Archaeologists are always searching for relics of past civilizations. They pursue such things so that they can better understand the past, as well as understand why we live the way we do in the current day. Recently the Archaeology Department at Boston University found something that is truly fascinating. This group of students and researchers unearthed something that they are baffled to explain or find an equivalent in the modern world.
In a location, which denizens of the area referred to as "Smith Haven Mall", archaeologists have discovered a large vacant building filled with many objects that lack explanation. These objects were housed, not in one centralized location, but in many different segmented locations spread throughout the many levels of this building. These segmented locations, or "stores" as they were called, vary in size and vary in the kinds and amounts of objects that they held. Some of the segmented locations held objects such as clothing, food and candy, wall decorations, small shiny minerals, and other things that archaeologists have yet to discover the purpose of.
Parts of the so called "Smith Haven Mall" appear to be adorned for some sort of festival. This festival includes many displays expressing an adoration for a deity, identified only as "Jesus". There are also displays that are more grand in scale and prevalence expressing an adoration for the deity "Santa". Professor Andrea M. Berlin, the James R. Wiseman Chair in Classical Archaeology, theorizes that these deities were rivals, and that the followers of their faiths were in a constant struggle against oneanother for supremecy in the so called "Smith Haven Mall". James R. Wiseman's theory is currently being contested due to lack of evidence and a lack of an equivalent in the modern world.
As archaeologists continue to dig into the so called "Smith Haven Mall" more and more things are being discovered. Much like the dig site at Pompeii, Italy, students may be digging at this site for many years to come. Meanwhile, researchers are continuing to attempt to piece all of the parts of the so called "Smith Haven Mall" together and attempt to explain what all of the things in this large building are and what they have to do with eachother and the world in which they existed. However, there may never be an explanation for this:
Marcus, Utah native known for his appearances on Last Comic Standing and the Geek Show Podcast, will be performing live at Kingston Hall. This is not just an ordinary performance, this performance will be filmed for the upcoming comedy special "The Hand That Feeds". Tickets are on sale right now at Kingtix.com. Tickets close to the stage costs only $35. Gets your tickets early as this show is expected to sell out.
The Muhammad Sketch Four people are seen sitting around a table playing poker. These people are Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan. A game has just wrapped up and it's time to deal out another hand. Muhammad takes the cards, and starts to shuffle them, and says-
Muhammad- I'll deal this hand. Jesus- Allright, it'll give me a chance to check my mail. Jesus takes his smart phone out of his pocket and checks his email. Jesus- Oh man. Mario- What is it Jesus? Jesus- I'm getting all these prayers sent to me, and most of it is the usual fare. Help me with my job interview, help me ace this test, help me nail this broad, but this, this last one is the worst. Muhammad- What is it? Jesus- It says, "Dear lord almighty, hollowed be thy name, please help me kill this abortion doctor, amen." Mario- Oh man. Muhammad- I hate prayers like that. Jesus- I mean, do they honestly expect me to help with that? Next thing they'll do is ask for my help to blow things up. Muhammad- Don't you already get that? Didn't that Eric Rudolph guy blow stuff up in your name? Jesus facepalms. Jesus- That's right. Muhammad- Well, don't make a habit of facepalming over everybody who bombs in your name. If I did that my hand would be over my face constantly. Muhammad starts dealing out the cards. Mario- What about the people who threaten people who make pictures of you? Muhammad- Oh, that is so embarrassing to me. Jesus- Well, they probably wouldn't have such a big problem with it if you weren't so preoccupied with that blemish you have. Muhammad- I know, this mole will be the end of me. Muhammad finishes dealing out the cards. Muhammad- Okay, everyone ante up. Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan all throw chips into the pot. Muhammad- What about you Ron? You've been quiet all night, what do you think of people doing stuff and involving the memory of you while doing so. Ronald Reagan- I like pudding. The other people at the table look at Ronald Reagan oddly. Mario- What? Ronald Reagan- I like pudding. I like eat pudding with spoon. Sometimes I eat pudding with fork, but that not as good as spoon. Muhammad- Okay. Ronald Reagan- I try eating pudding with a knife but then I make cherry pudding, and I no like cherry pudding. Jesus- Is he playing stupid or is he really senile? Muhammad- He does this every time anyone brings up problems with the conservative movement. Just watch how his eyes light up when we bring up his movies, Ronald Reagan- I'm going to with this pot for the Gipper. Jesus- Well at least Mario here doesn't have that problem. No one worships Mario like they do us. Mario- Are you kidding me? There's this black kid on the internet who'd bow down in front of me if I appeared in front of him. Ronald Reagan- I have millions of people who'd do that for me. Mario- Besides, that's not what the biggest problem is. Jesus- What is it my son? Mario- There are people who take magic mushrooms because they think they'll give them the same kind of powers I have. There is a short pause. Muhammad- Lets' see here: People taking mushrooms because they think they'll be able to break bricks with their heads or people blowing up buildings because they think they'll end up nailing hot broads in heaven. Ronald Reagan- Are you talking about your followers or mine? Mario- Okay, your problem isn't as big as mine, but it leads back to the same problem. All of us strove to create worlds where peace and love reigned supreme, and now people are using our names to commit acts that seek to tear society apart. There is a long pause. Muhammad- What is your point? Mario- My point is we need to do something about this, and not just sitting around playing poker. There is another long pause. Then Nancy Reagan pokes her head into the room and says- Nancy Reagan- Oh Ronnie, why don't you come to bed big boy? Ronald Reagan springs up from the table and says- Ronald Reagan- Yay! Me take blue pill and take happy ride! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Ronald Reagan leaves the poker table and joins Nancy upstairs. Mario- Well, what are we supposed to do now? We need a fourth to play. Muhammad- Why? Mario- It's always more fun with four people. Jesus takes out his smartphone and says- Jesus- I'll see if Steve Jobs can come and play with us. Jesus calls Steve Jobs as Mario studies his cards and Muhammad starts to count how many chips he has left. END SCENE
A week before Thanksgiving last year I cheated on my beloved Malibu with one named Ognarud. This was purely my fault. I was reckless, I was distracted, I was naive, I am still pawing around for a sufficient excuse. Ever since my indiscretion with Ognarud I could not get my experience with her to leave my mind. It seemed that the further away I got from it, the more it filled my mind. Eventually my desire for Ognarud filled my entire being. This is when I knew my relationship with Malibu was over.
This is when the difficulty truly began. The relationship I was having with Malibu was the first serious one I had ever had. I barely had the skills to enter into this relationship, much less leave. I continued to stay in my relationship with Malibu after I knew it was over, for a far longer period of time than I really should have. I reached out to others for some help with my extraction, no one reached back to help me. That is until last week. Someone who had helped me in the past offered to help me again. This help came from my old friend Wells.
Wells did this not by telling me how to get out of my relationship with Malibu, but by telling me where I could find Ognarud. Wells told me of a friend of his, Hertz, who knew exactly where Ognarud was and how to get in contact with her. I blazed a trail up to see Hertz, but when I got there, she was gone. The one that I desired had just slipped out of my grasp. Ognarud was with another.
I was crushed to say the least. I recognize that Ognarud has the right to be happy and be with who she wants, I just wish that person was me. Recognizing my moment of grief, Hertz offered to introduce me to another. This was not Ognarud, this was better. Hertz introduced me to Mercury. I took Mercury for a spin and was drawn in. Mercury's size and effortless power seduced me as her more intimate places, soft as they were warm, comforted me and took my cares away. The further along I got with Mercury the further away Ognarud was from my mind. I desired Mercury and I decided that I must have her.
It was at this moment that I began to receive resistance from Wells. I don't know if it was where Mercury was from, how she came to be there, or her luxurious black interior, but Wells refused to help enable me to be one with Mercury. Thankfully, at that moment, someone stepped in to help. It was quick, effortless, and before I knew it, it was done. All I heard from this person was "CU in August to start the process of paying your debt."
Now Mercury and I are one and it delights me to no end to be able to say that. Now for the process of giving her a cute pet name to refer to her when we are alone. Because of my limited knowledge of Greek gods, nothing instantly sprang to mind. Then inspiration hit as Mercury and I were driving home from Hertz's. The first album we listened to together was Crossing the Rubicon from The Sounds, and one of the songs we really got into a groove with was Beatbox. You could even say it's our song. At that moment I knew Rubicon was the perfect pet name for Mercury. Red and Rubicon, what a fit. So, here's to you my beloved Rubicon.
Sigmund Freud Strikes Again! Last week it was announced that Zenimax Media, parent company of Bethesda, had acquired id. This move came as a shock and instantly people started speculating about the possible cross franchise mashup possibilities. However this story may not be all that it appears.
When this story broke I reached out to the PR department at Zenimax Media for a comment on their acquisition of the video game studio id. Their response was to question the validity of my story. I then sent them a link to the article that broke the story. There message back to me was, "No, this is what we acquired," followed by this link. Id, ego, and super-ego
What this means is that Zenimax did not acquire id, the video game studio, they acquired id, as in id, ego, and super ego. According to Wikipedia, "The Id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts as a pleasure principle: if not compelled by reality it seeks immediate enjoyment. It is focused on selfishness and instant self-gratification. Personality, as Freud saw it, was produced by the conflict between biological impulses and social restraints that were internalized. The Id is unconscious by definition."
It is unknown what kinds of games can come from this acquisition, as it is unclear how many people at Zenimax understand what id is. Hell, I barely understand what id is. All I know is I want a Coke, and I want it now!
In Other News... On June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson died after suffering a heart attack at his Neverland Ranch. In the days that followed, news outlets worldwide ran stories about Michael Jackson, his life, his music, his family, and his affairs non-stop. The following is a list of some of the events that have gone unreported since the death of the King of Pop. Reaction by the viewers after a screening of Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen caused a riot among nerds in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Cars were flipped over, fires were set, and action figures were recklessly removed form their packaging. This nerd riot raged on until the Philadelphia Police Department dispatched a special police squad to the scene. What made this police squad special is that it was filled exclusively with women. The nerd riot in Philadelphia ended with all of the rioters on the ground bowing as if worshiping some geek deity. The second coming of Jesus Christ happened. Jesus's first words were, "Hello! Over here! Son of God returning." Lex Luthor stole all the water from Lake Erie. The only response to this was from a little known gay porn star. China declared war on Delaware. Their reason for doing so, "Because we can." Finally South Caroline Governor Mark Sanford admitted to more extra marital encounters with his Argentinean mistress. This includes Governor Sanford fucking his mistress in his office, telling his staffers that he was exercising, loudly.
Sony Computer Entertainment of America has started a unique strategy for spreading the word of their new product Qore, a game where you take money away from stupid people. In addition to publicising the release of Qore by way of e-mails, press releases, and grifters, Sony plans to go forward with a strategy made famous by Jehovah's Witnesses and the LDS Church. Sony plans to send out it's Sony Defense Force, two by two in white shirts and ties, to spread the good word of Qore.
In a statement, SCEA Marketing Chief Ezra Taft Benson said, "This is a absolutely new idea in the world of video games. I look forward to using our loyal followers to reach out to potential loyal followers." SCEA Digital Media Chief David H. Splane said, "We plan to pound the pavement and doors diligently until all people are followers of the mighty Sony. All will eventually submit to us."
Reaction to this from the gaming community has been variant. Legend668 said, "I will go, I will do, the things my Lord commands." Ultimategreenwarrior said, "Qore sucks! It is absolutely worthless and devoid of value! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue reading the greatest publication in the history of man: Official Xbox Magazine." And finally, Redertainment said, "Damn it! There's a reason I'm a shut in.!"
It is unknown how successful this marketing strategy will be for Sony and Qore. Nintendo is expected to respond by revealing that Shigeru Miyamoto is the second coming of Jesus Christ. Meanwhile Microsoft will reveal that Bill Gates is God.
Take your normal superhero origin story. Guy gets powers, guy realizes he has powers, guy goes out to save the world. Now factor this in: the guy has a score to settle.
Everybody wonders what it is that makes them who they are. The Hawk thought that question was securely answered. However a meeting with a boy in a hospital causes him to question everything. Why he is, who he is, what he is, and even if he is.
Eleven years after the events of Consequences Of Mayorust, The Hawk finds himself dealing with many of the same issues that many of us deal with: A less than satisfying job, co-workers of variant annoyance, and a romantic life is unhealthy at best. Thrust into all this is Madison Medina, a well meaning woman who's adversarial relationship with The Hawk morphs into a kind of friendship. Madison, in addition to learning more about herself and her abilities, help to reveal deeper problems inside the organization both she and The Hawk work for.
In every workplace there is a person. A person who doesn't talk to anyone, has walled themselves socially, and seems openly hostile to everyone. Every workplace has this person, even if you don't know of such a person, they're there. The Black Robin Christmas Carol is the story of one of these people. It delves into who this person is, why this person is, and how this person can change for the better.
There is a story. A story of pain, a story of loss, a story of unspeakable horrors, a story that has not been given it's proper attention. Some are ignoring this story. Some are unaware of this story. Some know of this story but are complicit in it's darkness. This is a story that must be told. Told so that the good can stop it and the bad can feel shame for it.
When I thought up thig blog, the name I first thought up was "Random Bullshit". Quickly I recognized that this name would put some people off. Then I thought of the name "Random Bull****". That seemed to be to much clutter. Then I was inspired with the name that dons this blog today.
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