The Official Redertainment Corporation Of America E3 2010 Recap Blog Post!!!

The Official Redertainment Corporation Of America E3 2010 Recap Blog Post!!!

So I spent the last week being tried/sick/depressed. Because of this, I wrote only one thing that was good, but that thing was based on a joke that everyone made immediately after it happened. So I decided to recap all the major press conferences that occurred at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo. Enjoy!

On Sunday, Microsoft held an event to celebrate Kinetic, the new motion control device for the Xbox 360 that was named by choosing random letters out of a bag. This celebration included a performance from Circ de Soile. As this was the regular Circ de Soile show and not Zumanity, I knew that no epic pole dancing would be involved, so I was not motivated to care. Then I found out about the spaceponchos. That's right, spaceponchos. I think I've found my Halloween costume for this year.

On Monday, Microsoft held their formal E3 Press Conference. At the end of this particularly overblown stage production, Don Mattrick unveiled the slightly smaller, slightly blacker, and slightly better ventilated Xbox 360 Slim. After it's unveiling, Mattrick announced that everyone in the audience at the Microsoft E3 Press Conference would be receiving an Xbox 360 Slim for free. This caused the internet to be flooded with comparisons to Oprah, and me to throw away the piece I had been working on. So, thanks jerkass!

The next fucking event that happened was the fucking Electronic Arts fucking E3 2010 fucking Press Conference. During this fucking show, Epic fucking Games upcoming first person fucking shooter Bulletstorm was fucking presented. In this fucking presentation, several fucking swear words were fucking used, something that is fucking unusual for an Efucking3 presentation. Also, the trailer for the console release of The Sims 3 was unveiled. Included in this trailer was a montage of sims engaging in various activities, including two sims making whoopie.

Joel McHale is a comedian who utilizes a ironic/sarcastic style in his act. When paired with a situation or a reality show clip that is in any way absurd, this comedic style can create pure gold. However, when this comedic style is paired with crap, it only serves to point out exactly what the material is. Crap. One of the games that was shown was Your Shape: Fitness Evolved, a game that received a better exhibition during Microsoft's E3 Press Conference earlier that day. Another game that was presented was Battle Tag. This is a game that is promised to bring an experience to home consoles that has never been had before The ability to simulate shooting your friends without harming your friends. That is something that has truly never been done before. Really. (Halo, Call of Duty, Battlefield: Bad Company, Team Fortress, Unreal Tournament, Counter-Strike, and so on, and so on, and so on...)



Where is the Vitality Sensor that I was so looking forward to sticking my penis into?

Robin is very much looking forward to Playstation Move. She won't tell me why.

Finally, the Redertainment Corporation Of America held a press conference on Wednesday. There is was announced that The Black Robin Christmas Carol, the next book by Hunter Red, would be made available for free at Redertainment.com on Monday, November 1st. As is typical with the work of Hunter Red, no one cared. Tear.

Epiphany Derived During Apple Lol Cat Experiments

Lol Cat Bible

There is a Lol Cat Bible. Not kidding.


Amazon Listing

How is Happy Cat Formed?

18 Now, teh burth of teh Nointed Cat was liek dis: After Maerdi and Jozif waz all "We get maerdied, kthnx", but befor dey haz hankiez pankiez Maerdy was a mudder cat thx 2 HovrCat.

19 Joseph was liek "I haz virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".

20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! Iz in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don be scairdy cat. Taek Maerdy as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur kitlin, srsly." So Jozif was liek " Oh yey. Iz gonna luv him and squeez him and call him George."

21 But BirdCat was liek "No, you gonna call him Happy Cat. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."

22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. Him proffit was all liek:

23 "Hay guise, luk! teh virjn is all preggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wiv us"

24 Then Jozif walked up, dun wat teh BirdCat frm Ceiling Cat tolded him too, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Maerdy.

25 And dey didnt has Hankiez Pankiez affer dey gets a son and call him Happy Cat. Kthnx.



The Nikki Haley Controversy Continues

Larry Marchant is the former lobbyist who said that he had a intimate physical encounter with South Carolina gubernatorial candidate Nikky Haley. Mr. Marchant claimed in an interview on MSNBC that he and Mrs. Haley went drinking in multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake City.

It's not that there aren't multiple bars in downtown Salt Lake, I've been to many of them. The problem is that most people don't make a habit of barhopping in downtown Salt Lake City. I dare say the last case of barhopping that occurred was the last time there was an earthquake. Also, untill last year, anyone trying to go to a bar in Salt Lake would have had to pay a private membership fee. This was one of the many fucked up alcohol laws that was put in place to prevent people from A: Drinking, and B: Drinking in multiple establishments.

This further shows that the accusations against Nikki Haley are fabrications, lies, fiction, and other synonyms for bullshit. So why is this baseless story getting national media attention? The only reason I can think of is that the twenty-four hour news networks need a story to run and Britney Spears has been relatively well behaved recently.




NO FUCKING SHIT

Two high school students, Zach and Todd, are in the chemistry lab. They are performing the usual experiments done by students in a basic chemistry lab. The two students are combining two solutions together when the expected reaction goes horribly awry. The chemistry lab starts to fill with a noxious green cloud that forces the entire school to evacuate. While all the students are outside, Zach and Todd start to talk.

Zach- Man, that went badly.
Todd- Yeah, I don't know where we went wrong. We followed the instructions exactly.
Zach- Did the instructions call for us to throw a corndog into the mix?

Todd facepalms.

Todd- Okay, so we did do something wrong. Can things go any worse for an experiment?
Zach- I don't know. I did hear somewhere that the PSP Go was an experiment.
Todd- Yeah, and man did that blow up in their faces. The PSP Go is way worse than a noxious green cloud that enveloped the entire school and ruins all the corndogs therein.
Zach- Yeah. Wanna go break plate glass windows with a chair?
Todd- YEAH!

END SCENE



Apple Epiphany

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During the recent Apple World Wide Developers Conference an event happened that set the news world on it's ear. During his presentation, Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a problem with the WiFi set up for his presentation and had to ask those in the audience to turn off their devices so he could continue. Ever since that happened, people have wondered why this was allowed to happen. Couldn't Apple have restricted WiFi access, or set up a separate network for Steve Jobs to use, or prepared in advance for a large mass of people using it's network? On Friday, an idea came to me as to why this took place.

Steve Jobs was on the stage giving his presentation and on the right hand side of the stage was a video that was showing what Steve was doing on his new iPhone. In the middle of the presentation, the presentation stalled as well as the video. Have you heard anyone speculate as to the legitimacy of this video? Has anyone said the video was pre-recorded, was staged, was canned, or was anything other than legitimate? No, and why not? Because of the hiccup. The video on the right hand side of the stage showed the hiccup as it was happening. The fact that the presentation on the video screen stalled at the same time Steve Jobs was asking people to turn off their devices put the thought out of people's minds that the video was not legit.

KoRn-fed Satirical Tennis Interview

KORN!!!

So I went to a concert on Saturday. Guess who I saw?




That's right! I'm saw Barry Manilo!


(Sarcasm emoticon)



Roger Federer: Ladies Man

On Tuesday, tennis superstar and twelve inch python owner Roger Federer lost in the quarterfinals of the French Open, which is a tennis tournament held in French Lick, Indiana. When asked what lead to his loss, Mr. Federer said,

"My loss was due, in large part, to me failing to convert on several match points, as well as my numerous foot faults, which prevented me from gaining much of an advantage when I was serving. Also, I nailed three broads last night and am only conscious now because of a can of Red Bull the size of a Buick."

A similar excuse was attempted by Will Forte when explaining why his movie, MacGruber, tanked at the box office. When he was told that the film was in fact on film and not being broadcasted live from the videocameras the NSA imbeds in the walls of all American domiciles, Mr. Forte said, "DAMN IT!"




Red Interviewed

About a month ago I did an interview for a 1UP user named soulsaver(link to his profile page), a journalism student out of Illinois. The article he was working on is an interesting one and deals with a topic that is debated a lot inside and outside of gaming circles. Check it out.




Hunter Red- Ladie Politician Magnet

In recent weeks a blogger and a lobbyist have claimed to have had an intimate physical affair with South Carolina candidate for Governor Nikki Haley. Neither the blogger or the lobbyist have presented any hard proof that this affair took place, but this story had received national attention nonetheless. This story, as well as my conscious and my faith, has driven me to confess to something I vowed I would never confess to.

This is Enid Greene. Miss Greene is a politician from the state of Utah who served one term in the United States House of Representatives. During the 2004 session of the Utah State Legislature, I ran into Miss Greene at the Salt Lake Hilton located at 300 West and East Temple in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. She complimented me on my hair and I complimented her on her Hillary-esque business suit. We continued our conversation at the hotel bar as we consumed alcohol, finger sandwiches, and alcohol. The location of our conversation soon changed to a hotel room at the Salt Lake Hilton and our food of choice soon changed to pan fried pancetta.

Eventually our conversation turned more intimate, conversation turned to action, and our actions started going down the same normal road. For the sake of decency I'm not going to go into much detail, but I, Hunter Wallace Red, will say that I had an intimate physical encounter with Enid Green. Twice. Okay, three times.

What evidence do I have that this encounter actually took place? None. I, at this time, am unable to produce any photographs, videos, letters, or sworn testimony that an intimate physical encounter took place between myself and Miss Greene. Will Miss Greene admit to this encounter when asked? No, but what politician would? So, you have to ask yourself: Is what I am claiming to be believed? Is this unproven, unsubstantiated, and unsolicited claim made by an anonymous blogger true?



2Cents "Get The Door"

Blissful Impressionistic Drug Humor

Slipknot Is Bliss

Hunter and Robin are sitting outside at an outdoor cafe just down the street from the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. They are eating lunch and taking in the environment that surrounds them. The sun is out the weather is warm, birds are chirping, and no vagrants are present. Robin looks around at this nice day and say-

Robin- Hunter, don't you just think this is a nice day today?
Hunter- I don't know. It's a bit to metally.

Robin finds this comment odd. She looks at Hunter and sees he's got his headphones in and is listening to Slipknot.

Robin- Honey.
Hunter- Yes dear?
Robin- (Yelling at the top of her lungs.) Take off your damn headphones!

The tranquility that had previously surrounded Robin and Hunter is shattered. Birds fly away, the air starts to cool, and a homeless man shows up to beg for change. As Hunter removes his headphones, a light rain begins to fall. Robin gets up and leaves as Hunter sits there in the steadily increasing downpour.

END SCENE



Final Fantasy XIII Last Impressions

People have openly wondered what the difference is between western developed RPGs and japanese developed RPGs. The difference, as far as I can tell, is mission structure. JRPGs utilize a more narrative style to deliver the missions to you, telling you of these missions in cut scenes and dialog with NPCs. Examples of this mission structure are the Final Fantasy series, Xenosaga, and Star Ocean. Western RPGs actually give you missions, like you were a spy working for the NSA or a guy who needs explicit directives in order to accomplish anything. Examples of this mission structure are Fallout 3, Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable.

I came to this realization as I began to wonder why I didn't enjoy the latest Final Fantasy game, FF XIII, as much as I have other Final Fantasy games in the past. It's a great game, I gave it a B, but I didn't really enjoy it. There was a point while playing FFXIII where I swore so loud that my neighbor heard it. Granted my window was open at the time, but my neighbor generally doesn't give a fuck what I do.

Then I remembered how much I loved Fallout 3. It's an RPG with many elements of a Final Fantasy game. Great narrative, shops and inventory systems, and battles against characters I may be severely underpowered against. So why did I enjoy Fallout 3 significantly more than Final Fantasy XIII? The missions, specifically the non-essential ones.

I spend hours, literally hours, running around in an open field trying to get up to the maximum level that I could. Running around, in circles, endlessly, not really going anywhere or accomplishing anything. To me this was not compelling. If I was watching Football and utilized the picture in picture to allow me to run around in a field for hours while watching other men run around in a field for hours this might interest me. Emphasis on might.

Whereas with Fallout 3, if I feel the need to get more powered up, or just have half an hour to kill, I can take up a non-essential mission. I can go out, accomplish a feat, get my reward, get experience points, and feel like I've accomplished something in this game. Have I actually accomplished something? Maybe, maybe not, but at least I have less missions bugging me for accomplishment than I had before.

Right now I would be offering up a final paragraph of how this is evidence of how I've changed as a person. How I am a different person now than the person I was back in high school. Here would be a great place to make some sort of grand statement of what it really means to be a gamer. However, nothing of that grand of a nature is coming to me. It's not that I think I have or have not changed as a person, it's that I can't put it in a way that I feel is significant. Both Final Fantasy XIII and Fallout 3 are good on their own merits, I just currently prefer the merits of Fallout 3. Perhaps in the future this will change, as it has in relation to my preferences in the past. In lieu of a significant closing statement, here's a kitty.




Super Mario Galaxy 2 First Impressions

I'm trying not to recycle an old joke. I'm trying not to bring up magic mushrooms, touch fuzzy get dizzy, and other things that many people other than me have make the obvious joke about. I'm trying really hard not to make that joke.

Dude, your face is a spaceship

Dude, that is a BIG turtle.

Dude, if I had a dinosaur like that, I would eat so many Doritos.

Dude, that would make a killer bong.

Dude, I'm wearing this suit that turns me into a bee. And earlier, I was wearing a suit that allowed me to produce clouds!

So I tried and I failed. Aw damn. Now, if you'll excuse me, my dealer just texted me. My shipment of Pineapple Express is in. Saul, you da man!