****- Death, Flames, and Rubber Gloves

Tiger Woods PGA 10 Wii Review

Hunter Red is at his doctor's office waiting to be examined. Hunter is sitting on the exam table when his doctor, Dr. Whitmore, enters with Hunter's chart in his hand.

Dr. Whitmore- So, Mr. Hunter-
Hunter Red- It's Mr. Red. My name is Hunter Red, Red is my last name.
Dr. Whitmore looks at the chart and says,
W- Sorry, I thought that was a typo. So, Mr. Red, it says here you're experiencing some arm pain.
H- Yes, my right shoulder is sore and some times my bicep will twitch on it's own.
W- Okay, lets have you take off your shirt and hold your arm out to the side.
Hunter does what the doctor asks and Dr. Whitmore starts to examine Hunter's arm.
W- Do you get much exercise Mr. Hunter?
R- Not really.
W- You play sports much?
R- No, I kind of really suck at them.
W- So, what were you doing when you started experiencing this discomfort?
R- I was playing the new Tiger Woods PGA.
W- What is that?
R- It's a video game.
W- You know, if you injure yourself playing a video game, you might be really out of shape.
R- Well I was playing it on the Wii, and on the Wii version of the new Tiger Woods game, you have to actually make the swinging motion.
W- So you actually have to swing to play the game?
R- Yeah.
W- And how well does that work?
R- It's kinda good. I haven't gotten down how to do a eighty or seventy-five percent swing, and putting is a pain in the ass-
W- Putting is a pain in real life.
R- Yeah but I've seen it done better ways in different games. Even the 360 version of this year's Tiger Woods has a better putting mechanic. You play golf Doctor?
W- Yeah, in real life, not in a video game.
R- What's your lowest round?
W- Full 18?
R- Yeah.
W- I shot an even par 72 once. I got really lucky that day. How about you?
R- Oh, I've never been golfing in real life.
W- No, I mean in this video game.
R- Oh, I shot a 57 at St. Andrews.
W- Was this just a one time occurrence like with my 72?
R- No, I've shot it five times. I just have to hit it the ball really close to the pin so I don't have to putt for too long of a distance.
W- Ah. Well, I see no real problems with your arm, it just seems like you don't get much exercise and started swinging your arms a lot.
R- Uh-huh.
W- Just give your arm a few days rest, but after that, stretch properly and get a good amount of exercise.
R- Okay.
Hunter hops down off the table and puts his shirt back on.
R- By the way, how much will this visit cost me?
W- Well, you have insurance, so it shouldn't cost you no more than $150.
R- $150? Why does it cost me so much?
W- Because you have insurance. If you didn't have insurance it would cost you considerably much more. Hope to see you again soon Mr. Hunter.
R- It's Mr. Red.
THE END

Tiger woods PGA Tour Wii: B-



The Truth Behind The Story

This week Eric Lempel, PlayStation Network's SCEA director of operations, said that there are no plans to go forward with offering on demand games in the future. Mr. Lempel blamed this on the substantial size of the games on PS3 thanks to the size capabilities of Blu-ray discs. He then went on to spout more propaganda about the wondrous glory of Sony, PS3, and Blu-ray technology.

Bullshit. First of all, outside of Metal Gear Solid 4, I can't think of any PS3 game that fully utilizes the storage capacity of the Blu-ray disc. Most come way short. Even so, with MGS4 they could download each chapter at the points that they installed the chapters regularly. Sure the downloads would take a long time, but that's due to the incompetent online architecture that is PSN, and therein lies the real problem.

If people were expected to utilize PSN more in their use of the Playstation 3 more people would come across the persistent problems that plague PSN. Inconsistent speeds, problems connecting and staying connected, far too frequent firmware updates, the length of time it takes to download and install things, and so on and so forth. More people using the service would lead to more bitching about the service. This is really why on demand games, Netflix instant streaming, and other bandwidth intensive activities are not possible right now. Sony must know the persistent problems that plague PSN, if they don't they are highly irresponsible. Almost as irresponsible is Sony not dealing with the problems and instead sweeping them under the rug and acting like they don't exist.

I really don't have a good ending for this rant. Hey look, a kittie!




Fallout 3 Point Lookout DLC Review

Like any other metropolitan area, the Salt Lake Valley has several malls. The one closest to where I live is called Valley Fair. I went out there the other day because I needed some shoes.

After weaving my way through the construction zone that is 3500 South, I entered Valley Fair parking lot and found a space quite easily. There were a smattering of cars in the lot, none bigger or better looking than my beloved Rubicon. I entered JC Penny's through the main entrance and immediately noticed how few people there were around. There were employees there, manning the tellers and arranging merchandise, but not much of anyone else. There weren't even any perverts staring at the lingerie clad mannequins.

I got my shoes, quickly I might add, then started back the way I came. That is until I felt some hunger pains and headed for the food court. When I left JC Penny's I saw more of what I had previously seen, a space with no people in it. The sound of my footsteps echoed like I was walking in an abandoned cavern, which I practically was. I saw employees, filling out Sodoku puzzles, playing handheld games, fiddling with their nails, and doing other things one does to kill time.

I got a slice of pepperoni and a Pepsi and sat down to eat it, easily finding a table. As I ate, the overwhelming thought I has was, "This place is dead." This is the same thought I had while I was playing the new Fallout 3 DLC, Point Lookout. Outside of those necessary to drive the quest forward and the one merchant on the boardwalk, there are no people in Point Lookout. Granted the Capital Wasteland wasn't brimming with people, but at least there were NPCs milling around with nothing to do in the bigger cities. The boardwalk in Point Lookout is as devoid of life as Valley Fair mall in West Valley City, neither of which are good signs for the future.

Fallout 3 Point Lookout DLC: B

****- Romanticizing The Media Obsession

My Beloved Rubicon

A week before Thanksgiving last year I cheated on my beloved Malibu with one named Ognarud. This was purely my fault. I was reckless, I was distracted, I was naive, I am still pawing around for a sufficient excuse. Ever since my indiscretion with Ognarud I could not get my experience with her to leave my mind. It seemed that the further away I got from it, the more it filled my mind. Eventually my desire for Ognarud filled my entire being. This is when I knew my relationship with Malibu was over.

This is when the difficulty truly began. The relationship I was having with Malibu was the first serious one I had ever had. I barely had the skills to enter into this relationship, much less leave. I continued to stay in my relationship with Malibu after I knew it was over, for a far longer period of time than I really should have. I reached out to others for some help with my extraction, no one reached back to help me. That is until last week. Someone who had helped me in the past offered to help me again. This help came from my old friend Wells.

Wells did this not by telling me how to get out of my relationship with Malibu, but by telling me where I could find Ognarud. Wells told me of a friend of his, Hertz, who knew exactly where Ognarud was and how to get in contact with her. I blazed a trail up to see Hertz, but when I got there, she was gone. The one that I desired had just slipped out of my grasp. Ognarud was with another.

I was crushed to say the least. I recognize that Ognarud has the right to be happy and be with who she wants, I just wish that person was me. Recognizing my moment of grief, Hertz offered to introduce me to another. This was not Ognarud, this was better. Hertz introduced me to Mercury. I took Mercury for a spin and was drawn in. Mercury's size and effortless power seduced me as her more intimate places, soft as they were warm, comforted me and took my cares away. The further along I got with Mercury the further away Ognarud was from my mind. I desired Mercury and I decided that I must have her.

It was at this moment that I began to receive resistance from Wells. I don't know if it was where Mercury was from, how she came to be there, or her luxurious black interior, but Wells refused to help enable me to be one with Mercury. Thankfully, at that moment, someone stepped in to help. It was quick, effortless, and before I knew it, it was done. All I heard from this person was "CU in August to start the process of paying your debt."

Now Mercury and I are one and it delights me to no end to be able to say that. Now for the process of giving her a cute pet name to refer to her when we are alone. Because of my limited knowledge of Greek gods, nothing instantly sprang to mind. Then inspiration hit as Mercury and I were driving home from Hertz's. The first album we listened to together was Crossing the Rubicon from The Sounds, and one of the songs we really got into a groove with was Beatbox. You could even say it's our song. At that moment I knew Rubicon was the perfect pet name for Mercury. Red and Rubicon, what a fit. So, here's to you my beloved Rubicon.





Sigmund Freud Strikes Again!

Last week it was announced that Zenimax Media, parent company of Bethesda, had acquired id. This move came as a shock and instantly people started speculating about the possible cross franchise mashup possibilities. However this story may not be all that it appears.

When this story broke I reached out to the PR department at Zenimax Media for a comment on their acquisition of the video game studio id. Their response was to question the validity of my story. I then sent them a link to the article that broke the story. There message back to me was, "No, this is what we acquired," followed by this link.
Id, ego, and super-ego

What this means is that Zenimax did not acquire id, the video game studio, they acquired id, as in id, ego, and super ego. According to Wikipedia, "The Id comprises the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts as a pleasure principle: if not compelled by reality it seeks immediate enjoyment. It is focused on selfishness and instant self-gratification. Personality, as Freud saw it, was produced by the conflict between biological impulses and social restraints that were internalized. The Id is unconscious by definition."

It is unknown what kinds of games can come from this acquisition, as it is unclear how many people at Zenimax understand what id is. Hell, I barely understand what id is. All I know is I want a Coke, and I want it now!



In Other News...

On June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson died after suffering a heart attack at his Neverland Ranch. In the days that followed, news outlets worldwide ran stories about Michael Jackson, his life, his music, his family, and his affairs non-stop. The following is a list of some of the events that have gone unreported since the death of the King of Pop.

Reaction by the viewers after a screening of Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen caused a riot among nerds in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Cars were flipped over, fires were set, and action figures were recklessly removed form their packaging. This nerd riot raged on until the Philadelphia Police Department dispatched a special police squad to the scene. What made this police squad special is that it was filled exclusively with women. The nerd riot in Philadelphia ended with all of the rioters on the ground bowing as if worshiping some geek deity.

The second coming of Jesus Christ happened. Jesus's first words were, "Hello! Over here! Son of God returning."

Lex Luthor stole all the water from Lake Erie. The only response to this was from a little known gay porn star.

China declared war on Delaware. Their reason for doing so, "Because we can."

Finally South Caroline Governor Mark Sanford admitted to more extra marital encounters with his Argentinean mistress. This includes Governor Sanford fucking his mistress in his office, telling his staffers that he was exercising, loudly.