11 Questions With Hunter Red

I have, in the past, answered questions that I found in Maxim Magazine.  I did this in order to tweek gender norms, as well as to make a statement as to the insulting and sexist questions that are often posed to women in Maxim Magazine.  I did once try to find similarly demeaning questions in an issue of Playboy and found no success.  This time I'm not going to answer questions posed to a model by a magazine.  Rather, this time I am going to answer questions posed to a model by the Tumblr account for Victoria's Secret.

The following questions are taken from a post entitled "11 Questions With Behati Prinsloo".

Fill in the blank: I wouldn’t leave the house without __________.

My wallet, keys, cellphone, and iPod.

Who is your style icon?

Mick Foley

One place you haven’t traveled to but are dying to go to?

New York to see The Daily Show with John Daly

What would you be doing if this were 1995?

Dreading having to spend another day in Junior High.

Best movie to watch when it’s cold outside?

Do I have to choose?  Can't I just get drunk and watch random things on Netflix?

Going out or staying in?

Staying in.  Outside is overrated.

What piece of technology could you absolutely not live without?

My car

Longest you’ve ever held a plank?

I have never planked.  Why would anyone do that?  What kind of stupid question is that?  What is this, three years ago?

Last TV Show you binge-watched?

Better Off Ted

Last book you read?

House of Holes by Nicholson Baker

Song that’s stuck in your head right now?

This

Seventeen Questions To Live

Once again I am looking toward a magazine for questions that would be embarrassing for me to answer and would make my audience squirm.  I read the July/August 2014 issue of Playboy Magazine, the one with Bianca Balti on the cover, pictured above.  I poured over this issue looking for anything resembling a collection of questions that would potentially be embarrassing for anyone to answer, specifically embarrassing for me............ and I found nothing.  Nothing that I found in this issue constitutes something low brow that only serves to embarrass the subject.  Perhaps that is why Playboy is called "Entertainment For Men", as opposed to "Entertainment For Boys"....

Which is what Maxim appears to be, because when I went looking in the July/August 2014 issue of Maxim for embarrassing questions I quickly found the material I was looking for.  The questions I am answering come from an article done with Mark Wahlberg entitled "24 Hours To Live", which appears on the last page of the July/August 2014 issue of Maxim Magazine.

So how do you want to go?
Why do you ask?  Also, why do you have that gun?

Now give us the Michael Bay-directed, high-octane, explosion-packed version.
Okay.  Turn the camera on for three hours and I'll do nothing that people find to be interesting.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Yes, I am the Zodiac Killer.  Also, I am DB Cooper, Jack The Ripper, and the Walrus.  Coo coo ca choo.

Do you think that's enough to send you to hell, or will you be going to heaven?
Being an Athiest, I don't believe in Heaven, or Hell for that matter.

If you could take one Transformer with you, which would you take and why?
There's a transformer up the road that supplies power to my neighborhood.  If they don't have power where I am going, can I take that with me?

You're an avid golfer.  If you make it to heaven, who would you most like to tee it up with in the afterlife?
Someone who I could beat, so no one.

How would the Entourage crew fare in a Decepticon attack?
I have no idea how to answer any part of that question.

What about your furry pal Ted?
Is Tedakin furry?  I've never thought about that.

What did you spend the most money on during your lifetime?
I've never really thought about that.  The most expensive thing I've ever bought was Rubi, my car, but that's about to be eclipsed when I accomplish Project Buy A House.

Name one thing you're glad you'll never have to do again on Earth.
Answer these questions.

What's the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
This one time, I went to bed WITHOUT BRUSHING MY TEETH!  Hahaha, but seriously, Allison.

Do you spend your last day in Boston, New York, or L.A., and why?  And how are you spending it?
Given the choices, spending my last day in Boston watching a Red Sox game seems appealing to me.  But, again, why are you asking me this?  Also, why do you have that gun?

If you could come back and spy on someone who's still alive, who would it be and why?
If I wanted to spy on people I would have taken that job with the NSA.

What is your proudest accomplishment?
Paying off my car loan a year and a half early.  I could say Project Buy A House but I haven't quite accomplished that yet.

What is your biggest regret?
Answering these questions.

What there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
Yes, and I did.  Then I ran.

Got any last words?
Look, you need to put that gun away, you're concerning me.

23 Questions From Maxim

A couple of times in the past I have answered questions that I find in magazines, mainly from Cosmo and other magazines geared toward women, that tweek gender roles and sexual mores.  This time I have chosen to answer question from the April 2014 issue of Maxim magazine.  The issue is on newsstands now, and I will be providing the page number the question is on if you want to follow along at home.  I won't be answering questions that are specifically tailored for the person that is the subject of the article, but I will be answering questions no matter how uncomfortable that questions makes you.  The questions don't make me uncomfortable, but I enjoy making my audience squirm.

Get To Know... Lydia Hearst (pg.11)

Hometowns:  West Valley City and Kearns, Utah
Astrological Sign:  Leo
Job:  Alleged Writer
Pets:  None
I can whoop any guy's ass in:  Nothing
The last thing that made me LOL was:  Conan.  I'm watching it as I answer these questions.
The worst words in the universe are:  Politician, bossy, Zucker
The most embarassing song on my iPod is:  I am not embarassed by anything on my iPod.  Just don't ask about my collection of songs by Janet Jackson, Phil Collins, and the Spice Girls.
The worst pickup line I ever heard was:  Delivered by me
A guy is more likely to get lucky with me if he:  Is a woman and a brunette.
My spirit animal is:  Kerry Jackson

Amazing Grace  (pg. 53)

What advice would you give to guys who are nervous about buying lingerie for their girlfriends?
Gift cards.  Yes it's impersonal and may be a little too suggestive, depending on the girl, but that is better than buying a piece of clothing that in no way fits the person you are buying it for.  Besides, a gift card allows the person you're buying it for to be creative, and creativity is attractive.

Have you ever gotten lingerie as a gift?
No.

What asset do you like to show off the most?
My hair.  I wasn't really comfortable with my hair untill I started growing it out, and now I really like it.  Not only that, I'm getting positive remarks on my hair for the first time in my life.

What's your favorite style?
I prefer a minimalism approach.  Nothing too complicated, something simple, unencumbered, and not too flashy.

Is the fancy stuff just for special occasions, or would you pull it out during the week?
I don't have much of anything that is particularly fancy, so I do have to save it for special occasions.  The only way that I engage in constant indulgence is with Rubi, my big fucking SUV.

Were you ever in a situations where a guy couldn't get a complicated piece of lingerie off?
No, but I've never been presented with a situation that involves a complicated piece of lingerie.  Then again, if the lingerie in question is designed to be complicated, perhaps the lingerie is also designed to not be taken off.

Hot Sauce  (pg. 88)

Is it weird for men to post selfies?
It is my opinion that, after Ellen's selfie at the Oscars, selfies are starting to fall out of style.  So, take as many selfies as you can before they go the way of planking.

I'm in my 20s.  Is it ridiculous fo me to get braces?
No.  What is ridiculous is your use of the word "fo".  Fo real.

How can I make my mom stop posting dumb stuff on Facebook?
When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Are beepers still around?
Yes, although most people refer to it as texting.

What's one thing girls wish guys wouldn't wear?
Their underwear.  This isn't me saying it's wrong for men to wear underwear designed for women, this is me saying that people in general shouldn't wear underwear that isn't there's.

Where should you never take a girl on a first date?
McDonald's.  You're trying to make a first impression on the girl, and going out to McDonald's never leaves a good first impression.  Or second impression.  Or any impression.  Fo real.

****- Let Me Be Clear, This Is A Satire

FVGAC Bestows A Rare Honor

The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) has bestowed a rare honor on a video game, it's Seal Of Approval. Years have gone by since the FVGAC has given out this award, which is shocking given the recent releases of Billy Goes To Bible Camp, Dora The Explorer: African Adventure, and the various Left Behind games. Not since Ann Collects Apples in 1987 has the FVGAC given out a Seal Of Approval.

New spokesman for the FVGAC Randall Terry has released a statement about this event. "This game represents exactly what we stand for and what we hope for the future of the video game industry and our country in general. The protagonist in this game represents what we think of as a good and moral person. Overall, we stand behind this game and we hope this game has an effect on society for what we feel to be the better."

So what video game received the Family Video Game Advisory Corporation's Seal Of Approval? Abortion Provider Murder Simulator. This is a flash based game where you play as Scott Roeder. In this game you find information about, find the location of, and kill doctors who provide abortions. Abortion Provider Murder Simulator is the game that received the FVGAC's Seal Of Approval and it's glowing praise. What a shame.



Mike Waddoups Hospitalized

A situation involving a Utah State Senator nearly turned tragic this week. Utah State Senate President Mike Waddopus was rushed to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah after suffering what is described as a severe allergic reaction. According to a police incident report, on Tuesday a still unidentified man attacked Mr. Waddoups at this home and attempted to shove several raw peanuts into Waddoups's nose, mouth, and eye region. Waddoups, who is severely allergic to peanuts, quickly went into anaphylatic shock and had to be rushed to LDS Hospital for treatment. Mike Waddoups is currently in stable condition and is expected to be released next week.

This attack raises a number of questions. Among them are why was Mike Waddoups attacked and how did Mr. Waddoups's attacker know of his peanut allergy. Both of these questions may be answered by way of an commentary published earlier this year. The commentary was published in the March edition of Conservative Activism Monthly and the commentary was penned by Jack Thompson.

In this commentary, Mr. Thompson vents about his frustration in trying to get video game legislation passed in Utah in the 2009 session of the Utah State Legislature. He spends some time on his dealings with Waddoups before and after the legislation was vetoed by Gov. Huntsman. There is a particularly troubling passage in this commentary that I will quote for you now. "So I met with Mike at his home at [I have chosen not to re-print Mike Waddoup's Address]. In this meeting at Mr. Waddoups's house, I discovered that Mike has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts. Again, Mike Waddoups lives at [Restates Mike Waddoup's REAL Address] and is severly allergic to peanuts."

In the days after the assault on Mike Waddoups, several liberal political commentators have criticized Jack Thompson and his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. In particular, the comments made by MSNBC host Keith Olberman are very reminicent of his comments about Bill O'Reilly and Fox News after the murder of Dr. George Tiller. However, unlike the murder of Dr. George Tiller, no suspect has been caught in this case so nothing definitive can be said of the suspect's drives and motives.

When asked to comment on this incident and his possible role in it, Jack Thompson said, "There is no known link between myself and this incident, and to speculate that there was one is absurd." Later on Mr. Thompson said, "Although very little is known about the suspect, I know for a fact that Grand Theft Auto IV is involved in this. It is absurd to insist otherwise."

The SLCPD is still searching for the suspect in the assault on Mike Waddoups. A source inside SLCPD tells me that they are very close to an arrest in this case. Also, don't expect any consequences to fall on the head of Jack Thompson for his commentary in Conservative Activism Monthly. After all, Mr. Thompson is a conservative, and conservatives are considered to be blameless by "mainstream" society. If we were talking about a liberal here, all hell would break loose.



Maxim? Why?

This week, like many other former subscribers to EGM, I began to receive Maxim Magazine as a replacement for my unfulfilled issues of EGM. I had not read Maxim in several years, so I was intrigued by this new addition to my active reading schedule.

So I sat down with a Heineken and a bowl of Doritos and began to read my new Maxim. About half-way through the issue I had a thought: Why am I reading this when I have easy access to real porn? Why am I looking at half-naked women and less than inspired articles when I can look at FULLY naked women and blatantly erotic articles? Why should I read something that tries to be erotic without crossing the line as opposed to something that crosses the line and revels in it's eroticism?

Also, I find Cassia Riley more attractive than Moon Bloodgood. Just saying.




Cotaahcoo

One of the most embarrassing things that can happen to me as a satirist is to post something online that contains some sort of error. Whether it's a factual error, grammar error, or a spelling errors, faults that make it onto my blog reflect poorly on myself and make me look stupid and unprofessional. Usually when errors occur I am able to catch them and fix them before anyone notices. Occasionally others will point them out to me and I will have this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame.

That being said, I am but a simple satirist who writes a simple blog using my simple pen and my simple awesome laptop. My readership is small compared to other larger news sites. These are sites that make more money in a day that I will ever make from my blog. It is because of this relationship and revenue stream that you would think these sites would have higher standards than I. Most do, one in particular does not.

If you read Kotaku on a daily basis, you usually get stories delivered to you with glaring errors in them on a daily basis. Usually these are small easy to catch things contained in the body of the story, but one in particular caught my attention this week.

Mulit-Platform Final Fantasy XIII Won't Be Compromised

Mulit-Platform? Really? Not only is this a glaring error in the headline of the story, but it's an error that could have been caught if someone had read it ONCE! This begs the question: Is there any editorial control at Kotaku? Based on this, I would say no. If there is, this editor needs to get off his ass and do his fucking job!

Just a suggestion from a highly unprofessional and severely under paid satirist, who is pictured below.