The premise. This Found Questioning comes courtesy of Vice Magazine.
Showing posts with label Porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Porn. Show all posts
Found Questioning #6
The premise. This Found Questioning comes courtesy of Vice Magazine.
Um- Er- Ah- Yeah, um- Yeah. As a man, who is definitely a guy, I feel illequipted to answer this question. I do, however, feel perfectly fine clicking on the link in that story that takes me to a story about a Mormom themed porn site. Yeah, I definitely feel good discussing that. Definitely.
Labels:
Found Questioning,
Period,
Porn,
Vice Magazine
Xbox: Use Fox News To Watch Porn
Early on Thursday, Director of Programming for Xbox Live Larry Hryb, also known as Major Nelson, released the video embedded above providing tips and tricks to using the new Kinect enabled voice features rolled out with the Xbox One. Many owners of the Xbox One have voiced frustration about new voice commands, some have even suggested improvements that need to be made to the system. While the tips and tricks provided in the video above can help some consumers use the voice commands to navigate the Xbox One user interface, no where in the video does Major Nelson assist consumers in using doing one of the things that many consumers will use the Xbox One for. Watching porn.
While such aid may not be coming, seeing as Microsoft is a responsible company that has to answer to many conservative action groups, perhaps it is those same conservative action groups that can provide consumers with help in using the Xbox One to view pornographic content. After all, this article exists.
Labels:
Conservatives,
Fox News,
Kinect,
Larry Hyrb,
Major Nelson,
Porn,
Pornography,
Xbox One
****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire
FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor
The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."
So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.
Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.
This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.
In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."
In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.
When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."
The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.
Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.
So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?
Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.


Cotaahcoo
One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.
That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.
Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised
Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!
Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.
The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.
New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."
So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.
Mike Waddoups Hospitalized
A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.
This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.
In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."
In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.
When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."
The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.
Maxim? Why?
This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.
So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?
Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.
Cotaahcoo
One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.
That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.
If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.
Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised
Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!
Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.
Labels:
Billy Goes To Bible Camp,
FVGAC,
Jack Thompson,
Kotaku,
Maxim Magazine,
Mike Waddoups,
Porn
Xbox Live June Update List
Recently, Kotaku released a list of features that was supposed to be on the Microsoft 360 Spring Dashboard Update. In response, Larry Hryb, better known to the world as John James Preston, announced that there would be no update. However, today on his blog, Mr. Preston released a detailed list of what will be a part of the June 2008 Xbox 360 Dashboard Update to be released on Wednesday, June 18th at 3:00 A.M. PST. Here is a reproduction of that list.
The ability to plug in your iPod and stream music bought off iTunes.
The ability to play videos stored on most external devices plugged into the USB port.
The ability to clear any unwanted game from your played game/Gamerscore list, provided that no Gamerscore has been accrued.
If a user is watching a DVD, the user will appear as "Busy".
Recognition for selected DVD movies as well as games.
A new feature will be rolled out that will allow Gold Members to play Dreamcast, PS1 and PS2 games. This system, called Wired Extra ReUsuable Learned Extraordinarities, or W.E.R.U.L.E., is expected to work via a relationship with Black Pearl and head boss Jack Sparrow. The reaction to this move by game companies and console manufactures in decidedly "pissed".
Enabling of the ability to destroy the console of any cheating members via the as of yet discovered C4 charges packed in all 360 consoles.
The ability to turn the Red Rings of Death orange.
The as of yet described "SeXbox" feature.
The ability for users to turn on the controllers rumble feature and leave it on for hours in needed. This is expected to greatly benefit female users.
The ability to check your Hotmail account for messages from Nigerians looking to give you large sums of totally legitimate cash.
The ability to surf the Internet for all things, except pornography. As a result of the inability to surf porn, this feature is not expected to be used.
The ability to hire a hit man to take out people who are better than you at Halo 3.
The ability to better describe why you are filing a complaint against people over Xbox Live. This will allow you to better describe why that guy who showed Barbie dolls having sex should be banned, as well as shot.
The enabling of a peripheral that dispenses Red Bull.
A feature that allows the 360 to reject any game that rates under 40 on Metacritic.
The ability to search vehicle lots for any vehicles bought in Forza 2. This is not expected to help anyone searching for a vintage Geo Metro.
And finally, a feature that allows any hardcore gamer to get laid. Just kidding about that one.
The reaction to this update has been as variant as any decision made by Microsoft regarding it's gaming division. These reactions include "Kick ass", to "What the fuck!", to "Awesome! I'm gonna finally have sex!".
Labels:
Abilities,
Barbie,
C4,
Fuck,
Live,
Masturbation,
Pirates of the Caribbean,
Porn,
Red Bull,
RROD,
Sex and the City,
Xbox 360
Human Zoo: Mating
In the year 8583, the human race will be conquered by aliens from the planet Kerry. This will cause the human race to be subjugated to the level that animals currently exist on. Like animals, most humans will be left to roam free, provided they don’t encroach on the Kerryites. However, the fast, slow, rare, cute, and sexually provocative ones will be put into Human Zoos for the amusement of the Kerryites and the young Kerryite-ets. This is the story of those in captivity.
Zoo exhibit, day. Brian is sitting in the exhibit staring at the side the Kerryites stand on. Dawn then walks in and sits down next to Brian.
Dawn- Hi.
Brian- Hey.
Dawn- What're ya doing?
Brian- Just sitting here as still as I can. Hopefully if I do, the Kerryites will grow bored with me and they’ll put me back in the wild. Hopefully somewhere near New Jersey.
Dawn- Oh. (Dawn notices something off screen.) What’s that over there?
Brian- That? They’ve has it on for a couple of hours now.
Dawn- Is that what I think it is?
Brian- Yep. They’re showing me porn.
Dawn- Wow. I didn’t know people could do that. Why do you think they’re showing you porn?
Brian- I have no idea.
Dawn- Maybe this has something to do with that steel shaft they stuck in my snatch yesterday.
Brian- What?
Dawn- The handlers pulled me aside yesterday, drugged me up, and stuck this two foot long steel shaft in my cootchie. I wish they hadn’t drugged, that would’ve been awesome.
Brian- Hmmm. I don’t know how any guy is supposed to compete with that.
Dawn- I think they want you to compete with that.
Brian- Excuse me?
Dawn- I heard about this before. They stick a man and a woman together in an exhibit, show them some porn, and then hope they ravage each other sexually.
Brian- Huh. You don’t say.
Dawn- So, you want to get to ravaging.
Brian- Not really.
Dawn- Why not? Am I just not attractive to you, even in the slightest?
Brian- No, you are a beautiful attractive woman.
Dawn- So, what are you gay?
Brian- No, it’s not that.
Dawn- Well, what is it?
Brian- They’re always watching us.
Dawn- What?
Brian- They’re always watching us. There’s no privacy to be had here. It doesn’t matter if we’re eating, sleeping, grooming ourselves, or taking a crap, they are always watching us. Hell, I haven’t even ravaged myself sexually yet.
Dawn- You got a point there. Maybe I can ask the handlers for some alone time later.
Brian- What?
Dawn- I can ask the handlers to do things for me. Watch. (Dawn starts to speak louder.) Hey Kerryites! Can you turn off that TV? It’s starting to disgust me. (TV turns off.) Now, can you pipe in some sexy music? (Techno music starts.) No, some human sexy music. (Bon Jovi music starts.) No, fuck it, turn it off! (Music stops.) So, you want some alone time later.
Brian- Maybe you can ask the handlers to give you the shaft again.
(Dawn gets a stunned look on her face. Dawn then starts to run off the screen.)
Dawn- Hey handlers! Handlers!
Brian- Hmmm. It’s a shame. I really wanted to imitate that porn video with her. (Music starts: Flight of the Conchords: Business Time.) (Louder) You know that’s only sexy ironically. (Sighs)
THE END
Zoo exhibit, day. Brian is sitting in the exhibit staring at the side the Kerryites stand on. Dawn then walks in and sits down next to Brian.
Dawn- Hi.
Brian- Hey.
Dawn- What're ya doing?
Brian- Just sitting here as still as I can. Hopefully if I do, the Kerryites will grow bored with me and they’ll put me back in the wild. Hopefully somewhere near New Jersey.
Dawn- Oh. (Dawn notices something off screen.) What’s that over there?
Brian- That? They’ve has it on for a couple of hours now.
Dawn- Is that what I think it is?
Brian- Yep. They’re showing me porn.
Dawn- Wow. I didn’t know people could do that. Why do you think they’re showing you porn?
Brian- I have no idea.
Dawn- Maybe this has something to do with that steel shaft they stuck in my snatch yesterday.
Brian- What?
Dawn- The handlers pulled me aside yesterday, drugged me up, and stuck this two foot long steel shaft in my cootchie. I wish they hadn’t drugged, that would’ve been awesome.
Brian- Hmmm. I don’t know how any guy is supposed to compete with that.
Dawn- I think they want you to compete with that.
Brian- Excuse me?
Dawn- I heard about this before. They stick a man and a woman together in an exhibit, show them some porn, and then hope they ravage each other sexually.
Brian- Huh. You don’t say.
Dawn- So, you want to get to ravaging.
Brian- Not really.
Dawn- Why not? Am I just not attractive to you, even in the slightest?
Brian- No, you are a beautiful attractive woman.
Dawn- So, what are you gay?
Brian- No, it’s not that.
Dawn- Well, what is it?
Brian- They’re always watching us.
Dawn- What?
Brian- They’re always watching us. There’s no privacy to be had here. It doesn’t matter if we’re eating, sleeping, grooming ourselves, or taking a crap, they are always watching us. Hell, I haven’t even ravaged myself sexually yet.
Dawn- You got a point there. Maybe I can ask the handlers for some alone time later.
Brian- What?
Dawn- I can ask the handlers to do things for me. Watch. (Dawn starts to speak louder.) Hey Kerryites! Can you turn off that TV? It’s starting to disgust me. (TV turns off.) Now, can you pipe in some sexy music? (Techno music starts.) No, some human sexy music. (Bon Jovi music starts.) No, fuck it, turn it off! (Music stops.) So, you want some alone time later.
Brian- Maybe you can ask the handlers to give you the shaft again.
(Dawn gets a stunned look on her face. Dawn then starts to run off the screen.)
Dawn- Hey handlers! Handlers!
Brian- Hmmm. It’s a shame. I really wanted to imitate that porn video with her. (Music starts: Flight of the Conchords: Business Time.) (Louder) You know that’s only sexy ironically. (Sighs)
THE END
Labels:
Aliens,
Artifician Insemination,
Flight of the Conchords,
Humans,
Porn,
Red,
Zoo
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