Xbox: Use Fox News To Watch Porn

Early on Thursday, Director of Programming for Xbox Live Larry Hryb, also known as Major Nelson, released the video embedded above providing tips and tricks to using the new Kinect enabled voice features rolled out with the Xbox One.  Many owners of the Xbox One have voiced frustration about new voice commands, some have even suggested improvements that need to be made to the system.  While the tips and tricks provided in the video above can help some consumers use the voice commands to navigate the Xbox One user interface, no where in the video does Major Nelson assist consumers in using doing one of the things that many consumers will use the Xbox One for.  Watching porn.

While such aid may not be coming, seeing as Microsoft is a responsible company that has to answer to many conservative action groups, perhaps it is those same conservative action groups that can provide consumers with help in using the Xbox One to view pornographic content.  After all, this article exists.

Xbox: Play Pornography

Recently Microsoft released a list of the commands that users can utilize while using their new Xbox One Kinect.  When they released this list, two questions came to the minds of many gamers.  One: Why isn't this list included on a card with the Xbox One so that you can know what you can and cannot command your Xbox One to do?  Two: Where are the porn commands?

Where is the list of commands that allow users to watch an unlimited supply of pornography with their Xbox One?  Where is it?  Do I have to reference a specific cable channel that I receive that may or may not have pornography on it, depending on the time of day?  Do I have to say the title of a specific video that is in my collection in order for my Xbox One to play it?  Does Xbox One recognize the names of the videos that I have in my collection, and does that mean that I should have a variance in the names of the pornographic videos in my collection, as opposed to "Brunette1", "Brunette2", "BlondeBigTits", etc.?  Sure I already can watch pornography on my couch by using my iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, Xbox 360, PS4, PS3, PS2, Xbox, Media PC, Laptop, and other various devices that I currently own, but I also want to use my Xbox One to watch pornography.  I mean, they call it the XBONE for a reason, right?

XBONE: Because the internet is for porn.

It's Contest Time!!!

On Tuesday, reports started circulating about Electronic Arts possibly allowing consumers to craft and distribute user generated content in SimCity.  This speculation comes after a post on a Electronic Arts forum, which was taken as truth because everything posted on a forum is true.

In advance of this upcoming move, I am proud to announce the First Ever SimCity Giant Dick Challenge!  The contest is simple: The first person to post user generated content in SimCity that is phallic in nature will be given a prize.  That prize: 103,900 Zambian Kwacha!

Disclaimer: Prize is available to all residents of the United States of America, including all Territories and Military Bases.  Actual prize value is USD $20.  In order to win you must be the first person to deliver the requirement of the contest in person at The Official Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, 350 N. State St., Salt Lake City, UT  84114  Prize must be claimed by October 1, 2013.  Actually, this is not an actual contest.  This is a hoax.  Submissions looking to claim the prize will not be acknowledged, unless submissions also include pictures of Carly Pope naked.  Disregard that last sentence.  Do not send any pictures to the address that was attributed as The Official Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, as sending pornography to the Utah State Capitol can be considered to be a crime.   Please, no fat chicks.

TMI About Hentai

On Tuesday afternoon, Jezebel.com posted a story about data released by well known porn site Pornhub.  The article detailed information about keyword searches and which keywords are most popular in different states.  This information, which does not contain any actual pornography but does include information about pornography, can be found at this link.  Like many people would when presented with information like this, I looked up what the popular keywords were in my state.  Most people would find such information salacious.  I did not have this reaction to such information.

I live in Utah.  According to the information released by Pornhub, the three most popular keywords in the state of Utah were compilation, teen, and hentai.  The first two terms did not arouse any interest in me.  It makes sense to me that compilations of different pornographic videos would be popular, as well as video involving either teens or people who resemble teens.  The third term is what brought up memories for me: hentai.  These memories were not brought up because of anything positive.  Much to the contrary.

The disappearance of Susan Powell is a case that I followed closely given that Susan disappeared from a neighborhood near where I live.  Also there were frequent updates given by the various television news stations out here in the weeks, months, and, unfortunately, years since this mother of two disappeared.  These updates became only more tragic after the deaths of Susan's two sons at the hands of their father.  As a part of the investigation into Susan's disappearance, the West Valley City Police Department seized and searched the computers of Susan's husband, Josh.  The following is a quote from a ABC4News article, detailing some of the kind of pornography found on these computers:

"The images included characters from The Simpsons, The Flintstones, Jungle Book, Superman, The Rugrats, Cat Woman and Spongebob - just to name a few. The characters were shown in sexual activities like sodomy, fisting, incest and group sex. Many of the images depicted adult on children sex acts. Dr. Manley called Josh's possession and approval of the images "concerning.""

The reaction I have to finding out the popularity of hentai in my state is based on my general negative feeling about Josh Powell, as well as the negative connection I have to him and the kind of pornography he is alleged to have consumed.  I'm not saying that all people who consume this hentai are people like Josh Powell.  I'm just saying what I know about the Susan Powell case paints my reaction to pornography of this kind and the people who consume it.  Finding out this information about the people who consume pornography in Utah makes me wonder: Are the people in Utah who view this kind of pornography merely curious about what the news articles is referring to, or are the people in Utah who view this kind of pornography sincerely interested in seeing the kind of taboo laden images depicted in such material?

****- Lara's Dog Breaks A Window

Lara Croft's Not Available!



At recent events, such as GDC, Treasure Hunter Day at the British Museum, and the annual Redertainment Easter Bash, Alison Carroll, the model who portrays Lara Croft, has been spotted wearing a gold band on her left hand. This is traditionally a sign that someone is married.

When asked about this, Miss Carroll said, "I was tired of people endlessly hitting on me at events. This serves as an outward expression that I'm not available." When it was pointed out to her that most nerds lack social graces, and the romantic advances would probably continue unabated, Miss Carroll was heard to say, "Shit!"


Cynophobia Rears It's Cure Laid Head

One of the things I plan to do this summer is take a long vacation. I plan to go to many places, see many things, and get rejected by a ton of women.

One of the places I was planning to go was the White House. I was going to take the tour, take lots of pics, and generally enjoy myself. Those plans were officially dashed on Tuesday. Why? One word: Bo.



Cute yet frightening. Much like children.


A Day In The Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America



Hunter Red, pictured above, is sitting in his office, hard at work on the next Four Stars Blog, when his secretary, Liz, enters to give him a message.

Liz- Mr Red.
Hunter Red- Yes.
L- There's a Jack Thompson on the phone for you.
R- Why is he calling me? Is he upset about something I wrote?
L- No, he wants to talk about the situation between himself and Mike Waddoups.
R- What line is he on?
L- Two.
R- Thank you.
Liz leaves as Hunter picks up the phone.
R- Hello.
Thompson- Is this Hunter Red?
R- Speaking.
T- I want to talk to you about the outrageous situation that's developed between myself and Mike Waddoups.
R- Okay, I'm listening.
T- I thought I had this support. He helped me craft the legislation, rallied support for it, even voted for it. But when one thing goes wrong, like that heathen governor vetoing the bill, he bails. Has he always been this flaky?
R- You think maybe you did something to aggravate him?
T- Like what?
R- Mike Waddoups is a Mormon.
T- So?
R- And the Mormon Church frowns on pornography.
T- And?
R- Because Mike Waddoups is a Mormon, and the Mormon Church frowns on pornography, it is reasonable to say that Waddoups frowns on pornography and would therefore not appreciate someone sending it to him over and over and over.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Did you see the pornographic image, because I can send it to you.
R- No, I don't need you to send me anything.
Hunter's computer chimes.
T- You get that thing I sent ya?
Hunter goes over to his computer and opens a message.
R- Yeah, I see it.
T- Does it offend you like it offends me?
R- No, not really.
There is a short pause, then Jack says-
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause I can fax it to ya.
R- Do we even have fax machines in this office?
A machine in Hunter's office begins to hum and wirr. Hunter then hears several more machines start to turn on similarly.
T- I didn't know which fax number was yours, so I sent it to all the numbers in your office.
The machine in Hunter's office spits out a piece of paper. Hunter picks up the paper then says-
R- Oh no.
L- What the hell?
Thomas Anderson- Why am I receiving this? Who sent this through the Matrix?
Seifer Kinneas- Score! Free porn!
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Yeah, several people in my office did.
SK- Finally, something to replace Penthouse.
T- Does it offend you like it does me?
R- No, in fact, I'm offended that you re-sent this to me.
SK- Hey Liz, you wanna try what's in this picture?
T- Are you sure you saw it, cause there's another way I can deliver it to ya.
R- How else are you going to deliver the image to me?
As Hunter finished that sentence, the window in his office broke.
R- What the hell?
Hunter gets up to look at the shattered glass and finds a rock among the glass. Hunter goes to the window and looks out to see Jack standing on top of a panel wan.
R- What the fuck are you doing?
T- Look!
Jack points down at the panel van. On the side of the panel van, in full color and detail, is the picture in question.
T- Ya get that thing I sent ya?
R- Jack, it might be illegal to send pornographic images repeatedly to a public official. It could be illegal to fax pornographic images to an entire office. However, it IS illegal to have a pornographic image plastered on the side of a panel van parked out in public view.
T- So you agree it's a pornographic image!
R- No, Jack, NO!
T- You said it, you agree with me! Hunter agrees with me, he thinks GTA should be banned.
Jack starts to parade around and repeat his last sentence as Hunter fruitlessly pleads for him to stop. This continues until, all of a sudden, a dart is shot into Jack's neck. Jack falls off the panel van and lands with a thud on the sidewalk. Hunter is puzzled by this event. Looking out the window, he leans forward and looks directly down to see Bill Allred with a dart gun in his hand.
Bill- Hey Hunter.
R- Hey Bill.
B- I was wondering if you could do something for me.
R- Sure, what?
B- Can you work in a plug for Delightful Water Universe into your blog post this week?
R- Sure, I'll try.
B- Thanks.
R- No problem.
Hunter pulls his head from his window and sits back at his desk. Hunter studies the picture Jack sent him for a moment and says-
R- Anyone who'd get their rocks off to that is one pathetic puppy.
Hunter deletes the image and gets back to work.
THE END