Robin then turns back and says-
H- Okay, but the next time I fly I’m removing me skin.
A second TSA Agent takes Hunter off camera.
TSA Agent- Miss, step forward please.
Robin steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Robin is then wanded by the TSA Agent.
TSA Agent- Miss, you’ve been selected to undergo an additional patdown.
Robin- Okay, where do you want me to go?
TSA Agent- Just stand right there with your arms straight out to your side.
Robin does as she’s directed and the TSA Agent begins the patdown. The TSA Agent does a normal patdown then does a second pass, running his hands slowly along the areas of Robin’s body that are covered by her underwear. As the TSA Agent is doing this, Robin’s disposition changes form happy to slightly sullen.
TSA Agent- Okay, you’re clear. You can go on through.
Robin- (Hesitantly and clearly shaken) Thank you.
Robin walks forward and is met by Hunter coming out of his secondary screening. Hunter looks at Robin and says-
Hunter- Are you okay?
Robin- Hunter, what did they do to you?
H- They put me in a machine and blew air on me. Why, what happened to you?
R- The TSA Agent gave me a patdown and… groped me.
H- He- he groped you?
Robin nods her head, having tears in her eyes as she does so. Robin then puts her arms around Hunter and begins to cry softly. Hunter looks at the TSA Agent and says-
H- Security and safety are important things, but you really cannot cross the line like that. What you did is wrong, just plain wrong.
Hunter puts his arms around Robin and comforts her as the scene ends.

THE END



The Logoriffic Linkfest!

Here is a list of the podcasts I listen to. Yay.

Radio From Hell

Dead Pixel Live

Countdown With Keith Olberman

Orange Lounge Radio

The Geek Show Podcast

Electric Sista Hood

TQCast

The Mediocre Show

Major Nelson Radio

The Bobby Blackwolf Show