Xbox: Play Pornography

Recently Microsoft released a list of the commands that users can utilize while using their new Xbox One Kinect.  When they released this list, two questions came to the minds of many gamers.  One: Why isn't this list included on a card with the Xbox One so that you can know what you can and cannot command your Xbox One to do?  Two: Where are the porn commands?

Where is the list of commands that allow users to watch an unlimited supply of pornography with their Xbox One?  Where is it?  Do I have to reference a specific cable channel that I receive that may or may not have pornography on it, depending on the time of day?  Do I have to say the title of a specific video that is in my collection in order for my Xbox One to play it?  Does Xbox One recognize the names of the videos that I have in my collection, and does that mean that I should have a variance in the names of the pornographic videos in my collection, as opposed to "Brunette1", "Brunette2", "BlondeBigTits", etc.?  Sure I already can watch pornography on my couch by using my iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, Xbox 360, PS4, PS3, PS2, Xbox, Media PC, Laptop, and other various devices that I currently own, but I also want to use my Xbox One to watch pornography.  I mean, they call it the XBONE for a reason, right?

XBONE: Because the internet is for porn.

I Saw The Sign And It Opened Up My Eyes

Over the past couple of weeks, billboards like the one shown above have started popping up in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.  These billboards were put up BitTorrent, Inc., who's blog can be found here.

While this are a great subversive way to spread BitTorrent's message, these billboards leave me with the following question:

WHY ARE THEY NOT HERE WHERE I LIVE AND SPREADING THE MESSAGE TO PEOPLE AROUND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the message is getting around to internet connected people via, of all things, the internet, but the people who see BitTorrent as a threat generally are not that tech savvy.  These are people who believe iPods spread Antisemitism, that Xbox 360s help spread the word of Al Qaeda, and that Roombas are akin to, in their words, "that giant metal robot that what killed all of humanities".

Tech savvy people need to start realizing that messages such as the ones put out by BitTorrent, Inc. should not just be seen in the major population centers of this country.  This is a message that needs to be spread countrywide, perhaps by smaller bands who act independently to spread the message to people who might not otherwise not receive it.  The downside of that strategy is that authorities might perceive such a group to be a decentralized terrorist organization, much like how they perceive ALF.

No, not that one!  This ALF.

Xbox Live June Update List

Recently, Kotaku released a list of features that was supposed to be on the Microsoft 360 Spring Dashboard Update. In response, Larry Hryb, better known to the world as John James Preston, announced that there would be no update. However, today on his blog, Mr. Preston released a detailed list of what will be a part of the June 2008 Xbox 360 Dashboard Update to be released on Wednesday, June 18th at 3:00 A.M. PST. Here is a reproduction of that list.


The ability to plug in your iPod and stream music bought off iTunes.
The ability to play videos stored on most external devices plugged into the USB port.
The ability to clear any unwanted game from your played game/Gamerscore list, provided that no Gamerscore has been accrued.
If a user is watching a DVD, the user will appear as "Busy".
Recognition for selected DVD movies as well as games.


A new feature will be rolled out that will allow Gold Members to play Dreamcast, PS1 and PS2 games. This system, called Wired Extra ReUsuable Learned Extraordinarities, or W.E.R.U.L.E., is expected to work via a relationship with Black Pearl and head boss Jack Sparrow. The reaction to this move by game companies and console manufactures in decidedly "pissed".


Enabling of the ability to destroy the console of any cheating members via the as of yet discovered C4 charges packed in all 360 consoles.


The ability to turn the Red Rings of Death orange.
The as of yet described "SeXbox" feature.


The ability for users to turn on the controllers rumble feature and leave it on for hours in needed. This is expected to greatly benefit female users.


The ability to check your Hotmail account for messages from Nigerians looking to give you large sums of totally legitimate cash.


The ability to surf the Internet for all things, except pornography. As a result of the inability to surf porn, this feature is not expected to be used.


The ability to hire a hit man to take out people who are better than you at Halo 3.


The ability to better describe why you are filing a complaint against people over Xbox Live. This will allow you to better describe why that guy who showed Barbie dolls having sex should be banned, as well as shot.


The enabling of a peripheral that dispenses Red Bull.


A feature that allows the 360 to reject any game that rates under 40 on Metacritic.


The ability to search vehicle lots for any vehicles bought in Forza 2. This is not expected to help anyone searching for a vintage Geo Metro.
And finally, a feature that allows any hardcore gamer to get laid. Just kidding about that one.

The reaction to this update has been as variant as any decision made by Microsoft regarding it's gaming division. These reactions include "Kick ass", to "What the fuck!", to "Awesome! I'm gonna finally have sex!".